Chapter 29
Twenty-Nine
Briar
I don’t sleep much. The bed feels so cold without Caleb in it with me. He clearly isn’t sleeping much, either. I can hear him moving downstairs all night.
The more time that has gone on through the night, the more my anger turns into sadness.
Am I angry that Caleb cheated because I think I should be angry? Or am I angry he cheated because I had the opportunity to be with Dean, and I turned him down?
Or am I sad that my husband and I seem to want the same man, and I’m afraid it’s tearing us apart? Or even worse…that my husband has kept his sexuality from me this whole time?
When morning finally arrives, I pretend to be asleep as Caleb gets ready for work. I feel him approach, brushing my hair from my face before leaning in and pressing his lips to my head.
It guts me, but I’m not ready to talk to him yet. I just need to figure out how I feel first.
After he leaves, I finally climb out of bed. It’s futile to try and sleep now.
Instead, I shower and replay everything. I can’t deny that when I take away everything else in this situation, the thought of Dean and Caleb together is more alluring than I expected it to be. I think the truth is, I’m not mad about it—just curious.
What were they like? Rough or romantic? Did Caleb tell him to do it, or did Dean gently force it on him in his own special, charming Dean way?
Did Caleb like it? Does he want more?
How long has he had these feelings and never told me?
By the time I get out of the shower, I realize that the only thing I’m truly angry about is the fact that I wasn’t included in any of this. I’m mad at both of them. What if they have feelings for each other and Caleb leaves me for him? What if our marriage is a lie?
I’m full of questions, and there’s only one person home right now who can give me answers.
After getting dressed and drying my hair, I march across the yard to the garage, climbing the stairs in silent frustration. I bang twice on the door.
“Dean, open up.”
I hear movement inside, followed by footsteps before the door opens. He looks tired and weary as he holds the doorframe and waits for me to talk. As he stands before me, I curse internally at how goddamn handsome he is, and the anger bubbles to the top again.
Shoving him inside, I slam the door shut behind me. Pointing a finger in his direction, I sneer. “How dare you?”
“Oh, so he told you,” he replies dryly with sarcasm.
“Don’t be coy with me,” I snap.
Then, without thinking, I let my hand fly as I slap him hard against the side of his face. His head turns, and he freezes as the sound echoes through his apartment. My hand stings, but it’s a good pain. It’s exhilarating, a welcome relief from everything I’ve built up for so long.
“First, you try to seduce me,” I shout. “Then you seduce him!”
My hand flies, and I slap him again. With a wicked smirk, he licks his lips.
“Careful. You should know how much that turns me on.”
Ignoring how sexy that sounds and the way my blood is starting to boil under the surface, I continue, “It’s not funny! What are you doing, Dean? Why are you doing this to us? Caleb was vulnerable last night; this is the last thing he needs right now. Not to mention the way this hurts me. ”
When I move to strike him once more, hoping to get a rise out of him or, I don’t know, to turn him on some more, he snatches my wrist. Taking a step toward me with my arm in his hand, he backs me up to the kitchen counter.
“You think I’m doing this?” he exclaims. “That I’m the one to blame?”
“This is what you want, right? To get between us. To drive us apart because you have some resentment toward my husband. Isn’t that right?”
When I try to yank my arm from his grip, he only tightens his hold and leans into me.
“Sure, at the beginning ,” he argues, bringing his face close to mine.
“But it’s you two who have been getting in my head ever since.
You think this is just sex to me, Briar?
You think I got a moment of sleep last night after what happened with Caleb? Fuck no!”
His voice is loud now, and I can see the rattled demeanor in his tired eyes. He’s erratic and desperate as he moves my held wrist behind my back, gathering the other along with it so that I’m fully pinned.
Part of me starts to tremble, but I trust Dean. I know he won’t hurt me. The adrenaline and fear are laced with arousal to the point where I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin.
Bringing his nose to my cheek, he continues, “I couldn’t stop thinking about you last night.
About how much you’d hate me for what happened.
I worried I’d lost you for good. You seriously think I’m trying to drive you two apart?
I know that at the end of all of this, you two will stay together.
I see how much you love each other. Only one person will get left behind, and we all know that person is me. ”
“No,” I whisper, gazing into his eyes.
“What am I to you?” he whispers. “Just someone to help you fix your marriage.”
“You know that’s not true,” I argue, struggling against his hold. “I see the way he looks at you. And the way I feel about you, you're so much more than that.”
With his free hand, he grabs me by the throat, holding me gently as he brings our faces together. “Then what did you expect me to do, Briar? Wait until you both need me again? Sit on the sidelines while I watch you get the man I want…or watch him get the woman I want?”
My eyes widen, and it becomes impossible to breathe. Is this really how he feels?
Staring back at him, everything becomes so clear.
Dean has latched on to us this past month.
He’s filled the spaces in our lives that I didn’t even realize were there, and as my heart has started to grow tender for him, I’ve brushed it off and avoided facing the truth—that I’m falling in love with him.
“I’m sorry that Caleb cheated on you, and I hate that something I did brought you pain,” he murmurs against my lips. “But that’s how I felt the day you turned me down.”
“It was never because I didn’t want you, Dean. I wanted you so bad,” I reply softly.
“Do you still want me?” he mumbles against my lips.
“I’ll always want you,” I say on a gasp as his mouth crashes against mine.
Tightening his grasp on my wrists, he holds me in place while his mouth devours mine. Our tongues tangle in a desperate dance as I bite his bottom lip, and he lets out a yelp.
This kiss is the breaking of the dam. It’s the fire on the fuse. It’s the tidal wave that drags us from the shore.
We’re lost to the current, both of us letting out so much frustration and helplessness. The want and desire that we’ve built up is finally overflowing, and we let it carry us away.
Dean’s mouth is ravenous, soft friction against my own. As his kisses move their way across my jaw, I know there is no stopping us now. I’m too far under. I need him. I need his comfort, his touch, his body.
“Dean,” I gasp as his mouth nibbles on my neck and warmth floods between my legs.
“What?” he mumbles against my clavicle.
“I need you,” I cry out, trying to spread my legs. My hands are still pinned against my back, and he has me practically bent over backward against the counter, the edge bruising my spine as he grinds into me.
Dean pulls his mouth from my flesh and releases my wrists. Taking my face in his hands, he stares down at me with desperation.
“That was a hard line, remember? I can’t fuck you, Briar.”
“I don’t care about lines or rules or anything anymore. Haven’t we done enough to blur those by now? When it comes to you, there clearly are no limits for Caleb and me.”
His mouth crashes against mine again, nipping at my bottom lip as he whimpers into my mouth.
Then, without warning, he pulls his mouth away and hoists me over his shoulder, carrying me across the small apartment to the bed against the wall.
Tossing me on the mattress, he doesn’t waste a second before climbing over me and positioning himself between my legs.
“Do you have a condom?” I ask, feeling a tremble in my bones. I haven’t needed to use a condom in over ten years. It feels reckless and strange to ask for one now.
“Yes, of course,” he replies, kissing my neck again.
He presses his forehead to mine as he notices me reeling with thoughts and indecision. “Are you sure you want to do this? We can stop.”
“More than anything.”
The more he touches me, the more I’m swept away by this lust. Tearing his shirt from over his head, I run my hands over his chest. This feels wrong, but the more wrong it feels, the more I want it.
It’s inappropriate to want another man. But knowing how Caleb felt last night makes me feel closer to him. He wanted this, too. He felt the same temptation to sin that I’m feeling now, and we’re taking this leap together. All three of us.
In a frenzy of desire, Dean works off my top, and I unclasp my bra. As he works off his pants awkwardly, I slip mine off as well, pulling off my underwear, too. Then, I’m naked. And so is he. And suddenly, it feels so real. I can’t stop shaking with anticipation.
On his knees between my legs, he stares down at me as if he’s in awe.
“You’re so fucking beautiful,” he says, running his fingers along my belly and down my thigh.
Over the stretch marks and patches of cellulite.
Every inch of my body that I criticize, he relishes in, touching me as if I’m something special.
I keep waiting for the voice in my head to tell me to stop, but it never does.
There’s no voice. No presence of God or an angel on my shoulder or fear of hell.
There is just me and this man and a million complicated emotions that require so much more than the black and white of right and wrong to determine whether or not we should be doing this.