34. Amanda
Katie sat in her pyjama bottoms and an oversized sweatshirt, crying. Her hair was sticking up in different directions like Theo’s used to when he was small. She looked like a little girl.
Amanda glanced at Melanie, who shrugged her shoulders. She was obviously as much in the dark as Amanda was.
Katie’s hands were sweaty. ‘Thanks so much for coming. I didn’t know who to call. I couldn’t tell the girls in the salon and, well, you both have big, forgiving hearts, even though what I’ve done is a bit like what Ross did and I feel sick.’
What did she mean ‘a bit like what Ross did’? What the hell had she done?
‘How could I have been so stupid? How did I let myself get so drunk?’
Melanie handed Katie a tissue. ‘What’s going on, Katie? You’re talking in riddles.’
Amanda was glad Melanie was there to cut across Katie’s ramblings.
Katie told them about her night at the gig and waking up in a hotel bed with another man. ‘But I had my tights and pants on, so we didn’t have sex, like I didn’t do that, and he told me we didn’t do it … but … but it’s really bad, I know it is.’
Amanda’s mouth dropped. How could she do that?
How could she risk her lovely marriage? She and Jamie were perfect for each other.
They disagreed at times and Jamie got cross with her, but they adored each other.
How could she have been so stupid? She had everything, a loving husband and two gorgeous kids.
Amanda knew Katie was looking for empathy and support, but she was having a hard time processing this.
It was like what Ross had done, the same careless neglect and betrayal, and it made her feel so angry.
‘Jesus, Katie, that’s really bad.’ Melanie didn’t sugar-coat it. ‘Does Jamie know?’
Katie shook her head. ‘I snuck back in while he was still asleep.’
‘Does Frank know?’
‘No, he left at midnight and he tried to get me to go home with him, but I was in “party Katie” mode and I wanted more fun. I’m pathetic, I know I am.
’ She covered her face with her hands. ‘I have no one to blame but my thick self. I ordered the shots. Why didn’t I go home with Frank?
I’m such an idiot. I put my marriage at risk.
I love Jamie. I love him more than anything and my kids too.
I’m so lucky, how could I risk all that? ’
‘Do you remember anything about the night?’ Melanie asked.
‘I’m getting little flashbacks – I remember thinking the drummer was cute and he was being very flirty and I have to admit I enjoyed the attention.
I felt young again, not like a thirty-five-year-old mum of two.
I got high on the attention and drank more.
What an idiot. Who does that? Who gets so out of it that they end up in bed with a stranger?
I have such a good life. I made a very conscious decision in my early twenties to move away from my wild friends.
I knew what I wanted, and I didn’t want chaos.
I wanted a solid and stable life. How could I do something so terrible? ’
Amanda felt sorry for her sister-in-law because she was so upset, but a part of her judged Katie harshly.
It was as if she had a self-destruct button.
Here was Amanda, trying so hard to make her marriage work despite being cheated on and humiliated, and Katie, who had everything, was risking it all for ‘fun’.
Why couldn’t people see when they had a good thing going on?
A good partner, a lovely family? Why all this running about looking for something else?
Did they even know what they were looking for?
Amanda was digging deep to find empathy, but it was hard.
She stayed quiet while she sorted through her feelings.
‘Katie, the root of all this is alcohol.’ Melanie said it straight.
‘I know,’ Katie said miserably, ‘but I never usually black out when I drink. I usually just get giddy.’
‘And you slur, and you fall over too, in front of clients.’ Melanie wasn’t holding back.
Amanda thought of the times she’d been with Katie and, apart from swimming, Katie had always had a drink in her hand.
The family lunches always ended up with Katie being pretty smashed.
Whenever Amanda and Ross had come home for Christmas, Katie had always been buzzing then too.
She used to see her sister-in-law only once or twice a year but, truth be told, she’d never seen Katie sober at a family event.
She was rarely messy, but she was always a bit drunker than anyone else.
‘I … Well, I find I drink more now than I used to.’
‘How much would you drink in a normal week? Be honest,’ Melanie asked.
Katie paused. ‘I dunno, I suppose Jamie and I share a bottle of wine a night. Maybe two on Fridays.’ She blushed.
‘Would you both drink the same amount?’ Melanie continued.
‘I guess I drink faster than him, and I’m the one who usually opens the second bottle.’
‘What about the weekends?’
‘We try to go out every Saturday night, to keep our relationship fresh and be a couple. We go for dinner, drinks, maybe a club. I suppose we’d have wine and vodkas, maybe some cocktails.’
Jesus, that was a lot. Amanda would be smashed after four drinks.
‘Katie, that’s a huge amount,’ Amanda said. ‘Have you always drunk this much?’
Katie sniffed. ‘No, it seems to have crept up.’
‘When did you start drinking?’ Amanda asked.
Katie pulled the sleeves of her sweatshirt down over her hands.
‘Well, I had my first drink when I was thirteen. My mum was dead and I’d just got my period.
I couldn’t ask my dad for help. I was full of hormones and feeling lost. I couldn’t handle the pain of missing her.
I tried self-harming, but it hurt too much.
I’m such a wuss.’ She laughed bitterly. ‘So, I drank. It helped to numb the pain.’
Amanda felt her anger and judgement of Katie evaporate.
Her sister-in-law’s relationship with alcohol clearly went much deeper than she’d imagined.
Amanda hadn’t realized how much Katie had suffered, losing her mother at such a young age.
She always seemed so bubbly and sunny-side-up, but underneath there was a lost little girl who desperately missed her mum.
‘That must have been very difficult for you. Do you think drink has become a way to manage things in your life?’ Melanie was sympathetic but clinical.
Katie sat back in her chair. ‘I guess so. I always do have a drink after a long day, or a difficult day with a tricky client, or if the kids are being annoying, or if I’m just feeling a bit low.
’ She looked down at her hands. ‘I even had a drink before you guys arrived to help steady my nerves.’ She looked up, her eyes wet.
‘When I’m saying it now … it’s all the time.
I didn’t even realize. I suppose I see alcohol as something that’s not that bad.
It’s not like I’m doing drugs or anything.
My dad drank every day after work. He was no shining example of parenthood and he drank because he was sad and lonely, but he never missed work or was abusive or nasty to anyone, least of all me.
He was just broken-hearted about my mum dying and alcohol helped.
I started drinking most nights after I got my period.
It used to help me sleep. I kept having the same nightmare over and over …
and then I’d wake up and realize it wasn’t a nightmare, my mother was dead and I’d never see her again.
Even now I can’t go to sleep without a drink, ever. ’
‘But, Katie,’ Amanda said, ‘alcohol is a drug, one of the most addictive and abused ones, especially in Ireland.’
‘I just never thought it was.’ Katie stared at Amanda, tears streaming down her cheeks.
Amanda reached out to hold her hand. ‘Hey, it’s okay, you’ve had a lot to deal with. I never knew how lonely your childhood was. You always seem so happy and together, and you and Jamie are such a brilliant couple. I always envied your closeness.’
‘And now you see I’m just a basket case and a terrible wife, a cheating drunk.’
‘Don’t say that. You’re human and we all make mistakes,’ Melanie said. ‘I was tempted to sleep with Petrus. If he hadn’t been such an idiot, I might well have.’
‘Really?’ Amanda was shocked. Melanie, the straight, driven, never-put-a-foot-wrong agent, was tempted to cheat? Was everyone in this family okay about cheating? Was she the only one who thought it was morally wrong and a horrible thing to do to your spouse?
‘I’m sorry, that was insensitive of me to admit it, with everything that’s going on between Ross and Ruby.’ Melanie realized her mistake too late. ‘It was just a moment of madness and nothing happened.’
‘I’m sorry too, Amanda. I’m not a cheat, I swear. I love my family. I’d die for them and I’ve put all that at risk. I honestly think I’m going to have a nervous breakdown from the guilt and all I want right now is a drink. Isn’t that awful?’
Katie was truly heartbroken. Amanda patted her arm.
‘Look, it’s how we handle our mistakes that matters.
You were a lost, grief-struck young girl who got into a bad habit that she never got out of.
But I think cutting out alcohol would do you a power of good.
It would clear your mind and help you make smarter decisions. ’
‘I agree,’ Melanie said. ‘If you weren’t drunk that night, you wouldn’t have gone back to that guy’s room and you wouldn’t have fallen over in front of clients and you wouldn’t have called Nancy a poisonous bitch. Alcohol is not your friend. It’s causing you nothing but trouble.’
Katie wiped her eyes with a tissue. ‘God, you’re so right. I’ve become a nasty, messy drunk and it’s affecting all aspects of my life. That’s it. I’m never drinking again.’
Amanda thought Katie was na?ve to assume she’d be able simply to stop a habit of a lifetime. ‘You’ll need help. I think you should go to counselling to get over the alcohol dependency and also to work through your childhood traumas.’
‘I agree. You can’t do this on your own, Katie, you need professional help.’
Katie nodded. ‘I’ll do anything to stop.’
‘I’ve just found a really good therapist for Theo. She came highly recommended. She specializes in addiction and trauma. Theo’s only had one session, and I had to drag him there, but he said she was really good. Why don’t you book in with her?’
‘I’m so glad Theo’s getting some help. I’d love to see her too. Send me the details.’
Amanda shared them with Katie.
‘Contact her now,’ Melanie urged. ‘You need to have a date sorted or you might change your mind and back out.’
Katie typed an email requesting an urgent appointment. ‘I swear to you both that I will do everything I can to be a better person, mum and wife. I will never risk my beautiful family for a bender or to feel young again. Ever. This is rock bottom and I am done.’
‘Are you going to tell Jamie?’ Melanie asked.
‘I’m scared to.’ Katie’s eyes filled again. ‘He’s already cross with me and I’m afraid he’ll walk out.’
‘He will never do that. He adores you,’ Amanda said. ‘And in my experience, being honest is so much better than letting him find out. It’s the most awful feeling to know you have been lied to. It makes it all so much worse.’
‘I agree, and you don’t have to give him all the details, just say you passed out on the couch and woke up clothed, but you realize that you could have done something really stupid and that’s why you’re giving up drinking,’ Melanie suggested.
‘Okay, I’ll do that. I’ll have to tell him something. He’ll be well surprised when I become a Pioneer overnight.’
Amanda put her arm around Katie. ‘It will be hard, but it’s the right thing to do and your life will be better without drink. No hangovers, no shouting at mothers-in-law, no cut knees …’
‘No love bites to hide with concealer,’ Melanie added.
Katie groaned. ‘What man over sixteen does that? It’s fading quickly, thank God.’
‘I used to put toothpaste on mine to hide them,’ Amanda said.
‘I put Sudocrem on mine.’ Melanie laughed. ‘But my mum still spotted them.’
‘Thank God for strong concealer.’ Katie half smiled.
‘Okay, you have a plan in place and we’re here for you. Onwards and upwards. I have to fly.’ Melanie gave Katie a hug and swept out of the door.
Katie fell back on the couch, hugging her legs to her chest. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever felt so tired. I feel weary in my bones.’
Amanda knew that feeling. It was how she’d felt when she’d found out about Ross’s affair and love child, then about Theo.
‘I know. Everything seems like a mountain to climb, but I promise it’ll get easier.
You have to stop drinking, though, or it’ll ruin your life.
Whenever you feel like a drink, call me and we’ll go for a swim or a walk or just chat. ’
Katie took Amanda’s hands in hers and looked into her eyes.
‘Three months ago I never would have imagined that you’d be my person in a crisis, but you have been incredible.
You could have judged me, but you didn’t, and I do know that this situation is hard for you.
I am so grateful, honestly. You’ve been a true friend. ’
‘We’re family.’
‘Yeah, I guess we are.’
‘Besides,’ Amanda added, ‘you’ve been really kind to me about Nancy and Ross and the baby and you told me about Theo, which was so important. We’ve had a big chat and we’re putting everything in place to support him.’
‘He’ll be fine. He has the best mother.’
Amanda smiled. ‘Thanks, that means a lot.’ She stood up to go. ‘Don’t forget our reading lesson on Friday morning.’
‘Are you sure you want to take this on?’
‘Absolutely. I’m delighted to help.’
Katie hugged her again. ‘You’re the best. You and Melanie are the sisters I never had.’
‘You’re the best friends I never had,’ Amanda replied, and she meant it. They were.