Chapter 41
KAT
Christmas this year is different.
Is it because we now have new family members to replace those we’ve lost?
Mum has invited everyone to join us. Leah’s parents, Di and Julian, April’s foster mum and dad, and Louise, Pen’s mum.
Sarah and Tim, April’s biological mother and stepfather, are arriving with their children for New Year’s.
The idea of shipping all of Lois and Nick’s Christmas presents down was too much.
I miss Harper.
My little sister loves Christmas. She’d put on Christmas shows growing up, I’d play the piano, while she’d sing and dance.
Not to mention her job as chief present distributor.
She’d clamber under the tree in her PJs, handing out all the presents.
When she was little, Elijah and I would help her with the name tags.
This year, she’s been invited to spend it with Mum’s friend and her grumpy son, AKA Harper’s boss.
It’s still too risky for her to come home.
We video called earlier when I arrived, and I have to admit, she looks well.
Probably better than she has in a while.
But then they say a change is as good as a rest. In Harper’s case, it seems true.
“You’re quiet,” Mum says, taking a seat on the sofa next to me.
The little body snuggled against my chest wiggles, but settles back down.
“Enjoying the peace and quiet,” I say with a smile. “It’s been a manic month.”
“But productive?”
“Always.”
“Your father would be so proud. He loved this time of year at the hotels. Crazy, he’d say, but electric.”
Her tone is wistful. I don’t know how she does it. She and Dad were a team, but despite losing him in such a tragic way, she’s soldiered on, rebuilt her life.
“But he would also say, you need a balance. He would never forgo the holidays. Spending time with the family.”
Here it comes.
“You need to create a balance, Kathryn.” I turn my head, and she holds up a hand when I open my mouth.
“I’m worried about you. After everything that has come out this year.
It’s like you’ve buried your feelings. I didn’t push you that night.
I understand the need to process your feelings better than most. But, my darling, there’s more to life than FHG, but you aren’t going to uncover it stuck in an office, or the hotel twenty-four-seven. ”
I turn away and drop a kiss on Callum’s sleeping head. He smiles in his sleep and snuggles closer.
He asked to climb on my knee almost as soon as I arrived. My little buddy.
Leah is enormous with the twins, but she’s made it to her final trimester, which is a bonus, so I was only too happy to oblige.
“I know this might seem hard to believe, but I’m happy, Mum. I love my job,” I say. “As for Zach and his affair…”
I can’t bring myself to say Darra’s name.
It still turns my stomach to think of them together in our space.
Not because I loved him. I’ve realised now that what I felt for Zach wasn’t love, it was more sisterly, a companionship.
It’s more because of the smug feeling Darra would have felt. That it gave her power over me, us.
“People have affairs all the time. I’m not entirely blameless. After Dad passed.”
I swallow past the lump in my throat.
Mum must sense it as she places a hand on my arm and squeezes.
Our eyes meet.
“After Dad passed, I was too busy trying to establish myself. I just wanted to prove I was the right person to take the FHG forward and could keep the business running. When I look back, I was never home. Despite when their affair started, Zach would have probably strayed, and I can’t blame him for that.
By the end, we were more roommates than lovers. ”
“That’s no excuse. Zach should have left if he wanted to carry on with someone else. Been man enough.”
“Maybe, but sometimes life isn’t as cut and dried as we would like.”
She gives my arm another squeeze before letting it go.
“It’s a mother’s prerogative to worry about her children.”
I smile.
“Of course it is. And you have always been an amazing mum.”
“I have tried. I know I haven’t always got it right.”
“Sadly, life doesn’t come with a dress rehearsal, it’s a one-take only, there are no do-overs. All we can do is use the information that’s available to us at the time.”
Mum inclines her head.
“Ah, you’re talking about Jaxson,” I say.
My head turns sharply, shifting my body. Callum grumbles, so I shift him slightly, rubbing soothing circles on his back.
She offers me a sly smile.
“You think I didn’t know about you and Jaxson? Oh, Kathryn, I’m your mother, and the feelings you had for one another were plain to anyone who saw you together.”
I open and close my mouth. Finally raising my eyebrows.
My brothers had no idea, thank heavens.
Mum’s smile widens. “Ah, but they weren’t looking,” she says, with a knowing smile.
I remain silent, not wanting to incriminate myself.
“I don’t know what happened between you,” Mum says, patting my arm. “Although I have my suspicions. But take it from me, Jaxson Lockwood is a good man, Kat.”
“How do you know that?” I ask, before I can stop myself.
“A mother’s intuition. Plus, Jaxson looks at you the same way your father used to look at me, even while you’ve been fighting.
” She sighs. “All I’ll say is, don’t let pride or work overshadow finding true happiness.
If losing your father taught me one thing, it’s to grasp life and enjoy every moment.
All the years I spent with your father, despite the heartbreak of losing him, I would not have chosen a different path, or changed a moment of the time we spent together. ”
I bite my lip, blinking rapidly.
“Jax and I are different. We’re working together now. The board would never go for it. They’d lose respect for me, everything I’ve worked for.”
“Kathryn Brooke Frazer, that’s total bull-shit,” she says, her face hardening.
“Firstly, you’ve run that company better than any of your predecessors, and secondly, no one should have control over your life but you.
It’s not like Jaxson’s a convicted criminal.
He’s a highly intelligent, self-made man who runs his own successful business. ”
I sigh.
“I know you’re right, but there’s a lot of history between us. I’m not sure we can get past it,” I admit.
“Your father and I didn’t start off on the best footing. I’m not sure you can when you’re forced to marry someone you barely know, but we opened ourselves up to the possibilities offered to us, and you know where that took us. You and Jaxson are no different.”
I drop my head onto Mum’s shoulder, and she wraps her arms around me, careful not to squash the still sleeping Callum.
“You don’t have to always be strong,” she whispers against my hair.
“I’m not sure I know how to be anything else. If I let go, what happens if it all comes crashing down and I can’t get back up again?” I admit quietly.
“And if it does? So what?” She cups my face, forcing me to meet her gaze.
“You have a family who loves you, who’ll help pick you up if you need them to.
” She pats my cheek. “Not that I think your life will crumble. You’re so like your father.
Industrious, disciplined and oh-so-focused.
” She smiles at me, her eyes glistening.
“He wasn’t always the easiest man to love, especially in the beginning.
He’d built so many walls around himself, but when he loved, he loved with his whole heart. I think you’re the same.”
I’ve never heard my mother speak of Dad in this way.
Her thumb rubs my cheek, and I realise she’s wiping away tears.
“But I loved him with my entire being, adored him. Because he was the other half of my soul, as I was his.”
“How do you do it? How do you go on?”
She gives me a watery smile.
“Because he gave me all of you. And now.” Her eyes drop to Callum.
“There is a new generation joining us. I know for a fact, he would’ve wanted to be here to spoil you all, and his grandchildren.
I’d be doing Robert a serious disservice if I didn’t appreciate everything I’ve been given, when it was stolen from him. ”
I bite my lip and close my eyes, swallowing past the painful lump that has formed in my throat.
The doorbell sounds.
Mum’s eyes sparkle, and she runs a finger under each of my eyes.
“Take a minute and think about everything I’ve said,” she says with a smile. “I’m going to greet our extended family.”
She gets up, giving my shoulder a squeeze before making her way to the door. She holds the handle and turns.
“Just to let you know, I’ve invited Jaxson for New Year,” she says, before turning on her heel to greet our guests.
I sink back into the sofa, staring down once more at the little boy snuggled in my lap.