Chapter 26 Harlow
HARLOW
Jameson settles into the bed beside me with his laptop. I send a questioning glance his way. “What’s with the computer?”
Jae never comes to bed with his computer. He’s always been serious about keeping electronics out of the bedroom. We rarely even use my TV that sits on the dresser.
“I wanted to show you a few houses,” he says, bringing up Zillow.
“Oh?” I arch a brow and sit up. “Why? Are you moving?”
He chuckles and amusement has him squinting behind his glasses. “I thought we could maybe look at some houses together?”
“You were serious about that?” I nearly choke on my own words. “I thought you were kidding.”
“Yeah, I was serious,” he laughs, clearly amused by me.
“Jae,” his name practically sputters out of me. “You have to be kidding.”
His brows furrow and he closes his laptop. His lips open and close as he struggles to figure out something to say. “You’re mad?”
“I’m not mad, but I’m just confused. We haven’t had a proper conversation about this. I can’t afford a house. I don’t have enough in savings for a down payment. I don’t—”
“But I do,” he says. “I’ve been putting money back for a while. I mean, this is California so I won’t be able to afford anything spectacular, at least not yet, but maybe something that’s a bit of a fixer upper that we could turn into a home.”
I feel light-headed.
The bedroom spins around me.
“Jameson,” I gasp his name as I climb out of bed. I pace back and forth in the short length of my room. “No. Just no.”
“Why aren’t you happy about this?” he asks, genuine confusion filling his voice. “I thought … I mean, isn’t this serious between us? I thought a house would make the most sense for us. I’m here most nights anyway and we could have a yard for Monroe.”
I cover my face with my hands and turn away from him before I burst into tears.
This isn’t about him.
It’s about me and the fact that the last thing I want in the world is to be dependent on a man.
It’s why I hated it so much when Spencer started making more than just enough to get by.
The disparity between us felt too vast and I didn’t want to feel indebted to him.
Logically, I know he would’ve never wanted me to feel that way, the same way I know Jameson isn’t thinking of it in that way.
But I can’t help the way I feel. I don’t have much, really nothing I can give to help, it would be his house not mine.
I want things to be equal. Is that so terrible of me?
“Hey, hey,” Jameson soothes, pulling me into his arms and against his chest. “Don’t cry. Please, don’t fucking cry. That’s the last thing I want. I thought this was a good thing. Fuck, I’m sorry. I should’ve … I don’t know. Forget the house. I won’t bring it up again.”
I shake my head against his chest.
I feel horrible that this is my reaction, and I want to explain myself, but I need to get control of my emotions first.
Jameson holds me in his arms until my tears are dry.
“Are you okay now?” he asks, holding my face between his hands and looking me over.
“I’m okay and I…” My eyes drop to the stained carpet between our socked feet.
“This isn’t about not wanting to live with you.
It wouldn’t feel right. I don’t have money in savings for a down payment and I’m barely able to afford rent as it is.
I don’t want you to pay for everything. I know you would,” I add when he opens his mouth to protest. “I know you wouldn’t think twice about it.
But it’s not what I want. I want to feel like we’re on the same level.
I’ve been through this before and I … I don’t know why it triggers me, but it does.
If you’re serious about buying a house with me, I’d rather be able to save and hopefully be able to split the down payment and bills. ”
“I’m sorry.” He takes my face in his hands. I hate that he’s apologizing. He doesn’t have anything to be sorry for. “I should’ve known.”
“It’s okay.”
He gives my arms a gentle squeeze. “No more talks of houses. We’ll just keep things as they are for now.”
“For now,” I echo.