Chapter Eighteen
Kael
Karina fell asleep on my lap, likely from indulging in afternoon tequila shots. I had so much on my mind that it was impossible to consider even closing my eyes. I tried it and heard her father’s voice, begging me to take her with me to Atlanta. I could still smell the coffee on his breath as I blinked away the thought. How the fuck was I going to bring this up to her? We were in such a good place and the last thing I wanted to do was fuck that up, but her staying here, if it was as bad as her dad made it seem, wasn’t safe.
My life had gone from so slow and repetitive, being concerned only for my ma and my sister, to a web of chaos. Even Phillips, the unstable yet stable ticking time bomb, had become a direct threat to the people I loved. It was hard to reconcile that he was now on the other side, the enemies’ side, as demonstrated by him pulling a gun out in front of Karina. I had spent years of my life trying to save his, to keep him alive, and now just wanted him to disappear, even if that meant death.
My phone vibrated in my pocket. I dipped my hand in and silenced it, then gently moved Karina’s sleeping body to lean against the pillows on her couch. Her eyes moved behind her lids but they didn’t open. Her lips parted slightly, and she made a humming noise. I covered her with the blanket from the back of the couch and pulled my phone out of my pocket. It was my ma. I made my way back to Karina’s room and closed the door behind me before I called her back.
“Hey, Ma, sorry I missed your call,” I said, sitting on Karina’s unmade bed.
“You’ve been missing my calls a hell of a lot lately,” she told me. I could practically see her eyes rolling back in her head as she spoke. “How are you? What’s been going on?”
“Not much,” I lied through my damn teeth. “Getting ready for my discharge and move. Same old, same old. How are you? How’s Tay? I haven’t talked to her in a while either.”
Outside of a few texts here and there, I had barely spoken to my sister. I guess I had been more distracted than I realized.
“She’s either at school or studying for school.” She paused and I imagined my sister the last time I saw her, around her birthday, and smiled, remembering her kicking my ass in some trivia game she was obsessed with. Fucking genius; thank god one of us was.
“She got herself a tutoring job. Pays well and you know she loves to keep her face in a book.” My ma’s voice cut off at the end, bursting into a fit of coughing.
“You still have that cough? It’s been what? Months?”
“Oh hush. It went away for a while, it just came back,” she told me. “When are you coming to visit? It’s been over a year and you’re only a couple of hours away. I haven’t seen my son since you’ve been home from Afghanistan.” I could hear the sadness in my ma’s voice, the longing to see me. I didn’t have an excuse, except the one I couldn’t say to her.
“Uh . . . I’m sorry. I’ll—”
“Kael? Are you still here?” Karina’s voice filled the hallway and the room.
“Who’s that? Is that a woman?” my mom asked. Fuck me.
“Yeah, it is . . . I’m in here,” I called to Karina.
“Oh, thank goodness. I woke up and thought you left!” Karina’s cheeks were red and her eyes were wild with fear.
I dropped my hand with the phone in it and reached for her. “I’m here, I came in here to call my ma back. You were only asleep for a few minutes,” I told her.
She looked down at my phone and I picked it back up, realizing my mom was still on the line and that I should have muted the phone or hung up.
“Kael, are you seeing someone? Who is that?” my mom asked three times in a row.
She wasn’t the nosy type, but I’m sure my ma, who had never, ever seen me so much as in the same room as a woman, was shocked to say the least.
“No. I mean, yeah. I am. Sorry, I’ll call you back. Love you.” I hung up and tossed my phone on the bed like it was on fire.
“What on earth was that about?” Karina’s brows bunched together. Her expression was a mix of skepticism and curiosity. She seemed slightly amused at my obvious panic.
I felt like a thirteen-year-old boy hiding a girl from his mother.
“I don’t know. I never talk to her about girls.” The heat was spreading across my face and uncomfortably down my neck.
Karina’s smile burst across her face. “Kael Martin, are you nervous right now?” She moved toward me, then sat on my lap, her impossibly large smile growing somehow. “What is this? You’re being so cute.” She laughed.
I laid down against the bed and covered my face with one of her pillows. Thank god for her messy bed, making the pillows within reach. She grabbed a hold it, trying to pry it away from my face.
“You’re embarrassed! I never thought I’d see the day when you’re shaken up like this. How freaking adorable!” she squealed, clearly enjoying herself at my expense.
“Having fun, are you?” I moved the pillow, throwing it to the floor. She nodded, covering her laughter with her hand.
I gripped her hips, yanking her forward. Her hair fell onto my face and her breath caught in her throat in surprise. She audibly gulped as I dug my fingers into the soft flesh of her waist.
“Hmm? Not so funny now?” I whispered into her mouth, our lips almost touching. I lifted my hips, pressing my hardening cock against the apex of her thighs.
Quiet and wide-eyed, she shook her head. I tucked her hair behind one ear and brought my mouth to it.
“Nothing to say?” I licked the base of her ear and she moaned, her body melting against mine.
I fucking loved the noises she made every time I touched her. Sucking on her earlobe, I lifted one hand under the back of her shirt, unclasping her bra as I dipped my tongue down to her neck and bit her hard enough to leave a mark but soft enough to make her soak through her panties.
I pulled her sweatshirt over her head, and she lifted herself up awkwardly to pull her pants off. I gripped her wrists to stop her. I wanted to do it. Undressing her slowly was one of my greatest pleasures. Watching her eyes roll back and hearing her breath hitching and panting in anticipation of my touch filled me with indescribable satisfaction. Staring at her naked body was arguably better than fucking her. She shivered as I lifted her back on top of me, sliding her onto my cock.
Pink-and-orange light from the fall sunset cast across her face as she moved her hips, bringing us both closer to heaven. The light hit her skin so beautifully, making the little marks that she always complained about glow. Her eyelashes brushed against her cheek, golden and angelic, making me lose control. Her hands gripped my shoulders as she came, sounds of pleasure pouring out of her as she ground down on my cock. I pressed my thumb against her clit as it pulsed, throbbing as she came down from the high.
“God, you’re so fucking beautiful,” I said, tensing and releasing my entire body and soul into her. She collapsed on my chest, and I ran my fingertips up and down her back as it moved rapidly.
The sun had fallen by the time we caught our breath.
“Well, that was—” she finally said when I thought she was asleep.
I smiled even though she couldn’t see my face. Her cheek was pressed against my bare chest, her hair a wild nest around us. “I should tease you more often,” she told me, lifting her face.
I caressed her cheek slowly with one hand. “No, you should not. I went easy on you, this time,” I threatened playfully.
“It really was so cute seeing you all embarrassed.”
“Stop saying cute ,” I groaned, and she giggled, making my hand move with her cheek.
She was quiet for a moment, staring into my eyes. I could feel a question growing in hers and wasn’t surprised when she asked, “Did you not tell your mom about me?”
I cupped her cheek with my hand. “I don’t tell my ma, or anyone, anything about me. Or you.”
“Hmph. Sounds about right.”
“It’s not for any reason other than that’s how I am. I’ve never introduced her to a woman before, even when I was young.”
Karina’s mouth flew open. “You knew other women before me?” She mocked me in disgust, and my body shook with laughter.
“No, no.” I shook my head. “Of course not. You’re the first woman I’ve ever even spoken to.” I kissed her soft, wet lips and she smiled, nodding as she kissed me again.
“Good,” she said, kissing me a third time, this one lasting a bit longer.
After a few moments I told her that my mom had asked me when I was going to come visit her.
“It’s only a little ways away, right? You could go there on a weekend, couldn’t you?”
I nodded. “Technically, yes.”
“Why don’t you?”
Sighing, I attempted to make sense of my reasoning. Karina wouldn’t judge me, but would she understand? Maybe not, but she would try.
“It’s hard to explain, but I realized I’ve been avoiding seeing my mom since I enlisted. I haven’t seen her since I got back.”
“Oh.” She stared at me, gathering her thoughts. “I guess I knew that because I’ve been with you most of the time since you came home. It’s not because of me, is it?”
I shook my head. “No. I’ve been like this since before I met you. I want her to remember the son she was proud to raise. The boy who never got in trouble and wouldn’t hurt a fly. Not a man who has taken lives . . . not a man who has blood on his hands and shadows in his mind.”
Karina sat up on one elbow and leaned onto my chest, bringing her face to mine. “I know she’s so proud of you. Anyone would be. You’re still the same boy she knew and loved even if you’ve been through things that most people can’t imagine. And you’ve handled them better than anyone could have expected. I’m proud of the man you are, and I would be so proud if my son grew up to be the same kind of person.”
I could barely stand the overwhelming emotions her words brought on. Shame and relief danced together, both confusing and consoling me.
“I’m not the boy she raised anymore. I’ve changed, and done so many things she would recoil at the thought of. I can’t ignore that, and I’m not sure if I can hide it around her.”
“Oh, Kael, that’s not true. She’s your mom, she will be so happy to see you, I’m sure of it. You should go. It will be good for both of you. Don’t you miss her?”
What a complicated question. Of course I missed her, but the son she missed wasn’t me, not anymore. He died on the battlefield in Kabul. I didn’t want to ruin the idea of the boy she raised, but I knew she missed me like crazy. This was the first time I hadn’t seen her the moment I got home. The more time that passed, the easier it was to disassociate from the guilt I felt for being a poor excuse for a son.
“It’s more complicated than me missing my mom,” I explained.
“There’s nothing less complicated than a mother’s love,” she told me, brushing her fingertips along my jawline. “My family excluded, obviously. Also, helloooo? Look how fucked up everything is around us. Elodie, my brother, literally everything is a mess and, for once, maybe we should run away for a night and leave tomorrow’s problems for tomorrow?”
“That’s very unlike us,” I reminded her.
There was a small twitch in her lips, the dark humor of hers that I loved. “I wish my mom wanted to see me,” she added. My chest sank.
Was I being selfish to whine about how my guilt was keeping me from seeing my ma, in front of Karina out of all people? Yeah, yeah, I was being selfish toward her and my ma, my sister, myself.
I wrapped my arms around her back, squeezing her body to mine. I kissed her forehead and hugged her again. I wasn’t sure if I would regret it but I asked, “Do you want to go with me? To see my ma?”
Her head popped up, excitement clear in her bright eyes. They were the color of spring grass today.
“Really?”
“Yeah. I’m not sure how good of an idea it is for me to go, but I know I’ll feel better if you’re with me.”
Karina made an exaggerated noise like a squeal and climbed on top of me. She pressed her forehead to mine and wrapped her hands around my biceps.
“Let’s go,” she said eagerly.
Whether it was from being excited to meet my family or wanting to put together one more piece of the puzzle of my life, her happiness was contagious, and I found myself looking forward to her being in my old town, in my old house. The past and present mixing was not something I usually welcomed, but I would do almost anything for Karina and my ma.