Chapter 70
HARLOW
Nerves have me feeling like I’m going to throw up as I pull up to Spencer’s house for a Fourth of July get together with his parents, mine, and my sister and Jasper.
“Wow, this place is incredible,” Willa gasps, taking in the Spanish style home on the beach.
I have to say I prefer it to many of the modern, clean-line monstrosities that surround him.
I might not have had any part in choosing it when he bought it for us, but he knew me well enough to know I would love it.
Knew, I scoff at my own thought. He still knows me that well.
“It’s nice,” Jasper comments too. “If he has extra boards I need to get out in the water.”
“He has plenty.” A whole collection lines one wall of his garage.
“Auntie Willa, you’ve never been to my daddy’s house before?”
“No,” she replies a little sadly.
Even though I know she still talks to Spencer, my relationship and break up with him did have an impact on their friendship.
I park outside the open garage, and my parents pull in beside me. The other vehicle in the driveway must be Spencer’s parents.
I haven’t seen them in several years and I wonder what they think of me now. I won’t blame them if they hate me. I broke their son’s heart.
Before I can get out of the car, Monroe is already hopping out of her booster seat and running into the house.
“She’s going to be a sprinter one day,” Willa jokes, undoing her seat belt. “She’s fast.”
The three of us get out, and I let them take a moment to appreciate the view.
As we head inside, they continue to look around in awe. We follow the noise to the kitchen where Spencer is with his parents and Roe. She dips a carrot in ranch and eyes our little group.
“You guys are so slow. I’m glad I didn’t wait for you.”
I notice there are a few other people gathered around and Spencer points them out.
“This is Liam.” He points to the extremely good-looking man with dark wavy hair and intense eyes.
“And his wife Ari.” She’s striking with olive-skin, nearly black hair, and bright blue eyes.
“And over here we have Ollie and Talia. They’re married too. ”
It hits me then that Liam isn’t just someone random. He’s Liam Wade—son of the lead singer of Willow Creek—and famous surfer. Even though I’ve heard his name numerous times from Spencer, it took a moment for the details to click into place.
As for the other couple, I don’t recognize them at all, and something tells me they’re not famous.
I suppose it shouldn’t surprise me that Spencer has normal friends, but I think because he’s constantly surrounded by insanely popular celebrities, I thought he’d fall easily into that lifestyle and what seems like shallow so-called friendships.
I guess, in a way, I’ve never given him enough credit.
With the introductions out of the way, people chat and get to know each other while snacking on some of the spread Spencer has laid out. I stay on the recesses of the group, just watching. I’m not sure I have it in me to participate, but at least I’m here, so that has to count for something, right?
I’m not surprised when Spencer’s mom extracts herself from the group after saying hello to everyone and comes over to my side.
“Hi, Harlow.” She smiles kindly, opening her arms for a hug. “How are you?”
I hug her, though it feels awkward and I don’t quite know what to do with my hands. She squeezes me tight like she’s missed me. I can’t fathom her being happy to see me. It makes no sense.
“I’m good,” I reply, probably a few seconds too late, yet again making it awkward. “You?”
“Good, I’m good. I’ve been volunteering some, so that’s keeping me busy.”
“Oh, that sounds wonderful. I’m happy to hear that.” I paste on a smile, nodding in what’s probably a robotic way, but I can’t seem to control my neck.
“I truly am happy to see you here.” She reaches out, rubbing my arm in what I assume is supposed to be a comforting gesture.
“I’m glad I … we could come.”
“Monroe talks about you all the time,” she says.
I burst into laughter. “Is that so? I swear she can’t wait to get away from me and to her dad.”
She gives me a sympathetic smile. “She loves you both so much.”
“She’s a good kid. The best.”
And I guess that’s what I need to focus on. Even though I’ve wanted to dwell on my mountain of bad decisions, the truth is, the thing that matters most is Monroe and she’s a fucking awesome kid.
“I just want to say to you”—oh, God. I swallow down my fear over whatever she might say next— “my son loves you very much. He’s never stopped.
But I know you’ve been through a lot, getting pregnant and having a baby young, Spencer’s career, and what’s happened recently.
” I squish my eyes shut. God, it’s incredibly embarrassing that those photos are out there and everyone I know, not only knows I cheated on my boyfriend—fiancé—but they’ve seen us in such a vulnerable position.
“And I just want to say, that despite how much he loves you, you have to do what’s best for you.
He told me you were taking time to figure things out on your own and I think that’s great. ”
“Um … thanks?” It comes out as a question, and she laughs.
“No, I mean it. You started dating my son so young and after you guy broke up it wasn’t too long before you found Jameson. It sounds like it’ll be good for you to be single for a while. Find yourself. Something I believe, is we can’t truly love another person until we’ve found ourselves.”
“That’s an excellent point.”
She grabs my hand and gives the top of it a gentle pat. “I know it might be awkward to talk to me, but I just want you to know I’m here if you need it. Okay?”
“Thanks.”
Fuck. I’m going to cry.
She gives me another quick hug before going back to join the others.
No one’s paying any attention to me, so I quickly slip away and find the nearest room to duck into. It’s what can only be considered a library. It’s small with dark shelves filled with books, a warm rust colored rug covering the light floors, and two large leather chairs.
I ease the door shut behind me and let the tears fall.
It was kind of her to say those things. Too kind. I don’t deserve that, not from her.
The door opens behind me, and I whip around.
“Hey,” Spencer says, concern draped over his features. “Are you okay? I saw my mom talk to you. She didn’t say anything to upset you, did she?”
“No.” I wipe at my cheeks as he enters the room and closes the door again. “She was nice. Promise.”
He cocks his head to the side. “Why is it you have trouble with kindness? Why do you think you don’t deserve it?”
Of course, he sees my thoughts and feelings written plainly on my face. He’s always seen too much of me.
“I don’t know,” I answer with a watery laugh. “I truly don’t know.”
He slides his hands into the pockets of his board shorts. His sheer, white beach top stretches over his wide shoulders. “Please, don’t take offense to what I’m about to say, but I’d really like you to talk to someone. A therapist. You can see mine if you want.” He shrugs. “He’s pretty good.”
My brows furrow. “You have a therapist?”
“Yeah.” He leans his back against the door.
“It turns out having the love of your life break your heart over and over does some damage.” He gives me a closed-mouth smile.
“I don’t say that to try to make you feel guilty, but I just needed some help coping with our breakup, and being a single dad, and the work I do.
Turns out I like therapy, so I still talk to him once a month. ”
I’ve always been opposed to the idea of a therapist, but because I’m not coping well—really, I’m not coping at all—it might be worth trying.
“I’d be willing to see him,” I say softly. “If you’re okay with that.”
“I’ll schedule the appointment for you, but Harlow?”
“Yeah?” I ask hesitantly.
“I want you to go a minimum of five times. Every other week. Not for me, not for anything or anyone else, but you. You need someone to talk to.”
“I think I can do that,” I agree.
“Good.” He reaches out and squeezes my shoulder. “Now let’s get out of here before everyone thinks we snuck away to fuck.”
“Spencer!”
He grins. “I knew that would get you to smile.” He wraps an arm around my shoulders and kisses my temple.
Fireworks light up the sky and Roe runs around with a sparkler in each hand.
I laugh as I watch her. Her joy is infectious.
No matter how bad things get, or how much I fuck things up, Monroe will always be the best part of my life.
Getting pregnant as a teen wasn’t part of the plan, but truthfully, I’d choose it every time because there’s not a single life I want to live where I’m not that girl’s mom.
I feel Spencer before I see him.
He sinks down into the sand beside me. He spent most of his day out on his board with Liam, Ollie, and Jasper. It was nice to have the reprieve from his presence, because when he’s near I seem to have trouble thinking.
“So, Willa and Jasper are getting married next month?”
“Yeah,” I reply, searching for them on the beach and spotting them by the bonfire. Monroe runs up to them and asks for another sparkler. “It surprised me. I expected a big wedding for some reason.”
“I kind of did, too.” He grows quiet. “Jasper asked me to be his best man.”
“You sound sad about it.”
He shrugs, drawing his legs up and draping his arms over his knees. “It should’ve been T.J. beside him. I know it’s been almost ten years, but I still miss him.”
“He was your best friend.” I rest my hand on his shoulder, rubbing my thumb in gentle comfort. “You’ll always miss him.”
“I guess so,” he sighs. “I really am happy for Willa and Jasper, though, but I…”
He shakes his head and presses his lips into a thin line.
“But what?” I prompt.
He looks at me and sighs. “I thought it would be us first, you know.”
“Spencer—”
“I’m not saying that to guilt you or anything. It’s just the truth.” He drops a hand to the sand and fists the grains before letting them sift through his fingers. “I heard back from my therapist. He said he can fit you in on Monday.”
“That soon?” I blurt in surprise. “And he replied back to you on a holiday?”
“I’m his favorite,” he jokes.
“I’m not looking forward to it,” I admit. “But I know I need to do this.”
“I think it’ll make you feel better.”
“I hope so,” I sigh.
The fireworks become more frequent, making conversation difficult as it reaches its crescendo. When they’re over, Spencer stands and offers me his hand.
“Just remember,” he says softly. “You’re not doing this for me or Monroe or anyone else but you. It’s okay to take care of yourself and prioritize your own feelings. It doesn’t make you selfish.”
It’s what I needed to hear.
Sometimes it’s hard to realize that I need to take care of myself to be there for others. As women and mothers, it’s become a little too natural to always put ourselves last. He’s right, it’s time I started taking care of my own feelings and therapy is probably the best place to start.