Chapter 7Harbor
Chapter 7
HARBOR
W atching him walk out the door is surreal. I sit there, leaning against the bed, replaying the last ten minutes in my head. What the fuck just happened?
I was only here because I wanted to be close to Bethany. I felt drawn to remember my friend for who she always was. How sweet and kind she was, and how bubbly and upbeat she was. The idea of being in her space made me think I could learn something about her that I didn’t already know. I didn’t expect to be cornered by her brother and bullied into letting him use me as a sex toy. Fuck.
I jump up and run to the restroom here in Bethany’s suite. There is no soap or towels, but water is always available. I rinse my face, splashing cold water over my cheeks, and then cup my hands to rinse out my mouth. It’s not that I hate the taste of him; in fact, there was something arousing about his taste. However, I’m doing everything in my power to deny that. Why am I like this? I’ve never had someone so in my head that I craved any attention. I should be disgusted that he used me like that, but the flavor of him on my tongue was a drug. Now that I’ve experienced that high, I’m hooked.
Breaking free from the memories flashing by, I realize the water that I’m using is beginning to soak my shirt. I reach out and twist the faucet, ceasing the flow of cold water, and then try to wipe any excess from my skin. I don’t even know what I’m doing right now, but I feel compelled to do something . My breath catches in my chest as I walk back to the main living area, realizing I’m still in Bethany’s room. Too many emotions build up, and tears pool before slipping down my cheeks. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to ignore the feeling like my heart will explode. My head begins to spin; all of this is just too much for me. Crossing over, I collapse onto the mattress of the unmade bed, as tears fall down my face once more.
My friend. The person who I always felt was a sister to me. It was my fault she died. I caused her to become involved in my drama. I continue to dwell on the loss in my heart when a sound echoing through the room startles me. Sitting up, I find the room completely empty. It’s then I realize it was just me, my uncontrollable sobs ricocheting around the bare room. Fuck.
Collapsing back onto the bed, I give in to the lack of energy that has swept through my body. I have nowhere to be, and no one but my enemy knows where to find me. I doubt he’d come back here looking for me, anyway. He already cleared out her room, so there wasn’t any reason for him to return. With a shuddering sigh, I roll my head over to stare up at the ceiling, before the exhaustion in my heart allows the blackness to take over.
The afternoon sunslight is slowly diminishing when I finally wake. I have no idea how long I fell asleep in my grief. I pick myself up and peer around, my heart cracking again when I realize I’m not in my room. My poor friend. Despite the words spewed from Silas’s mouth, I know I love– loved Bethany. I never once wanted her to become involved. In fact, I tried to avoid her when times were tough. I keep trying to remember if I could have done anything different. The thoughts of all those instances just ricochet through my brain, causing all the painful memories to flash the worst parts into my eyes. It all becomes too much; my heart feels like it’s going to split in two. My chest gets tight, and I feel like I can’t breathe. I run from the room, down the steps, and burst out the doors. My breathing is quick, almost out of control, and the pressure in my chest is on the verge of completely wrecking me.
I look around, instantly and involuntarily finding the place where she laid when I found her. The memories bombard my mind, both from that day nearly two weeks ago and from the moments just fifteen minutes before my consciousness can't avoid. It doesn’t stop me from trying to run away, though.
Spinning around, I’m lost in my own mind as I try to escape the haunting and guilt-ridden memories. It’s out of pure luck that my eyes find a rarely used path that circles the entire school campus. I run for it, not caring who sees me. I run, allowing my brain to go blank and my heart to beat for nothing but my freedom from these nightmares that haunt me.
I don’t know how long I run for, but when my mind finally relents, I slow down but continue on the path. My chest heaves from the exertion, and I put my hair up into a messy bun with a tie I left around my wrist today, desperate to get the weight of my curls off my neck. Walking through this unknown part of the school, I enjoy the new scenery, but my thoughts wander back to those moments earlier today with Silas. I don’t dwell on his pain, because I don’t blame him for accusing me of her death. While I didn’t kill her with my hands, I know her death was a result of her being involved with my shit. The emblem in the char marks proves someone attacked her, but thought it was me. This alone has been a source of my guilt for the past two weeks.
Another wave of grief washes over me, but I push on, knowing I can’t give up. Fuck, this hurts, but it doesn’t matter. Bethany wouldn’t give up if I had died.
The most confusing part of this whole thing is that I walked into that bathroom in Bethany’s room…aroused. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why was my core wet from him taking control? I know I’m not submissive in nature; I am too much of an independent person. I don’t dwell on someone taking control of me.
What I do remember is his fist wound in my hair, and his insistence that he used my mouth. What about that turns me on? Fuck, knowing my mouth was what brought him to his ecstasy was what made me the wettest. Why did he choose me? What about my mouth made it better for him? I mean, I know that he approves of my body. He had an amazing time when we were together at the club. I guess it makes sense that he’d enjoy using my mouth to get off. But fuck me. Why would I get off on that shit? What does that say about me?
Something about the way he craved me, even though he has tried to resist, makes my core clench. What happened wasn’t fully out of anger; I think it was the power trip that made it easier for him. Is that what it was for me? Thinking back to the words he uttered, he did say my mouth was hot. Was that referring to today? Or back at Erotic Dreams? Has he thought about that night since? Fuck, does that mean it doesn’t matter that he knows who I am? Is he attracted to me, regardless of me being his sister’s childhood friend? Tears fall once more as I think about these last few weeks, and if it all could be avoided.
Would he have been able to look past everything if I came clean earlier on? Probably not, but that is always going to haunt me. Is this something that we might overcome? Would that change my mind about the other guys?
So many questions fly through my head. I’m so distracted that I don’t even notice that Colette was walking beside me for several minutes. Jerking to a stop, I eye her carefully, ready to put up a wall of defense.
“Don’t worry; I won’t pry,” she says. “You just looked like you could use someone to just be here with you.” I don’t know what to think. This is so unnerving, walking peacefully.
As I continue walking along, I consider the change in Colette. She’s gone from someone who was the one I avoided, one who went out of her way to make my life miserable, to the opposite. Colette has changed, though. She’s not the vicious bitch she once was. I can’t get this change out of my head, and for once, I’m glad for this distraction.
Glancing over at her, I take in her appearance. Her long blonde hair hasn’t been styled much recently, as her arm is still in a sling. Her makeup isn’t as done, either, but I still see hints of lipstick and mascara. She serenely stares out at the grounds on either side of the path, and she honestly seems comfortable walking next to me. Not on edge, or ready to strike out at me. Her green eyes, despite the dimming sunslight, are still bright and relaxed. When she would attack me, they would change to a shade of forest so dark, they didn’t look green at all. Given this observation, I dare to speak to her.
“Why are you here?”
When her head swings toward me, I catch the hint of a wince, since she caught on to the wariness in my question.
“I know I’ve never treated you well,” she says, ducking her head. “I wish I could do more to apologize. I’ve always been one of the most popular girls at Terranea, and the expectation to stake a claim, or defend myself, has always been high. When you came in, Silas made a deal with me. He was practically begging for me to find out who you were, and destroy you, because he claimed you were stalking him. I told him I would if he would help me, as I was trying to get an internship with his father’s company.”
“Was?” I say, too curious to wait.
“Yeah, right before the…incident, I received a message while I was in the healer's center. I was awarded the internship.”
“Oh.” So, her showing up at the funeral and everything since wasn’t done out of obligation or necessity to get this job. She already won it. I-I don’t know what to think of that. Knowing the reason for how mean to me she was earlier in the year, kind of makes me feel a little better about the peace that she brings now, but my self-preservation is still sounding alarm bells. “I’m sorry, I am still struggling to reconcile your change of attitude toward me. Did Silas ever explain how he and I reconnected?”
“Not in detail,” she says, curiosity hiding behind her words.
“It was my first day back. I’d just arrived from Thalassia, and Bethany invited me out to the club that night. I didn’t know that it was Erotic Dreams at the time, but it was quite fun. I’d never seen anything like it. Bethany already had plans to meet her date there, so I ended up on my own. I didn’t mind, though.”
“We all headed back into the more exotic part of the club, and the show at the end of the hallway drew me in. I ended up on stage with one of the dancers. It was…intense. When he let me go, he told me he was going to send someone for me. I was excited and felt out of control, so when someone grabbed my hand and pulled me along in the midst of everyone, I didn’t bat an eye.” I stop walking, turning to face her because I need her to understand this part of the story.
“I didn’t realize that wasn’t the case until I was pulled into an alcove and practically molested. When I pushed the man off of me, a light shined down on his face, and I finally recognized him. It was Silas, my friend’s brother and my childhood crush. At that point, I was helpless to stop him. I’d always found him attractive, and now he was attracted to me. The last straw of my resolve was broken before I even knew it, because my syren was hungry after being on stage with the dancer.”
Taking a deep breath, I continue. “Yes, I hooked up with him. I must have called out his name, because he claimed he never told me, and then he blamed me for stalking him. It didn’t matter that he was the one who came after me, grabbed my hand, and pulled me along, or that I pushed him off, and he still crowded into me. He was put off because I knew his name. I recognized him, but he couldn’t remember me, and that was now my fault.”
“That’s how all of this started. I’ve done everything I can to avoid him and not start trouble. I just didn’t want to tell him and then start something between him and Bethany. I obviously wanted to hang around Bethany, so in this scenario, I was screwed either way.”
“Yeah, I don’t blame you,” she says after a moment. “I did notice how he began to become a little obsessed, and he definitely didn’t recognize you. He was trying to get me to find out who you were. I had a lot of info, but based on his behavior, I held off. Something told me not to do everything for him.”
“I could also tell you went out of your way to avoid him, but he tracked you down. He had a sense of where you were, I guess. For what it’s worth, I really am sorry that I attacked you so many times. I was hoping to just drive you away so that you wouldn’t have to deal with his obsession.”
I welcome her open kindness and honesty after the viciousness she displayed only a few weeks ago, but wariness remains in my soul. This is something I’m going to have to work on as she continues to prove herself. I offer a weak smile as I turn to continue back on the path. Having someone offer kindness without a craving for them is weird. The guys all pull to me, and I feel drawn to get to know them more. Colette is different. I have no pull to her, friend or otherwise, and yet she’s changing everything I’ve known about her and turning over a new leaf.
It’s not long before I start to see the scenery I recognize, including the dorms. As we approach the dorms, the lanterns placed around the grounds begin to light in the oncoming dusk. Pausing in front of the smaller path leading back to Bromberg House, I spin to face Colette.
“Thank you. You didn’t have to join me, nor did you have to explain your experience. I appreciate your kindness more than you can know. I think I’m ok now, so I’m going to head up to my room.”
Her smile and nod are comforting, but her silence as she turns and continues is confusing. Her lack of words didn’t feel aggressive; in fact, it felt as if she was giving me her silence to allow my words more meaning. This whole day has been exhausting, and I can only think as I climb the stairs that my luck might be changing.