42. Blake
BLAKE
Grady and I meandered back to Nolan, stopping at a diner for something to eat and spending a few hours there.
I felt kind of sorry for the waitress who was serving us, because we no doubt smelled like sweaty armpit, having spent five days in the forest. Sure, we bathed in the lake, but that’s not the same.
My hair is greasy; I need to shave my legs and pits.
I’m the messiest I’ve ever been, and I laughed myself silly as we drew out our meal playing Mad Libs and Heads Up on Grady’s phone.
When his battery died, we switched to mine and turned what was supposed to be a quick snack into a three-course meal.
We were still playing pretend, I guess, unwilling to fully return to reality.
When my phone buzzes with a message from Wily, my heart crumples into a little ball .
Shithead: Where are you? Can’t get Grady on his phone. Are you okay? Why aren’t you home yet?
“What is it?” Grady sits forward, his dark eyebrows dipping in concern.
I sigh and spin my device to face him.
He reads the screen and slumps back in his seat. “Shit. We better go.”
“Yeah.” I nod, forcing my eyes away from him. I don’t want to see how easy it is for him to end this fling.
Clearing my throat, I quickly reply to my big brother, then slip my phone away and wriggle out of the booth before anything more can be said.
I pay before Grady can, and he gripes at me.
“What? It’s not like this is a date, right?” I snap.
His jaw works to the side, and he mutters, “We could have at least split the bill.”
Ugh! I hate that idea!
I’m not sure why it feels like a slap to the face, but it does, so I spin on my heel and march my dirty boots out of the diner at a fast clip.
He catches me easily, because of course he does. He’s Flash, right? Quick and strong and agile and… my bear.
My brain tortures me with images of his naked body. He’s the hottest guy I’ve ever been with, and I’ll never get over him. I know it as I buckle myself into the Jeep and we head for Nolan.
We don’t say anything, and it’s like a bucket of cold water has been poured over us.
Not just one bucket, multiple buckets .
We’re driving back to Football Frat in a metaphorical rainstorm, and neither of us can break the silence.
There’s not even music playing.
All I can hear is the hum of the engine. All I can feel is the thrumming in my chest.
Part of me wants to start yelling and ranting.
I’m pissed off at myself for even suggesting this fling idea. What the hell was I thinking?
I should have just controlled my raging libido and left him alone like he wanted me to.
And missed out on everything you shared?
Forget it!
But what’s the alternative?
Fessing up to my big brother.
That’s gonna go down like a glass of warm sick. He may not be my keeper or my boss, but there are rules, and I made Grady break them. I forced myself all over the guy, and if Wily finds out, Grady’s the one who will pay the price.
I can’t keep doing this. Breaking rules and hurting people.
Grady’s good. He doesn’t deserve all my shit.
I won’t put him in Wily’s line of fire.
This just has to be over. They’ll be sweet memories I can cling to on those days and nights my brain’s about ready to explode as I try to figure out how to tell the people I love that I’ve let them all down in the worst way possible.
My stomach clenches, my entire body seizing up as I picture how that’s all gonna play out.
Fuck! Not tonight. I can’t face that tonight !
We reach Nolan, and Grady glances at me. I quickly look away from him, keeping my eyes out the window as we drive through this university town. It’s pretty here. I’ve always liked Nolan, but I didn’t want to attend here and end up in my brother’s shadow.
Besides, Chicago was a better choice for the things I wanted to pursue.
At least the things my parents thought I should want.
What am I going to do now?
The urge to throw myself out of this car and just start running is overwhelming.
I can’t do this! I can’t face this!
Take me back to the forest!
The words are screaming through my brain as Grady pulls into the driveway.
He cuts the engine, and I know I should reach for the handle and open the door, but I can’t move.
Grady turns to me. I can’t really see his face in this light, but I can sense his intensity and stop breathing while I wait for him to speak.
“Thank you,” he finally whispers.
I want to ask for more— thank you for what? Be specific! —but the opportunity is stolen away when the front door opens and Wily hobbles out onto the porch.
“Hey, guys!” He waves, his smile bright and dopey and all things lovable.
He has no idea, and if he finds out what we got up to this week, that smile will disappear. He’ll stop grinning at me like I’m his sweet little sister. He’ll be disappointed, hurt, betrayed. And he’ll be so angry at Grady.
I look to the man beside me, hoping for a short pep talk, even a quick hand squeeze, but he’s already pushing the door open, raising his hand with a cheerful grin. “Hey, man.”
“Welcome home,” Wily booms, stretching his arms wide.
Satch appears behind him, tucking herself beneath his arm, and he pulls her close, kissing the top of her head, but obviously looking for me.
“Where’s my lil’ sis? You didn’t leave her in the forest, did ya?”
“Yeah, right.” Grady forces out a laugh. “I value my life, man.”
Shoving the door open, I order my stiff limbs out the door and wander around the Jeep.
Time to put on a show.
I can still do that, right?
I’ve had a lifetime of practice; five days of finally being myself for the first time won’t erase that, will it?
“Hey, shithead!” I wave at my brother, forcing my lips to move in the right direction.
“How was it?” He’s eyeing me with obvious interest, no doubt looking for cracks as if to prove himself right, that I couldn’t handle a five-day hike.
“Amazing!” I brighten my voice, which isn’t too hard, to be honest. It was fucking amazing. Every second of it.
“You’re not too sore?”
“My body might be aching a little.” I force myself to wander up the path and climb those front steps. “And I smell like a sewer, but other than that, I am just fine, thank you very much.”
Wily’s expression is comically skeptical, and he silently checks in with Grady .
He’s unloading the Jeep, his biceps curling as he takes both packs with ease.
Shit, I love his arms.
I picture my skinny white fingers trailing over his dark skin as he moved inside me and have to snap my eyes shut for a second.
“She did great. You wouldn’t know she was a first-timer.” He sounds like he actually means it, and I glance over my shoulder, my lips twitching before smiling down at him.
He winks at me, then looks at my brother.
Wily glances between us and my body stiffens, making me trip on the top step.
“Whoa.” He reaches forward to grab my arm, then hisses as he obviously twinges his knee.
“Careful,” I snap.
“You be careful,” he snaps right back as I flick his hand off my arm and steady myself.
“How’s he been?” I ignore my brother’s frown and look at his girlfriend.
She tucks herself back against his side and rests her hand on his stomach. “He’s been mostly good.” He whips an injured look at her, and she giggles. “You know you like to push it. You just need to be patient.”
“I don’t wanna be patient. I want to get on with my life already.” He starts hobbling back into the house, and I sense Grady right behind me as he pauses at the top of the front steps.
I want to turn and burrow myself against him.
I want his arms around me again.
But that’s not going to happen, is it?
It can’t .
So I dutifully ignore every instinct in my body and follow Wily and Satch inside.
Once my brother is settled back on the couch, he sniffs the air and wrinkles his nose at me. “You’re right. You do smell like a sewer.”
“Wily!” Satch tells him off while I snicker and shake my head, giving him the finger.
He grins back at me, his smile wide and adoring… and I’m reminded why I can’t tell him the truth.
Because if he knows what I let myself become in Chicago, he’ll never look at me like that again. If he knows what I forced one of his best friends to do in the forest, he’ll never speak to me again.
Shit.
“You okay?” His expression buckles, and I quickly school my face, forcing those lips of mine back into a smile.
“Yeah, I’m good. I’m just desperate for a shower.”
Grady moves past me, carrying our packs upstairs and calling over his shoulder, “You go first. I want to unpack my gear anyway. If I don’t do it the second I get home, it takes me over a week.”
I watch his very fine ass disappear up the stairwell and glance back into the living room, hoping my cheeks aren’t as red and hot as the rest of my body feels.
Shit, I’m gonna give myself away if I’m not careful.
Get that mask back in place! You’re not in the forest anymore, sweet thing.
“I’m showering.”
“Enjoy the hot water.” Satch grins at me.
“Believe me, I will.” I overexaggerate my words and bulge my eyes the way they’re expecting me to .
I score two laughs, the way I need to, then hike my butt upstairs and straight into the bathroom.
The second that hot spray hits me, I start to cry, the way my body has been begging to ever since I woke up this morning.