Chapter 13 #2
“I know it’s crazy; trust me, I’ve been fighting with it since then.
Trying to make sense of it.” It isn’t crazy.
That was precisely how she was feeling. “I don’t want a copout answer, but I fear this world without you.
” He finally looked up at her, and she found the air to breathe. “I also think I have a fear of Illyan.”
Azahara smiled, shook her head, and bit gently at her bottom lip.
“Gods.” His hand rested at the contours of her jaw and, like he had that night, placed his thumb at her bottom lip. “Stop that.” His hand moved through her hair and cupped the back of her head.
Her beating heart was loud in the quiet night, and she would swear she could hear his running just as fast. “Sorry—” she said breathlessly, almost doing it again but instead pressed her lips together.
His lip quirked up briefly, and he kissed her forehead. “I’m a weak Elf. It isn’t your fault.” Letting her head go, he put his arm over her shoulders and held her to him. “My turn?”
Azahara happily leaned into him. “Yeah, your turn.” She was nervous, and rightfully so.
“I have so many.”
“What’s my favorite color?” she quipped.
He shook his head. “It’s green.” Azahara leaned outward from him and pierced him with her unyielding gaze.
“How? I never told you—”
“You didn’t need to.” Her lips parted, ready to protest. “I can tell because you pick up the green pillow on the couch before the brown one. You favor the green books on the shelves, placing them at eye level.” He spoke matter-of-fact.
“You choose the white flowers over the reds and yellows because the green pops out more in their stems. You look to the ground before you do the sky because you like the grass more than the clouds. I don’t need you to tell me what I see. ”
How is it that I could fall any harder? Her heart was stuck in her throat, threatening to steal her breath and give it to him.
“You love the moon over the sun. It gives you energy, and you are happier when it’s out.” Her eyes burned. “Your favorite drink is lemon water with peppermint leaves. Your favorite fruit is strawberries because while you eat the other fruits in the bowl, you save them for last.”
Kaed wore a bittersweet smile. “Your greatest fear is living.” Her eyes widened, and the burning in her eyes turned to tears. “So, my question is, why is that your fear, Azahara?”
She blinked, and the tears that had welled up in her eyes spilled down her cheeks. There was so much to process in his words. Above all, the realization struck her that he had been observing her all along. Throughout their time together, he had never stopped truly seeing her.
Her mind raced through the memories of the past few days. Every time she cast her gaze upon him, he was already there, looking at her. In the moments when she turned away, she could sense his eyes, a constant, watchful presence, always looking out for her.
“Because…” He leaned in and kissed her tears.
“I’ve wanted to die for so long that life has replaced the feeling of death.
” He hesitated at her second cheek. “I haven’t lived my life in so, so many years.
It was taken away from me, along with every choice I could make for a happy life.
Living is scarier than death, and I have yearned for its embrace for too long. ”
She could feel him trembling, and that fear he had just shared with her, he may have just then realized how close it could come to be.
Kaed kissed her other cheek, his hand releasing hers and wrapping around her back. “I don’t want to cry,” she said through bated breath. “I’ve cried so much already.” His hand was gentle as it stroked across her back.
“It’s okay to cry, Aza.” He gently rubbed at her back.
She took a deep breath and wiped away her tears. A cold, icy sensation constricted her throat, making each breath painful. Her body felt as though it might shatter into a million fragments. The anxiety, a familiar companion, tightened its grip.
“I’ve cried for hundreds of years,” she admitted, her voice trembling with nerves, “and I’m just so tired.”
It took a moment for him to understand, and while he heard her, the concept of her words wasn’t registering. It was written all over his face. His back pierced, straightening, as if someone was putting a knife on him.
“What…” He fumbled with his words and slowly inched her back from him, “Did you say—“
“Kaed, I’m over five hundred years old.” While most would have laughed at her so-called joke, with the Elf knowing her truth, he knew it was just that.
There was condemnation on his face. What are you thinking… The pain that was lacing his expression was creeping into her heart. She had outright lied to him, and while most would not blink an eye about lying about something as simple as age, it made a significant impact here.
After several beats passed in utter silence, she pulled away entirely from him, and stood.
“Where are you going?” he asked, quickly getting to his feet and charging back towards her. She stayed at a steady pace ahead of him.
“Away from the ledge, I may jump from it with the silence.”
“Don’t say that.” He quickened his step to grab her wrist just as they touched solid ground again. “Stop!”
“Why? You see how you reacted to just one piece of a thousand-piece puzzle.”
“I’m just processing—doesn’t mean anything, and I don’t want you to walk away from me. Don’t”—he pulled her closer—“walk away from me, please, Azahara.”
The feeling of instant regret for saying anything crept into her. “Even if I told you everything right here, right now, it wouldn’t change anything.”
“I don’t accept that,” Kaed replied gently, offering her the choice to pull away if she wished. She hesitated for a moment, considering her options, before finally relaxing her shoulders.
“What makes you think you have a choice?” She turned away from him, her gaze fixed on something in the distance. Tension hung heavily between them, deeper and more pronounced than any they had experienced in the days prior. Neither of them seemed willing to yield.
“You have a choice, Aza, whether to tell me. My choice will be to continue to fight for answers or not.” His voice was harsh, angry.
As you should be. Hate me. “Gods, you are infuriating.” He released her then and threw his hands up.
“How can someone who claims to have lived for five hundred years be…”
“So na?ve?” Her lip twitched, and her nostrils flared.
“Yes!” His eyes blazed.
Azahara carried in her eyes a deep sense of damage and fury.
The brokenness was evident in her physical grimace.
Her lips pulled into a snarl. “I am na?ve; that’ll happen when your body has lived for five centuries, but your mind has only known barely a fraction of them.
” Her chest rose and fell quickly, her hands trembling.
His face nearly immediately softened.
“I’m not angry with you, but you should be with me,” she confessed, her voice filled with remorse.
“I lied to you, and I will continue to lie to you because I cannot break free from this.” Her hands moved to her chest, her fingers indicating her heart.
“Nothing of me belongs to me. Time, my heart, my choices, my memories, nothing. How can I give you anything that isn’t mine to give?
” She took an unsteady breath, her voice breaking.
“I see you trying to find a way to fix me. I’m not fixable, Kaed. I’m not even broken. I’m... nothing.”
The weight of her confession hung heavily in the air, a profound moment of vulnerability between them. She swallowed, her throat feeling like the sand in an hourglass.
Kaed stood there staring at her.
“Who did this to you—” She saw his jaw clench, and anger once again wrapped him in its fury.
She shook her head. “I can’t.”
How quickly he was in front of her, chest against hers, startled her. “Shit—” She went to step back, but his hand grabbed the back of her head.
“Who.” She felt breathless. “Did this.” Her body betraying her as the heat rose to her face. “To you?” There was nothing she could do to back him down.
“Tell him,” a different voice rang in her head. One that she had never heard or remembered hearing before. “You can protect him.”
She trembled at the image of his throat being slashed.
“Calm your heart. He will be safe.” This had to be a trap, a means to end him quicker. “Your pain is inconceivable. Allow him to heal you.”
“A god.” Kaed didn’t release her but looked between her eyes, searching for the lie.
“He cursed me nearly five hundred years ago.” His breathing was uneven as his grip began to release her head.
“To live eternity but to forget every year I live, and for my memory to return to the day he cursed me.” She stepped away from him, finally finding air in her lungs.
“An infatuated god and a helpless human.”
“What does he want?” he asked, his tone indicating that he already had a good idea of the answer.
“Me,” she replied with a defiant shrug, her expression resolute. “I denied him. I denied a god.” A bitter, humorless laugh escaped her. “Now...” She noticed the pain in his eyes and wondered if he was wrestling with the same thoughts. “How do we defy a god’s will, Kaed? Tell me how we’ll fix it.”
It was an unfair question, and she knew it. There was no easy answer, and she had nearly given up on finding one.
“I don’t know, but...” His quick transition to the “but” caused a small smile to tug at her lips. There was always a “but”.
“You obviously believe there is a way to defy him,” he remarked.
She narrowed her eyes, her body tense. “I don’t—”
He cut her off. “But you do. Or you wouldn’t be here with me.”
She contemplated his words, but she couldn’t understand what he was getting at. “I tried for so many years to—”
“No, that isn’t what I’m saying. If you truly felt deep down that there was no way out, you would have given yourself to him already.”
A profound revelation seemed to wash over her, saturating her to the core.
It was as if the weight that had burdened her since the beginning of this life, a force akin to gravity, trying to pull her away from this realm, had suddenly shifted.
Her eyes widened, her mouth slightly parted, as his words resonated with every emotion she had experienced while repeatedly writing those words in her journal: “He may wait for eternity, but I refuse to be his.”
Her knees crumbled, but before her body even felt the fall coming, Kaed was there to catch her. “I can’t say I’ve fought a god,” he admitted, wrapping his arms around her and lifting her off the ground, “but there’s a first time for everything.”
“Kaed...” She nestled her arms around his neck, hiding her face in the crook.
Every instinct urged her to push him away, to shield him from the perceived danger she thought she posed.
Yet, she couldn’t bring herself to do it.
As much as Kaed would become her ultimate source of strength, he would also be her profound vulnerability.
“Let me spell it out for you since you are young.” His voice barely a whisper in her ear.
“I’ll be with you forever. Whether it’s fighting by your side, guarding your back, or guiding you when you’re lost.” She tilted her head back, resting her forehead against his.
“Without you, I’m afraid my heart will cease to beat. So, I no longer have a choice.”
At that moment, she came to a realization: she had been wrong. Perhaps deep down, she had always known that she would defy Goddrick.
Despite the uncertainties that loomed ahead and the multitude of unresolved details, this moment marked a significant first step.
While a lingering doubt still gnawed at her, she chose to place her trust in the enigmatic voice that promised reassurance and safety.
Yet, the pressing question persisted: How can I keep him safe?
She was determined to find a way.
Azahara tilted her head upward, their lips almost touching. “I’m going to kiss you,” he whispered, his eyes locked onto hers before returning to her lips. “Stop me now.”
She didn’t, and he pressed his intoxicating lips against hers. It was tender, unlike the passionate encounter on the couch. This kiss was filled with something deeper, beyond mere passion and lust. She closed her eyes, surrendering to the connection they shared.
There was hate that lined her innermost thoughts. Hate at herself for feeling that this kind of happiness wouldn’t last forever.
Almost as much as she hated the piercing pain that now ripped through her.