Chapter 22
Twenty-Two
Ella
“To the library!” Anna cried, leaping off my bed. “Whoa.”
I grabbed her arm as she swayed, her eyes going glassy for a moment. “Hey, you okay?”
“Yeah.” There was less exuberance. “That was weird. Just stood up too fast, I think. I feel fine now. Thanks.”
“Can’t have the all-important Ice Tyrantess fainting in my room,” I said. “Wait for the hallway. Then I won’t get in trouble from Caz.”
Anna stuck her tongue out at me and made a noise. “I’m not that important.”
Milly, moving with much more controlled purpose, shook her head. “Did or did not Caz leave you in charge of the entire kingdom while he and the others went off to fight?”
I clenched my teeth against the knots in my stomach. Dirk was among those “others.” An attack this major, and it sounded big, would require an equal response from the Ice Kingdom. Otherwise, the Reds would think they had free rein of us.
That didn’t mean I had to like it. Dirk and I had just agreed to try to figure out a way forward, and now he was off throwing himself into the face of danger while I was left behind.
If you would stop hiding and come out, we could have joined them. We could be fighting too. Making a difference.
My dragon ignored the comment like she ignored everything.
“It’s not as important as it sounds,” Anna said, waving off Milly’s comment about her being in charge. “I’m not actually able to do anything. It’s just an honorary thing.”
“It didn’t sound like it,” I said as Anna pulled open the door. “It sounded like—”
“What’s this?”
I stared at the object taped to my doorway.
“Is that a flower?” Milly asked, her voice rising in pitch with her excitement. “Could it be from Dirk?”
“Dirk’s not here,” I pointed out, going for the door.
Anna beat me to it, pulling the long-stemmed flower down and handing it to me. “There’s a love letter attached,” she whispered loudly.
“I see that.” I was still admiring the flower and it’s beautiful pinkish-purple petals.
“Well, what does it say?”
“It says ‘Private, for Ella’s eyes only. Do not share with anyone. Including nosy friends like Anna and Milly,’” I joked, earning me a pair of eyerolls.
I turned the card over.
The orbstar spreading its petals marks the coming of a new day. Much like my thoughts of you when I awake. —Dirk
Butterflies danced in my belly as I read the letter again. And again. It was short and directly to the point. It was just like Dirk.
Anna snatched the card from my hand and read it aloud.
“Oh my goodness, that is adorable,” Milly said, wrapping me in a hug, careful to avoid poking me with the slave collar. “And he arranged for it to be delivered here, even though he isn’t. Now that’s thought.”
“Caz has never gotten me flowers,” Anna said in a tone that implied that might change, though she was smiling at me the entire time she said it.
“Score one for Dirk,” Milly said, nodding. “See, he’s trying.”
“I know.” I bit my lip, holding back the smile.
Maybe there was a chance this could work out after all.
I hadn’t given Dirk any instructions or ideas, and this was what he had come up with as his first attempt. It was a lovely start. I had to give him that.
“Now, off to the library to see if we can learn more about us,” Anna said as I reread the little note again, taking a deep whiff of the flower. It instantly transported me to the mountainside meadow where the orbstar grew. I could smell the sunshine and the fresh breeze and the rocky air.
Putting the flower in a cup of water and making a note to ask for a vase, I hurried after the girls, following Anna’s directions to the private library of the tyrants.
“Look at this place.” Milly pushed her way in first, gaping at the rich brellwood everything.
Floors, stairs, walls, railings, tables, everything was made from the most prized wood in Hollow Earth. Oh, and the bookshelves. All of them. And there were a lot.
The room was oval with the entrance at one of the narrow ends. The bookshelves swooped out and away to our left and right, swinging ladders ready and waiting to help access the upper shelves. The bookcases towered over us, easily twice my height.
A second row of shelves mirrored the walls, creating a hallway effect that curved around the perimeter of the room. They were stuffed with more books, though not quite as high.
Right ahead, thick wooden steps led up to a balcony area, where one could sit and read at several tables, or in the thick, plush chairs that lined the exterior railings in between the shoulder-height curved bookcases that ran the perimeter.
“This is amazing,” I whispered, afraid to speak too loudly.
High overhead, the ceiling tapered into a dome. Intricately painted scenes played out, with dragons and men and other creatures all intertwined. I was sure it had a story, a focal point, but there was simply too much to take in for me to pay it full attention.
“The section on history of the kingdom is over here. I already asked Caz about it,” Anna said, heading down to the right.
I followed, running a hand over the ladder. Would anyone be mad if I hopped on it and slid across the library?
“Where do we start?” I asked, starting to feel overwhelmed at the size of the task before us. There were a lot of books.
“I asked Caz that too. He suggested one of us start here, at the most recent. Another there, in the middle, and one of us gets the oldest books. They go all the way back to the Unification Wars.”
After a moment of contemplation at the enormity of the task we’d set before ourselves, we did what we always did. Divide and conquer.
“Milly, you take the most recent. I doubt there will be anything in it since we know Clippys go back a long way. I’ll take the ancient stuff. I like to read. Anna, you go the middle because you can jump around the best, go forward and back.”
“Grounded.”
I arched an eyebrow at my bestie. “Huh?”
“We’re Grounded, Ella. Not Clippys,” Anna said in a quiet but firm tone, looking me in the eyes. “If we want to change things, we have to be a part of that change.”
I stared back at her.
“Damn,” Milly said into the vacuum, clapping me on the shoulder. “She’s good at this leader stuff. Isn’t she? All right, Grounded it is.”
“I didn’t mean to be mean,” Anna added. “But it’s important to me.”
“You weren’t.” I smiled at her. “I’ll do my best, for you.”
“Thanks. Now, your plan is good. Even if I think you gave yourself the oldest stuff just so you can climb up the ladder.”
“Whatever do you mean?” I giggled, already halfway down the row to the nearest ladder.
Anna snorted loudly enough for everyone to hear, but we all got down to work, loading up on books and making our way to the tables on the raised center platform. There we stayed, reading.
I didn’t notice the hours passing. The books I was reading were millennia old. The Unification Wars were ancient history, back when the ice dragons had been a fractured, independent bunch ruled by clans or nobody at all.
Until the coming of the first tyrant. Radek had risen to power, stronger than his contemporaries, and unified several clans by force. From there, he had spread his power outward over the snow-covered lands that would one day become the Ice Kingdom.
So engrossed was I in the varied tellings of his rise to power that I didn’t hear the approaching of footsteps until there was motion in front of me.
“Delivery,” Durion announced, setting another flower wrapped in soft paper in front of me, a card tucked inside the wrapping. It had large petals a soft blue that was shot through with white streaks. “For you, or so I was told.”
The girls ooohed and looked over expectantly, waiting for me to read it.
“Thank you,” I said, wondering how they had known where to find me. “Who brought it to you?”
Durion had been left behind to guard us, along with Kolar. I knew that Dirk and Caz both were distrustful of many others after the attack on the chalet, and though both men were disappointed to be left behind, they took their tasks to guard us seriously.
“They didn’t give a name,” he said, but his eyes twinkled mischievously.
Just how much has Dirk planned out with this? Are Durion and Kolar both in on it?
I knew I wasn’t going to get anything more out of him, so I thanked him and sent him on his way. While he left, I rotated the card with one hand, turning it in circles but never flipping it over.
“Aren’t you going to read it?” Milly asked at last. “I’m getting bored waiting. I could turn into a Pure Dragon before you get around to it.”
Anna giggled, but I had to force a smile as I flipped it over at last.
Why wasn’t I enjoying this? It was exactly what I’d asked Dirk to do. So why was I hesitating?
You’re scared. If he tries this hard, you’re going to have to reciprocate.
And I didn’t know if I could. Dirk didn’t deserve to be led on.
I read the line out loud to save time. “This one might be odd. I know not many consider the mountain goldstem to be overly beautiful, but that’s not why I chose it.
The goldstem is the first flower to return after a fire, feeding off the ashes to rise up anew.
I picked it because my mother used to bring them to me when I was a child because I thought they were cool. ” —Dirk
“Mentioning a memory of his childhood and his mother?” Milly gasped. “Ella, he’s trying hard. That is thoughtful.”
“I know.” And it was. But my stomach was twisting around itself.
“He’s putting the effort in,” Anna agreed.
I could sense both friends glancing at one another as I stared at the card. Probably wondering why I wasn’t mooning over him and his flower messages like they were.
How could I explain to them everything that was happening? If I told them, they would understand. Maybe they could help.
The words were right there. Right before I met you, I was captured by a Hunter and—
“Sorry,” Durion said, interrupting as he returned. “These were waiting for me.”
He carried with him a small bouquet of brilliant yellow flowers. Lilliads. I knew it because I could smell them a mile away. They were gorgeous to look at and smell.
To nobody’s surprise, there was another card.
The lilliads are renowned for their smell when they first blossom. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy the thought of you. —Dirk
“I’m never going to get anything done at this rate,” I said as Anna finished reading the card out loud.
“El.” Milly’s voice was hard.
I looked over at her, my eyebrow raised.
“This is a wonderful gesture by Dirk,” she said bluntly. “I’m disappointed in you. You’re being rude. And petty.”
I sighed, the callout stinging more because I knew it was true. I was trying to shut down my emotions, to distance myself from it.
Milly wasn’t taking it. “You asked him to do this. You need to give him a chance.”
“That’s the problem,” I said quietly. “I don’t know if I can. If I lead him on and then can’t? He doesn’t deserve that.”
“You don’t know you can’t. You two are fated. Yes, his marks are there,” Milly said, bursting through my argument. “But your dragon had to like it for it to happen. Stop acting like he did this consciously and willingly.”
I couldn’t deny that, recalling the way she had preened for him.
“It’s not that easy,” I protested, looking to Anna for help, but she was just sitting there silently, not taking sides.
“Yes, it is,” Milly said. “It’s not like he bit you or took advantage of you. Is he really that bad?”
“It’s not him!” I shouted, standing up as unwanted memories came to the surface. “It’s me. Okay? I’m the problem. It’s me.”
“Do you want to tell us about it?” Anna asked, speaking up at last.
“No.”
Shame filled me. I wasn’t strong enough. Not for my friends, or Dirk, and most definitely not for myself.
Rushing from the library, I ran back to my room, where yet more flowers awaited me on the door. I snatched them up and ran inside, tossing them on a table without bothering to read the note. I was sure it was lovely, but I couldn’t. Not now.
I flopped face-first into the bed with a frustrated cry. I knew Dirk was being a sweetheart. I could see that he was trying, that he meant well, and that he was sorry for what he’d done. I knew all that. I truly did.
So why was it so damn hard to open up and talk to him? Or even about him?
What would I say? That his kind stole from me, removed any chance I could love someone like him. Ever?
How do you tell your fated mate that you can’t be with them because on the inside there’s only emptiness?