Chapter 39
SPENCER
EIGHT YEARS AGO
Harlow’s eyes glimmer as she blows out the candles on her birthday cake. I have little doubt what she’s wished for, and nerves assault my stomach. I wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans.
Her mom plucks out the candles and lays them on a paper plate before cutting into the cake.
Willa couldn’t make it home for Harlow’s birthday, so it’s only her parents, me, and two of her girlfriends. It’s already been decided after cake we’ll head to the pier.
What Harlow doesn’t know is we’re not actually going to the pier.
Instead, I booked a hotel for us. I already went by and checked in before coming here so I could set the place up with flameless candles and flower petals.
It might be over the top and cringey, but it’s my first time too, and I want it to be memorable for her.
The keycard to the room seems to burn a hole in my pocket.
I take my slice of cake when her mom hands it to me with a plastic fork stuck on top. I’m not sure how I’m going to stomach the cake when I feel so nervous.
I manage to get a few bites down and then claim I’m too full of the pizza we had.
When we finally head out to leave, her dad reminds me to have her back before midnight.
“No problem, sir,” I reply, and hope he doesn’t notice the quiver in my voice.
Opening the passenger door to my car, I let Harlow climb in before I go around and get in the driver’s side. I start the car up and turn to her.
“We’re not going to the pier.”
“We’re not?” A smile dances on her lips, threatening to consume her face.
I shake my head. “No.” I fish the keycard out of my pocket and hand it to her. Her smile is full blown this time.
“A hotel? Is this for what I think it’s for?”
I nod.
She lets out an excited scream and throws her arms around my shoulders. “Finally!”
I chuckle. “You’re not nervous?” I ask her.
“No.” She shakes her head, seeming surprised I would even ask. “It’s you and I trust you. Why? Are you nervous?”
“Yeah.” I let out a breathless laugh. “I am.”
We’ve talked about this enough that I guess I shouldn’t be. But I just want it to be good for her.
“Baby,” she says softly, pressing her hand to my cheek. I grab it, keeping my eyes on the road, and kiss her knuckles. My heart is thundering in my ears, and I feel myself turning red. I want this to be good for her. Good for us. “I don’t want you to be nervous.”
“I can’t help it.” I just want it to be good for her, and I also don’t want to come two-point-five seconds into it.
I finally pull up to the hotel and park the car. We won’t be staying the night with her curfew, so neither of us has bags. I meet Harlow at her side of the car and take her hand. I pray that my palm doesn’t feel clammy to her.
Leading her into the lobby and over to the elevators, I press the button, and the doors immediately slide open. I kind of wish we’d needed to wait so I could have more time to get my shit together.
Harlow clings to my arm and can’t stop smiling.
I suppose I’m glad that if one of us had to be nervous, it’s me, because I would never go through with this if she showed any sign of hesitation. I don’t want to hurt her or cause her any pain, but from everything I’ve read that’s going to be kind of unavoidable for her first time.
The elevator gives a cheery ding as it arrives on our floor.
“The room is this way,” I say, leading her to the left.
I fumble with the key when we reach the door, so she ends up taking it from me. She gives me a small, understanding smile. I’m grateful she’s being so gracious about this, because I’m a mess.
“Oh, Spencer,” she gasps, looking around in awe as the door clicks shut behind us.
My heart is beating so hard and so fast that he words sound like she’s speaking in a whisper when I know in reality she’s not.
She startles me when she turns and launches herself at me. I catch her easily, wrapping my arms around her.
“I can’t believe you’ve done all of this for me. It’s so romantic.”
“Of course, I did.” I kiss the smooth curve of her cheek. “You deserve everything.”
She lets me go and turns, taking in the battery-operated candles—I made sure to get ones that the faux flame moves to make it more realistic—and light pink petals.
She tiptoes over to the bed where a small package rests.
I had to get my mom to help me wrap it, because I was doing a piss-poor job at it.
“Is this for me?” she asks, picking up the box wrapped in a shiny silver paper and topped with a pink bow.
“Yes.” I shake myself out of my fog and join her beside the bed. “Open it.”
She shoots me an excited grin. I gave her another gift at her house, but I wanted her to have something special here tonight too.
Ripping the paper off, she lets it flutter to the ground before carefully removing the lid on the white box. She gasps at the necklace resting inside. It’s a small flat heart with an S on it for my name.
“It’s beautiful.” She takes it out and hands it to me. “Put it on me, please.”
She gives me her back and pulls her blond hair up. Slipping the necklace around her, I struggle with the clasp but finally get it to fit into place. Turning around, she adjusts the necklace, so it sits perfectly beneath her throat.
“You already have my heart,” I tell her, gently touching the necklace. “This way you know you’re carrying it with you everywhere.”
“Thank you.” She touches my cheek reverently. “This means everything to me.”
I cup her cheeks in my hands and lower my mouth to hers.
Her lips open beneath mine, and she presses her body into me when she pushes up on her tiptoes.
I back her toward the bed until she bumps it with the back of her knees and sits.
I let my body follow until she’s lying back with me on top of her.
Warm hands skim beneath my shirt and along my stomach.
I pull away just enough to yank my shirt off.
When I look back down at her, she’s looking at me reverently.
“I love you,” she whispers.
I take her in, memorizing the softness of her features and the trust in her eyes. “I love you, too.”
I take my time kissing her and I’m grateful she doesn’t push me to hurry things along. My nerves need time to settle, and I want to give her time in case she changes her mind but considering she hasn’t in all these months I don’t think that will be happening.
The trust in her eyes never dims, even as I undress her and she does the same to me.
I fumble with the condom, cursing myself for being so inexperienced.
I should’ve practiced opening one before tonight, but I didn’t think I’d have such butter fingers.
She takes it from me and opens it with a steady hand before passing it back.
I finally manage to get it on and turn to check on her.
“Are you still okay?” I ask.
She nods where she lies on the bed. “I’m okay. I promise. I just want you.”
I settle over top of her and make sure she’s as ready as she can be. No matter what, I know this first time isn’t going to be the best for her.
When I push inside her, her face squishes in pain and I stop.
“No!” she cries out. “Keep going.”
“But—”
“No.” She holds my eyes. “It won’t get better if you don’t.”
I hate causing her more pain, but I keep going a little at a time until I’m all the way inside her.
Her nails dig into the backs of my arms. “Just give me a minute.”
“Okay.” I grit my teeth.
In less than a minute, she nods. “I’m okay.”
I take it gentle and slow, wanting it to be as good as it possibly can be for her, and when it’s over, and she curls into my body, I know that if I thought I was a goner for her before, it has nothing on how I feel now.