Milàn #2
“It was a heart attack. I hadn’t talked to him in years, so I don’t know if there were signs.” I blow out a breath. “Sorry for dumping all of this on you.” I rub my hand over my head. “This probably sounds pretty damn pathetic to you.”
“What do you mean?”
I wave my palm up and down him. “I don’t know if you know this, but you seem very much in control of your life.”
He hums thoughtfully. “I think as humans we’re all pretty much a mess. Just that it comes with spikes in messiness. You’re catching me at one of my better moments.”
I look down at my feet and shake my head before I glance at him again. “I don’t believe you.”
“I had a baby at fifteen,” he says dryly.
“There have been a lot of messy moments between then and now. A plethora of parenting fails that you will never have to commit with Rory. Everything from locking your baby inside the house by accident and then having to break in through the side window while the paranoid lady from across the street calls the cops on you, to dropping a plate of pancakes on your kid’s head. ”
I snort out a laugh.
Jordan grins at me. “The glamorous life of a single parent.”
On the field, the kids have divided into two teams.
“What happened to Theo’s mom?” I ask.
Jordan’s gaze locks somewhere on the distance.
“Life got in the way,” he says, but doesn’t explain what happened.
I’m curious, but I don’t want to drive him away. Speaking to him—or, more accurately, dumping all my problems on him—has been the most human I’ve felt in a long while.
“You don’t have to tell me,” I say. “It’s personal. I get it.”
He scrubs his fingers through his hair and squints thoughtfully.
“Eh. Tit for tat, I suppose. It’s not a very interesting story.
We met when we were in first grade, Kira and me.
She was the most serious-looking girl I’d ever seen.
Very determined and very opinionated. Forced to grow up very quickly because she had her little brother to take care of and their mom was about as flaky as they come.
We hit it off. Best friends from the start, then middle school sweethearts.
I don’t know if we even went on a single proper date.
We just did everything together. She was my first everything.
First kiss. First love. First… other things,” he says, corners of his lips tipping up slightly before he rolls his eyes.
“I figured she was it for me. Then she got pregnant.” He stares into the distance, transported into some other moment in time.
It takes him a minute to return. He sends me a mirthless grin.
“It’s scary as shit. I imagine it’s scary as shit even if you plan to have a kid.
If it happens at fifteen and without a plan…
” He shakes his head and shrugs. “We were both kids, which in our case translated into idiots, so we hid the pregnancy from everybody and sort of pretended it wasn’t happening.
Remy—that’s my dad, he eventually figured it out and sat us both down.
By then it was already so late that we were out of all options other than having a kid, so Theo was born.
Kira was ready to give him up for adoption, but…
It was like love at first sight for me. I had no idea what I was doing, I just knew that this little bundle of blankets was my little boy, and I didn’t trust anybody else with him, and it was up to me to give him the best possible life. I’ve been trying ever since.”
He spreads his arms wider, hands clutching the edge of the railing.
“I’d like to think we were on the same page in the beginning.
We tried to make it work. For a while. And then we ended.
With a college acceptance email on a laptop screen.
” He gives another one of those mirthless laughs.
“I was supposed to see it. She got angry at me and said I was snooping. I wasn’t.
She wanted me to see it. Because, like with everything by that point in time, Kira and I lived in two different realities.
“In hers, we were high school sweethearts. And how do those stories usually end? With college acceptance letters to schools on different sides of the country, or at the very least, in different states. And sure, we’d promise to ‘make it work,’ but in the end we’d do the long-distance thing until Christmas break if we were lucky, cry a bit—more for the nostalgia of all those firsts we’d shared than the relationship itself—and call it quits.
And years down the line, we’d remember each other fondly from time to time. ”
He glances at me with the kind of wistfulness in his eyes that only comes with experience. The kind life imprints on you.
“In mine… in mine we had a son. In mine we were connected for all eternity no matter what.” He presses his lips into a thin line for a second before he meets my gaze.
“I don’t want to make it sound like leaving us was on her.
She stayed for a while, and I was perfectly aware that this wasn’t what she had planned for herself.
It’s just… I wanted Theo. He was mine. And anyway, Kira was always the more ambitious one.
The smarter one. The realist. And I knew just as well as she did that she’d do great things provided she got a chance.
She said we’d do long-distance. Never mind that you can’t be in a long-distance relationship with a three-year-old.
I said we’d go with her, but… Well, the acceptance letter wasn’t an obstacle to cross for the three of us.
She’d already made up her mind. She was just clueing me in on the plan. ”
He exhales and stares into the distance, lost in the memories for a minute before he snaps out of it. He squares his shoulders and gives me a self-deprecating smile. “How’s that for messy?”
I study him for a moment before I shake my head. “I have to be honest with you, you’re doing an abysmal job showing it. Could you maybe at least try to look a bit more like a failure instead of whatever this Captain Competence thing is you’ve got going on?”
That earns me another laugh. I smile as I watch him.
“I invite you to watch me try to tie a tie. I’ve been taught numerous times, and I’ve watched videos. I can’t do it. That should disillusion you about this supposed competence I’ve accidentally displayed.”
I roll my eyes. “That’s not a flaw. It’s a cute quirk at best. I can’t do a handstand.”
“My sense of direction is terrible. I can get lost while using a GPS.”
“You’re definitely terrible at this game,” I say.
“Well, there you go,” he says.
“Still not really helpful. See, my only job is to be a guardian, and I’m failing on every front.”
I look down at where I’m clutching the railing and wish I hadn’t said that.
I don’t honestly know where any of the things I’ve told Jordan even came from.
This is not what I do. I don’t open up to people, even the ones I’ve known for a long time.
My entire purpose in life is to not let myself rely on others.
Somehow the words just started coming and never stopped.
Jordan leans closer, pressing his shoulder against mine.
“Hey,” he says, “I’m not gonna pretend to know what the right thing to do here is, but give yourself some time.
Three months is not a long time to get used to this kind of major change, for either you or Rory.
Kids, they take time. Trust takes time. Effort, too.
You’re here. When they called from school, I bet you dropped everything and were there for Rory.
I know I did, and you were there before me.
It’s all those little things that matter in the end.
It’ll just take some time for Rory to trust that somebody’s there for him if he hasn’t had it before. ”
I drag my fingers through my hair and make a face.
“See, I know what you’re saying makes sense, but I’m at his punishment practice with him nowhere to be found.
” It registers a second too late what I’ve just said, and I wince.
“Not that I’m saying being here right now is punishment for me.
It’s honestly pretty damn nice being here. ”
Jordan starts to laugh again and nudges me with his shoulder. “That cut deep. You’re probably gonna have to make it up to me by helping me lug all the equipment away from the field once the practice is done.”
I look at him and chuckle. “I can do that.”
“I knew this deal would end up being useful for me.” He tips his head toward the field. “Come on. They’ll be done in about ten minutes or so, and then it’s our time to shine.”
I walk down the set of stairs after Jordan, and we end up standing in a small crowd of parents that have gathered by the edge of the grass. Jordan says his hellos and introduces me to so many people that I’m not even going to pretend to remember their names or who their kids are.
People smile at him and stop to chat, and somehow it seems aside from giving sage life advice, Jordan’s also kept an eye on the practice, because he’s able to discuss the performance of each kid with the parent.
“You have a lot of coaches on that field,” I say when we’ve moved through the crowd of parents and are standing on the sidelines again.
He shakes his head. “Mick is also coaching the local high school boys, so he usually has a few of them hanging around here he’ll use for the drills.”
“What’s your job, then?”
“The rest of us just do the boring stuff nobody else wants to do.”
“Like cleaning up after?”
“You’re catching on fast.”
On the field, the team has gathered around the guy I’m guessing is Mick.
He’s an older bald dude, I’d say in his sixties, probably, but he’s tall and looks like he lives in the gym.
He’s dressed in a black tracksuit, a whistle hanging from his neck.
The boys all listen to him avidly while he talks and nod along to whatever he’s saying.
He sends them off a few minutes later. A few of the boys stay and keep talking. Theo is in that group, too.