Chapter 22
COVEY
“Do you think two people can stay friends after they break up?”
“Covey.” Leo sighs. “It’s way too early for this kind of philosophical question.”
I go back to my warm-up routine, using my foam roller to massage my hamstrings and break up some of the stiffness that’s settled in my muscles.
After sixteen shows, my body is getting a bit stiff.
I’m not the only one here early, spending a bit more time loosening up tight spots and getting ready to start the day.
“Are you thinking of breaking up with that good-looking teacher?”
“How did you…”
“I saw him when he came with the kids.”
Shows how much I was paying attention that day. All I remember is being surrounded by Aidan and his students. Honestly, I wouldn’t be able to tell you a single other company member who went out to the lobby.
“Oh, is that the one you are fake dating?” Maddox asks, inserting himself into our conversation.
“It’s complicated.”
Leo wrinkles his nose at my statement. “I hate that phrase. That’s not an actual status. Or special. All relationships are complicated, even friendships.” He gives me a pointed look as he bends over his leg to stretch.
“We’ve kind of been fake dating.” I give Maddox a pointed look.
“Is this another one of your generation’s phrases that I don’t understand?”
“No.” At least I don’t think so. “We’ve been pretending to be in a relationship to make my family happy.”
“But you’re not dating?”
“No.” It hurts a bit to say that. I’ve come to realize how much of a role Aidan plays in my life. I always told people that our relationship was special, that even after months without speaking, we could pick up right where we left off.
Now, I can see so much of what makes us Aidan and Covey. We’ve not only found a way back to our friendship, but it’s become something more. I only wish I had the words to describe what that more is exactly.
“And what does fake dating entail exactly?”
“We hang out and get to know each other. Go to family events together.” I leave out the whole friends-with-benefits thing. That part’s private.
“That sounds suspiciously like dating.”
“That’s what I said,” Maddox adds as he digs through his ridiculous bag.
Now that they mention it, from the outside, it looks that way, especially if you add in the benefits part.
“Yeah, but without the romance and feelings?” Even as I say the words, they sound wrong. I like a lot of people, make friends easily, but none of them ever come close to the way I feel about Aidan.
“Are you sure about that?” Maddox asks.
“Um…” That’s a tricky question to answer. I think back over the few relationships I’ve had. Most of them were fleeting, at best, and I never once had the same feelings about them that I do for Aidan.
I’ve been telling myself that it’s because we have a decades-long friendship behind us, but maybe it’s more than that.
I examine Leo for a minute. We’re friends.
Sure, our friendship doesn’t have the same years on it.
We’ve run across each other before. We spent a few years together in Europe.
He was in the company while I was still in pre-professional training, but we were close enough in age to run in some of the same circles.
Now that we’re in the same place again, we’ve developed a pretty good rapport, warming up together and chatting at the studio, with the occasional trip to a coffee shop.
Do I feel the same about Leo?
Finally, a question that’s easy to answer. No, it’s not even close. “Aidan’s special,” I say, realizing I’m not even sure what the question was.
“I see.”
“Oh? Want to enlighten me?” Please? Because right now I’m in over my head.
“Covey,” Leo says, exasperated. “I can’t solve this one for you, but if you’re describing someone as special, you might want to ask yourself why.”
“He’s incredible.” I don’t feel like that requires any extra explanation. It’s self-explanatory, but also impossible to describe. He’s the one who balances me out. Makes me brave.
“Not why Aidan’s special, but why he’s special to you.”
“I—he…” Shit.
“I’ll let you work on that one for a bit.”
I go through the rest of my warm-up routine purely through muscle memory. By the time we’re called to the barre, my muscles are warm, but my brain is frozen in place, trying to solve the same problem.
The rest of the morning is on autopilot for me. I get more corrections than I’ve gotten in years in the first hour, before our dance teacher seems to give up and decide that’s all he’s going to get from me today, and leaves me to my errors while he focuses on others.
I pack up my stuff, wondering when I can see Aidan again. Everything always makes more sense when he’s standing in front of me, another fact I should probably think about a little more deeply. It’s like his magic power. Covey calming.
“Come on,” Leo says, grabbing my free arm and dragging me out of the studio.
“Where are we going?” Not that it matters, but I have serious plans this afternoon that involve my couch and a nap.
“Coffee.”
Since I don’t drink coffee, the elaborate menu at The Mighty Moose Café is completely wasted on me.
They do have a good tea selection, which is helpful since they’re right across the street from the studio and I end up here often.
I think I’m probably the only person in the company who doesn’t drink coffee.
Leo, on the other hand, seems all-in on the options. While the barista punches in my order for large mint tea, Leo leans on the counter, examining the chalkboard with drawings of the holiday specials. “Is the candy cane mocha the same as a peppermint mocha?”
I shudder to think of the amount of sugar in something like that.
“It’s similar, but we make a special candy cane syrup for it, instead of the usual peppermint.”
Leo seems unsure about it still, returning his gaze to the board.
“It’s good, but if you don’t like it, I can make you something else. Free of charge.” The guy behind the counter peers at us through thick glasses.
“Okay, I’ll take one of those. If you say it’s good, I’ll trust you.
” Leo gives the guy a little wink, then turns to grab us a table.
It’s too bad because he misses the way the barista’s cheeks pink up at the compliment.
I pay, since I’m the one seeking advice, and join Leo at a table in the corner.
We must look ridiculous here, still mostly dressed for class, but with our warmups pulled on. If anyone notices, they don’t seem too concerned. We talk about class for a few minutes, commenting on some of the combinations we did in the center, until my name is called to grab our drinks.
“Your mind’s been churning all morning. What have you figured out?” Leo asks once we’re settled.
“I-I think I want a real relationship with Aidan.” It’s such a relief to say it, to put a voice to everything that’s been running through my mind, to all the emotions that have been swirling through me the last few weeks.
My shoulders drop, and the tension I didn’t know I was carrying seems to ease.
“You think?” he asks, taking the lid off his cup and taking a tentative sip. “Oh, that’s good.”
“No.” I shake my head. “I know.”
“So, what are you going to do about it?”
And isn’t that the million-dollar question?
“If I tell him, it could make things weird. He might decide he doesn’t feel comfortable being my friend, knowing I have a crush on him.
” That’s the part I’m willing to say aloud.
If he turned me down, I’m pretty sure I would shatter into a million little pieces, scattered around, and impossible to put back together.
There’d be no getting over him. As much as I wouldn’t want to lose him as a friend, knowing he’d never return my feelings would slowly break me.
“And if you don’t, you might miss out on the best thing to ever happen to you.”
“Aidan’s already the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” I whisper.
I didn’t realize that until now. It’s always been him since that first day of kindergarten.
He always claims that I saved him because I’m the one who kicked off our friendship and kept him from being the shy kid that faded into obscurity.
The truth is that Aidan’s the one who’s kept me afloat this whole time. When other kids bullied me for taking ballet, Aidan defended me. When I told my parents I was gay, Aidan held my hand. Whenever I was scared to take the next leap, to move away, Aidan was my life preserver.
What would my life be like without him? Well, I certainly wouldn’t be sitting in a café, drinking tea between professional dance classes. That part I know for sure.
“I think you should tell him that.” Leo leans back in his seat and savors his mocha, as though he’s solved all my problems.
Maybe he has. It’s such a stupidly simple decision. I know it’s the right one, but there’s so much fear swirling through me about what will happen when I do.
Will he reject me?
Will he want to be just friends?
Will he say that he wants me, too?
“How did you get so wise?” Leo is only three years older than I am. There’s no way he has so much more life experience that he should be providing sage advice.
He turns and looks back toward the counter for a second. “It’s all the sweet coffee. You miss out on the wisdom by drinking tea.”
I’m not sure I buy that, but I’m willing to let it go.
We sit in silence for a few minutes, sipping our drinks and people watching.
It might be a Thursday, but the streets are busy.
Lots of college students are home for the holiday, shopping, and catching up with old friends.
Others are out doing their gift shopping, hoping they won’t get caught by their loved ones.
“We need to get back.” Leo tugs my arm, pulling me back to the present. He’s right. We’ve got a rehearsal to get to with the children’s company who are performing with us this weekend. “You’ve got planning to do.”
“What?” I’m afraid my daydreaming made me miss a whole discussion.
“On how you are going to woo the man of your dreams.”
“Woo? Seriously? Woo.”
“Try it first, then make fun of me.”