22. Amanda
Amanda stared at her husband’s back. It amazed her how easily he slept.
Once his head hit the pillow he was out like a light.
Clearly guilt didn’t faze him one bit. While he slept, she lay awake, panicking about the future, Theo, their life, her marriage, living in Dublin, going backwards … everything.
They still hadn’t had sex. She just could not do it.
She had so much rage inside her that she wanted to strangle him, not straddle him.
She tried to remember back to when they were happy, but the affair had made her doubt her whole marriage.
Had Ross always had a wandering eye? Was this, as he swore to her, his first affair?
Was she delusional? No, they had been in love.
She had loved him and she knew he had loved her.
They’d had a good partnership: she ran the home and looked after Theo, and Ross earned the money.
Yes, she knew it was very traditional, but she had been happy with it.
She didn’t want to work, she loved her life.
Her fabulous London life. But now she hated Ross.
She didn’t know where to put the anger. It was like a hard knot inside her chest. She probably needed to see a therapist, but she couldn’t face talking about it because she was scared.
She was frightened that if she let out her anger, sorrow and grief, if she relaxed her grip on it for even a second, she’d fall apart completely.
She had to keep it together for Theo. She also had to remain strong in front of Nancy so she would believe that Ross had a solid family life and therefore could concentrate fully on running the agency.
It was exhausting: the lack of sleep and constant anxiety mixed with rage were draining.
She glanced at the clock. It was only five, but she knew sleep would not come.
She tiptoed out of bed and dressed in warm clothes.
She put her swimming togs and a towel in a bag, just for show, and went down to make a flask of strong coffee and fresh scones.
As the sister-in-law who didn’t work, she felt she needed to bring the food.
A sea swim? Had Katie lost her mind? Amanda had read the text again, but before she could type out a very definite No, thank you , her screen had lit up again.
Melanie: Are u drunk?
Katie: No! I want to b a bettre person and I used to love swimming. Come on, I’ll bring cofee. COME ON!
What time?
6.30 a.m. U will b home by 7.30 a.m. to get kids sorted and get to work.
Sunrise is actually at 5.40.
OMG, Mel, just come!
OK, what the hell, will wake me up .
When Melanie agreed, Amanda had felt pressured.
Katie: A? You in?
She hadn’t wanted to say no in case they never asked her to do anything again. She also did not want to get into the freezing sea. I’ll come but not sure I’ll swim .
Bring ur togs!
Amanda was sick of hearing women banging on about sea swimming.
Since Covid, every second person she knew was swimming – and talking about it.
In London it was in lakes and rivers; in Dublin it was the sea.
Women who had previously been fun to meet for coffee suddenly became evangelical – and total bores – about sea swimming.
They wanted to tell her all about the highs and the endorphins.
They talked, at length, about all the equipment needed for the winter months – the neoprene shoes and gloves, the flask of hot coffee or tea, the warm dry-robe, the woolly hat … It was endless and deadly dull.
Amanda rarely got into the sea on foreign holidays when it was a pleasant temperature.
She hated getting her hair wet. It ruined her blow-dries.
She only ever went into the sea up to her waist to cool down and then she’d retreat to her sunbed.
The notion of throwing herself into the freezing sea in the wee hours of the morning was horrifying.
On the other hand, she didn’t want to be left out, and her sisters-in-law were the only people who understood how bloody difficult Nancy was.
It had felt like sweet relief to vent after Katie’s disastrous party and she’d had lots of fun helping Katie to write the song for the barbershop-quartet apology.
She’d decided to go to the sea with them, have a coffee, watch them swim, and be home in time to make Nancy her scrambled eggs.
Besides, she was sleeping so badly, an early start would be no bother to her.
She was waking up at four o’clock most mornings.
It would make a nice change from staring at the ceiling, feeling sick with anxiety.
Katie was sitting on the wall, looking out to sea, when Amanda arrived. She had her eyes closed and seemed to be meditating, or possibly nursing a hangover.
‘Morning,’ Amanda said softly, so as not to disturb her. She put down her basket of coffee and food beside the wall.
Katie opened her eyes and turned around. ‘Oh, hi.’
God, she looked even worse than Amanda. Her face was ghostly white and she had purple rings under her eyes.
‘What kind of crazy idea is this?’ Melanie arrived, wearing a hoodie and leggings, and holding her work clothes, which were covered in plastic on a hanger.
Katie smiled. ‘It’s called starting your day on a good note.’
‘Seriously, Katie, who are you right now?’ Melanie said, shaking her head.
Katie’s smile faded. ‘I’m trying to be better. Lucy is still so cross with me, I’m hoping the swim will shock me into behaving like a grown-up and not slag off my mother-in-law.’
‘It was kind of fun to witness all the same.’ Amanda grinned.
‘Not as much fun as the song you wrote.’ Melanie cracked up. ‘I have to hand it to you, Amanda, the lyrics were brilliant.’
‘I had a lot of fun writing it. I only wish I’d been there to see it,’ Amanda said.
Katie put her bag down on a rock. ‘Nancy didn’t even crack a smile, but at least she said that I hadn’t hurt her relationship with Lucy or Jamie. If she wants to snarl at me for ever, I’ll suck it up.’
‘You’re lucky Jamie was so nice about it. I don’t think Ross would ever have forgiven me.’
Katie pulled off her tracksuit bottoms. ‘Jamie was furious at first, but I think when he saw me making a total fool of myself trying to apologize, he took pity on me.’
Melanie stood with her towel on her shoulders, shivering. ‘He adores you.’
Katie unzipped her hoodie. ‘I honestly don’t know what I’d do without him. He’s my rock.’
‘Right, let’s do this,’ Melanie said, flinging off her towel.
‘I hadn’t figured you to be a swimmer.’ Amanda was really surprised by Melanie’s hardiness.
‘I was brought up in Sligo, so I surfed a lot when I was younger. I’m well used to cold water.’
‘Well, I grew up in Dublin and thought that only people who were seriously unhinged swam in the sea,’ Katie admitted, as she pulled on a cap. ‘But I loved swimming when I was younger. Mind you, that was in pools. I figure the cold water will be my punishment, so let’s do this.’
Amanda stood at the water’s edge, watching her sister-in-law plunge in, squealing as the cold water hit her.
‘Oh, my God, it’s freezing … but also kind of amazing,’ Katie panted. ‘Just do it. Come on. I promise you, it’s such a buzz.’
Amanda stood by the wall, wrapping her cardigan tightly around her. ‘No way. You’re mad.’
Melanie walked to the edge and dived in – like a dolphin. Amanda was shocked.
‘Bloody hell, you’re a dark horse.’ Katie whooped, as Melanie appeared beside her.
‘Us Sligo girls are well able for a bit of cold water. Besides, Sloane’s mad into sea swimming so she’ll be very impressed with me when I tell her I’ve been in for a dip.’
Amanda watched her sisters-in-law. They were laughing and having fun. She was, once again, on the sidelines. She had to make an effort if she wanted to connect with them. They were her lifeline here in Dublin, she needed them, and she was growing to like them.
‘Come on in!’ Katie shouted. ‘Be brave!’
What the hell? Before she could talk herself out of it, Amanda yanked on her togs and walked down the steps into the cold water.
Sweet Mother of Jesus, it was Baltic! She shrieked with fright.
‘Keep moving, breathe slowly, you’re okay. It’s just the cold water giving you a bit of a shock,’ Melanie reassured her.
Amanda tried to slow her panicked breathing. She copied Melanie and Katie, and slowly her body adjusted to the water temperature and her breathing became less shallow.
‘How the hell is this supposed to be relaxing? I almost had a heart attack,’ she puffed.
Katie laughed. ‘It’s all about the breathing. Also, apparently, you do get used to it. Keep moving. I don’t feel the cold half as much now.’
‘I’m not sure this is for grown-up me. It’s a lot colder than I remember as a kid.’ Melanie laughed, as she swam in circles to keep from dying of cold.
Amanda was feeling marginally less cold, but not by a whole lot. Her body was tingling in a strange way and she definitely felt awake and alive.
‘Okay, I’m getting out now,’ Melanie said.
‘Me too.’ Amanda was relieved.
‘One more minute, girls, come on,’ Katie urged them.
They swam for another minute, then climbed out. Surprisingly, Amanda’s skin hummed with a very pleasant, warm sensation. She didn’t feel cold at all. She dried herself briskly with a towel.
‘Don’t you feel great now?’ Katie, the newly obsessed sea swimmer, asked.
Amanda nodded. ‘I have to admit, I do. Although I did think I was going to die when I first got in.’
‘Melanie?’ Katie turned to her sister-in-law, who was pushing her arms into her thick dry-robe.
‘I actually did enjoy it, brought me right back to my youth. It’s definitely a good way to start the day. I usually like to be in the office really early, but I’ll join you every now and then.’
Amanda opened her basket, poured hot coffee and handed it around, with the buttered freshly made scones. They sat on the wall, cosied up in layers of warm clothes, sipping the coffee.
‘You’re an angel for thinking to bring coffee, and these scones are amazing,’ Katie said.
‘Yes, the coffee is bliss,’ Melanie said, cradling her cup to warm her hands.
The hot drink was warming Amanda from the inside. She realized she felt better than she had in weeks. The heavy feeling on her chest had been lifted, temporarily at least. Maybe this was why everyone became so obsessed with swimming and couldn’t shut up about it.
When Amanda got home, she was humming to herself, feeling a wave of good mood from her little adventure. She walked into the kitchen, where Ross was making himself coffee.
‘Where’ve you been? I woke up and you were gone.’
‘I went for a swim with Katie and Melanie.’
‘What?’ Ross looked shocked. Amanda didn’t blame him. It wasn’t as if they were all mates.
She opened the fridge and took out some eggs. ‘Katie texted and asked if we’d join her. I think it was some kind of cleansing ritual for her after the Nancy episode.’
‘She needs a lot more than a swim to cleanse herself. I don’t know what Jamie ever saw in her. She’s punching way up with him.’
Amanda felt protective of her sister-in-law. ‘That’s not fair. Katie’s a really nice person and they seem to have a great relationship.’ She broke the eggs into a bowl and began whisking them.
‘I really don’t want you hanging out with her. She’s a bad influence. She needs to stop drinking and get a grip on herself. She’s vulgar and uncouth.’
Amanda bristled with annoyance. ‘That’s nonsense, Ross. Yes, she overreacted, and she knows that. But she’s apologized and tried to make amends. That’s all she can do.’
Ross sipped his coffee. ‘I must say, I was not impressed that you helped write the lyrics for that godawful song.’
Amanda popped the eggs into a saucepan, adding only one spoonful of butter and one of milk, just the way Nancy liked her scrambled eggs. ‘Katie was trying to make amends, and I was happy to help her apologize.’
Ross rinsed his cup and placed it in the dishwasher. ‘That was the tackiest apology I’ve ever witnessed. She has no class.’
Amanda used to think Katie was a bit tacky and a messy drunk, but as she was getting to know her better, she saw her big heart and kind nature. Ross’s unkind and cynical take on his sister-in-law said more about him than it did about Katie.
‘And who are you to judge anyone? Who are you to call anyone else tacky? You have no place on the moral high ground, Ross. You fell from grace with a big bang, remember? Katie is incredibly kind and thoughtful. She just snapped, Ross. Your mother has spoken down to her for years.’ Looking directly at her husband, she added, ‘We all have a breaking point, Ross. We all snap when we’re pushed too far. ’
Ross looked uncomfortable. ‘Regardless of what you think of me and the many mistakes I have made, I would never shout abuse at an elderly woman. I think Jamie needs to have a serious conversation with Katie about boundaries.’
Amanda shook the wooden spoon in Ross’s face.
‘Jamie supports his wife. He loves her. He thinks she’s great, and even though he was angry with her, he still had her back.
That’s what love is. That’s what true love looks like.
You wouldn’t know about that because you have done the complete opposite to me. ’
‘Amanda, I do love you,’ he said quietly, ‘even though my actions have not shown that.’
She sighed. ‘Look, Ross, we have no friends here, we only have your family. We rely on them for work, a home and support. You cannot fall out with them. I know you feel you’re the odd one out, but Jamie and Frank have been very welcoming.
You have to get rid of the chip on your shoulder.
They are your brothers and they are also your colleagues.
We have to make an effort to fit in and find our place among this family.
You need to try to build a relationship with your brothers, not fight with them and belittle their wives, who, by the way, are really great women.
We have had so much upheaval this year, and so much more to come, that we need all the support we can get.
I like my sisters-in-law and I’ll be seeing both of them whenever I want.
If you have any brain, you’ll do the same with your brothers.
It’s very lonely here, Ross. I lost my best friend when you betrayed me. I need friends.’
Ross reached for her hand, but Amanda pulled back.
‘I’m still your best friend,’ he said pleadingly. ‘I still love you. I want us to work this out.’
Amanda smiled sadly. ‘And I want my old life back, but we don’t always get what we want, Ross.’