20
Sara
“ T he girls are finally asleep, and frankly I might be joining them soon. I’m exhausted.” Sara flopped down onto the sofa and took the glass of wine Patrick handed her. “Thanks. You’re a lifesaver.”
In the corner of the room their newly cut Christmas tree sparkled. Even though it had been late when they’d arrived home from Dorothy’s, the girls had insisted on decorating it.
“I want to wake up tomorrow and see it all sparkly,” Ava had said, and Iris had supported her sister in that wish.
They’d played Christmas music, and Sara had made the girls hot chocolate before finally persuading them to go to bed.
“To another successful Christmas tree trip.” She raised her glass to Patrick. “It looks great, doesn’t it?” The lights from the tree softened the room and made it seem even cozier than usual. The sharp scent of fir permeated the air and made it feel even more Christmassy. It was like bringing the outdoors indoors.
“It looks big.” Patrick sat down next to her and stretched out his legs. “Why do I always let you three talk me into a tree that’s taller than our ceilings?”
“Because you’re a pushover?”
“That could be it.” He leaned forward and kissed her. “It was a good day, wasn’t it?”
“The best.”
“You and Imogen had a lot to say to each other.”
“Yes.” Sara took a sip of wine. “Yes, we did.”
“It wasn’t awkward? I thought it might be.”
“So did I, but it wasn’t. She made it easy. She’s not afraid to talk about things, the good and the bad. I think it helped that she was so honest. We weren’t tiptoeing around the past, pretending it hadn’t happened.” Imogen didn’t hide from things that were difficult in the way she did. It made her want to do better.
“Did she talk about Tina? You usually prefer to avoid the subject.”
“Tina called while we were talking, so it was a little hard to ignore her existence.”
“She called ?” Patrick shifted so that he could look at her properly. “You’re kidding.”
“I’m not kidding. I get the sense she calls Imogen whenever she wants something.”
“That sounds like the Tina we once knew. And what did she want? Money?”
She sometimes forgot that he’d been part of it all. That he’d witnessed firsthand the destruction her sister had caused.
“Imogen didn’t answer it. She chose not to.”
“Surprising,” Patrick said, “but good for her.”
“Yes. I think she does it often. Chooses the moment to respond so that Tina doesn’t have all the control.” Sara stared at the tree. “I’ve been thinking.”
“When you use that tone, I start worrying.”
Normally, his comment would have made her smile, but not tonight. “I’m thinking I might offer to go and see Tina with her.”
“What?” Just as she’d anticipated, he looked horrified. “She wants to see her?”
“She hasn’t said so yet, but think about it, Patrick. Tina lied to her. She doesn’t understand why. This has all come as a shock to her. She’s going to want to talk it through with her mother at some point. She probably wants to try and understand.”
“I get all that, but why do you have to go with her? You’ve always done everything you can to avoid thinking about Tina. You have more self-discipline than anyone I know. Why would you want to see her?”
“I don’t want to see her, but I want to support Imogen. If she wants to talk to Tina, then I’d like to be there—if she wants me.”
“But that’s between Imogen and Tina, surely.”
“Yes. But why should she handle that alone?”
“You’re not doing this because you’re afraid Tina might lie again?”
“No. I’m doing it because Imogen has no one.” Her voice softened. “All these years, she was on her own with it. I don’t know the details, but I do know it wasn’t easy. Imogen is fiercely independent. I suppose she has had to be because she has never had anyone she could share this with. But now she has.”
He looked troubled. “But it’s so hard for you—”
“Harder for Imogen. I want her to know she has someone in her corner.”
“But I’m sure she knows she has your support.”
“I’ve told her that, obviously, but words don’t mean much on their own, do they? Words are easy. I don’t want to just tell her I’ll be there for her, I want to actually be there for her.”
Patrick didn’t look reassured. “I understand, but up until a few weeks ago you refused to think about Tina, or talk about her.”
“And in the past few days I’ve been forced to do both.” She took another sip of wine and then put her glass down next to his. “I used to think I’d handled the whole Tina situation well by blocking it out. Ignoring that part of my life. Moving on. I was proud of myself—can you believe that? I was frustrated that my mother couldn’t do the same.”
“You have every reason to feel proud. You moved on from a horrible situation.”
“No, I didn’t. Not really.” She rubbed her hand over the back of her neck. “It was avoidance, Patrick.”
“Avoidance is a perfectly legitimate coping mechanism.”
“Maybe. But it’s a fragile coping mechanism. When it all came out yesterday and I was forced to confront it, I almost had a panic attack. That whole time was so difficult that the idea of reliving it terrified me.”
“So feeling that way, why would you want to see Tina?”
“That’s just it. I don’t feel scared anymore. I keep telling my mother that she should stop blaming herself and just accept what happened, but today in the forest when I was talking to Imogen, I realized that I need to do the same thing. Not avoid it, but accept it. Imogen has lived with this her whole life. She hasn’t had the luxury of being able to block it out, or run away from it, and nor has she had the comfort of family support. She did what needed to be done, and she did it alone and with great courage, it seems.”
“It sounds as if she has inspired you.”
“Maybe she has. I certainly felt humbled. And a bit cowardly, if I’m honest. Talking to her made me think about the person I am, and the role model I want to be to our girls. I want life to be smooth for them, of course, but we both know that’s not likely to happen, because life is so rarely smooth. I want to give them the confidence that they can navigate whatever challenges come their way. I don’t want them to hide from things, the way I have.”
“I think you’re being hard on yourself.” He reached out and brushed his thumb across her cheek. “You were young, and it was a tough time. Not surprisingly it had a huge impact on you.”
“Imogen was young too. But she handled it.”
“So are you going to suggest it? Seeing Tina?”
“No, I’m going to take my lead from her. Maybe she’ll decide she doesn’t want to talk to her mother. But if she does, then I want her to know I’m there to support her. That’s what families do, isn’t it?”
She was determined to make up for all the years Imogen had been forced to face life on her own.
He let his hand drop. “If you do this, then I’m coming too.”
Her insides softened. “I appreciate that, but I don’t think that will be necessary.”
“Indulge me. If you’re going within a kilometer of Tina, I want to be there.”
“Why?”
“You need to ask? Because I love you. Didn’t you say a moment ago that words don’t mean anything without actions? Call this an action.”
She leaned forward and kissed him. “I’m a lucky woman.”
“You are.” His mouth lingered on hers. “Come upstairs and I’ll show you how lucky.”
It was the perfect end to an almost perfect day.