Chapter 11
HARLOW
“Am I overreacting?” I blurt out, one of the decorative pillows from my bed clasped in my hands.
Across the bed, Jameson pauses in folding back the covers.
His hair is damp from a shower. A pair of gray pajamas hanging loosely on his hips and he dons a white t-shirt that reads; I don’t know, I just work here.
The black framed glasses slide down his nose the tiniest bit, and he reaches up automatically to adjust them.
“About what?”
“Those girls.” I set the pillow down, nervously chewing on my lip. “Am I crazy for being irritated by it?”
Jameson doesn’t answer right away, mulling over what he wants to say.
After a moment he says, “No, I don’t think you’re crazy or overreacting.
That’s your daughter and you want to protect her.
But”— I bristle at the word, and he chuckles— “I think you have to accept that with what Spencer does, she is going to get attention from strangers. You are, too.” He gives a small shrug of his shoulders.
“I don’t see Spencer leaving the spotlight anytime soon.
He’s a damn good actor and people like him, so I imagine things will only get worse in the coming years.
It’s probably better to learn to cope with it than pretend it doesn’t exist.”
I pick up the pillow I sleep on and throw it at him. He catches it easily, grinning at me. “I hate it when you’re right.”
“Look”—he tosses the pillow back on the bed— “I’m not telling you that you need to love the attention, and I think boundaries are good.
You don’t have to take pictures with people.
You’re not famous. You didn’t choose this path.
But you and Monroe are going to get recognized from time to time.
It’s probably better to expect the inevitable, than to pretend it’ll never happen. ”
My shoulders droop and I look away. “Most people would eat this shit up, right? Love being famous or knowing someone who is, but I hate it. I wanted things to stay normal. I wanted Roe to have a normal childhood and Spencer…”
I trail off, not wanting to finish my thought because it hurts too much.
Spencer never dreamed of being famous, but we also didn’t plan on being teen parents. He thought he was doing the best thing for us by signing with that agent.
I’m happy with my life now, I really am, but sometimes I wonder if he ever thinks about what might’ve happened with us if he hadn’t signed that original modeling contract, that quickly led to him being cast in TV, and things had remained normal?
Forcing those thoughts from my brain, I climb into bed and Jameson gets in on the other side. Rolling over, I bunch the blankets up to my chin and face him.
He stifles a yawn, giving me a sheepish look. “Work kicked my ass this week. I can’t believe it’s Monday tomorrow, already.”
“I’m sorry.” I frown, tracing the shape of his full lips.
He clutches my hands, placing a gentle kiss on the outside of it below my pinky finger. “You didn’t finish before, you said you wanted a normal childhood for Roe and then you were going to say something about Spencer.”
I roll my eyes up to the ceiling. I shouldn’t be surprised that he caught on to my avoidance. Jae notices everything.
Swallowing past the lump lodged in my throat, I tell him, “Spencer thought he was doing the best thing for Monroe and me. He wanted to take care of us, and he thought if he made a couple hundred bucks modeling then hey, we’d have money for formula and diapers.
I knew he didn’t believe it would go very far, but my gut told me there was a chance he could be successful and I was terrified of how it would change everything.
But he really was just trying to be a good dad and boyfriend. ”
Jameson pulls me closer, wrapping one arm around me so my head rests on his arm and his fingers brush lazily against my shoulder. “He wanted to marry you.”
It’s a statement because he knows this. I’ve always been open and honest about my relationship with Spencer, our past and our present. Spencer is always going to be in my life
“He did.” I trace my finger over the dip between his pectoral muscles. “But I was young, so young, and I didn’t want to get married just because we had a kid together.”
“Do you think that’s the only reason Spencer wanted to marry you? Because you guys had a baby together?”
I bite my lip and then release a slow, shaky breath.
It’s weird to talk about this with Jameson of all people, but I know it’s important that I do.
“I used to. I thought the only reason he was asking me to marry him was because I was pregnant, and then because we had a baby. And I’m sure if I hadn’t gotten pregnant, he wouldn’t have been proposing then, but later…
” I pause, memories flooding me and stupid tears pricking my eyes.
“Later, after I broke up with him, that’s when I realized that he truly wanted to marry me for me.
Because he loved me that much.” I sniffle, wiping away a tear.
I trust Jameson enough to know that me telling him this won’t make him feel insecure, but it’s still not easy to talk about.
“I didn’t realize then that Spencer was already planning out a whole future for us.
One with a wedding, and a house, and jobs, and more babies, and eventually growing old together.
While he was envisioning everything that would come, all I could see was the present and I was afraid of the what ifs. ” I take a breath, gathering myself.
“I didn’t want to marry him just because he was the father of my child.
I was in love with him. He was the first boy I ever loved.
But at that age … I wasn’t sure he was the only boy I’d ever love, you know?
And when I told him that, it’s when I really knew I broke his heart.
” Touching my fingers to Jae’s stubbled jaw, my lower lip trembles.
“He told me all he could see was me, but that obviously I couldn’t see him and he was right.
I didn’t want to feel like I was settling just because I got pregnant so young.
Is that horrible of me? He’s not a bad guy but I didn’t want to be tied down forever just because two lines showed up on a stick. ”
Saying it out loud I feel like such a bitch, but we really were children having a child.
I was no more ready to get married then than I am now.
I remember how scared I was when we were waiting for the test results.
I paced my room while Spencer sat on my bed.
When we checked the test and saw it was positive, he held me while I cried, scared out of my mind.
“Fuck, Harlow. Come here.” Jae wraps both his arms around me, pulling my body fully against his.
Our legs twine together beneath the blankets and he tucks my head beneath his chin.
“It doesn’t make you horrible. You’re right, you were a kid having a kid, and I think it was smart of you to not get married, and I’m not just saying that because I’m selfishly glad I’m the guy who has you today.
You were already going through a major life change.
You didn’t need to add marriage on top of it.
That being said, I don’t think Spencer was coming from a bad place by wanting to marry you. ”
“I know.” And I do know that now. Inhaling a steadying breath, I meet Jameson’s warm brown-eyed gaze. “I don’t want to talk about Spencer anymore.”
He notices the change in my voice and his eyes darken. “What do you want?” His voice has grown deeper.
I wrap my fingers around his neck, pulling his lips a millimeter away from mine. “You.”
His lips meet mine and he rolls my body beneath his.
In seconds, the conversation is forgotten and all that exists is the two of us as our bodies meet.
“Is Daddy taking me to school today?” Monroe stuffs her feet into her sneakers, holding the laces in each hand as she looks up at me with those round blue eyes, the same color as her father’s.
“Not today, sweetie.” I run my fingers through my hair looking for the spot where I left my camera bag.
I pulled it out of my closet this morning—where I keep it on a top shelf out of Monroe’s reach of the expensive equipment—and now my chaotic brain can’t remember where I put it.
I’m off today—a rarity—but only because I put in for it, so I can drive to Stanford to take engagement photos for my sister and Jasper.
It’s months overdue, but none of our schedules lined up and I ended up telling them to let me know when, and I’d make it work.
Photography is my passion; one I discovered ironically after my postpartum depression.
My mom had urged me to try different hobbies until I found one I loved, so I could have something entirely for myself separate from being a mother and student.
Honestly, it was one of the things that saved me most during that time.
At times I still get angry that I had such a struggle after having my baby.
Sure, the timing sucked, but I wanted Roe.
I knew immediately I was keeping her, and even though I was stressed on how to make it work, my parents were supportive, and Spencer was there every step of the way.
In so many ways I was lucky. Girls get kicked out all the time for getting pregnant so young, but my family wasn’t like that.
But none of that mattered, because after I had her my hormones decided to say a big fuck you to me.
Hands on my hips, I turn to Monroe. “Have you seen a black bag anywhere? About this big?” I hold my hands up and then out to demonstrate the size.
She shakes her head. “No. Can I have a Lunchable today?”
“Sure.” I hook my thumb over my shoulder toward the fridge. “Go pick the one you want.”
Retracing my steps back to the bedroom, I search for the bag.
Jameson left early this morning, shortly after I woke up, and I know I hadn’t gotten it down then so calling him to ask if he saw it would do no good.