Chapter 10 Dawson
DAWSON
Two days later, I still can’t stop thinking about how badly I wish I’d kissed Briar the other night.
I’ve thought about going for it numerous times since then, but the occasion never felt right, and he hasn’t tried to kiss me either.
What kind of creep would I seem like, trying to make out with my twin’s ex-boyfriend?
Briar is still asleep beside me. It’s Christmas morning, and something has kept me up most of the night.
Well, not something. Him. He’d said he wanted someone like me, then immediately qualified it by saying not me specifically.
I’d thought maybe something was growing between us, but I can’t figure out if he feels the same.
It was a blow to my ego, but what did I expect?
He was right. It would be weird for us to end up together since he just broke up with my twin.
But the more time I spend with him, the more I want him.
We would be a good fit, Briar and me. In the beginning it was a silly crush, me being attracted to the sexy man who kept coming into Sip and Savor, but now…
now I feel like I really know Briar. Where he grew up and how much he loves his family.
The little sleepy sounds he makes when he’s waking up.
That he loves riding snowmobiles, and that he hates ketchup and puts hot sauce on everything.
I know he wants a relationship like I do and hopes to settle down one day, that he cares about others and is always a helper in every situation.
Briar is… God, I’m the most ridiculous man in the world. I’m one hundred percent obsessing.
And I’m so damn glad I’m here.
A soft moan comes from the sleeping body beside me, telling me Briar is waking up.
I smile into the golden room, the sun surprising me by sneaking out from behind clouds and through the window.
He shifts, and I turn onto my side, watching him.
He mumbles something, moans again, and then his eyes flutter.
He startles slightly when he notices me looking at him.
“I’m not being a creeper. I swear. I just like the sounds you make when you wake up in the morning.”
His nose scrunches up. “I make sounds in the morning?”
“Yes. You mumble and sigh like you don’t want to be pulled out of sleep. It’s adorable.” Don’t lean forward and kiss him, don’t lean forward and kiss him. “Has no one told you before?”
“No.” He shakes his head. “I don’t think anyone has ever paid enough attention to me to notice.”
That makes me frown. “Well, that’s a damn shame. They didn’t know what they had. Their loss, my gain.” Only, he’s not really mine, is he? “Merry Christmas,” I say, hoping he forgets my misstep.
“Merry Christmas, Dawson.”
I reach over, push some of the hair back from his forehead.
He smells like soap from his shower last night, and damned if I don’t want to nuzzle into him.
I also have to piss and have aching morning wood.
Before I do or say something stupid, I joke, “I call the bathroom first.” Then scramble over him.
Briar reaches up, wrapping his arms around me. I know what this is. He’s trying to hold me down, wrestle me so I can’t get out of bed before him, but what it does is slot our dicks together, mimics us rutting together in a different way, and fuck, does he feel good.
We both freeze. I don’t move, and he doesn’t let go of me, arms around me, gaze intense on mine.
“Briar,” I say softly, breathlessly, in a husky, sex-starved voice.
“Dawson,” he says in return, and when his gaze flicks to my mouth, I can’t hold myself back anymore. I’m leaning in, holding my breath, counting down the seconds until our lips meet. Just millimeters before they do, his soft breath against my lips, there’s a knock at the door.
“Merry Christmas!” Donna calls out. “Breakfast is ready!”
We look at each other and dissolve into laughter. I drop my forehead against his, our bodies vibrating together.
“Thanks for the cockblock, Mom,” he whispers. “It’s like high school all over again.”
Cockblock. Does that mean he wants it as bad as I do? Wants more?
Unfortunately, my bladder really is full, so I say, “Aren’t moms the best?
” Then climb out of bed and head to the bathroom.
I immediately wish I were back in bed with him.
I take a quick piss, wash my hands, and brush my teeth.
When I open the door, Briar is dancing around as if he has to go as badly as I did.
“Sorry. Didn’t realize you were waiting. ”
“No worries. I’ll be out in a minute. Feel free to head down for breakfast.”
He’d already explained that his mom gets up and makes French toast every Christmas morning. It’s a tradition of theirs, one I’m looking forward to. “Okay. See you soon.”
He gives me what feels like a really soft, sweet smile. “See you soon.”
When I walk out of the room a few minutes later, I still have the biggest grin on my face.
“Good morning, sweetheart.” Donna kisses my cheek as I join her and Jeffrey in the kitchen.
“Morning, son,” Jeffrey says.
I’m torn between gratitude for how they’ve embraced me as part of the family and the guilt I feel because we’re lying to them. If I had it my way, we wouldn’t be lying to them. Briar would be my boyfriend.
“Good morning. Smells great.”
“It’s Briar’s favorite.”
“Please don’t tell me he puts hot sauce on his French toast,” I joke, making them both laugh. He puts it all over his eggs each morning, like he doesn’t want to taste the egg.
“I’m not that bad,” he says, joining us.
“Just making sure I didn’t have the world’s weirdest boyfriend.” I wink at him, and he rolls his eyes, but he can’t hold back his huge smile.
We eat together, lots of laughter and conversation the whole time. We open presents afterward. Briar gives me a hug, holding on longer than I would have expected when he sees the snowmobile ornament I got him. “We need two little figures sitting on it to be us,” I tease.
“I like that,” he replies huskily.
I got his parents monogrammed coasters with an M for either Maine or Maxwell, and loved the warm scarf they got me in return. Briar watches closely as I open my gift from him—a small, 4x6 framed watercolor of mountains, and I clutch it tightly, appreciating it more than he knows.
After gifts, we all head into the kitchen, cleaning up and getting the turkey in the oven.
I smile when I spot the blueberry pie from Hattie’s on the counter.
Briar must’ve mentioned to his parents how much I loved it, or maybe it’s a Christmas custom.
We play board games after that, Briar and his family pulling me into more of their family traditions, which feel so special to me.
I’m lucky they’re sharing them with me, but it makes me think about my own family again.
How I wish we had this, and my complicated relationship with my brother, and how I’m going behind his back right now.
“Time for some football,” Jeffrey says.
“I’ll help Mom in the kitchen for a minute, then come out and watch with you,” Briar tells him.
“Do you mind if I excuse myself for a few minutes to call my family?” Sadly, I’m not sure if any of them will call me…or each other. It’s just not how we are.
“Of course, sweetheart. I’m sure they miss you. We appreciate your spending your holiday with us this year.” Donna reaches out and squeezes my hand. I feel Briar’s gaze on me, holding me, but even when I meet it, I can’t decipher it.
“I’m loving it more than you know.” I turn, hoping Briar doesn’t stop me on my way out. I just need a minute, suddenly overwhelmed by emotions I can’t explain.
I bundle up in my snow gear and head out to the front porch. I sit on the swing and call my mom first.
“Dawson! Merry Christmas. We only have a few minutes. We’re on our way to a holiday party.”
“Oh,” I reply, but she doesn’t hear the frustration in my voice. I’m too old to care that my family isn’t close, but it still bothers me. “I just wanted to say hi and merry Christmas.”
“Hi to you too. We miss you!”
Do they? I can’t help wondering if they really do.
“What are you doing this year?” she asks. “Are you alone?”
Funny that she didn’t think to ask me before now. “No, Mom. I’m not alone. I’m with a guy, actually…and his family. A guy I really like.”
“That sounds nice, dear. I’m glad you’re having a fun holiday. It’s beautiful here! We’ve done lots of skiing.”
She doesn’t ask who the guy is, if we’re dating, or anything else. Again, I know my parents love me, but they’re also so…detached, and they always have been.
We talk for a couple more minutes before my dad yells that it’s time to go. Mom tells him she’s talking to me, and he gives me a merry Christmas through her, and…that’s it. The call is over.
I don’t let myself think about it too much, don’t let myself focus on anything that will bring me down, and call Nathan next.
“Hey, little bro!” He sounds joyful and like he’s been doing a lot of holiday partying.
“I’m only younger by three minutes.”
“You’re still younger,” he says, like we always do. “Merry Christmas. You totally should have come to Miami with me. It’s been a blast. Beautiful people everywhere! I spent the night with the most gorgeous man.”
I know it’s unfair of me to be annoyed, but it’s not as if he and Briar broke up that long ago, and he’s already hooking up? Ugh. I hate the way I’m thinking. He’s single. There’s nothing wrong with him having sex with anyone he wants, but…I don’t understand having Briar and not wanting him.
I would want him.
I do want him.
And these past couple of days, every time he looks at me, I can’t help wondering if maybe he wants me too.
“Do you have a minute? Can I tell you something?”
Nathan’s voice is more serious when he asks, “Is everything okay?” While we’re different in a lot of ways, I know my brother will always have my back. He’s protective of me and always has been. He cares about people, even if he’s not always good at showing it.
“Yeah, just…” I rub a hand over my face. Shit. Am I really doing this? “I, um…like Briar…have feelings for him, I mean. Briar as in your ex,” I finish lamely.
“I didn’t think we both knew another Briar,” he says with a chuckle. “Does he like you too?”
“I don’t know. Maybe? I actually went home with him…to Maine. It’s just a friend thing, but I…I want more. I’m hoping to tell him that, but I didn’t want to do it without talking to you first.”
He sighs, the background noise quieting, as if he went into a different room. “Okay…well, I guess that’s kinda weird. Why didn’t you tell me before I started dating him?”
“Because it all happened so quickly? And because if the two of you really liked each other, then I didn’t think it should matter how I feel.”
“It always matters how you feel, Dawson. You’re my brother.”
His response makes me feel even more guilty for not trusting him…and for crushing on his ex-boyfriend. “Thank you. I didn’t think anything would ever happen. And maybe it won’t. If it’s too weird for you, I won’t say anything, but…”
“But you like him a lot.”
“Yes, I do,” I answer honestly.
“I think…I think he’s a good fit for you and you for him. Better than he and I ever were. If he would make you happy, go for it. That’s all I want for you, ya know? We might be different in a lot of ways, but you’re my twin and I love you.”
I whoosh of air escapes my lungs, the weight I’d been carrying immediately lighter. “I love you too, Nathan. And nothing might come of it.”
“Yeah, but it might. He’d have to be crazy not to want you. You’re boyfriend material, little bro. Maybe it’s time you realize that.”
I hope he’s right, and damn, do I appreciate him for saying that.
“I’m gonna go, all right? You have fun and get your man. As for me, there’s a whole lot of fish in the sea, especially in Miami, and I don’t plan on settling down anytime soon.”
I laugh. It’s such a Nathan thing to say.
We hang up, a boost of confidence filling my veins.
I’m tired of not going for what I want. I’m tired of sitting around and watching life pass me by. It’s partly why I agreed to come with Briar on this trip.
I want Briar to be my boyfriend, for real, and before this trip is over, I plan to tell him.