Chapter 30 #2
But… why is he here? And how long for? I can’t give in to this high of happiness, this emotional sugar rush. I need to understand what is happening.
‘Did Rosie call you? Or Moira?’ I ask, as he moves into the kitchen. He’s soaked through, his T-shirt clinging to his torso in a way that reminds me of how much I want this man, as well as love him. It takes all my willpower to not fly into his arms.
He frowns, looking confused. ‘No. Nobody called me. I needed to see you.’
‘Oh. Why? We said our goodbyes, Brody.’
I sound tougher than I feel, and he looks slightly taken aback.
‘We did, and it sucked. I just… look, Kate, I owe you an apology, okay? You’re the best damn thing in my life, and I ran from you. I was hiding behind the past because I was scared of the future. None of it was your fault. It was all on me – because when you told me you loved me? I was terrified.’
‘I know that,’ I reply quietly. ‘You didn’t do a very good job of hiding it. And that’s okay… Brody, we’ve talked about all of this, haven’t we? There’s no need to hash it over again, or apologise! You’re free. You can go, with my blessing!’
He stalks towards me, stops a step away at the sight of my arms folded across my chest, the wary look on my face. He reaches out, strokes a strand of hair away from my cheek.
‘I never explained why I was terrified, though,’ he says, his bright blue eyes intense.
‘I was terrified because I feel the same way. I love you, Kate, with all my heart. You’ve brought me back to life, and I was a fool for ever thinking about leaving you.
I know this is complicated. I know I’m a mess.
But I’m yours, one hundred per cent. I don’t want your blessing to leave – I want your blessing to stay.
To stay, and to love you, and to try and make this work. ’
Even that gentle touch of his fingers against my skin makes me yearn for him.
I want to let him hold me, kiss me, take away the pain and uncertainty.
I want to believe him, I really do – but I need to be sure.
I need to know that he means what he says, that he is here for the right reasons. I could not survive another blow.
I hate the hurt I see in his eyes as I walk away from him and place myself on the other side of the table. I can’t think straight while he is touching me, and I need to think straight. Not just for my sake, but for his, and for the baby’s. I need to take a few minutes.
‘Have I made a mistake?’ he says, his voice low and controlled, the way it is when he’s trying not to appear threatening. He keeps his distance, for the same reason I suspect. ‘If I’ve got this wrong, Kate, then just say so. I’ll leave right now and you’ll never see me again.’
The thought of that almost breaks me, but I can’t base this decision purely on need.
‘I don’t know, Brody,’ I tell him honestly. ‘I… I’m not sure. Why are you here? What… what do you want from this, from us?’
I sound shrill and scared, and grab hold of the table top to steady myself. This man is everything I’ve ever wanted, and he is here offering himself to me – but is he doing it for the right motives? I have to be positive.
He sees my distress, and gestures to the chairs. ‘That’s okay, Kate. I get that. I’ve messed with your mind. Sit down, and I’ll tell you again why I’m here. You want a brandy?’
‘No. Thank you. Maybe a glass of milk?’
He raises an eyebrow, but goes to the fridge to get me one. He even warms it up in the microwave first, and I know he’s giving me the time to settle myself.
He sits opposite me and passes me my drink. ‘You look pale,’ he says. ‘Has your head been okay?’
‘Not especially, but not because of the concussion if that’s what you mean. So. You were going to explain…’
He nods, and runs his hands through his damp hair. He sucks in a deep breath, then looks back up at me.
‘Okay. So, first of all, I love you, Kate. I said I wasn’t ready for that, and maybe I was right – but maybe I was just hiding from reality.
The truth is, since the first day I met you, I started to change.
I started to open up, to feel again. It wasn’t just sex.
It was never just sex. It was you. Us. I’ve been fighting it, because I’m an idiot.
I was all set to go. I got halfway down the damn tunnel to the plane, and realised I couldn’t leave you.
My bags are all in Chicago, I guess, but I’m here – for you.
And yeah, before you ask, I rehearsed some of that on the cab ride here, but I mean it, every single word.
I love you, and I want to be with you. Wherever that is, for as long as you’ll have me. ’
I place the glass down with trembling hands. I look at his battered, beautiful face, and see the sincerity in his eyes. The tortured expression that tells me I’m not reacting the way he hoped. My silence stretches, and he eventually stands, scraping his chair back loudly.
‘Okay,’ he says sadly. ‘I get it. I messed things up. It’s too late. I’ll go.’
He starts to walk towards the door, and I finally shake myself out of my paralysis. ‘Brody!’ I cry. ‘No! Don’t go, please!’
He turns around, and I run into his arms. He catches me, holds me tight, kisses away the tears that are flowing down my cheeks. I cling on to him desperately, our bodies so close we’re like one person.
‘Hey, it’s okay,’ he says, whispering into my ear, stroking my back, crushing me even more securely against him. ‘I’m not going anywhere. I’m here for as long as you want me, Kate. I’m all yours.’
I pull away slightly, and place my hands on his cheeks. I kiss him once, solidly, and reply: ‘I’ll always want you, Brody. I love you. But I also need to tell you something.’
Confusion flickers across his face, and I wonder what he is expecting. Probably not the next words that come out of my mouth.
‘I know I promised you this wouldn’t happen. And I genuinely thought it couldn’t – I didn’t do it on purpose, I swear!’
He keeps my hands in his. ‘It’s all right. Whatever it is, we’ll deal with it together. The two of us.’
I squeeze his fingers, and bite my lip before I speak. What if he’s angry? What if he’s upset? What if he feels like I tricked him?
‘Well, that’s the thing, Brody,’ I murmur, unable to meet his eyes, suddenly awash with nerves. ‘It isn’t just the two of us any more. It’s… it’s the three of us. I found out when I was in hospital, but I didn’t want to pressure you. I was going to tell you when you were back home.’
He blinks once, twice, a small frown between his brows as he absorbs the information.
‘You’re pregnant?’ he asks. His tone is perfectly neutral.
I nod. ‘Yes. I am. I never planned this, Brody, honestly. And I would never have used it to make you stay. But I’m having this baby. I completely understand if this is too much to handle. If you want to turn around right now, I wouldn’t blame you.’
Now he looks even more confused. ‘What the hell, Kate? Why would you say that? I came back here to tell you I love you – that I want to stay here with you, make this work. Then you tell me you’re carrying my child, and give me permission to leave? That’s messed up.’
He doesn’t sound angry, just bewildered. This is a lot, I know. I’ve had days to get used to this idea, and I can’t expect him to process it in a microsecond.
‘I know it is,’ I tell him, ‘I’m… well, I am messed up, I suppose. I thought you were gone, Brody. I thought I’d be doing this on my own. I couldn’t stand the thought of you only staying out of a sense of duty. Now I don’t know what to think!’
My lips begin to tremble, and I start to come undone. It’s been so very hard, the last few days – a concussion, the baby news, Brody leaving. Me having to come to terms with my uncertain future.
He takes hold of my shoulders, and pulls me back into his arms. I sob into his chest, all of the worry and tension flooding out of me. He soothes me, murmuring loving words and kissing my hair and telling me everything is going to be all right.
‘I’m here, Kate,’ he says. ‘And I’m not going anywhere, okay?
I came back because I love you, not because of a sense of duty.
I love you, and I love this baby, and I already love the life we’re going to build together, right here in Bonnie Bay, where we can look at puffins and visit the bookshop whenever we want. ’
I look up at him, searching for any sign of a lie in his eyes, his voice, his body language. I find none. All I find is love, and reassurance, and strength.
‘You’re sure?’ I murmur. ‘I know it’s a lot… definitely more than you expected when we made this agreement…’
‘I’m sure,’ he says firmly, stroking my tears away from my cheeks.
‘I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.
I want this, Kate – I want you, and our baby, and our future.
I want Shannon to have a little brother or sister, and I want to see you be the amazing mom I know you will be, and I want to be a dad who’s actually there for his kid. I promise you, I want it.’
I finally start to believe him. I finally start to relax into his arms.
I finally accept that I made my leap of faith – and landed exactly where I was meant to be.