CHAPTER 16
Murphy
Stretching my arm across the mattress, the sheets are cold under my touch. They shouldn’t be, though. Should they? Last night really happened.
Cracking an eye open, the Jesse-shaped indent on my bed is empty. The cabin suddenly feels like a trash compactor, closing in on me. He’s gone.
I knew it. Shit.
Groaning, I bury my face in my pillow. How could I have thought having a jerk session to gay porn with him was a good idea for any reason? Everything keeps going from bad to worse. It’s like someone threw me in a hole, handed me a shovel, and I can’t stop digging.
I touched his cock. What is wrong with me? Of course, he’s never going to look at me the same again.
Hauling myself out of bed takes effort. Tromping to the bathroom, my foggy brain scrambles for ways to salvage our friendship. Should I even try, or is it for the best that Jesse avoids me like I originally intended with my bitter horny plan last night?
Why do I hear a voice in my bathroom?
Jesse?
Who in the hell is he talking to?
Did he just say… he’s going to lick someone?
I swing the door open, but nothing could have prepared me for the bizarre fantasy before my eyes. Jesse—on his knees in my shower. Licking my wall dildo.
After I finish choking on the glob of lust in my throat that the sight produces, a wave of panic hits me. Does he not realize where that’s been? I mean, I cleaned it, but still…
His gaze slides to mine, going wide, and he jerks back. The sound of his head slamming into the shower wall makes me flinch.
“Ah, shit!” he gasps, wincing.
What in the ever-loving-hell is he doing?
“Um… good morning. I… I was just…”
One hand rubs the back of his head, the other I track as it covers the fly of his boxers. Correction—as it covers the bulge in his boxers. A bulge. Why is there a bulge?
Face bright red, he flashes me a sheepish grin and flicks a thumb at my dildo. I wait, but he seems to be as at a loss for words as I am.
A defeated sigh heaves from his lungs, and he shrugs. “I… wanted to see what it felt like.”
When I still don’t answer, he must think I need clarification. “To… be on the other end.”
I can’t move. Every neuron in my brain is trying to translate his confession.
Did he just say that he wants to know what it’s like to blow someone? How much scotch did I drink last night? I don’t trust myself to believe it, nor do I understand.
“Were you… licking my dick?”
I realize that’s both an accurate and poor choice of words, but I’m lucky I can even speak. Frowning, he shifts uncomfortably on his knees, his face burning a darker shade of crimson.
“Great. You’re going to give me shit about this forever, like the badger thing. Aren’t you?”
Planting his hand on the wall, he makes to get up. He’s embarrassed. Holy shit. He was serious. The evident fragility of the situation has me closing the distance. If he’s having curious thoughts, I sure as shit don’t want to humiliate him. I am, however, hyper-aware of my attraction at the moment.
I blame self-preservation for my casual tone. “You’re doing it wrong,” I inform him, stopping in the narrow doorway.
“What?” He blinks up at me, leaning back on his haunches.
It’s a lie. There is no wrong way to lick a dick. I’d take any kind of lick he’d give me, but I need to keep speaking so this discussion doesn’t expire.
Folding my arms, I lean against the frame of the shower door, hoping he doesn’t notice the way I’m trembling. “Use your lips while you lick, like you’re sucking on an ice cream cone.”
I’m blushing right along with him, but he eyes the dildo curiously. Chewing on his lower lip, a beat passes, but then he rises to his knees again.
Fucking hell. He’s going to do it. I’ll never get through this.
His mouth forms a small O like he’s preparing to blow bubbles. He brings it to the tip, his puckered lips pressing against it. Frowning, he draws back.
“It won’t fit,” he huffs. “This dick is too big.”
The one in my boxer briefs certainly is right now. His frustration over the lack of results is not the encouragement I need, and yet, I silently wish I’d shown him porn years ago if I’d known it would have this effect on him.
“I said an ice cream cone, not a Tootsie Pop.”
Shifting his gaze up to me, it’s a surreal sight to see him seeking my guidance about oral. He’s got that precious, vulnerable look in his eyes that always kills me.
Was it my porn last night or has he always been curious? How could he think that I’d laugh at him?
Clearing my throat, I soften my voice. “Relax your jaw and open your mouth wide. I’ve seen you shove sub sandwiches in it that are twice the size of this.”
He processes that for a moment, staring at my dildo like it’s an opponent, but then he wets his lips. Jaw dropping, his gaze flicks to mine and then back to the task at hand.
My lungs are on fire. It feels like an eternity watching him close the distance, but then the cockhead disappears inside his mouth.
Fuck. Me. Jesse Carver has a dick in his mouth.
He draws off, lapping at the underside awkwardly with his tongue. He does it again and again. Each time, he looks over at me like it’s a coin ride, and I’m supposed to let him know when his time’s up.
“Good,” I praise him softly, hoping it doesn’t sound as throaty as it did to my ears.
The corner of his mouth ticks up. I cannot handle the knowledge that my praise is well-received. It’s like giving me a box of matches at a gas spill.
Gripping the base hesitantly, he studies it for a moment, chewing his lip. “How do you… keep your teeth from…”
“Curl them over your lips.”
“Oh.” He nods, giving the dick a lazy stroke. “Man, it really feels real.” He laughs nervously.
“That’s… kind of the point.”
“Right. So, um, the deep throat thing we saw last night… is that what gay guys like?”
Shit. Me and my stupid mouth.
“Guys are guys, Jesse. It doesn’t matter what their orientation is. Personally, I think it’s about quality, not quantity. The guy will let you know what he likes.”
“How? Do you tell each other beforehand or something?” Pulling a face, he adds, “That seems a little business-like.”
I can’t take it. I want to drop to my knees and kiss his wet lips over whatever discovery he’s having. I want to tell him he doesn’t need to do this, that I’d give up oral just to have him in my arms.
Crowding into the stall, I shake my head.
“No. He’ll show you.” Nodding to the dick, I murmur encouragingly. “Start again.”
For a moment, I wonder if he’ll give up or tell me this was some kind of prank. He gives me a nod, though, and slowly wraps his lips around the tip again. Tilting his head, he does his melting-ice-cream-cone suckling thing again, drawing off several times and returning.
Stilling with his mouth in place, he looks up at me like he’s awaiting instruction. My brain is currently full of all kinds of helpful instructions.
I’m going to go to hell—bad, horny friend hell.
Reaching out, I cup his jaw and nod. “Good. Now, close your eyes.”
It’s the only way I’ll get through this. It’s the only way I won’t imagine what’s in his mouth isn’t mine, really mine.
“Do whatever feels good to you. The giver should enjoy it, too.”
Exhaling around the silicone, his jaw relaxes under my touch. His head moves, taking in another inch and then retreating. I can feel his cheek shift as his tongue moves and his mouth is filled.
Guiding him gently, I watch in fascination as his confidence builds. His slurping sounds are echoing off the shower walls, and I can’t keep from stroking his cheek with my thumb. He sighs around the dildo, leaning into my touch.
A bead of saliva falls from his chin, and he stiffens. Pulling off, he chuckles, reaching to wipe his chin with the back of his hand. “Sorry,” he says self-consciously.
I block his hand just before he connects. “No. Leave it.”
He looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. I probably have, but I explain, “It’s sexy. Imagine someone salivating for your cock like it’s a drug they’re craving.”
Glancing down at where the bead of slobber hit his bare stomach, he rubs his lips together and then gives a single nod. Expression determined, like a fighter entering a ring, he reclaims the dildo. This time, he takes more of it in and then works his way so close to the base that he removes his hand from around it to capture more.
Fuck. He’s motivated or determined. I don’t know which, and frankly, I don’t care.
Gagging, he retreats an inch. His eyes dart to mine like he wants to know if I witnessed his blunder.
“That’s good, too,” I rasp. “That sound. Imagine someone wanting to take so much of your cock that they’re gagging on it.”
Grunting, he pinches his eyes shut. I catch movement and notice that his hand is back to cupping his bulge, his grip tighter now. By all that’s holy. It’s turning him on.
Palming the back of his neck, I stroke the shell of his ear, guiding him back to the tip. Drawing my thumb across his chin, I swipe through his slobber and trace the circumference of his lips. I’ve never touched his mouth before. Doing so like this has me vibrating from head to toe.
His eyes flicker open, peering up at me. “Feel how messy you are? It’s hot as hell seeing a guy like this, his lips stretched around you, dripping because he wants you so badly.”
A soft sound rumbles in his throat, sounding a lot like a needy whimper as he closes his eyes like he’s trying to get his breathing under control. He’s so damn beautiful, I can’t take it.
Crowding the space, I inch closer to the dildo, my groin near the fake balls that are suctioned to my wall. I tell myself it’s a better angle to guide him, but I know it’s a lie. I’m jealous of a piece of silicone.
“This is the part where you should open your eyes. Let him know what you’re doing to him. Let him know that you really mean business.”
When his lids flicker open, his eyes look desperate, equal parts lost and aroused, like he’s drowning in lust and can’t decide whether to dive deeper or come up for air. I wait, frozen in fear. I don’t want to push him just as much as I don’t want him to stop.
Something in his gaze changes. It’s that stubborn, determined look of his I know all too well. Aw, fuck.
Moving forward, his head starts bobbing slowly at first, then with more vigor. He’s grunting and letting out little moans that have my cock tingling. Circling the back of his head, I’m practically petting him. I can hear myself panting along with him. When he dives deeper onto the dildo, his gaze locks straight ahead and he pauses with the dick halfway in his mouth.
Shit. My cock. He’s looking at my very erect cock that’s straining against the knit fabric of my boxer briefs.
Eyes slipping closed, a needy whimper leaves his throat, and he shoves forward, his nose brushing against my groin. “Yeah,” I rasp, letting my hand slide down to cup his throat. “Just like that.”
Another whimper. A groan. A grunt. His nose is like a battering ram to the place where my base meets my groin. Each time he slides forward, his chin brushes over the top of my dick. It’s practically spearing him in the throat. He has to notice. He has to know that his face is touching my cock, but he doesn’t seem to mind. I sure as hell don’t mind, stroking the cords in his neck and giving little nudges of my hips in time with his movements.
Drawing back to the tip, he breathes around it, eyes pinched closed, panting. He lets out a painful moan and grips himself through the fabric of his boxers. God, he’s a sight.
“Are you quitting on me?” My voice is so carnal, it doesn’t even sound like my own.
His glazed eyes open to mine as his nostrils flare around his harsh breathing. Something raw and hungry eclipses his gaze and he makes another thrust, halfway up the dick. Then another. This time, he grunts, impaling himself all the way to the base—all the way to my groin, his face buried in it. Fucking hell.
I can feel his hot breath against my skin. My precum has to be leaking through my shorts, kissing the underside of his jaw. Whimpering, his hand slips from the wall and clutches onto my calf. I’m going to come. I can’t take it anymore.
Drawing him off in one quick movement, I gasp right along with him. Falling back against the wall, I pinch the head of my cock through my shorts. Jesse sinks back into the opposite wall, panting, his head tilted back, and his eyes closed, doing the same.
What are we doing? What does this mean?
He lets out a cough, which turns into a chuckle. “That was, uh… intense.”
“Yeah,” I agree, rubbing my hand down my face for something to do.
“Thanks.”
“For what?”
Shrugging, he opens his eyes, a mischievous smirk on his face. “Well, now I won’t look like an ass if I try it out on a guy some time.”
A guy. Not me. Just… some guy.
I have no right to be jealous, no right to be angry, but with each second that passes, I feel like a pressure cooker. “A little cocky for a guy who goes to the titty bar on the regular, don’t you think?” I sulk, stepping out of the shower.
I listen to him stand as he scoffs. “I know I’m not a pro, but I mean, at least, now I have an idea of what to do.”
“So, you’re bi now or what?” I grump, washing my hands in the sink, refusing to look at him in the mirror.
“I don’t know. I know I’ve never considered it before, but clearly, I’ve been missing something. Look at Pete.”
“What about Pete?”
“Well, he’s older than me and he just found out that he’s bi. I know I’m thirty and never thought about it before, but stranger things have happened.”
I grunt. It’s all I can manage. I’ve just armed the world’s horniest man with oral knowledge. Someone kill me. Kill me now.
“What’s the matter?” he asks.
“Nothing.”
I move past him, which is difficult in the confined space. My cabin doesn’t feel like a sanctuary, however, seeing the rumpled sheets on both sides of my bed.
“Are you mad or something?” his voice follows me, right on my ass.
I need to get away from him. Except, the thought of getting away from him means he’ll be out there on the cruise ship, having free range to hundreds of horny gay men. And now, he knows how to suck them off. Someone punch some sense into me.
“Why would I be mad?” I sputter, grabbing a clean shirt out of the compartment over the bed.
“You won’t look at me.”
Sighing, I level my gaze at him when the shirt slides over my head. “There. I’m looking at you. Are we good now?”
Frowning, he studies me in all my bitchy glory. Why couldn’t he just freak out after last night and leave? Waking up to him having a dick epiphany was so much worse.
“Are you mad that I…”
“That you what?”
“That I blew your dildo?”
“Why would I be mad?” I snort like he’s being the ridiculous one.
“You are,” he gasps, pointing at me. “Why are you mad? You didn’t have to help me.”
“You’re being an idiot. I don’t care what you blow.” I do. I absolutely do, but I don’t say that, instead, tugging on a pair of gym shorts.
“Oh, my gosh. You’re going to go work out again. You are mad!”
“I’m not fucking mad!”
The unconvincing words are out before I can stop them. Eyes wide, his jaw drops. My face is burning. How much more mortification am I going to throw myself into headfirst?
“I don’t get it,” he stammers. “Do you think you’re the only person who can like cock? You said you thought I would freak out when you told me about yourself, but look at you. This is the opposite of supportive.”
“Oh, brother,” I grumble, brushing past him to fetch my tennis shoes and earbuds. “I don’t have a monopoly on cock. Maybe you’re just being annoying.”
“I am not! I’m trying to have a conversation about you not liking me liking cock.”
Can he fucking say ‘cock’ one more time? For fuck’s sake.
Holding my arms out wide, I explode. “Like all the cock you want. There’s a whole ship full of it here. Go talk to them about it and jerk off all over their bed and in their shower. Whatever it takes to give me some damn peace.”
“Fine!” he huffs. “I will.”
“Fine!” I retort like a child that needs the last word.
“Good,” he counters like that child’s best friend.
Stomping past me, he scoops up his nasty T-shirt, slips into his shoes, and grabs his shorts. I blink at him as he marches to the door. Is he at least going to put his freaking shorts on? This is my fault. Now, I’ve sent him out into Gaytoberfest in only his boxers.
Turning at the doorway, his face looks like he just sucked on a lemon. “Have fun being a dick at the gym.”
“Have fun being an annoying cockslut!”
The door slams behind him. I walk to the balcony, slide the door shut behind me, and then I scream.