Chapter 19 Call Us Mommy, Now
CALL US MOMMY, NOW
How Do I Do This? By Kelsea Ballerini
Natalie
“Are you excited about your trip today?” I ask Bella about the water park she’s attending with her summer camp.
I would have given a lot to experience things like that as a teenager, but my parents didn’t let me.
They were so worried I would do drugs or get pregnant before marriage, they kept me on a tight leash.
I still found ways around their strict rules, though—case and point with the sweet girl sitting in the back seat.
“Meh.”
“Oh no.” I lower the volume.
“Mom, don’t start. It’s fine.”
“What’s wrong? You were so excited before.”
She stays silent.
“Bella?”
She sighs, throwing her head back. “I swear, if you make a big deal out of this, I’m never telling you anything again.”
Okay, Natalie, act cool. Remember how much you wish your parents had an open mind when you were her age. Don’t freak out.
“I don’t want people to see me in a bathing suit.”
Well, that’s not what I was expecting. “Elaborate, please.”
“Well, Rowenna and Tina were both talking about how good they looked in their bathing suits and all this other stuff, and then they were making fun of girls without boobs or butts like them and how they look like boys…and, well, I don’t have either of those things.
I look like a little boy with long hair. ”
Oh, sweets. “First of all, no, you don’t. You look like a girl, which is what you are. Everyone develops and grows at a different rate, so what if you don’t have boobs yet? Bras are overrated, trust me.”
“Easy for you to say. You’re beautiful, and you have, like, the best body. I’m cut like Dad, all straight lines and no curves in sight.”
I’ve worked all my life to love my curves, so hearing her say she thinks I’m beautiful, that I have the best body, is honestly surprising. It also makes me proud of all the work I’ve put into not saying negative things about my body in front of them.
I’m in between those sizes where I’m too big for regular clothes but somehow too small for plus-size ones.
I have to choose between having jeans that fit my ass and I can’t zip, or jeans I can zip but are baggy on me.
I’m tall and too wide for boutique dresses, but when I go to Maurice’s or anything like that, I don’t have rolls or curves to fit them properly. It’s exhausting.
But I’ve made it my life’s mission to make sure they know my body is beautiful and powerful. It gave me two healthy, beautiful kids. It has been through hell and back, and it is still going. That is beautiful, but that doesn’t mean I’m not insecure sometimes.
“Honey, you are so beautiful, and your body is perfect the way it is. You’re comparing a child to a woman’s body, and that’s not fair. It’s really not fair to compare anyone to anyone, because we’re all different and special in our own way.”
I make a turn into the YMCA’s parking lot, but I park instead of heading to drop off. I can’t let her go like this.
Unbuckling, I turn, softening my expression when I see her skeptical face. “We all grow at different rates. And your friends—”
“They’re not my friends. They were talking behind my back,” she interrupts.
“Were they talking behind your back, or were they just not talking to you?”
She rolls her eyes.
“I’ll take that as they were not talking to you.”
The sigh she lets out could make me laugh, but I hold it in. I don’t want her not to trust me. When she was little, I read something like if you don’t listen to kids when they tell you the little things, they won’t come back to you with the bigger things.
This, in the grand scheme of things, is not a huge thing, but it is for her. In her world, two girls who I think she wants to be friends with were talking about other people’s bodies, and she lumped herself into that.
“What I am going to say is that no matter what you look like or what your body looks like, you deserve to enjoy your time at a water park. All it takes for you to have a bikini body,” I say with air quotes, “is to have a body and a bikini. If you have both, then you’re ready.
” I squeezed her hand gently. “It’s not nice to talk about others’ bodies, whether they look similar or very different from us.
That’s something I’ve learned through life. ”
“But they were right.”
“About what?”
“That girls without a butt and boobs look like little girls and not like women.”
“My love, you’re not a woman yet.”
She sighs.
“Yet. You will be one day, but not yet. Besides, there are plenty of women with small breasts or no breasts at all. Women with smaller butts and with bigger butts. It doesn’t matter. All bodies are beautiful, okay?”
“I don’t even have my period yet,” she mutters.
“Girl, be thankful for that. Once you get your period, there’s no going back, and you have to deal with that once a month for the rest of your life. Trust me, enjoy it while you don’t have it.”
She closes her eyes and whispers something inaudible.
“I know you think I’m a superhero or whatever, but I don’t have supersonic hearing.”
“I said fine.”
“Go have fun, my girl. School is back in a couple of weeks, and you won’t have the chance to do this again for a while.”
“Okay.”
“Do you want me to walk you up there and go have a talk with Rowenna and Tina about talking about other girls behind their backs?"
“No.”
“We’re all in this together, and there’s already so many things we have to fight against; each other shouldn’t be one of them.”
“Mom, please, no.”
“I can, though.”
She gets out of the van. “Have a good day, love you!” she shouts. I touch my nose with my index finger and point at her, our little hello and goodbye gesture, and she repeats it with a smile. I wait until she gets in and immediately text the girls before driving home.
Me:
SOS
Cara:
What?
Allie:
Nat
Roe:
What?
I should’ve known texting them something like that would have them spiraling, and I should’ve considered that now that I’m driving and can’t reply. I should’ve also considered they have zero chill, and now they’re group chat calling.
I answer, Allie’s voice filling the space now that she’s on speakerphone. “Are you okay?”
“I am. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“You scared the sparkles out of me, Natalie Rose,” Cara adds. She’s been saying that since we were kids, and I love that she hasn’t dropped it.
“I wasn’t even awake, but your spiral woke me up.”
“I am not spiraling,” I quickly mention.
“Then why the SOS?”
“Well, I think I’m going on a date.”
Their screeches are hard to bear. What in the world?
“With the bookstore hottie?”
I sigh. “Yes.”
“Okay, details. We need details,” Allie says.
“I’m almost home, can I videochat from there? Because I don’t even know what to wear. I don’t own dating clothes. Hell, I haven’t been on a date for years, and the one and only person I’ve ever dated, I married, and then he died and I—”
“Breathe, Nat,” someone says, but I don’t know who. Spiral and all. “Get home and call us back. We’re here.”
I hang up and continue my drive home, trying to get out of my head, but it’s impossible. The never-ending questions, the possibilities, the fears—all of it is too much. I’m close to messaging Holden and telling him not to come.
But it’s not a date, right?
“Okay, shoot!” Cara shouts from the other end of the line while I stand in front of my mirror.
“I don’t know. I hate it.” I turn to show them the high-waisted jeans with the spaghetti strap top, which somehow is too short and too big for me to feel confident.
“Change. You look hot, but we don’t need hot. We need confident. You’re hot all the time, but I need you to feel like it too,” Cara adds.
I get out of my clothes while I try to tune in to what they’re saying, but it’s too hard. Between struggling to slide the jeans off my thighs and grabbing a denim skirt that I love but that I have to ride the struggle bus to get it over my ass and then to button it, I’m overstimulated.
“So when were you going to tell us you were going on a date?” Roe asks at the same time as I hop once, twice, while pulling the skirt up with the belt loops and letting out an exasperated breath.
“Well,” I sigh. “I didn’t know it was a date. I still don’t. We spend a lot of time together. I mean, he was here yesterday, helping me paint the living room.”
They gasp. “He was in your house?”
“Yup. He was here fixing the porch a few weeks ago.” I change from the black top to a beige one that molds to my body, tucking it into the black denim skirt and adding a green cardigan. It’s hot as hell, but fashion over comfort.
“Is he a handyman?” Allie asks.
"No,” I shout, bending over and sliding my socks on to put my tennis shoes covered in bookish doodles I got from a boutique last time I was in Magnolia Springs. “His dad I think was, but he actually owns a therapy center. Remember, we talked about it? Healing Pals? But he’s—”
I stop talking when I see all their mouths open wide once I slide into view. “What?”
“Damn,” Roe mentions.
“You look doubly hot,” Cara says.
I look at myself in the mirror. I do like this outfit. It enhances my curves, and I feel both sexy and beautiful in it. The color combination also makes my freckles and hair pop, and I love both of those things.
“Your eyes look extra light too,” Allie adds, and the color tinting my cheeks darkens with all their compliments.
“Thank you.”
“Don’t be acting all shy. You look so good. How do you feel?”
I sigh. “Good, I think? I don’t know. I don’t want to look too much into it, but I also kind of want to look good. Not for him, but for me.”
“You look it,” Roe adds.
“How are you feeling about the date in general?” Allie, with all the tenderness in the world, asks. Her husband was Nick’s best friend, so the year before he passed, we spent the most time together.
“I don’t know if it’s a date.”
“Let’s pretend it is,” Allie adds.
Nervous, excited, like I’m gonna throw up? “I don’t know.”
I add lipstick and a dash of mascara while I listen to them talk about how not knowing is okay and how I don’t have to make any decisions. I just have to try to enjoy myself out there. They’re not wrong, but I still feel a certain type of way.
“It feels like I might betray him,” I finally admit—not only to them but to myself, too. I don’t think I’ve ever put it into words, but that’s exactly it. It feels like if I do this, if I go out with someone else, I’m not staying true to us. To what we were.
“Oh, honey,” Cara whispers. “You’re not betraying him, Natalie. You gave Nick everything you had for years, and you made each other so happy. Look at everything you built together.”
“We’re not saying go out there and marry the next guy you date, but I’m saying put yourself out there. Share that beautiful laugh, that incredible brain, that amazing heart with others. The world will be a better place, I promise,” Allie adds.
“And your body. Share your kickass body too,” Roe comments.
“He wanted you to be happy. That’s it.”
“I am happy, and I do share all those things with you all and the girls.” I blink away the tears, wiping them as they silently fall over my cheeks.
“Is it the same, though? Aren’t you lonely?” Allie asks.
Yes.
“No,” I reply. My hands rest on my hips as I take a seat and then cover my face. “Yes.”
“Okay, then just give it a try. If you’re not feeling it, that’s alright. Call us, and we’ll come get you, okay? We’re always here, no matter what.”
“This sounds like the same conversation I had with Bella this morning.”
“Because we’re your moms right now,” Cara adds jokingly.
“Call us mommy.”
“Roe!” we shout in unison, and she raises her hands in defeat. I don’t know what else to say, but it doesn’t matter, because the doorbell rings, filling the silence.
“Ooop! Okay, go have fun! Don’t overthink it. Call us afterward, okay?” Allie says.
I nod. “Bye. Love you all.”
“Love you!” they shout back before I hang up and head to the front door. Passing the freshly painted living room makes me feel good, like I can do hard things and try new things too.
Okay. I can do this. Cool, calm, and collected. I open the door, and be still my heart. Holden is standing on the other side, and I must not be imagining this after all, because, damn.
This is definitely a date.