Chapter 16
Jake
After gagging down fresh herbs, a tea that I still couldn’t pin down the flavor on, and some watered-down, milky grass, I was shocked to feel a bit energetic again after last night’s parade in the banana tree forest.
Thank God that nightmare was over, although I wasn’t thrilled that it meant I was headed into the next phase of whatever-the-fuck this whole ordeal was.
“Feel your inner strength fighting its way to the surface, moving past the restrictions of this life and the troubles we face in it. Draw in the fabric of your essence and the raw power that propels you to…”
“Do you think this is going to help us like the breakfast we ate this morning that saved our lives after shitting all night?” Collin whispered to me as Gustoff spoke in some weird hypnotic voice in this group meditation we were forced into.
“I have no fucking idea. I just know that we better act like our egos died within four days from now, or we will be doing this for two weeks.”
“I mean, I could try to get into this shit, but I can’t focus with the way this man is talking. He’s practically singing to us.”
“I can’t focus because my balls are resting on the dirt,” I answered truthfully.
“Dr. Brooks and Dr. Mitchell,” Gustoff called out, busting us like high school teens disrespecting the teacher during a lecture.
“Sir,” I said in the most respectful voice I could muster.
I was a forty-year-old heart surgeon who could save this man without needing his gratitude or even a thank you.
I needed nothing more than to see that he survived and lived another day to be with his family again.
Yet, here I was, being treated like some sixteen-year-old piece of shit who’d been smoking weed in the parking lot before school.
“My name is Gustoff. I expect to be called that,” he said in a resounding voice.
“I do not appreciate the condescending names of a world that chooses to put people on pedestals, reducing them to mere titles in a farcical hierarchy,” he said, making an example of me for referring to him in a manner I had been raised to use as a symbol of reverence.
“My bad,” I said, holding back my annoyance at being used as the bad student example. “I just thought it was more respectful—”
“You thought, Dr. Mitchell,” he answered, “and that was your first mistake. Thinking has led you down the wrong path, keeping your ego alive and your renewal unable to occur in the meditation that all of us, except you and Dr. Brooks, have chosen to take seriously.”
“I’m taking this seriously, or I wouldn’t be here with my balls and my wife’s favorite physical treasure floundering on the dirt,” I said.
No one laughed except Collin. I smirked over at him, thanking him with a smile for being on my team.
“Forgive me if this insults you, but when your wife filled out her questionnaire and was asked about the favorite attributes of her husband, your penis was never mentioned,” he said, almost too happy in response.
“Well, my wife wouldn’t say that to strangers. I’m sure she said it was my eyes or something cute,” I countered.
“No, your eyes were never mentioned. It is strange that she wouldn’t say that since she is a deeply spiritual woman who knows that eyes are windows to the soul.”
I glared at the man, and I wished I could kill his ego instead of him harassing mine until it croaked.
Fuck. If this was ego death, I didn’t want this shit.
More and more, I was willing to take Collin up on escaping this freakshow, going to rescue our wives from the hell they were most likely enduring, and getting off this fucking nightmare island.
“As I stare into your eyes from this distance,” Gustoff continued, “I feel a darkness there that must be brought forth.”
“The only darkness is me being highly irritated that my two-week Christmas break is being spent here with you, shitting in a hole in the forest, and the worst part is that I don’t even have my beautiful wife in my arms.”
“Good response, man,” Collin said, knowing I was about to take more shit from this guy. The humor and drama from my interaction were more entertaining than the meditations we’d interrupted, so Collin was all about this happening at my expense.
“Thanks,” I thanked him anyway because, facing facts, I needed the positive reinforcement.
“No problem,” he winked at me.
“It is easy to see there are still toxins that were not depleted from your energy field during your Apana Vayu sessions,” Gustoff said, nodding toward an assistant, giving him the go-ahead to dose me up on papaya and senna again.
Fuck that shit.
I stood. “Listen,” I held my hands up in peace toward the man I’d internally declared an enemy, “I am in no way, shape, or form holding onto darkness like you believe you’ve seen in my eyes.
” I glanced around the room to the men who sat in subjugation because they didn’t want to end up shitting in holes all night again.
Most people used their damn brains and went along with stupid shit like this, but I didn’t.
I’d had about enough of Gus and the friendly meditation prison I was in.
“And for the record, my wife loves my penis, so there’s that, too. ”
“Jesus Christ, Jake,” Collin feigned horror and shock. “Take it down a notch.”
I eyed my best friend with annoyance, “Really, Collin? You’re buying into all this?”
“If it saves my ass, and I mean literally, then yes.” He whispered before he looked at Gustoff, and the meditation police who stood on stage with him, and pointed at me, “This guy is like a brother to me, but I don’t agree with anything he’s saying at all.”
“Betraying a brother?” Gustoff said, seeing straight through Collin’s bullshit.
“No,” Collin said.
“Bullshit,” I answered. “You’re kissing ass to save your own because you know they’re getting ready to hand me mine.”
“Please rise and join your friend, Dr. Brooks,” Gus said, making me borderline terrified about what would happen next.
“I’m good,” Collin said. “In fact, I’m like you.
I don’t need the titles and whatnot like you were saying earlier.
I would rather you keep me on your level and refer to me by my first name.
Call me Collin. My patients and staff at the hospital refer to me as a doctor, as if I am above them, but there is no need for you to do so.
We are all on the same level out here in this astounding yoga and meditation clinic. ”
“It’s an intimacy retreat, Collin,” Gustoff corrected my kiss-ass best friend, and I couldn’t help but laugh at Collin’s sleazy treachery, selling me out so that he didn’t have to shit in a hole again. “And being a doctor is a noteworthy profession. Have you saved lives in your work?”
“I have, sir—I mean Gus. I mean Gustoff,” he said, pulling himself together.
“This is a wonderful service to mankind and humanity; would you say so?”
“Absolutely,” Collin answered, probably believing that Gus wasn’t about to nail him in some unexpected way.
I didn’t jump to his defense, even though I knew this was headed for disaster; his Judas act had earned him whatever was to come.
“Then why would you not seek acknowledgment for this? Why would you dare make so little of something so remarkable?”
“Well, I think it’s because my ego has died,” Collin said, giving his lying ass away.
“Your ego has died?” Gustoff said.
“Yeah. It happened last night while contemplating death during the Apana Vayu I experienced. And because of that, I seek no recognition or status in this world,” he drew his hands out as if he were in some meditative class and waved them from hip to hip like he was creating a rainbow, “I am merely an average person like everyone amongst me.”
“An average person, you say?”
“Yes,” Collin answered.
“So, if you see yourself as an average person who has saved lives, do you consider those lives average as well?”
“Huh?” Collin answered.
“It is a simple question for an average mind like the one you claim to have, Collin,” Gustoff said.
“Well, their lives weren’t average. They were important, and those people mean something more to those who know and love them.”
“But you insult them all by telling me they trusted an average man like yourself to save their lives,” Gustoff said.
“No. Wait, what?”
“You just referred to yourself as an average person. Did you not?”
“Yeah, but that’s not what I meant. I didn’t mean to insult my patients or their families by saying they were average for choosing me as their doctor.”
“That’s exactly what you just declared,” Gus answered.
“Quit while you’re ahead, guy,” I advised Collin.
“Well, I see them as the bright lights,” Collin kept trying to dig himself out of this hole. “They did their research on me as their physician and trusted me to be their servant in saving their lives.”
“You feel you were their servant. That is a blessed way to think for a seasoned doctor,” Gus said.
Collin sighed in relief. “Thank you, and it’s truly how I feel,” he said, looking at every man who was staring at these two clowns.
“Do you charge money for your services, or should I say servitude?”
“Well, of course. Everyone knows you’ve got to pay the doctor, and the doctor has to eat.”
“This is where your ego has deceived you, and your arrogance shines brightly tonight,” Gus smiled.
“You speak lies to get through this program. That’s not at all uncommon,” Gus glanced around the room.
“Most men who are disconnected from their true sense of self lie and deceive and play games.” He looked at me, “They are quick to anger and slow to forgiveness. Dr. Mitchell and Collin have shown us a valuable lesson, one we must always be mindful of.”
“And that is?” Collin said, his mood now matching mine.
“Deceiving the ones trying to help soothe you and your spirit is merely deceiving yourselves. You hurt only yourself by lying through your teeth to progress through this program.”
“That’s the thing. I love my wife and my kids,” I said honestly.
“This trip was supposed to be a fun retreat. I thought we’d be firing up the sex life on all cylinders, but here I am instead in some weird-ass situation, feeling like a child who is getting busted for talking in class.
I swear, I didn’t sign up for this shit. ”
“No, you didn’t. Your wives signed you up,” Gustoff looked at Collin and me. “I knew you two would be the most difficult among us because the other men signed up for this themselves.”
“So, my wife knew I would be going through this?” I answered, a bit disturbed that Ash would go so hardcore on my ass.
Shit, remind me never to miss John’s band recital again.
“They knew you would all be reunited with more intense love and passion,” Gustoff said.
“Before we go further in our outdoor therapy, which will be braiding palms, I want to acknowledge that I am quite impressed with Dr. Mitchell and Collin today. Collin has shown me motivation, whether based on deceit or not, and Dr. Mitchell has shown me that he is progressing toward ego death by relating himself to his youthful inner child.” He clapped his hands, “Good work today to the both of you.”
I looked at Collin as if he’d grown two heads and then back to Gus as if he’d grown three.
This was only day one of this circus, and I already wasn’t sure what kind of man I’d return to Ash as.
I was exhausted, hungry for a rare steak, and dying to be home.
I would give just about anything to be at home and decorating for Christmas with Ash.
Hell, I’d even put on a goddamn apron and bake fucking Christmas cookies.
All the things I usually took for granted sounded like paradise right now.
My mind went to Ash, wondering if she was enjoying herself.
She loved the holiday season, Bing Crosby playing in the background while she and the kids baked cookies and fudge and decorated the tree.
Half the time, I referred to her as Mrs. Claus because she went all-out for the holidays, starting the day after Thanksgiving.
Now, we were separated on this remote island, and it didn’t feel like the holidays.
To make matters worse, she couldn’t decorate anything or bake cookies with the kids because we were here killing our egos.
I had to make this up to her. She was probably coming off the back of shitting in the sand all night while eating grass and participating in things that pulled her farther away from the festive brightness of the holiday season.
Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I became concerned about ruining the holidays for Ash by coming here and greedily thinking I’d be screwing my wife for two weeks straight to bring some fiery passion back to our lives.
All she would’ve wanted was just to have me present while decorating the family Christmas tree, but instead, we were here.
I had no idea how miserable my lady was on the other side of this island.
Maybe tonight, if we didn’t drink the shitting poison, Collin and I could escape and get back to the ladies.
I’d book our flights home, and we’d be there in time to decorate and enjoy our children and families.
Because at this rate, with Collin selling out and not getting my back to save his own, he and I would wind up mortal enemies by the end of everything. Somehow, I felt responsible for saving Christmas…and I would.