Chapter 14
Jake
“You awake?” I heard Collin whisper from the bunk above mine.
I had almost drifted off to sleep, and now this.
“No,” I tried to keep my mind from rousing too much. The more I slept, the quicker this would be over.
The next thing I knew, Collin’s head was hanging over his bed, and the moonlight that shone through the thatched walls of our jungle hut gave me the perfect silhouette of my best friend’s restless face.
“What the fuck are we going to do?”
“Sleep. Kill our egos. Get back to our wives,” I said, closing my eyes.
“You realize the shit they gave us to eat tonight is supposed to cleanse our bowels, right?”
“That’s what all detox places say at these little spiritual movements. Trust me, papaya and senna leaf teas are just hype. We’ll be fine.”
“We’re fucked, man,” he said.
“We’re going to be fucked if we can’t fake it to make it in this hellish situation.”
“No. You know Kimberly, my RN? You’ve met her, right?”
“You mean the one who tried to seduce your married ass?” I asked. “Didn’t she get fired over that?”
“Yeah, but before she mistook my kindness for interest, she confided in me about this particular detox process she went through. She told me that she shitted her brains out for twenty-four hours straight after drinking that tea.”
“Damn. You two did get close if you had a woman confide in you about her poop,” I answered. “No wonder you’re on this joyride to hell with me.”
“Never mind that,” Collin said. “When that dude named Kavah made us drink that tea and he used the word senna, it reminded me of her and the stuff she took. Although the stuff she took was called Smooth Move.”
“Well, it’s a wonder you got out of the grievance she filed against you when you backed out of the relationship that she said you led her on with. She was obviously baring her soul to you. You’re such a tease.”
“I’m being fucking serious, dude,” he said.
“So am I,” I answered. “And I’m trying to go to sleep so I don’t go ape shit tomorrow when they feed us blended grass for breakfast.”
“While you were in conversation with that poor bastard whose marriage is actually in legit trouble,” he continued, ignoring me, “I was paying attention to the road we were taking to get here. We could get back to where our wives are, get kicked the fuck out of this place, and be home in two days to beat everyone’s ass who planned this prank. ”
“Two days?”
“That’s including the flight.”
“Knowing my brother and the rest of those assholes, they already know we will come up with some stupid plan like that. Jim won’t let the jet leave until we’ve done our time, man. We’re fucked.”
“It’ll take us three hours on foot to get back to the girls,” he said. “I’m not doing this shit. I don’t need to detox. I don’t need fucking therapy, and I sure as hell don’t need a week away from my wife.”
“A week only if you achieve ego death,” I reminded him. “I’m telling you, we have to fake it and act like we’re into whatever Mother Earth and the Universe wants for us to change our lives and thinking processes.”
“Fuck,” he seethed. “I just thought of something.”
“I thought you’d thought of everything already,” I said with a soft laugh.
“What if they’re giving us the shits so we don’t sneak out of here to get back to Laney and Ash?”
“I think that’s the game plan,” I answered as my stomach made a noise that sounded like a boar dying.
“What the hell?” Collin said as I became suddenly nauseated and sweaty. “Oh, no. Your detox process is already starting.”
“Where’s the fucking toilet?” I damn neared yelled, not sure if shit was oozing out of my tightened and very resistant asshole.
“We have to go outside, remember? Dig our own holes like hunters while the wives gather or whatever?”
I didn’t have time to get angry, think, or even fucking respond to this curse of the shits that’d been cast over me.
The gut-wrenching pain in my belly grew as I nearly shit all over myself whilst storming down the wooden steps of our makeshift hut.
My guts were begging to be relieved as I dug my hands like claws into the dirt, opening a shallow hole that I wasn’t sure would be deep enough for the lava that was about to flow explosively from my terrified butthole.
I didn’t care how deep it was. Whatever was plugging the explosiveness was about to peek out of my ass like a turtle coming out of his shell, so I spun around, dropped my drawers, and let her rip.
Luckily, I was more innovative than the average bear and knew how to be resourceful.
So, while I shit, I dug another hole in front of me, working that mother fucker deep and wide like a World War Two foxhole.
With the way my stomach was making noises and the cramps that were something that made me think of Ash in labor with our children, I knew I had to prepare myself to make whatever peace I could with my creator as my bowels released the toxins I was told I had in them.
“I’m never eating fast food again,” a pathetic mutter came from a man about six feet away.
“Oh, what the fuck?” I said, no longer feeling like I was in a private and peaceful setting in this dense forest filled with ferns and banana trees. I would probably be so damn traumatized after this that I’d never visit a tropical island again.
“Yeah, they said that the—”
“Why are you out here?” I questioned, shocked I had no privacy in this asinine situation I never imagined myself to be in.
“It’s the only place to shit, man,” he said.
I half smiled. “Well, if I start calling on angels to take me, I’m sure you’ll understand,” I said when another sharp cramp hit.
“No kidding. I should’ve eaten less seafood,” another guy cried out from farther away in his own personal agony.
And without missing a beat, my main man came howling out of the nuthouse to join the rest of us on our shitholes of shame.
Silence took over while the papaya seeds and senna tea combo moved mountains and monsters out of our butts.
By the time the sun rose, we’d all found ourselves asleep, leaning against palm trees for relief.
My fucking legs were sore, and I didn’t have words to describe what my asshole was feeling like.
I wasn’t even sure if I had one anymore after shitting the entire night.
I looked up and slowly opened my eyes when I heard the sound of a soft bell and saw Gustoff standing there. I had no energy and no will to live at the moment, and Gustoff knew it.
“Congratulations on accomplishing Apana Vayu. This is one of the pranas in the body, of which there are five. The pranas are energies. Apana Vayu is situated in the rectum area and flows downwards. It is instrumental in discarding that which is unneeded. You must all feel a great accomplishment, knowing that your rectums have achieved a higher purpose in placing your bodies in a healthier state while expelling parasites and toxins that must be removed from our bodies.”
“I’m proud I still have mine,” Collin said the exact phrase I was thinking to myself.
“Very good. A positive phrase finally comes from the mouth of Dr. Brooks,” Gustoff said.
“And yes, while all of you were beginning the first stage of your detoxification process, my staff and I researched your personal histories and the reasons you were recommended to our elite sexual intimacy program.”
“Oh, God. I forgot we were here to revive the sexual intimacy in our marriages,” I said with an exhausted laugh.
“Your orgasms will be much more intense now that the parasites have been flushed from your blessed rectums,” Gustoff said, having a little too much fun insulting us when we were so vulnerable.
“I forgot that it’s Christmas time. It’s only three weeks away,” another man said, bringing the holidays to my attention and how, instead of shopping or having holiday parties, I was hovering near a hole I had dug in the earth and filled with shit that dated back to my adolescent years.
The man’s response had nothing to do with what Gustoff was speaking about, but that’s probably because he’d lost all sense of time and space after last night’s harrowing ordeal.
“You will all feel one thousand percent motivated and thrilled to embrace the holiday season in any way you prefer,” Gustoff added with a smile before ringing the bell again.
“What’s the bell all about?” I questioned, still no energy to be combative.
“This is a Tibetan bell. It represents wisdom,” he said, seeming much kinder now that I was thinking about it.
“That might be the wrong bell to be ringing on my account, Gus,” Collin said, his voice weak and tired. “I think I expelled every ounce of wisdom with the Apana Vayu movements I was enduring last night,” he said, prompting us to chuckle.
“Come,” Gustoff said with a smile. “There are outdoor showers that flow naturally from our springs that will cleanse you all and prepare you for our yoga sessions today. The food that has been prepared will replenish your bodies from what was lost while flushing out the toxins.”
“You know something?” Collin said, a man who’d practically begged to hold hands hours ago while the thunder rolling out of our asses slapped louder than any storm nature could drum up. “This might be good for us.”
“You’re dehydrated, lightheaded, and are literally no longer full of shit, so I’m guessing you really mean that?” I answered.
“I lost my will to fight, bro. I think I had an out-of-body experience last night,” he said with a laugh while everyone fumbled to pull our tunics down and follow Rojak toward the showers.
“He got me a bit more interested after stating that this whole detox process will heighten the sexual experience. I’m going to need a payoff after that showdown last night,” I said.“Well, we have no idea what the next step will be, so let’s not praise the detox gods yet.”
“You think Ash and Laney had to go through this?” I asked, a bit concerned about my wife.
“Your wives are well looked after and taken care of, I assure you,” the man leading us said. “Do not worry about them. Women are much stronger than men mentally. When you achieve ego death, you shall understand this.”
“I’m not arguing with that truth,” I answered. “I felt like I gave birth to a herd of buffalos, and I felt death coming for me last night. I’ve never imagined myself being stronger than my wife in such situations.”
“Very good,” the man smirked and smiled at me. “You may achieve ego death sooner than the rest.”
“That’s the hope,” I said, proud of myself for scoring a point.