25. Amanda
Amanda stared at the trees outside her bedroom window, a room she spent far too much time hiding in.
The autumn leaves had fallen and winter had set in.
Bare branches, grey skies and a whole lot of rain.
It suited her mood. Bleak. What were they going to do when this baby was born?
Whatever the circumstances, the baby was an innocent victim and Ross needed to step up.
But how could they ever afford a nice house here in Dublin with a child to support in London?
Would Ross have to fly over every few weeks to spend time with his baby?
And, if so, where would he stay? Would he end up rekindling his relationship with Ruby?
A gorgeous young mother was a lot more enticing than a furious, hurt, paranoid, peri-menopausal wife.
If they broke up, what happened to her, and to Theo, and what kind of future would she have?
Would she meet anyone else or live alone for ever?
What kind of job could she get? Stacking shelves in Tesco was about all she was qualified for at this stage.
She felt panic grip her again and knew she needed to do something to fend off a panic attack.
Amanda dragged herself off the bed and went downstairs. Theo was hunched over his phone at the kitchen counter, eating toast.
Ross was standing at the end of the counter, shouting, ‘Take those bloody AirPods out.’
Theo ignored him.
‘Theo!’ Ross roared.
Amanda, sensing a huge row brewing, tapped her son on the shoulder. ‘Take them out,’ she said quietly.
Theo pulled the AirPods out of his ears. ‘What?’ He looked at his father coldly.
‘I’m trying to talk to you is what. Do you have any idea how rude it is to sit there with those in? It’s disrespectful.’
‘Okay, they’re out now.’ Amanda tried to smooth things over.
‘Disrespectful?’ Theo asked.
‘Yes, extremely,’ Ross answered. ‘Your midterm test results have come in and they are not good, Theo, not good at all. You need to get your head down and start studying, because you won’t get any decent course in university with these useless grades.
Pull up your socks, for Christ’s sake. You’ve already messed up your education once. ’
‘Disrespectful?’ Theo asked again.
Ross glared at him. ‘Are you deaf? Yes, disrespectful.’
Theo sat up straight. ‘It’s an interesting word to use. I mean, I understand Mum using it, but you, Dad … not so much.’
‘Excuse me?’ Ross’s rage was almost palpable and Amanda angled herself to be between her husband and son. In this mood, Ross was unpredictable and she didn’t want Theo getting the rough end of his tongue.
Theo was staring Ross down. ‘For a man who shat all over his own family by getting a much younger woman up the pole, I think you have some nerve to call me disrespectful.’
What? He knew? Theo knew about the affair? Amanda thought they had done a good job of hiding it from him.
Ross stood very still.
‘I think,’ Theo said, never taking his eyes off his father, ‘that it’s extremely disrespectful to your wife to screw someone else.
I think it’s very disrespectful not to use a condom – didn’t you say to me, “Never trust a woman with birth control, mate. Always wear a hat”?
Remember that, Dad? I think it’s disrespectful to blame me for us moving back to Ireland when it was really your affair, and the half-brother or -sister I will soon have, that was the real reason for it.
I think it’s very disrespectful of you to criticize your brothers and their wives all the time.
Frankly, Dad, I think you’re behaving like a complete and utter wanker. ’
Amanda gasped. ‘Theo, I thought …’
Theo snorted. ‘Thought I didn’t know? I know you wanted to protect me from this, Mum, but I’m well able to listen at doors. I can read text messages, and I can feel the bloody tension around you two. I’ve known for ages. I don’t know how you’ve forgiven him.’
‘I haven’t.’ The words came out of her mouth without her realizing she was about to say them. But it was true: she hadn’t. She wasn’t sure she’d ever forgive Ross. The betrayal ran so deep.
‘If my partner did this to me, I’d be gone. Simple as.’
Amanda smiled sadly. Teenagers saw life as black-and-white, but it was all grey.
Keeping her voice steady she said, ‘I stayed because your dad and I have a long history together and, most of all, because we have you, my pride and joy. I stayed because I didn’t want you to have to move country and have us separate as well.
I stayed because, despite everything, I still love your dad.
But will that be enough for me to be able to forgive him?
I honestly don’t know. When the baby is born it will all be even more complicated.
I just want you to be okay. That’s my only priority.
’ Amanda brushed Theo’s hair back from his eyes.
Ross cleared his throat. ‘I have apologized to your mother a million times in private, but I’d like you to hear it too.
I also want to apologize to you, Theo. I am truly, deeply sorry and ashamed.
I don’t know what I was doing. I guess my ego was flattered by the attention …
and … I don’t have an excuse, really. I was selfish and I regret it every single day.
I know it sounds ridiculous to say I never meant to hurt anyone, but I swear I didn’t. ’ Ross’s voice shook.
Theo was unmoved. ‘You can’t say you never meant to hurt Mum when you were screwing someone else.’
Wow! Amanda was secretly enjoying watching Theo make Ross squirm. It actually felt so good to have someone on her side, someone who knew, who understood her pain.
Ross flinched. ‘Come on, no need for that.’
‘I guess the truth hurts, Dad. I don’t remember you holding back when you told me what a disappointment I was for getting expelled, how let down you felt, how I was a spoilt, entitled little arsehole.’
Theo was sticking the knife in and turning it. Amanda almost felt sorry for her husband. His face was white.
‘Okay, I’ll admit that I did go hard on you, but I think any parent would have.
I mean, whatever my mistakes are, I don’t want you to make big ones at such a young age.
’ He held up his hands. ‘I know I’m older and supposed to be wiser, I know I messed up, but I take full responsibility for my terrible decisions and I’m devastated that they’ve hurt your mum and you so much.
I will do everything in my power to make it up to you both.
I’m trying to make things work here. I’m trying to persuade your grandmother to hand over the running of the agency to me so that I can get us a nice house and also look after this child that I have a responsibility to.
I don’t know how it’s all going to work.
I’m stressed out of my mind, to be honest, but I’m trying to do the right thing by everyone and I’ll have to own up to the child when it’s born.
I’ve been putting off telling everyone until I’d found my feet at the agency.
I know how badly this all reflects on me. ’
Theo shrugged. ‘They’re your family, they’ll be pissed off, and then they’ll get over it. Like I will.’
Amanda smiled at her son and watched the tension and fear drain from Ross’s face. He came over to hug his son.
‘Whoa, back off. We’re not hugging. I still think you’re a cheating scumbag. I need time to get rid of the anger.’
Was that what the coke was about? Amanda wondered. ‘How long have you known?’ she asked.
‘Three or four months. I saw a text you sent to Dad and started snooping.’
‘Is that why you were acting out? Is that what the cocaine was about? Was it a cry for help or a rage-against-the-world thing?’
‘I guess so.’
Amanda hugged her son – she was permitted to as the parent who hadn’t screwed around.
Theo had used cocaine as a cry for help.
He was just an angry, hurt teenager being silly.
She felt a weight lift off her shoulders.
She was glad Theo knew, and that he had expressed his feelings.
By letting go of his anger it wouldn’t sit in him like a poison.
This was good, this was healthy. He needed to vent and tell his father how he felt.
‘I’m done with the family chat now.’ Theo put his AirPods back in and left the room.
Ross let out a deep sigh. ‘Jesus, that was intense.’
‘It certainly was.’
‘He seems to be handling it well enough, doesn’t he?’
Amanda could hear pleading in Ross’s voice. Part of her still wanted to hurt him, but he was doing his best and she had to try to let her anger go or it would destroy her.
‘He does, yes. He’s a great boy, and we should be very proud of him. He’s had a really tough time.’
Ross sat down at the counter. ‘I know. I’ve been too hard on him.’
‘Yes, you have.’
‘I’ll make it up to him, and to you, I promise.’
Amanda knew he meant it, but how did you make up for deep betrayal and crushing someone’s heart?