Chapter 45 #2
“Why? I don’t think we have anything to say to one another.”
“Kat, don’t be like this, please. I just want to talk.”
One of the doors further down the corridor opens, and I remember where we are. The last thing my family needs is for me to be caught airing our dirty laundry in public.
I step back reluctantly and wait as Zach enters. In his defence, he doesn’t look smug. If he did, I may have been tempted to knee him in the balls.
He enters, keeping his distance.
“Take a seat and don’t touch anything. I’m going to put some clothes on.”
There’s no way I’m having a conversation with Zach, wrapped in a bathrobe.
I get dressed in record time, pulling on some leggings and a jumper, before scooping my damp hair into a top knot.
Zach is returning to the sofa when I get back.
“I thought I told you not to move,” I say.
“I was…” he says, shaking his head. “Never mind.”
He runs a hand through his hair.
I fold my arms over my chest.
“Say what you have to say and leave,” I snap, my patience running thin.
Him being here, in my space, makes my skin crawl. I left the apartment because of what he did, and I loved that place. Now he’s threatening to pollute my new home.
“I just wanted to see if you read my letter.”
“I did,” I say, my eyes never leaving his. “Quite the set of excuses you gave. Do you take responsibility for any of it?”
“I take responsibility for all of it,” he says, more firmly than I anticipate.
“I never meant to hurt you, Kat. When you finally agreed to be with me, I was over the moon. When Darra threatened to tell you everything, I didn’t know what to do.
I had to keep her quiet. She was going to ruin everything. ”
“Let me get this straight. You kept her quiet by fucking her in our bed?”
His eyes almost bulge out of his head.
“Yes, she told me,” I snap.
“It wasn’t like that.”
“What was it like then? Explain how you got naked with my brother’s wife, in our bed.”
He runs a hand down his face. Dark circles frame his eyes, and his skin holds a greyness it never has before.
“Darra used to bring Lottie over with the nanny, so I could see my daughter. The nanny would take her swimming.”
I let out a bark. “So, you and Darra got down and dirty while your daughter went swimming with the nanny? The lousy parent award goes to…”
Zach frowns, and I let out a hollow laugh.
“You literally just said, Darra brought Lottie over so you could spend time with her? Get your facts straight, Zach.” I stare at the man I once lived with, shared my life with.
“Actually, don’t bother. The pair of you make me sick. Thank God, Lottie has Elijah.”
Stomach acid rises, burning the back of my throat.
Whatever Zach sees on my face hardens him.
“Don’t be such a bitch. You act all high and mighty, Kat. But it’s not like you were ever around. Once you started working with your dad, there was no time for me. You became obsessed.”
“I may have been caught up in my job, but at least I was faithful,” I spit.
“In body maybe, but were you ever faithful in your mind? As I said in my letter. It was always him, the perfect Jaxson Lockwood. Did you think I didn’t know it was him you were imagining every time you let me fuck you?”
“You’re delusional,” I hiss.
“Am I? I’d hoped that when you let me be your plus-one, you’d see me as more, but I was only ever the safe option. Admit it. You were married to your job. I was the handy partner who was there to have dinner ready on the table and to keep your bed warm. Not that you ever wanted that.”
“I…”
Zach shakes his head sadly. “The thing is, I know you aren’t frigid, Kat. I knew that years before we got together. I came home and heard you and Jax going at it, in his bed, when you thought we were all away. It was a risky move by both of you.”
He sighs.
“Do you know how hard it is living with someone, and knowing you can’t take them to those heights, however hard you try? That every time you try to make love to them, they’re wishing it was somebody else moving above them.”
I avert my gaze and swallow repeatedly.
“Why?” I ask quietly.
“Why what? Why did I lie? Why did I help Darra?”
“All of it,” I say, my eyes finally meeting his.
“Jealousy. I’d fancied you for ages, but Eli warned me off.
He and Jax got closer over the years, leaving me on the outside looking in.
Both handsome, successful, ready to take on the world, then there was me.
” He expels a loud breath. “When I found out about you and Jax, I was pissed. How did he get to have you when I was told you were off limits?”
“But Darra? I’m one thing, but your best friend’s girlfriend?”
He squeezes his temples as he grimaces. “Darra kind of just happened. I did try to do the right thing by Lottie. As for Darra, she knew how I felt about you and promised to help me if I stayed quiet.”
“You overheard what Jax said to me.”
It’s not a question, as I already know the answer.
“I did. It was perfect.”
There’s a hint of pride in his voice that makes me want to vomit.
“So, you decided to what? Split us up, take me for yourself?”
He shrugs, and my hands ball into fists.
“It worked, didn’t it?”
“Did it?” I hiss. “You just said yourself, I never got over losing Jax.”
His shoulders slump, and he becomes unnaturally still.
He inhales before closing and reopening his eyes.
“You’re right.” His eyes move to his hands.
Hands that are clasped together in his lap.
“As I said in my letter, you never looked at me the way you looked at him. However much I thought I could step into his shoes, it didn’t take me long to realise I was never going to replace Jaxson in your heart. ”
I pinch the bridge of my nose, pressure building behind my eyes.
“I’m sorry, Kat. If I could change it…”
“Would you?”
He looks up at me, and I see the truth in his eyes.
“No, probably not. I would have always wondered. I’m a selfish bastard. I wanted you, and took you when you were at a weak point, thought that would be enough. I hoped you could and would learn to love me. I’ve realised, however much you might want it to be different, love can’t be forced.”
I drop into one of the chairs opposite.
“I’m sorry too. If I’d known how you felt. I would never have asked you to be my plus-one.”
Zach gets up.
“But you didn’t. You were blind to my feelings. Your head had been completely turned by someone else.”
I can’t deny his words, so I remain silent.
“I’m going to go.” He inclines his head. “I am sorry, Kat.”
“Me too,” I say, the fight having left me.
He moves to the door, his hand resting on the handle.
“Jax was here earlier.”
My head shoots up. “When?”
“When you were getting changed.”
“And you’re only just telling me this now?”
Zach shrugs, and I notice the hardness that has returned to his eyes.
“I’m a selfish bastard, what more can I say?”
“Just go,” I say, a wave of exhaustion taking over.
“He doesn’t deserve you, you know.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Jax, he was never good enough for you. He still isn’t.”
“But you were? Zach, you really need to leave,” I say, trying to maintain some semblance of calm.
“I’m going,” he says before turning and staring at me. “He’s never going to be able to forget how you fucked and lived with me. It’s a man thing. He’ll always hate that.”
“But it didn’t bother you?”
He chuckles. “I won, you chose me.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. I never chose you.
You were convenient. As you pointed out, you were there at one of the lowest points in my life.
You took advantage of me, manipulated both me and the facts for your own gain.
For that, I will never forgive you. I may not have loved you the way you wanted, but when you look back, who’s to blame?
I was supposed to have been able to trust you. ”
Zach nods. “You’re right. But you can’t blame me for trying?”
“I can, and I do.” I stare him down. “Just go.”
He turns and lets himself out without another word.