56. Blake
BLAKE
It’s stupid.
I’m stupid.
I know this, yet still I drive through the night, negotiating these winding roads in Wily’s big-ass truck. The built-in navigation system takes me to the parking lot I left only a few days ago.
I park in exactly the same spot Grady did and stare out at the darkness.
Hiking into the forest at this time of night is insane.
I’d be an idiot to do it, but my logical brain can shut the hell up, because I need to get into this forest right now.
I knew myself in this place.
I liked myself in this place.
And I have to get back there.
Jumping down, I grab the flashlight out of Wily’s glove compartment. My phone is still off, and the battery has probably died now anyway, so I won’t bother taking it.
Emptying my smallest bag, I throw a water bottle in there and grab a protein bar from Wily’s stash. He’s always got supplies in the back of his truck, and I don’t hesitate to steal from them.
I’ll replace it when I get back.
I’m not planning on going far.
I’ll just hike to that first spot Grady and I found. It only took a few hours. I’ll head there, find a perch on that rock we jumped off, and lie back to watch the stars.
Grabbing my jacket out of the back, I tie it around my waist.
See. I’m being sensible.
Slamming the door shut with a huff, I pocket the keys in the zip-up pouch of my yoga pants and start my trek.
The trees loom around me, and despite the darkness, I feel an instant sense of peace. This is what I need. To be shrouded by nature. To walk in a place where no one can judge me or reject me.
I’m free out here.
“I’m free!” I shout, my voice getting swallowed by the dark forest.
I shiver but let out a laugh, sweeping my flashlight beam across the empty space.
“I! Am! Freeeee!”
My words fly into the sky, and I can’t help another giggle… that quickly dries up in my mouth.
Free to do what?
Become what?
Moving forward, I keep my pace steady, following my beam of light along the trail. I can’t remember exactly where we went last time because I was simply following Grady, but I’m hoping it’ll be instinctual.
The path is relatively clear before me, and when I get to a fork in the road, I feel good about heading left, so I follow my gut and start ascending the slope.
My sneakers aren’t as good as my hiking boots, but I ignore the thought and keep pushing, welcoming the burn in my thighs as I continue to disappear into this wilderness.
The ground’s a little soft here, which I don’t remember, my sneakers sinking into the mud, but I keep pressing on.
It’s kind of weird that I’m wanting to get lost in order to find myself, but I just know that if I can make it to that perch on the rocks… if I can lie there staring up at the stars… answers will come to me.
I don’t have to say or do anything for anyone else in this moment.
There are zero expectations, and maybe from that place, I’ll finally figure out exactly what I want.