16. Amanda
Amanda scrolled through houses to rent, sighing as all the nice ones were out of their financial reach.
She was furious that Ross hadn’t jumped on the one she’d found before, and of course it had been snapped up by someone else.
She looked out of the window at the falling leaves and grey sky.
It was November already. Would they be out of here soon?
Nancy’s cast had been taken off and she was managing to shuffle around on crutches with the boot protecting her leg.
But Ross said they needed to stay with her for another few weeks, just to make sure she was properly mobile, and also to allow him to work on persuading her of his suitability to lead the agency.
Amanda was bored. She could join a Pilates class and try to meet people, or maybe go up to the local tennis club for some lessons and find company there …
but she didn’t have the energy. She felt flat all the time, lifeless.
Everything was like a mountain she had to climb.
She’d googled it and it seemed she had the symptoms of depression.
Hardly surprising, with everything that was going on, but Amanda didn’t want to admit it.
She didn’t want to go to a doctor and tell them her woes.
She’d always been someone who knew what they wanted and how to get it.
But now … well, now she didn’t know what she wanted. That was the problem.
She hated Ross, but also still loved him, and that was what made the whole betrayal so crushing.
She was scared for Theo, too. She worried that if he found out about the baby, he’d take drugs again or act out and get into trouble.
He needed stability and calm to get through this year and do well in his exams. She wanted her one and only child, her pride and joy, to succeed in life and find happiness.
Amanda had always known that you had to be clever in life, crafty and streetwise.
You had to make things happen. That was what she had always done.
But now she hadn’t the energy to make friends with school mums, to figure out who were the ones to target and worth putting effort into.
It was all so pointless. She had spent so much of her life trying to get in with the ‘right’ crowd and where had that got her?
Those people didn’t give a damn about her, out of sight and out of mind.
Who was she kidding? She’d never really fitted in anyway.
She had always been an outsider. She thought about her two friends in college, Orla and Hazel.
They had liked her for who she was – she hadn’t had to pretend with them.
But when she’d met Ross, she’d dumped her friends and devoted herself to him.
Ross liked having her around all the time.
He didn’t have many friends either. They were in love and only wanted to be with each other.
Amanda didn’t need girlfriends because she had Ross. What an idiot.
She had thought about going out and trying to get a job to earn some money and have some independence, but it’d been so long since she’d worked, who would hire her?
Who wanted a housewife who hadn’t worked in eighteen years?
What could she offer? All Amanda really wanted to do these days was sleep.
When she was asleep she didn’t have to worry.
She heard an ear-splitting scream. What the hell?
Amanda jumped up and raced across the corridor to Nancy’s room. The bathroom door was closed, but she could hear her mother-in-law crying out in pain.
Amanda opened the door to find Nancy lying naked on the floor. The shock made her freeze so she just stood there, staring.
‘Don’t gawp at me, help me!’ Nancy roared, as she tried to cover her body with her hands.
Amanda jolted into action, grabbing a towel from the rail to cover Nancy. Then she bent down, helped her mother-in-law to her feet and onto the closed lid of the toilet. She saw a dressing-gown hanging on the door, pulled it down and helped Nancy into it, tying it at the waist.
Her mother-in-law was breathing heavily. Amanda worried she’d have a heart attack. ‘What happened, Nancy?’ she asked gently.
‘I was trying to wash myself and lost my balance,’ Nancy admitted.
‘I told you I’m always here to help you bathe.’
Nancy looked away. ‘I don’t need my daughter-in-law cleaning me. It’s degrading.’ She suddenly seemed frail.
‘It’s not degrading, it’s practical, and it’s only until you’re fully back on your feet.’
Nancy shook her head vigorously. ‘I managed to do it when I was in the cast. I’m just not used to the crutches yet and my balance is off.
I will not have someone else washing me.
I’m not an invalid. I just felt a bit light-headed because I slept badly last night.
I am perfectly capable of looking after myself. I’ve been doing it all my life.’
Amanda, probably for the first time in the decades of knowing Nancy, felt sorry for her. Her mother-in-law was clearly upset.
‘I’m here to help you. Please let me.’
Nancy frowned. ‘I don’t need your help. I’ll be out of the boot and off crutches soon.’
Actually, Nancy, you do need my help. I just found you lying butt naked on the floor, incapable of getting yourself up.
‘Okay. How about I sponge you down while you’re sitting there and help you get dressed? We don’t want you falling again.’
Nancy sighed, but didn’t resist. Amanda gently removed the top of the dressing-gown, sponged Nancy’s arms, chest, back and neck, patted her dry, adjusted the dressing-gown, then did her legs and feet.
She left her private parts to Nancy. She was happy to help, but that was a bridge too far and she knew Nancy would have freaked.
Strangely, it reminded her of bathing Theo when he was a baby. Ross would rush home to help her. It was one of their favourite things to do. They’d sing silly songs and marvel at their son, and when Theo smiled at them … it was like the sun shining. Happy days. Happy memories.
‘Amanda! Help me up, please.’ Nancy’s voice cut through her memories.
She helped Nancy to her feet. Her mother-in-law was shaking.
The fall had clearly affected her more than she was letting on.
She carefully led Nancy into her bedroom and placed her gently on the bed.
‘Why don’t I call Ross and say you’re not feeling well?
I think the doctor should come and check you, make sure you haven’t done any damage. ’
‘No! I’m fine, it was a little tumble, nothing else. You are not to tell anyone about my fall. Is that clear? I don’t want fuss or pity or anyone thinking I can’t run the agency. This is … this is just a little blip.’
Amanda helped Nancy to sit up in the bed, placing pillows behind her back.
Then she put a cushion under Nancy’s booted leg.
As gently as she could, she said, ‘Nancy, you had a horrible fall and you broke your leg in three places. A woman half your age would have spent months out of work recuperating. You’ve only just got the cast off.
You have to slow down and allow yourself to heal. ’
Nancy shook her head. ‘I will not stay in bed like an invalid. If you allow yourself to slow down, you get old fast. I will not let that happen to me. I will not become useless and a burden. No way. That agency is my life’s work.’
‘I understand, but Ross and Jamie, Melanie and Frank are all there to help. You can trust your own family to look after things. You really need to take a small step back until you recover your mobility and balance. Going from the wheelchair to standing is a big adjustment.’
‘I hated that wheelchair. Glad to be rid of it. Besides, they need me there. I’ll just have a quick rest and then you can drive me in.’
There was no way Nancy could go into the office: she was still visibly shaken.
Amanda had to stop her. ‘Why not call Ross and tell him you’re going to work from home today?
I’ll bring up a tray so you can put your laptop on it.
I really don’t think you should go in.’ Amanda admired her mother-in-law’s determination, but she could not allow her to go in.
It wasn’t safe. She imagined having to tackle Nancy to the ground or tie her to the bed or lock her into her room …
fantasies that, frankly, weren’t all that unpleasant.
Thankfully, before she had to resort to violence, Nancy capitulated. ‘All right. I suppose I could do that. But you are not to utter a word to Ross about this.’
Amanda crossed her heart. ‘Not a word. I promise.’
Downstairs, Amanda prepared a tray of snacks, tea, water, painkillers and Nancy’s laptop, and made her way back upstairs.
When she entered the bedroom, she found her mother-in-law fast asleep.
Nancy’s mouth was hanging open and she was snoring lightly.
She looked every one of her seventy-six years and more.
Underneath the mask of her carefully applied make-up, tailored work suits and groomed hair was a tired woman who had suffered a lot of tragedy in her life and kept going through pure drive and determination.
Amanda had to admire Nancy: she was a survivor.
She wondered what Nancy would have done if her husband – one of them, anyway – had come home and told her he was having a baby with another woman. She’d probably have cut his balls off.
Amanda watched her sleep. She had never seen her vulnerable like this before.
Age was the one thing you couldn’t fight and the fall had shaken her.
She wouldn’t be able to run the agency much longer, even when her leg healed.
She was getting on and it was too much for her to handle.
It was definitely time for her to start ceding control to Ross.
He was ready and hungry for it – and Amanda needed it as badly as he did.
Amanda placed the tray on the chair beside the bed and carefully pulled a blanket over her mother-in-law’s lap. As she was creeping out of the room she heard a muttered ‘Thank you.’
Amanda was shocked. That was the first time Nancy had uttered those two words to her.
All she’d done, all the meals, the constant laundry, the numerous times she’d bitten back the words she wanted to say to let Nancy know what she thought of her constant criticisms, all of it had gone unnoticed and unremarked.
And now this. Incredible. Maybe Nancy’s heart wasn’t completely shut down, after all.
It was only a simple gesture, but to Amanda it felt like a minor miracle.