Chapter 17
SEVENTEEN
JACKSON
It was two days after we got back from break that I got a call from Dad. I was already feeling shitty enough so I didn’t bother to answer it, but I only got part way through the voicemail he left before I deleted the message and set my phone aside.
“Hey, son, it’s your father. We noticed you never did show up for Thanksgiving so we assume you were with a friend. Hope you had a good time. Just wanted to let you know that your mother and I will be on a cruise over Christmas. We won it at one of those charity dinners we attended, so —” and that’s where I stopped listening, because I know how that sentence ends. Not with him inviting me to come along, but with him telling me he hopes I can find somewhere nice to spend the holiday and they’ll talk to me in the new year.
Sure they fucking will.
Between that and all the calls and messages from Preston over the past couple of weeks, I’m not doing so great. Not seeing him has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I remind myself with every text or phone call I ignore that I’m protecting myself, and that it’s better this way. Even if it feels like someone is running my heart over a cheese grater, shredding it into a thousand different pieces.
I’m struggling to sleep, or eat, or pay attention in class, and my final exams are going to suffer for it, I know. I’m studying as much as I can, but it’s difficult to focus. I’ve spent minimal time with Rory and Lucy, and when I am with them I know I’m not myself.
I get a text from Lucy, inviting me to the Christmas party she and her roommates are throwing right before break. I tell her I’ll be there because I need to get out again, and if I don’t show up I know she and Rory will come find me.
The invitation says to invite friends, so they must be expecting quite the crowd. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach that Preston will probably be there, and with how persistent he’s been about wanting to talk to me I don’t think there will be much avoiding him. Him showing up on my doorstep I did not expect. Hell, I honestly didn’t expect him to text or call as much as he did either, and I don’t understand why he hasn’t given up yet. I’m not worth all this.
I get a message from Rory, too, telling me that the art show is coming up and that he’d love for me to come see his work. Of course I’ll be there, no matter how I feel, because it’s Rory.
So when Thursday night rolls around I dress in black slacks, a black dress shirt and do my best job on my makeup. My eyes have dark circles under them and my hair won’t cooperate. I apply some makeup under my eyes to try and hide the circles as best I can.
I give up trying to make my hair look perfect because I don’t want to be late and I’m honestly too damn depressed to put more effort into it. So, with my earrings and rings in place and my coat and shoes on, I head out the door to meet up with Lucy and Parker.
It’s dark outside when I arrive, and I see a crowd gathered inside through the floor to ceiling windows, and more people on the sidewalk and in the parking lot heading that way. The snow is lit up by the streetlights that are lighting the pathway leading to the door, and I see Lucy step out of her car as I make my way inside. I meet her in the entryway and she gives me a hug and a kiss.
“You okay?” she asks, probably noticing my tired eyes and imperfect hair. Or the fact that I can’t seem to make myself smile lately. “You’ve been a little different, lately.”
“I’m okay,” I tell her. “Just tired, and lots of finals that wore me out.” I think I managed to get decent grades, but it was an exhausting couple of weeks, and I’m not at all looking forward to spending Christmas alone in my apartment. “Looking forward to the party tomorrow.” I manage a small grin.
Her eyebrows furrow but I speak again before she can. “You look good.” Her coat is open now and she’s dressed in a hunter green dress that falls to her knees and has a deep v in the front, showing off her cleavage tastefully. Her hair is down and she has snowflake earrings in her ears and a matching necklace.
“Thank you,” she tells me.
I’m saved from having to talk anymore when Parker shows up and grins as he makes his way towards us. Lucy hugs him and kisses his cheek, and when he looks at me he has the same concern on his face that she does. I don’t say anything, just stand with my hands in my pockets.
“You okay?” he asks, and god I’m getting really sick of that question. What do they want me to say? “No my life is shit right now,” right before Rory’s show? Even if I wanted to tell them, now isn’t the time or the place, so I nod.
My phone buzzes then and I take it out, only to see that it’s a message from Preston. God, I wish he’d stop trying to get me to answer him because I’m about to give in, and I can’t.
Ken doll: Please talk to me, I miss you so much
I swallow and my cheeks heat as I slide the phone back in my pocket without answering yet again, and we make our way through the crowded hallway, filled with different pieces of art; drawings, paintings, photographs and more. I am looking forward to seeing Rory’s piece, because I know what a talented artist he is and that it will be amazing, but I get distracted by my phone once more and let Lucy and Parker take the lead as I trail behind them, checking my messages again.
Ken doll: Tinkerbell?
Ken doll: If we’re done, at least say goodbye to me in person i deserve that much
I don’t realize how absorbed I am in my phone until I hear a hushed, “Jackson Bardot, if you’re looking for Grindr hookups right now I’m gonna cut off your balls.”
I blink and look up to see Lucy standing there, scowling at me.
“It's not Grindr,” I tell her. She scowls harder.
“What are you doing? Can’t whatever it is wait until later? This is Rory’s night.”
She’s right, and I’m being a complete dick. I silence my phone and put it away.
“I’m sorry,” I say, looking over at where Rory is standing with Parker.
“Don’t apologize to me. Go over there and congratulate Rory.”
I make my way over to Rory and manage a smile as I hug him. “I’m sorry I’m being an asshole,” I apologize.
“It’s okay.”
“No it’s not. Things are fucked up right now, but you’re my best friend and tonight is your night. I’m really proud of you, babe.”
Rory gives a small smile, but I can tell he and Lucy are worried about me. I admire the watercolor he did of Parker, lying on his stomach in bed, the sheet draped over him, covering his bottom half and exposing his top half to the sun pouring through the bedroom window. It’s stunning.
We leave after looking at a few more pieces, and when we say goodnight they both tell me they’ll see me tomorrow at the party at Lucy’s.
I look at the messages on my phone once more before I fall into a restless sleep.
PRESTON
“Come on, just come,” Chris says, sitting on the coffee table across from where I’m lying on the couch with a giant bowl of Captain Crunch. There’s no milk on it, I’m just eating it dry. It’s helping me cope, sort of.
I’m not at all okay, and he knows it. He’s seen me fall off the rails over the past three weeks, with Jackson ignoring me. I’ve been sleeping a lot during the day, stopped shaving, and have been eating an inordinate amount of junk food. That's when I’m not punching something, or sobbing into my pillow. I’ve gone through all the emotions and I still am; but I think the one that is most prominent is heartbreak. I’m pissed as hell, but I’m pretty sure it’s because I feel so goddamn hurt. And the more I think about it the more pissed I get, because he’s treating me like shit and I don’t deserve that.
“I know things suck for you right now,” Chris says, ever the patient one. “But it’s the last night before break. Would you rather spend it at home, moping around in your pajamas, watching the same TV show for the next six hours, and giving yourself a sugar coma, or would you rather come to a party and have good food, and drinks, and dance.”
“Well?” he prods when I don’t say anything, just shove another handful of Captain Crunch in my mouth.
“I’m thinking,” I say, through my mouthful.
“Come on, get up. You’re going. It will be good for you.” He moves down the hall towards my room and comes back with a pair of my jeans that he tosses to me, then heads into his room and finds the most god-awful hideous Christmas sweater I can imagine and beams at me as he holds it up.
“If you’re trying to convince me to go, that’s not the way to do it.”
He laughs and tosses it to me. “Get dressed.”
I grumble but do as he says. I’m sure Jackson will be there since it’s Lucy’s apartment we’re going to. We got an extended invitation from Parker. I have no idea what I’ll do when I see him. Will he even talk to me? Will he pretend I don’t exist? Is he with someone else now? Has he been fucking a bunch of other guys since we got back, while I’ve been so upset I can’t even fucking jerk off? I don’t know if this is such a good idea, but I find myself changing anyway, because I want to know, even if it hurts, and maybe going tonight will give me some answers, and some closure. I’m still not convinced that this is actually what he wants, but I guess I’ll find out.
When we get to the apartment, we can hear Christmas music playing through the door, and knock. Lucy answers and smiles, waving us inside. She takes our coats and hangs them in the closet, then disappears, but not before telling us that there’s lots of yummy snacks and drinks in the kitchen.
There’s a crowd of people here already, laughing, talking, and drinking, and of course I spot Jackson on the other side of the room, chatting up some guy in a red shirt that’s clinging to his biceps and black pants that are so tight they don’t leave anything to the imagination. He’s wearing stupid reindeer antlers on his stupid head. Jackson is dressed in red pants and a black, almost sheer shirt, with glitter on it, and he’s got an elf headband on his head. Of course it looks adorable, even though I tell myself it doesn’t. I watch him for a while, before I can’t anymore and make my way into the kitchen, feeling sick and pissed.
Chris comes with me, but after grabbing a drink I tell him he can do his own thing and doesn’t need to babysit me all night. I know he’s sticking close because he wants to make sure I’m okay, but I won’t let him spend his whole evening around my grumpy ass. Guy deserves to have some fun.
I grab a drink and head back into the living area where I start chatting with Blake and Sarah, while trying not to cast any glances in Jackson’s direction and failing. He doesn’t even seem to notice me.
My jaw clenches when I see Reindeer Idiot placing his hand on Jackson’s arm. I notice that Jackson coyly crosses his arms so that the forward little asswipe can’t touch him as easily, but I’m still fuming.
I finish my drink and make my way back into the kitchen, running into Lucy, who is being dragged away by a pretty girl with large breasts and red curls, wearing a Santa Clause jumpsuit and a headband with blinking Christmas lights on it.
Rory and Parker are in the kitchen, and I know I should say hi, but I’m really in no mood to have a conversation. I’m too fucking riled up.
I put my cup down and pick up a plate, filling it with snacks.
“Hey, you okay?” Parker asks.
My reply is rude, and I know it, but I can’t help it. “Yeah, sure.” I shove a chip in my mouth and crunch down on it hard.
“How were finals?” Parker tries again, and I shove a second chip in my mouth.
“Great. Amazing. Fucking fantastic.” I know Parker just wants to help, and he’s so sweet, I hate being such an ass. I’m just not myself right now so I hope he’ll forgive me.
I hear a laugh from the next room that I instantly recognize as Jackson’s and my body tenses. I take a bite of a cookie.
“Listen, I know we haven’t talked much lately,” Parker says. “But you know you can talk to me. About anything.”
I nod and meet his gaze. “Yeah, thanks. I’m fine, though. Really.”
Parker squeezes my shoulder and he and Rory head back to the living room. I take a minute to catch my breath, and I think I’m doing better when I head back out, which I am, as I join Chris and some others for a game of Pin the Nose on Rudolph.
I’m laughing for the first time all night, until I see Jackson on the fucking dance floor with Reindeer Idiot, and they’re getting awfully close. Well, Reindeer Idiot is getting awfully close to Jackson, who hasn’t moved, but I don’t like how this clown is crowding him, and touching him, again, running his hands down Jackson’s chest, grabbing his hips and pulling him close.
Fuck, I know I have no right to be jealous because he told me it was just a fling, but I’m fucking watching the man I love get felt up by another guy and it’s making me see red.
When the other guy grips Jackson’s ass I fucking lose it. I march through the crowd and onto the makeshift dance floor, gripping his shoulder and shoving him away from Jackson. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
There’s a collective gasp and I realize every single eye in the room is on me. But I don’t fucking care.
“Preston, calm down,” Jackson says, holding a hand up, right before I shove Reindeer Idiot.
“Get your fucking hands off him,” I snarl.
“What the hell?” Jackson’s voice is much angrier this time. “Preston, lay off, it’s none of your business.”
Fuck, I feel like I’ve been punched in the sternum. “Fuck you,” I retort. “I can’t do this anymore, Jackson. I’m fucking done. Have a nice life.”
I look at Lucy as tears sting at the corners of my eyes. “I’m sorry.” Then I head for the door, grabbing my coat on the way out.
Merry fucking Christmas.