Chapter 18
CHAPTER
EIGHTEEN
JULIE
I don't remember the drive to Jamie's condo. One minute I'm backing out of my garage, and the next I'm sitting in her parking lot with my hands shaking so badly I can barely turn off the ignition. I sit there for a full minute, staring at the steering wheel, trying to breathe.
I make it to my sister’s door and knock before the tears start. By the time she opens it and I walk inside, I'm sobbing so hard I can barely stand.
Jamie takes one look at me and pulls me into her arms. "What happened?"
I can't speak. I just shake my head and cry into her shoulder while she holds me, one hand rubbing circles on my back.
"It's okay," she murmurs. "You're okay. I've got you."
But I'm not okay. I'm so far from okay that I don't even know how to articulate it.
Eventually she guides me to the couch and sits beside me, her hand gripping mine. "Tell me what happened."
I wipe my face with the back of my hand and try to pull myself together. "We had a fight. About Devon. About the online school thing I told you about before I left work."
"Okay."
"I told him I thought we should take our time. That we should talk about it together. That maybe we should try medication or coping strategies before we just pull her out of school entirely." My voice cracks. "And he lost it."
Jamie's jaw tightens. "What do you mean, lost it?"
"He told me I was being ridiculous. That I have an impossible standard.
That I'm perfect and he sucks and he's tired of me reminding him of it.
" The words tumble out faster now, like I can't stop them.
"He called me a cunt before he walked out of the room and slammed the door so hard the whole house shook. "
Jamie's face goes pale, then red. "He did what?"
"He's never talked to me like that. Never. He's never slammed a door. He's never—" I break off, my throat closing. "Jamie, I don't know who he is anymore. I don't recognize him."
"That's because he's showing you who he really is." Her voice is diamond hard now. "And he's a piece of shit."
"I don’t know if I can do this anymore." The words come out in a whisper. "Sometimes… I just want out."
Jamie squeezes my hand. "Then get out."
I would. I can’t even pretend otherwise. If things were different, honestly, I’d have left weeks ago. But things aren’t different. The reality hasn’t changed. Which means I’m stuck.
"It's not that simple."
"Why not?"
Because of the store. Because Dean bought the building and paid off the loan and if I leave Asher before five years, I lose everything.
And if I lose everything, Jamie loses everything too.
Our business. Our livelihood. Everything we've built together.
But I can't say that out loud. I can't put that burden on her. "It's just complicated," I say instead.
"Julie." Jamie's voice is firm. "You don't deserve to be treated like this. You don't deserve to be spoken to like that. You don't deserve to live in a house where you're afraid to have an opinion."
"I know."
"Do you? Because you keep making excuses for him."
"I'm not making excuses. I'm just—" I stop. "Honestly, I don't know what I'm doing."
Jamie opens her mouth to respond, but before she can, there's a knock at the door. We both freeze.
"Are you expecting someone?" I ask.
"No."
The knock comes again, harder this time. Insistent. Jamie stands and walks to the door. She looks through the peephole, then turns back to me with a look of pure fury on her face.
"It's Asher."
My stomach drops. "What?"
"He followed you here." She unlocks the door and yanks it open. "What the hell do you want, you piece of shit?"
Asher is standing in the hallway, and he looks like he's falling apart. His hair is disheveled. His eyes are red. His hands are shaking. "I need to talk to Julie," he says, his voice raw.
"Go fuck yourself. She doesn't want to talk to you."
"Jamie, please." He looks past her to where I'm sitting on the couch. "Julie. Please. I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."
I should tell him to leave. I should tell him I need space. But I can't make myself say the words.
Jamie steps into the doorway, blocking his view of me. "You don't get to come here and apologize after what you just did. You don't get to call my sister a cunt and then show up acting like you're the victim. You're not a victim. You're a fucking monster."
"I know." His voice cracks. "I know I fucked up. I know I said terrible things. I just—I need to talk to her. Please."
"You called her a cunt. You slammed a door and stomped out like a little bitch. You made her feel like she was the problem when she was just trying to have a conversation with you."
"I know." He's crying now, tears streaming down his face. "I know. And I hate myself for it. I hate myself so much. I just…I need to tell her how sorry I am."
Jamie looks back at me, her expression torn between fury and concern. "Do you want to talk to him?"
I should say no. I should tell him to leave. But when I look at him standing there, broken and desperate, I can't do it.
"It's okay," I say quietly. "Let him in."
Jamie steps aside reluctantly, and Asher walks into the condo. He doesn't look at Jamie. He only looks at me.
"Julie." He crosses the room and drops to his knees in front of the couch. "I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry."
"You don’t get to talk to me like that," I say, my voice shaking. "You don't get to treat me like that."
"I know. I know. I was an asshole. I was cruel.
I said things I didn't mean." He reaches for my hands, and I let him take them.
"I don't think you're perfect in a bad way.
I think you're perfect because you are. You're kind and patient and you've been so good to Devon and to me and I've been taking it for granted. "
"You have."
"I know. And I'm going to do better. I swear to God, I'm going to do better." He squeezes my hands. "I'll go to therapy. I'll find someone for myself, not just for Devon. I'll work on my anger. I'll work on communicating better. I'll do whatever it takes."
Jamie is standing by the door, her arms crossed, her expression murderous. "You're a piece of shit, Asher. You don't deserve her. You showed your whole ass tonight and what you showed was disgusting."
He doesn't look at her. He keeps his eyes on me. "You're right. I don't. But I love Julie. And I'm going to prove to her that I can be better."
"She should throw your ass out and never speak to you again."
He hangs his head. "I know. I fucking know."
"Stop," I say, looking between them. "Both of you, just stop."
Asher's hands tighten around mine. "Julie, please. Please come home. I can't do any of this without you. I can't lose you now."
"You're losing me by treating me the way you have been."
"I know. And I'm going to fix it. I promise." He pulls me closer, wrapping his arms around me, holding me so tightly I can barely breathe. "I hate myself for making you feel like you don't matter. You matter more than anything."
I feel his body shaking against mine. I feel the wetness of his tears soaking into my shirt. And despite everything, despite the anger and the hurt and the fear, I feel myself softening.
"If you want Devon to stay in regular school," he says into my hair, "that's what we'll do. You're right. We should have talked about it together. You're the decider, not me. Whatever you think is best, that's what we'll do."
I pull back to look at him. "What?"
"I mean it. If you think she should stay in school, she stays in school.
I'll call them tomorrow and tell them we're not doing the online program.
" He cups my face in his hands. "You're my wife.
You're my partner. And I've been shutting you out and making decisions without you and that's not okay. So you decide. Whatever you want."
I’m stunned. "Asher."
"I'm serious. You decide."
Jamie makes a disgusted sound from across the room, but I ignore her. Because Asher is looking at me like I'm the only thing in the world that matters. Like he's handing me back the power he took away.
"No," I say quietly. "She should do online school. You're right. The classroom environment isn't working for her. She needs something less stressful."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure."
He exhales, his shoulders sagging with relief. "Okay. Okay. Thank you."
"But you have to include me," I say. "You have to talk to me. You can't just make decisions and tell me after the fact."
"I will. I promise. I'll do better." He kisses my forehead, then my cheeks, then my lips. "I love you so much. I'm so sorry I made you doubt that."
"I love you too."
Jamie is still standing by the door, her expression unreadable. When I look at her, she shakes her head slightly, like she's warning me. Like she's telling me this is a mistake.
But I can't hear it right now. Because Asher is holding me and apologizing and promising to change, and I want so badly to believe him.
"Come home," he whispers. "Please come home."
I nod. "Okay."
He helps me stand, his arm around my waist like he's afraid I'll disappear if he lets go. We walk to the door together, and I glance back at Jamie.
"I love you. I'll call you tomorrow," I say.
“I love you more. Please... be careful,” she says.
She just watches us leave, her face tight with worry.
In the car, Asher holds my hand the entire drive home. He keeps apologizing, keeps telling me how much he loves me, keeps promising he'll be better. And I let myself believe him.