Chapter 17 She’s Light #3
“We’re so tall. Look!” Amelia raises her hands above her head, and Stella matches it.
“You sure are! Soon, you’re going to be as tall as me.”
“Where’s the love for me, huh?” Aspen shouts, and their little eyes grow bright with mischief.
“Is someone talking?” Stella says as she shrugs.
“I don’t hear a peep,” Amelia echoes.
“You little monsters. Come here!” Aspen runs to catch them, and they take off towards Stella’s room.
“Five minutes!” Liam shouts, grabbing Elijah from his dad’s hands.
“Where were you, and what are those?” he asks, looking at the bags Joe set on the ground.
“Goodies for my girls. I can take these kids back to my place if you wanna hang out with your friends longer,” his dad adds, but Liam shakes his head.
“What’s up with you, my guy? You’re smiling,” Joe says my way.
“Why is everyone acting like I’m the grumpy one here?”
“Because you are,” Aspen shouts, running back into the living room, out of breath. “It’s the girlfriend he won’t tell us about.”
“What I want to know is where did you get the idea I have a girlfriend?”
“I saw you with her. You were all lovey eyes at that bookstore in Baker. You blew me off to, what? Go to a bookstore? So after biking, I followed your Sim and found you.”
“What’s a Sim?” Joe asks. Tonight, apparently, is the night of everyone being confused.
“It’s what Aspen calls the little icon he uses when he tracks where we are.”
“Son, why are you tracking your friends?”
“Because shit happens, and I like to know where they are. We all track each other.”
We nod.
He’s right, and I’m thankful for it. It took me forever to find my mom. It wasn’t until I saw it on the news that we found out about the crash. I had no way of knowing, and I don’t ever want to feel that useless again.
“The question here is, why didn’t you ask instead of stalking me?”
Aspen sighs, taking the baby out of Daisy’s arms again, snuggling with her on the recliner. That man loves babies. “Because you’ve been lying, and I don’t know why.”
I shake my head, pinching my nose. Oliver drags a stool out, signaling for me to take it, and sits on the one across from me. Lucas gets sodas and beers out of the fridge, handing me the soda and tossing one to Liam and Joe, and cracking his beer open.
“What’s up?” Mateo asks from the couch. They won’t drop it. They won’t let it go, and I both hate and love them for it.
“There is a girl,” I add and take a sip of my soda.
“I knew it!” Aspen shouts, startling the baby. When Daisy narrows her eyes at him, he apologizes. “Sorry, continue.”
“But it’s not what you think.” They all wait for me to continue, but I don’t even know what to say.
“I met her a few weeks ago, and we…talk. I like talking to her.” I narrow my eyes at all of them, raising one finger. “You know when people go to a bar and talk to the bartender like a therapist? It started like that, but now we’re friends, I think.”
“Oooooh. Friends to lovers. Hell yeah!” Aspen shouts.
“What?”
“You know, in, like, romance novels.”
I sigh. “I don’t read romance, Aspen.”
His hands rest behind his head as he closes his eyes. “You should. Everyone should. I’ve learned so much reading them. If more teenagers read romance instead of whatever bullshit they read in school nowadays, we would have a shit-ton more respectful people.”
I clap slowly and dramatically. “Aspen West has grown up.”
He tosses a throw pillow my way. “Anyway. So you’re only friends?”
I nod.
“Why?” Oliver asks.
Because I’m damaged goods, and she has suffered through enough? Because I bring pain and hurt everywhere I go, and she doesn’t deserve that?
“Well, I don’t know. I don’t know if she’s actually ready to date and I…I don’t have much to offer her.”
“Oh, please,” Daisy mentions. “You’re a catch!”
“I agree,” Mateo adds.
“She has two kids and a late husband, and she doesn’t need one more broken thing in her life.”
“Oh, no, no, no. We’re not doing this,” Daisy says, sitting up straighter. “Would you tell that to Oliver if he dated again? That he’s broken?”
I shake my head.
“Would you tell that to her, your secret girl?”
“Natalie,” I whisper.
“Oh, I like that,” Daisy adds. “Well, would you tell Natalie that?”
I shake my head again.
“Then you sure as hell won’t say it about yourself. You’re not broken. A little sad, yes, but not broken.”
That’s where Daisy’s wrong. I am broken. I’m not a little sad. I’m really sad. All the time. Except when I’m around Natalie. She spreads her light like the Florida sun.
“You’re thinking about her, right?” I look at Mateo, who asks knowingly.
“A woman who makes you smile like that is worth chasing. And you, my friend, are worth loving.”
“You know, son, I don’t know if you’re still blaming yourself for what happened, and judging by the look on your face now, you are, but I’m here to tell you it wasn’t your fault, and you do deserve good things,” Joe adds.
Tears threaten to fill my eyes, so I take a sip of the drink to drown them.
“Accidents happen. It wasn’t your fault. Do you hear me?” Joe asks again. I don’t know how many times he has said it to me through the years, but the words don’t settle in my brain. They don’t go through, they don’t stick. Because it was.
If they hadn’t gone out to see me, they wouldn’t have been on the road. If I had left the arena with them, maybe we would not have made it to the bridge at the same time as the asshole drunk driver. If I would’ve been with them, they would be here. So yeah, it’s my fault.
But they don’t deserve to carry my load too, so I hide the truth behind a nod.
“So if you’re interested, and she seems interested in you too, you should totally give it a shot. Take it slow. Baby steps, you know?”
Maybe that’s all I need to do right now. Baby steps.
“What’s different about her that has you even considering dating?
” Liam asks. He’s been quiet this whole time, the only one who truly knows what the dark place I was in looked like.
He’s the one who had to physically drag me out of my house, the one who helped put me back together.
I owe him my life. He’s the only one who knows about Jerry too. They don’t.
I struggle with what to say. I truly believe she was heaven-sent, either as a gift or as a penance. The only words that leave my lips are the ones I know to be true. “She’s light.”
“Oh boy,” Aspen whispers. “He’s a goner, ladies, babies, kids, pets, and gents.”
Chuckles and eyerolls fill the space.
“You can be light too. And if that’s what’s making you smile like that lately, then I’m glad you found her,” Liam adds, and I nod. The room moves on from the topic, and I’m thankful. They’re all now talking about who knows what as I finish my drink and think about possibilities.
I’m drained.
I’m done being interrogated. I don’t want to talk about anything else, so I stay silent and listen to them continue to joke and chat about life. Joe takes the girls home, and we stay longer as I soak it all in. My friends. My family. This life that I apparently want to share with Natalie too.
I don’t know what to do with that realization.