Chapter 44 I Promise #2
“You don’t have to. I’m glad I can help. I’m glad I bring joy. God, I would give what I don’t have, Natalie, to take your pain away, but I can’t. I can’t do that, but I can try to lighten the load. I can try to make things better and to find joy with you all.”
I kiss the top of her head again.
“Like you’ve brought me joy.” My fingers graze her soft strands, memorizing the feel of her on me.
“I had lost hope, you know? I had lost all hope that my life would ever feel whole again after losing Mom and Liz. And then you came along, with your sunset hair and the best little family, and you gave it to me again. You, Bella, and Vero all gave me the hope I once lost, and all I can wish for is that I do the same for you.”
She sucks in a breath, holding my face between her hands, pretty eyes locked in mine.
“My little hope,” I add before leaning forward and kissing the tears falling down her round cheeks. I kiss each one, taking them with me and putting them in my heart, not taking for granted how much she has let me in these past few months, but especially tonight.
“I love you,” I whisper against her cheeks and her lips.
And then, we get lost in each other. We kiss for what feels like hours and seconds at a time.
Then, I just hold her. I hold her until her breathing changes, and I know she’s asleep.
I don’t want to intrude and walk to her room, so I just lay her on the couch and drape a blanket over her, kissing her forehead and letting myself out.
I start to drive away, but then I see it—the swing. It looks so empty and quiet, just hanging there on that powerful tree. I follow the rope up, to the branch holding it, and holy shit, there’s a little cardinal roosting there. Their guardian angel.
Before I can change my mind, I step out of the car and walk up to the swing.
There’s not a breeze tonight, so it doesn’t move.
It just hangs there, like my life was between mom and Liz, and now, content, but not happy, not like I am now.
I hold the rope, letting out a breath and offering it the recognition I didn’t before when I fixed it.
I didn't know how important it was to all of them until now.
I sit, softly swinging back and forth, thinking about everything Natalie just shared with me. “I don’t know that I know how to do this, so you’re going to have to forgive me,” I say to no one in particular. Who am I talking to? The stars? God? Fate? The cardinal? Nick?
All of them, I decide.
“It sucks that we’re in this situation, huh?
Not because I love those three girls. No, that would never be an issue.
More like because in order for that to happen, there had to be space in their hearts—a giant hole with the name Nick Bradshaw on it.
Judging by how they talk about you, you were the best everything.
The best dad, friend, husband, man. I realize now I don’t even know how you died. ”
I let out a loud breath, but not even that spooks the cardinal quietly sleeping right above me. I’m losing it.
“I don’t need to know how to know it was a surprise, and you took a piece of all of them with you.
Not your fault, I know. That’s not what I mean.
What do I actually mean? I’m not sure. But she said they all talk to you here, right?
So here I am, letting you know what I notice.
They do miss you, big time, but they have kept living a beautiful full life.
I’m sure, without even knowing you, that’s what you would have wanted for them.
I would think that’s what my mom would want for me too.
Are you together? Somewhere? Did you both decide to get in kahoots and play fate and cross our paths?
Could you tell I needed them in my life?
If you didn’t, well, now you know. Natalie, Bella, and Vero gave my life meaning again.
And that’s a lot to put on them, I realize, but it goes beyond that.
I never knew it could feel like this, you know?
To love someone, to share your ups and downs with them, the way it feels with her.
But you knew that. You knew she was special, and you loved her like she was.
How lucky for them to know a love like that, huh?
It doesn’t happen often. It’s rare and magical and unique. ”
I kick my feet, balancing on the swing while the branch quietly creaks. The cardinal is still asleep.
“I believe that even though your time on Earth wasn’t as long as it should’ve been, the epic love story you had was one for the ages.
We have so much to learn from it, and I really hope Natalie keeps telling me more about you.
Bella said we would’ve been friends, and that was a big compliment.
She wants me to call her Izzy at practice and Bella everywhere else.
It gets hard, but I’m happy to do hard things for them.
And Vero, I know you didn’t meet her, but man, she’s precious.
She’s perfect. She works so hard, and I see it every time I hang out with her.
She calls me Holen, or Play instead of Clay sometimes if she’s around Bella, and I secretly love it.
I don’t want her to even know how to say my name; I will gladly be Holen to her forever. ”
I rake my hand through my hair, staring at the bird.
“I could talk about them all night. I could talk about how precious they are and how thankful and lucky I am that I get to spend time with them. I don’t take it for granted, and I hope you know that.
I know, I know, I’m not even half the man you were, and I know I don’t bring parents who are present or a big family they can be a part of, but I do bring friends who will love them as much or even more than they love me.
I bring patience, love, and priority, and I will make them all mine.
I guess I’m here to say thank you for putting them in my path.
Thank you for sharing them with me. I know their hearts are big enough for both of us, and I will never try to replace you.
I will live every day, week, month, year, loving them while learning about you and loving you through them.
I hope you can see how much I mean it. How much they mean to me. ”
I walk around the swing to my car, but I turn back to it one last time and say, “I will make it my life’s mission to make them happy. I promise.” The last word is not completely out of my lips when the tiny cardinal startles and then flies away, leaving me breathless.
A soft breeze brushes my face, as if I needed more confirmation they heard me—that he heard me. I take this moment to close my eyes and whisper, “I promise” for good measure.