Chapter 4
Jake
Of all the weeks I would’ve loved to have time slow down, it would’ve been this one; however, shit wasn’t going down that way, so I chose to take control of the situation instead of letting it steer me into a negative mood.
Acting like a little bitch that all of us dads were tasked with the duties of taking toddlers through John and Mickie’s neighborhood to knock on doors and say trick-or-treat all damn night wasn’t going to get me anywhere, so I figured I would make the most of it.
I decided that if I was going trick-or-treating, I was going to be the best-dressed son of a bitch out there.
When I learned that my brother Jim and his best friend Alex were dressing up as Batman and Robin, I chose to steer clear of superheroes altogether, especially since my eight-year-old was the utmost authority on all things Marvel.
I’m sure John was going to give Uncle Jim and Alex a fuck-ton of shit for choosing DC characters, and I wasn’t about to be part of that lecture, so I decided on a costume that would dominate in all our adorable little daughters’ eyes.
Even my son would stand in awe of the costume I picked to parade these turkeys through the neighborhood.
I’d probably be the last guy to show up tonight since work held me over, and I had to rush home to get my costume on before driving to Bungalow Heaven, where John and Mickie bought an adorable Craftsman to raise their family in.
It was the perfect place for two doctors who wanted to escape the loud and busy life of the rich and famous and live like the stars of Leave it to Beaver.
Once I pulled into where we were instructed to park, I hiked my ass up to the Aster family home, not failing to notice the charm of their neighborhood.
It was cute as fuck at Halloween. Every lawn and house was decorated with a charming Halloween theme, and neighbors waved from chairs planted on their front lawns as I strutted my ass up the street, looking for the abode that John and Mickie called home.
“What the hell kind of a geek did you dress up as?” I heard Spencer Monroe say with humor.
“The one who will win the hearts of our little ladies,” I confidently grinned, clapping my hand on the shoulder of my brother’s VP at Mitchell and Associates. “Why aren’t you dressed up?”
“By the time I’d flown in from business overseas, and after this charade was announced mandated by our scheming wives, no more costumes in the store would fit me. Well, none that I would wear, anyway. So, I was left with no other option but to—”
“Does Nat know you didn’t dress up?” I interrupted his cocky diatribe.
“After Natalia called to inform me that I had to take our daughter trick-or-treating and that she has a late, last-minute showing, I knew I’d get out of it. In fact, I predicted this would happen, and here we are.”
“Well, you don’t matter either way,” I said. “Angel is, what, a little over a year old? She wouldn’t remember the holiday if you begged her to.”
“She just had her second birthday, but I do agree. She won’t remember any of this—” Spencer cut himself off mid-sentence, and his eyes were the size of silver dollars, looking at something behind me.
My eyes went to Jim, who’d just walked out of the house and immediately covered his smile with his hand.
“Jesus Christ. What the fuck is that?” Alex declared with humor as he exited behind Jim. Their Batman and Robin costumes were full-blown cosplay level, so I had to give it to them.
They still looked like idiots, though.
“It’s Spencer’s costume,” I heard Nat say from behind me.
I didn’t want to turn to look at what she held because the expression on Spencer’s face and the men walking out of John and Mick’s house were priceless to behold, but I was too curious not to.
Once I caught a glimpse of the costume Natalia was holding, all I knew was that I was thankful she was not my spouse.
“Big bird?” Spencer said with baffled disgust. “That thing is ludicrous, and I’m shocked you even allowed it in your damn car.”
We all remained silent, watching Spencer living the nightmare that the cocky bastard deserved.
“Well, it is your daughter’s favorite character on Sesame Street, so you will strut your handsome ass around in this.”
“This whole trick-or-treat idea that you ladies have devised is beyond my comprehension,” Spencer said. “I’m not wearing that shit. I will take Angel to a couple of houses, and that’s it. Why aren’t you at your showing?”
“Do not speak to me as if I’m some child, Spencer Monroe,” she seethed.
“In fact, this idea of ours was all mine because I’m sick of you always missing these events.
You’re always overseas,” she looked at Jim, “and always working. Missing Angel’s second birthday was where I drew the line, honey,” she smirked, and Spencer crumbled.
“Now, before you make yourself look more foolish in front of your friends, I suggest you put the costume on and be the father of the year. Actions are speaking much louder than words tonight, gentlemen.” She eyed us before looking me up and down and laughing, “What the hell are you, a geek?”
“Geek? No, Nat. The yellow ball of feathers with orange plastic legs you’re about to drop your husband into is the geek costume of the night.”
“His daughter’s opinions and mine are all that matters,” she shrugged. “And Big Bird is our favorite.”
“I’ll say,” Jim dared to speak while Nat was in the process of ripping everyone a new one.
“Dad?” I heard John say as he walked out of the house. He was dressed as Iron Man and all the kids were following him around like he really was Tony Stark. “Why are you dressed like Harry Potter?”
“He’s every kid’s favorite at your age, and your mother loves him, too. Did I nail this or what?”
“Your cape is too short, your hair is way too perfectly styled, and your wand looks like you made it from paper straws.”
“Leave it to your boy to critique his favorite character,” my brother said with a laugh. “You would’ve done well to dress up as Loki and be his enemy for the night.”
John grinned, “Am I being too hard on you, Dad?”
“Just a little,” I said, shrugging my shoulders and feeling sorry for myself that my kid didn’t think I was amazing.
“I think it’s cool,” he said.
“I don’t need your pity, boy,” I taunted him.
“I know, but I’m glad you’re here, and it’s cool you dressed up as one of my favorite book characters.”
Back on the high-status train, my ego was fed, and I was all smiles and cockiness again.
“The best thing about little John, aside from sharing the same name as me, is that he keeps your arrogance in check. Have any of you guys seen my wife?” John Aster said, stepping out onto his front porch where we all stood.
“Yeah, thanks, Aster,” I said. “I haven’t seen Mick, but I just got here, and then I got blinded by Big Bird, so I’m not sure where she is.”
“Seb and Darcy needed a hand to encourage Charlotte to trick-or-treat tonight,” Jim said. “I imagine Charlotte is still struggling with her transition to living in California.”
“Poor thing,” Alex said. “I can’t imagine growing up so isolated and then being thrown into the midst of all of us. Her anxiety must be soaring.”
“Well, I know the ladies will work together to help her. I mean, if Seb’s daughter digs Big Bird, then she’ll be living the high life once Spencer is dressed for this occasion.”
As I expected, my Harry Potter impersonation won the hearts of everyone. After we got our laughs at Spencer’s expense out of the way, we allowed Big Bird to take the lead with his daughter, his fat, feathery ass waddling as we began walking toward the end of the driveway at dusk.
The sun had begun to set, and the sky was painted a beautiful orange hue, perfectly fitting the occasion in this charming neighborhood on this particular night.
Collin’s dumbass got held up at work, so that fucker actually got completely out of this whole shindig, but who cared?
He’d hate to be riding second best to me, and that was a fact.
When we turned up the sidewalk to head to our first house, I couldn’t believe my eyes.
“Whoa!” Addy, Jim’s oldest daughter, said. “That’s so awesome!”
“It’s like at Disneyland,” John said.
“Damn, that is pretty freaking incredible,” Jim added.
I stood in awe of the Headless Horseman, trotting up the street towards us with a lit pumpkin in his hand. Somehow, this person had rigged a smoke machine to the saddle, creating the most badass effect.
“John and Mick’s neighborhood knows how to go out of their way to make this one hell of an event,” Alex said.
Everyone on the street stood and watched as the Headless Horseman began galloping toward us.
“Who’s that?” Spencer said.
I swear to God, I would never be able to lose the image of Spence in this damn costume.
“Neighborhood watch, I assume,” Jim said.
The horse trotted directly up to where Collin’s little son, Alex, held onto Logan and Albert Grayson’s hands protectively. My son nutted up immediately and went over to the little boys as the Headless Horseman started to give even me an eerie vibe.
It took Izzy and Kaley running to my brother for protection for the Headless Horseman to pull open the cloak that was hiding his head.
“It’s just me,” Collin said with a cheerful grin.
I glared at my best friend, and his challenging smirk and arched eyebrow landed on me.
“Are you fucking with me right now?” I said. “Really? You brought a goddamn horse into this?”
Standing there as the children gasped and fawned all over Collin’s costume made me realize I looked no cooler than Big Bird, and Collin flashed a Cheshire Cat grin at me.
“Harry Potter, eh? How very original,” he said. “Better pay some respect, bitch.”
“There are kids here. Watch your language,” I stated, trying to bring this man’s ego down a few octaves.
“When has that ever stopped us?” he truthfully asked.
“Never,” Jim interjected while Sebastian finally caught up to us, holding Charlotte, dressed as Princess Ariel, in his arms. “In fact, because of your and Jake’s usual shenanigans, I was shocked we were all trusted to be alone with these kids and not ruin their holiday.”
“It’s okay,” my all-knowing snitch of a son said as he looked at Jim, “My mom already told me to expect that my dad and Collin would be in a costume war, and because of that, they’d curse all night.”
“Smart one, your mom,” Jim said to my son. “Then, we won’t have to worry about bad examples being set tonight.”
The thing about us group of assholes, especially Collin and me, was that we knew how to have a damn good time.
We were making memories with our kids, and that’s all that mattered.
Even though Collin’s costume had me beat by a hundred miles, our kids would never forget the one night their fathers dressed up and walked them through Bungalow Heaven in Pasadena.
The best part was knowing that putting in all this work got us off the hook for the rest of the holidays. We all nailed it, even Spencer, whose ass was wagging up the street to the sounds of Collin’s horse’s hooves. All of this was unforgettable, and our ridiculous egos rounded it out perfectly.