27. Melanie
Melanie sat opposite a woman dressed in a long caftan-type garment. The room was brightly lit – too bright for Melanie’s liking. She would rather it had been pitch-dark so her complete lack of comfort would have been less obvious.
Why the hell did I let Frank talk me into this? Bloody Petrus and bloody sexual attraction and bloody dead sex life .
There was a smell of incense wafting about, but apart from that the room was not full of hippie-dippy trinkets, as she had expected. It was sparse, with just a couch, two chairs and some cushions on the floor.
The woman, Helena, asked them if they knew much about Tantric sex.
‘No, and we have just an hour. I have a meeting at two,’ Melanie said sharply.
Helena smiled knowingly. ‘Okay, I want you to sit back and relax while I tell you a little about the practice. There is a lot of misinformation about Tantric sex. Tantra is an ancient Indian practice that dates back more than five thousand years. In Sanskrit, the word tantra means “woven together”. People who practise Buddhist and Hindu meditation may also practise Tantric sex as a way to “weave” the physical with the spiritual.’
‘Right, okay. Just to be clear, I will not be taking my clothes off,’ Melanie said firmly.
‘Relax, Melanie. I told you, this will only go as far as we want it to,’ Frank reassured her, for the millionth time.
Helena smiled. ‘Don’t worry, Melanie. You will not be asked to take off any clothes, but you might like to take off your coat so you are more comfortable.’
Melanie hadn’t realized she was clutching her coat around herself. She took it off and placed it beside her. It was the only item of clothing she would be removing today.
‘So, what has brought you both here?’
Frank cleared his throat. ‘Melanie and I have drifted apart on an intimate level.’
‘It happens to everyone,’ Helena reassured them. ‘What was your sex life like before, when you were closer?’
‘I think we’ve just got into a bad rut. In the early days we had good sex.’ Melanie suddenly felt defensive about her former sex life. She didn’t want Helena thinking she was cold and frigid.
‘Really good,’ Frank agreed.
‘Did Frank satisfy you sexually?’ Helena asked.
Oh, God, it was all so horribly awkward. Still, she had agreed to this so she had to engage.
‘Yes, Frank is all about being in the moment and he was very considerate, always made sure I was … well, you know, satisfied.’
‘That’s wonderful. How about you, Frank? Did Melanie satisfy you sexually?’
‘Yeah, yes … I mean, yes, she did.’ Frank sounded very hesitant.
‘It’s important to be honest here,’ Helena reminded Frank.
‘Melanie is a good lover, but I suppose as time went on she seemed more in a hurry, but that’s Melanie. She spends her life sprinting forward.’
‘What are you saying?’ Melanie was not being slated sexually without a fight.
‘It’s not a bad thing, just your personality. I felt that you were keen for things to be done efficiently.’
‘You’re saying I rushed you?’
‘You always seemed in a hurry for me to climax.’
Melanie winced at the word ‘climax’.
‘Were you in a hurry, Melanie?’ Helena asked.
‘I don’t … I mean … I just … I suppose I didn’t feel the need for it to go on for a long time.’
Helena clasped her hands together. ‘Okay, sex is as much about intimacy as the mechanics. The more intimate you are, the better the sex. It seems to me that you need to work on intimacy. Tantric sex brings together spirituality and sexuality and emphasizes the importance of intimacy during a sexual experience. The exercises that we will do today are simple, but profound.’
God, what did that mean? Simple was good, but profound? Melanie didn’t like the sound of that. Her phone buzzed in her bag. She reached for it, but Frank got there first.
‘You promised one hour.’
‘Yes, but I’m waiting to hear –’
‘It can wait one hour.’ Frank was firm.
It was like her fingernails were being pulled out, but Melanie dug deep and nodded. She had agreed to give one hour of full focus to this – her relationship and Frank deserved it. Frank switched off her phone and they turned back to Helena.
She played some kind of New Age music and told them to stand up and let go.
She started shaking and swaying on the spot with her eyes closed, asking them, ‘What is your pelvis saying?’ She began to moan and grunt.
Melanie was paralysed by mortification, but Frank, well, Frank was grunting and moaning like a crazy person.
If this was supposed to release sexual chemistry or increase intimacy, it was doing the polar opposite. Melanie had never found Frank less attractive than seeing him bent over, grunting like a gorilla in heat.
Helena encouraged Melanie to let go, but after ten minutes she turned off the music. Melanie snuck a look at her watch. God, half an hour still to go. It was the longest hour of her life.
‘Now we are going to have you face each other. Sit on these big cushions, cross your legs and sit opposite each other.’
Melanie hated sitting cross-legged. It felt unnatural and uncomfortable and it was making her suit trousers crease. Frank sat opposite her, his legs crossed like a yogi’s, looking extremely comfortable.
‘I want you to hold hands and stare into each other’s eyes. Lose yourselves in each other’s windows to the soul.’
At first it felt really fake and embarrassing, but slowly, Melanie began to relax.
She couldn’t remember the last time she’d actually looked into Frank’s eyes.
She’d forgotten how lovely they were, navy blue, with a hint of grey.
They radiated kindness and love. Fondness for him came flooding back.
Frank, her Frank, the man she had fallen in love with, married and had children with.
Frank, who encouraged her to be the best agent.
Frank, who enabled her to work long hours.
Frank, who was always proud of her. Frank, who had made her feel seen and safe when she’d met him.
Melanie’s breathing slowed and she felt her body sink into the cushion.
‘Wonderful, I could really feel the connection there,’ Helena enthused.
Melanie smiled at Frank. Okay, that wasn’t so bad. Now she could get back to work. She stood up and moved towards her coat, but Helena stopped her.
‘Now that you have established a meaningful connection through the eyes, we will do full-body, non-sexual hugs that will awaken emotions and sensation in surprising ways.’
What? Really? Okay, hugs, and then that was it. She’d done her bit.
Frank pulled her towards him and wrapped her in his arms. Like the eyes, Melanie took a minute to lean into the exercise, but then she did.
She hugged Frank back, inhaling his comforting Frank smell.
But as he pressed against her, holding her tightly, she became aware he had an erection. She jumped back.
‘It’s perfectly normal and healthy for Frank to feel aroused at being close to you,’ Helena said. ‘Feel free to add more physical foreplay to increase this sexual arousal. Why don’t you try some deep, slow kissing?’
‘No.’ Enough was enough. Melanie was not standing in a brightly lit room in front of a stranger with her husband’s erection digging into her thigh while snogging.
She grabbed her coat before anyone could stop her.
Pulling it on, she said, ‘Thank you, it was better than I expected, but I have to go now.’
‘Do you feel a closer connection to Frank? A more intimate union?’
‘Yes, I do,’ Melanie admitted, and she did. But what did it mean and what would it bring them as a couple? It had reminded her that she loved him, or at least had loved him. But did she want to rip his clothes off? No. Did she want to lie down and have long-drawn-out sex? No.
She walked out with Frank. She felt bad about what had just happened, but there was no way she could have kept going with it. She hoped she hadn’t embarrassed him.
Frank glanced at her and smiled. ‘Thanks for doing it. I know it was miles out of your comfort zone.’
Melanie laughed. ‘It certainly was, but it was good. I’d forgotten how nice your eyes are.’
‘It made me realize just how much we’ve drifted,’ Frank admitted.
Melanie said nothing. Frank reached for her hand. ‘I love you, Melanie, always have, always will.’
‘I love you too, Frank.’
But I’m not in love with you and I don’t want to have sex with you even if you have the loveliest eyes.
The realization washed over her in a wave of grief – their love had died. Her lovely Frank wasn’t really hers any more. And she was no longer his. She had skirted around the edges of her thoughts and emotions for so long, but now the truth had pushed its way to the surface.
I’m not in love with my husband.