Chapter 37
Matteo
It’s the big day. My unofficial graduation day. And my prize, I’m going home.
I admit it. I’m proud. Of all the things I’ve accomplished in my life, of this I’m very proud. I’ve worked so hard to get sober and stay that way. And now the tools are in place to stay the course. I’m never going back there. Ever.
What do they say about famous last words? Nah. I’ve got this.
Glancing at my watch, I realize Anthony should be here any moment to pick me up. I’ve been here for ninety days, and I’m not looking to spend a moment longer here than necessary. I’m full of a nervous energy I can’t contain.
This is different than what I’d had a month ago. That was more about dealing with the idle time on my hands. Filling my days with healthy things that would allow me to deal with stressors in a constructive way. Not idly wasting my time looking at a phone.
I’d had such a hard time handing it off to Anthony when I arrived here. Now I’m not sure I want the fucker back. It’s been freeing to be unburdened by life outside of these walls. Well, except for worrying about her.
But I am ready to regain my life. One where I continue to practice a healthy routine to keep me headed in the right direction. Regardless of what life, or Vincenzo, throws my way. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I can do this. The excitement for my future is bubbling under the surface as if I’ve shaken a bottle of seltzer water.
I’m under no delusions this will be easy. Temptation is everywhere. I’ve formed years of bad habits, medicating my stress with alcohol. However, I now have a sponsor, my family and friends, and those fucking fireball candies to lean on. I chuckle.
My eyes briefly connect with the television in the dayroom. I’ve never spent much time watching TV. I’d always prefer a book to a movie. But hell, I’ll watch a sappy romance with Sydney seven days a week if that makes her happy. Okay, maybe I’ll ask for one night off for good behavior.
Squinting, I attempt to read the bright yellow ticker tape rolling across the screen. I feel like I’ve been so closed off from the world while I’ve been here. Armageddon could’ve broken out, and I wouldn’t have a clue.
Breaking news. Local doctor involved in a fatal car crash.
My stomach free falls, my feet frozen in place. I internally try to reassure myself not to immediately go there, but nausea roils within me. Come on, it can’t be her. I mean, how many doctors are there in the Richmond area? It could be any—
Hanover surgeon, Sydney Cunningham, was involved in a fatal car accident earlier today. Sources tell us she was killed on impact when another vehicle illegally crossed an intersection, striking the vehicle she was riding in. The driver of the other vehicle fled the scene of the accident. They have not been identified at this time.
Dr. Cunningham has worked with St. Luke’s Hospital for the last four years. Upon interviews with hospital employees on duty the morning of the accident, we’ve learned she didn’t appear to be feeling well and was leaving work early for the day in an Uber just before the accident occurred. There’s no word yet on whether her health may have contributed to her outcome…
The newscaster’s voice fades into the background as I fall to my knees. I open my mouth to scream, yet no sound escapes. It’s as if my voice has left my body. There’s no air. I clutch my chest. The walls feel like they are closing in on me.
How? How could I have finally made it to this point, gotten control of my demons, only to have her taken away from me? Is this karma for what I put her through?
Tears pour from my eyes. My body shakes. This is worse than any alcohol withdrawal. But no fluids or medication will take this pain away. I can’t live without her. Looking up to the sky, as if pleading with God, I silently beg. If she isn’t here, take me with her. This life isn’t worth living without her.
But why would he answer me now? I’ve turned my back on God since my mother’s passing, and Antonia’s horrific circumstances. Our mother insisted we go to church with her each Sunday. And we did. Until she was practically bedridden by her depression. But her death had me questioning the existence of God. And Antonia’s abduction only reaffirmed my anger. Once Vincenzo made his threats against my sister and wife known, I spent more Sundays drunk than in church.
Yet despite this, I quietly plead. It makes no rational sense. She’s gone, but I’m not beyond begging for the impossible. I’m sure God is laughing down at me now. Knowing I’ve done nothing to deserve his help. But beggars can’t be choosers. Hell, my life has turned into a Jelly Roll song. I’m asking God to give me one more chance. Grant me some sort of miracle, because I just can’t lose her.
If she isn’t here, I need to find a way to be with her.
But I couldn’t protect her. I don’t deserve to join her in heaven. Because there’s no doubt that’s where she’d be. There’d be no better angel among them than my girl.
No. I deserve to burn in the fiery depths of hell. I killed her as surely as if I’d struck her with that car myself. Because no one will ever make me believe this was an accident. She was targeted. My wife is dead.
Because of me.
I lured her into my world. Someone as good and kind as Sydney didn’t stand a chance against my father’s venom. Who could be so evil they’d murder an innocent woman to inflict pain on their own child? If I manage to end it all, I’ll be waiting at the gates of hell for him. If I couldn’t destroy him here, I will have my day.
Pulling at my hair, my mind races. I’ve witnessed multiple clients getting high while here. Even in a place like this. I swear I think the staff sells the stuff to the highest bidder. I’d almost wondered if it was a ploy to keep them here longer. Dependent on this clinic.
If I can’t get enough to end this all while I’m here, I’ll do it when I get home. Because the last thing I need is to be clean and sober to face each day without Sydney. Knowing she’s gone because of me.
Not even vengeance will be enough to want to face another day.