Chapter Thirty-three
Karina
When I arrived at the Mendozas’, I was stuffed full of nerves.
How would things go?
It felt so ridiculous to celebrate Halloween with everything that had happened just a couple of weeks ago. I had practically gone into hiding the last few weeks, only working, sleeping, working, sleeping. I missed the feeling of being surrounded by this group, the first time I had ever found my people. In reality they were Kael’s people, but I was grateful they’d still invited me.
The yard was decorated with fake skulls and headstones and cotton spiderwebs. I briefly thought of my mom, but fuck her. She didn’t get to represent Halloween anymore. She was probably having the time of her life—childless, no responsibilities, living her life with her new boyfriend, pretending I didn’t exist—so I should try my best to do the same. My Uber driver wished me a good night as I adjusted my dress and glanced at my reflection in the window one more time before I climbed out of the car. My face was painted red with black circles around my eyes and thin gray lines across my face from my forehead to my chin. I was a demon, but not a cute one—an angry one. The face paint had definitely looked better in my head, and Pinterest hadn’t been as much help as I’d hoped, but there I was, red face and all, walking up their sidewalk.
The music wasn’t as loud as I thought it would be. Drake played through the windows, and I tried my best to stand up straight as I knocked on the door. I could have rung the bell, but that kind of attention seemed overstimulating to say the least.
“Who’s knocking? Come the hell in!” Mendoza’s voice sounded through the door.
I turned the knob, wondering if they actually wanted me there or if I was making a fool of myself by showing up, but it was too late. I was already in the living room. I spotted Gloria first, dressed as a witch, the sexiest one I had ever seen. The slit on her black dress went all the way up her thigh to show her exposed hip. Her mesh stockings left little to the imagination and she was wearing at least five-inch heels. Black-and-silver eyeliner feathered out like wings traced around her oval eyes.
“Karina, baby!” she cooed, rushing toward me with a clear cup full of red liquid.
The interior of the house was decorated too; red, orange, and black balloons touched the ceiling and there were carved pumpkins everywhere. Some of them were colorful and some plain.
“Wow, you look awesome!” I told her. The tension I thought would exist between us was nowhere to be found as she wrapped her arms around me.
“Thank you. I was supposed to be Morticia but the kids fought me too much to match, and with everything going on, I said fuck it and morphed into a sexy witch instead.” She rolled her eyes. “You look scary as hell by the way.” She laughed, her high ponytail whipping around us.
“I think I went a little too far,” I admitted, a little embarrassed as I looked around the room to see that every woman there was dressed in some version of sexy.
She touched the fabric of my black floor-length gown and shook her head.
“You look great. Plus, if I see one more fucking sexy nurse, I’m going to gouge my eyeballs out.”
“You made it. Happy Halloween, almost Thanksgiving.” Mendoza rolled near me in his wheelchair.
I would never get used to the guilt I felt knowing he would likely be confined to that chair for the rest of his life, but there was nothing I could do to change that. Confined wasn’t the right word, and I had no way of knowing how Mendoza felt, but I knew how privileged I was even to have the thought. I would make sure I found the right way to discuss this so I was as educated as I could be and not hurt anyone unintentionally with my words.
He looked lively, from the flush in his cheeks to his wide smile. He was wearing a white T-shirt with big green eyeballs on it. It took me a second to realize what his costume was. A brown fabric square was draped over his chair. White teeth were glued to the front. A plastic hook was attached to the back.
“I’m Mater,” he said in a fake Southern accent. “From Cars , you know?”
“Oh my god.” I didn’t know how to react.
I wanted to laugh but felt horrible doing so. It was so creative, and the more I looked at it, I could tell that Gloria had spent a lot of time making it. I was sure the kids loved it.
“What? It’s fucking perfect.” He honked the makeshift horn on his costume, and I covered my mouth.
“It really is,” I agreed, letting myself laugh with him.
“I made it myself. It ruined our family costume, but this is pretty good, right?” Gloria asked, hooking her arm around her husband. She kissed his cheek, and he stuck his tongue out to lick her lips as she pulled away.
She playfully swatted at him and he grabbed her wrist, bringing it to his mouth, gently biting her skin. I looked away, my cheeks warm. Despite how lonely I was and would continue to be, I didn’t feel even a ping of jealousy around them. Over time I would come to terms with the fact that I wasn’t as lovable as I desperately wanted to be. What a monumental realization to have at such a young age. I knew if I said it aloud whoever was listening would roll their eyes, tell me I had my whole life ahead of me, and promise that someday I would find my true love. What if that wasn’t what I wanted? Was the taste of being loved addictive? Sure, but the pain that came with it didn’t feel worth it to me anymore, and I couldn’t imagine spending my entire life trying to prove to myself and someone else that I was capable of being loved and hoping that they didn’t betray me. Not every story is a fairy tale, not every person has their person. Speaking of pain, there he was.
Kael was sitting on the edge of the couch, staring straight ahead. He wasn’t in a costume, which didn’t surprise me in the least. Dressed in a beige Henley, light-wash jeans, and his usual stark-white sneakers, he hadn’t seemed to notice me arrive, not that he should, but of course I wished he would have. Together or not, we were supposed to be soul mates. His body was supposed to know when I was around, his skin was supposed to crackle, missing my touch, and his heart was supposed to ache knowing that he would never touch me again.
All that being said, he stared at the wall like he couldn’t have cared less who came and went, even me. It was childish and narcissistic to care or expect anything from him, but I couldn’t help it. Even in death, I would wish for him to notice me.
It had been a little over two weeks since I saw him last. Halloween had come and gone, too, but since Mendoza was still recovering, we’d all agreed to wait and celebrate the holiday together. No one had been expecting Kael and me to break up, again, but neither of us would ever cause a scene, not under these circumstances. I couldn’t stop staring at him, waiting for him to look up at me. What did I want him to do when he looked at me? I didn’t have a clue, but I needed him to. Momentarily I forgot that I was painted red and couldn’t find anyone else in the room dressed in a scary costume. I felt like Lindsay Lohan’s character in Mean Girls when she shows up at the costume party and everyone is dressed as Playboy Bunnies and sexy versions of everything under the sun.
Kael took a drink of his beer and finally lifted his eyes. Confusion flashed across his face as he took me in, then a bit of humor lifted the corner of his mouth. He nodded to me like we were old pals, not lovers, and I couldn’t decide if that was what I wanted or not. I’d been the one to initiate the breakup, and I knew I’d done the right thing, but it hadn’t been long enough for me to be capable of pretending I was over it. I would love him for the rest of my life, that was evident. Our book was nearly closed, and as a romance lover, I hated third-act breakups, but unfortunately for me, I was living one.
I nodded back, lifting my drink cup to him. He did the same with his beer bottle and went back to staring ahead. Even though that was what I’d asked for, it felt fucking awful. My brother’s voice interrupted my pity party as he and Elodie came through the front door and into the living room. Elodie was dressed as a mouse, wearing a light-blue onesie and big floppy mouse ears. Her face was painted, the tip of her nose pink, and white whiskers splayed across her cheeks. She looked freaking adorable, all belly and costume. My brother was dressed as a chef, and it clicked. They were dressed as Remy and Alfredo from Ratatouille .
Elodie rushed to me to hug and double-kiss me. “What a cute idea. And what a hard launch as a couple! Couple costumes and all?” I smiled at her. It felt good to see her smiling.
“We thought we may as well, everyone on this whole post has heard about us anyway.” She winced but seemed to be handling it pretty well, considering.
Austin hugged me, lifting me off my feet. I swatted at his arms, embarrassed and feeling Kael’s eyes on me again.
“You look fucked up.” My brother laughed. “In a scary way.” He bent down to assess my face paint, smiling from ear to ear.
“Oh, fuck off. It’s a Halloween party, not Disneyland,” I teased him back.
Something about his energy had changed. I had no idea what it was, but something was different. More mature, calmer? He and Elodie had been staying in the free side of Kael’s place for the last week, so my house felt extra-empty. My brother was leaving in a few days and as much as I still didn’t love the idea, it had grown on me now that he would need to have a steady income, health insurance, all the adult things he had never cared about having before Elodie. I hated to admit it, but I was grateful that Kael had pushed him to join the Army. Even the silent confession pissed me off. I stared daggers at Kael, and of course he looked over at me at that exact moment. I looked away quickly, and excused myself from my brother and Elodie, telling them I had to pee.
I found my way to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. The breath of relief that fell out of me felt like a lifetime of anxiety being released from my body. I leaned against the sturdy doorframe, reminding myself of a breathing technique I’d seen on Instagram. I closed my eyes and thought, I breathe in, I breathe out , until my breath steadied and I could feel my feet grounding into the tile floor.
The sound of the party outside quieted and my heart rate slowed. If I hadn’t met Kael and he was simply another stranger here, everything would be fine. Still, if I hadn’t met him, I wouldn’t know anyone here, and I wouldn’t have a friendship with Gloria. I also wouldn’t know what it felt like to feel so deeply understood by another person. There was a silver lining after all, even though it fucking hurt to see him acting so casually. Seeing him at all would hurt anyway, but him acting like a stranger was too much. What if someone hit on him? What if one of the sexy nurses or the blond dressed as a hot version of Alice in Wonderland approached him? The thought made me sick.
I gathered myself enough to move away from the door and look in the mirror. My own reflection scared the crap out of me, black and red and utterly freaking ridiculous. I laughed, full-on Joker style. I washed my hands and opened the bathroom door, jumping out of my skin at the sight of Kael towering over me.
“Oh my god!” My hand flew toward him but I stopped before it hit his chest. “You scared the shit out of me.”
“Sorry.” He lazily moved his shoulders up and down.
“What are you doing here?”
“Here as in the party, or the bathroom?”
Of course he would play semantics with me. “Bathroom.”
“I was planning on using it for its intended purposes.” He glanced behind me, nodding to the toilet.
How embarrassing. My ego deflated immediately, and my eyes went down to the floor.
“Oh, sorry, I—”
His fingers were warm as he gently held my chin, tilting my face up to look at him. The touch nearly set my body on fire. It was devastating and soothing. Kill me .
“I wanted to make sure you’re okay. I saw you come in here, and you were in there a while. I was worried about you.”
I sighed, shaking my head a little to release his grip. “I’m fine. Overwhelmed by the party and people.” And you.
“I like your costume,” he said calmly.
I was about to thank him when I caught myself smiling like an idiot. “What are we doing? Acting like we’re friends or like we don’t know each other? I can’t do both.”
He looked around us, confused for half a second before he went back to neutral.
“I don’t know. I have to leave that up to you. I told you what I want but I assume you haven’t changed your mind?”
“No. I haven’t.”
“My ma said you called her.”
I snapped my head up. “Yeah, she told me I could call her whenever, so I did.”
“I wasn’t telling you not to. If anything, I’m glad you did.”
“Did she tell you what we talked about?” I asked, my gut telling me she would never, but my mind needed the verbal confirmation.
“No. And even if I asked, she would never tell me, so please don’t worry about that.”
I didn’t know what to make of the way I felt. Being there, standing in the hallway of a party with Kael, was way more calming than roaming around, being forced to be social, but it was incredibly selfish of me to use his presence while keeping him at a distance emotionally.
I wanted so desperately to hug him, to take his hand and run away from our past, the pain we’d caused each other, the lies, but I couldn’t. I had to absorb the deep sting of longing inside of me and swallow it down. I wasn’t meant to be with anyone, and that felt abundantly clear.
“I’m leaving in a few days. I wanted to make sure I was the one who told you.” He caught me by surprise.
I’d known this time was coming but hearing it out loud still wrecked me. I nodded, internally screaming but managing to keep my face straight. “Thanks for telling me. I’m relieved I don’t have to find out another way.” I stared past him when I said it.
I wasn’t trying to rehash anything, but it was true. I would have been much more devastated if I would have heard it through the grapevine, or if he would have just disappeared without a warning.
“I’ll come back to see your brother off, if you’re okay with that. I don’t want to cross your boundaries, but I would love to be there when he leaves for San Antonio for basic.”
Kael was leaving, my brother was leaving, my mother had reappeared and left again. I tried to come to terms with the fact that I was going to be alone again, without Elodie, maybe soon without even my dad.
“Of course you can be there. I’m not going to keep you away from him. I wouldn’t do that.”
Kael nodded and took a small sip of his beer. The music got louder, and the group was obviously getting more intoxicated as the minutes passed. I spotted Elodie and my brother out of the corner of my eye and Kael followed my attention to them.
“I’ll let you get back to the party,” I said to Kael, not knowing what else to say to him. I hated how awkward it felt, but also hated the idea of never seeing him again.
“I don’t want to get back to the party.”
“Me neither, but I don’t know what to say to you. It’s like I’m walking on pins and needles and you must feel the same way. I know you’re sorry, and I accept that, but I don’t want to tempt myself or confuse you, so I need to go. This isn’t fair to you, either, that I’m clinging to you here when you should be enjoying your limited time with your friends,” I rambled away to him like I always did. I didn’t know if I could turn it off once I began, but I was relieved to find that I could still be honest with him.
“There’s no one else I would rather spend time with than you, Karina. Not here in this house, not in this state, not on this fucking planet.”
His words whittled away at the tiny bit of composure I had left. I forced myself to go through the list of reasons why we couldn’t be together, why I couldn’t let his words change my mind, then walked away from him, without a word, without a glance, and kept walking until I found myself at the end of the block, calling an Uber to take me home.