Chapter 74
HARLOW
Iloop my arm through Spencer’s, and he escorts me down the aisle—which is just a light dusting of flower petals in the sand outside my parents’ house.
Jasper stands at the end waiting for my sister.
He inhales a shaky breath, searching behind us, but I know he won’t get a glimpse of my sister just yet.
Even though the wedding is a small, intimate affair, Willa did splurge on having her hair and makeup done as well as a photographer. I offered to do it, but she refused, saying that I’m her sister and she wants me to enjoy the day and not be working.
I let go of Spencer and go to stand in my spot while he stands beside Jasper.
When Willa steps out of the house with our dad, I have trouble deciding who to look at the most—her or Jasper.
She smiles at him with so much love that it makes my own heart hurt.
My sister deserves the world, and he gives her that.
He raises a fist to his mouth, his eyes filling with tears.
He looks at her like she’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen and when she reaches the end of the aisle and my dad gives her hand to Jasper, he lowers his head and presses a kiss to her knuckles.
Jasper’s dad is officiating, and he begins to speak, stealing my attention for the moment.
“It’s been the greatest pleasure to witness all the joy Willa has brought my son these years.
I’m incredibly honored to be the one they asked to marry them.
A love like theirs is a rare find and I truly believe fate, and T.J.
, brought them together.” He glances toward the empty seat beside his wife with a framed photo of T.J.
It was important that Jasper’s brother be included today.
Jasper’s dad launches into the vows, and I look across, accidentally making eye contact with Spencer.
The intense look he gives me nearly drops me to my knees.
It’s impossible for me not to see the pain behind his eyes and his expression seems to say it should have been us.
I hate that he’s hurting.
I hate that it’s my fault.
I hate that I’ve fucked everything up.
I drop my eyes, focusing on the words Jasper and Willa are saying.
When they exchange rings, I feel my eyes fill with tears, and it’s not because I’m dwelling on the past. It’s because I’m so happy for my sister and that she gets to call the man of her dreams her husband.
I know what this means to her. When she was at her worst point with her disease, she believed no one would ever love her.
I wonder what that version of her would think of who she is now.
I’d like to think teen Willa would be proud of adult Willa.
I can’t say teen Harlow would be proud of adult Harlow, though.
“You may now kiss your bride.”
The words break me out of my thoughts and I smile when Jasper grins and grabs Willa’s face, kissing her like he’ll never get enough of her.
Despite what a wreck my life currently is, it’s impossible not to feel anything other than happiness today.
Jasper and Willa head back up the aisle and then Spencer and I follow.
While Jasper and Willa go to take more photos, Spencer and I help with transforming the backyard from the ceremony into a reception area. Just because it’s a small gathering doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be everything my sister wants.
Despite Spencer and I helping with completely opposite tasks—I’m helping my mom and Jasper’s mom set up the tables and Spencer and guys are erecting a tent to help shield from the sun—I keep catching his eyes every so often. I’m not sure which one of us is to blame for it.
Therapy is helping a lot, even with only a few sessions under my belt, but I still have a long way to go.
One thing I’ve come to realize is I need to learn to love myself before I can love someone else again. Spencer’s mom wasn’t wrong when she told me that. But it’s going to take time, reflection, and healing.
With so many of us working, it doesn’t take too long to change the backyard into an oasis.
Jasper and Willa join us again, taking the seats at their designated table in the middle.
A hand tugs on my dress, and I look down at Monroe. “Are they going to give us chicken tenders? I’m hungry.”
Spencer scoops her up in his arms and answers before I can, “They’re serving dinner in a few.”
“But will there be chicken tenders?” she reiterates, staring at him in a way that says this is serious business dad.
“There’s going to be chicken tenders just for you.”
“Good. That’s all I wanted to know.” She wiggles against his hold, and he sets her down. She runs over to my sister and for perhaps the hundredth time today, she says, “You look like a princess.”
“You want some chicken tenders too?” Spencer asks in a joking tone.
“I think I’m good.”
He nods, sliding his hands into his pockets. “I … uh … I’m going to be leaving for a few months.”
“What?” My head whips in his direction.
He nods. “I’ll leave at the end of this month. I just found out, because they moved things up which practically never happens.” He gives a humorless laugh. “It’s for the superhero movie. I need to be in Iceland for most of the shooting.”
“For how long?”
It’s not the first time he’s left the country for a role, but he’s never said months before.
He wets his lips with his tongue and a muscle in his jaw twitches. “Four months.”
“Four months?” I blurt out.
He rubs his jaw. “I know. It’s not ideal.”
“You’ve never been gone that long from Monroe before.”
“Don’t you think I fucking know that?” He shakes his head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I just … I worry about being away from her that long. It’s not forever, but it feels like it.”
“You’d miss her birthday,” I say softly.
He shakes his head, steadfast. “Absolutely not. I’ll make sure I fly back for that even if I have to turn right around and leave the same day.”
“It’s worth it to you? How much you love acting?”
He winces. “I don’t know,” he answers honestly. “I’ve been lucky enough to never be gone more than a couple of weeks at a time before. This is different.”
“I’m not saying you shouldn’t go.” The last thing I want to do is make him feel selfish, or guilty.
God knows I’ve made enough selfish decisions in the past few months that I have no right to judge anyone.
Besides, it’s his job, not his personal life.
“I just was curious is all, if you really love it like that.”
“I know it sounds insane, but I really do love it. I don’t like what comes with it—the dressing up and events and parties or the paparazzi, but as much as I don’t like those things it’s worth it for how much I love bringing different characters to life.
But I … I never wanted this to interfere with my relationship with Monroe. ”
“It’s only a few months, Spencer. She’ll be fine. I’ll make sure she calls you every day.”
“Yeah?”
“Of course.” I bump his arm lightly. “Facetime exists for a reason.”
“Are you going to talk to me too while I’m gone?” he teases.
“I guess that depends. Do you want to talk to me?”
He looks me over in a way that makes me feel extremely exposed. “I always want to talk to you.”
“You know, when you say stuff like that, you’re what Poppy would call down bad.”
“I am,” he says without hesitation.
I lower my head. “But why?” I ask. “I’m nothing special.”
Warm fingers caress my chin, lifting my head. “That’s where you’re wrong. You’ve always been special to me.”
I can’t wrap my head around why he feels that way. From where I’m standing and looking at myself, I’m just … normal, average, maybe even less than average when you consider my fuck ups. The fact this man still manages to look at me like I’m his entire world is hard for me to wrap my head around.
I don’t want to dwell on this topic for too long. This is Willa and Jasper’s special day, after all.
Spencer seems to sense I don’t have it in me to keep chatting about this, so he gives my wrist a squeeze.
“Save a dance for me later, okay?”
“Yeah, okay.” I watch him as he goes over to chat with Jasper’s family at their table and I go to find my own seat.
“What was that about?” My mom asks in a hushed voice.
Monroe is occupied with my dad, so I answer, “He’s leaving for Iceland for four months.”
She gasps. “When?”
“He said the end of the month.”
“Oh, wow.” She looks toward him as he heads our way to join us at the table. It wouldn’t have been right to seat him separate from us. “How do you feel about that?” she asks quickly.
“It is what it is,” I reply. “The space might be good for me. Give me time to figure things out”
She frowns in sympathy.
“I feel like I’m interrupting something,” Spencer says, pulling out his chair. There’s an empty chair between us that belongs to Monroe.
“I was telling my mom you’re leaving for a while,” I whisper so Monroe won’t hear. I know he needs to be the one to tell her.
“Ah.” He nods, leaning around me to see my mom. “Was she telling you she’s excited to be rid of me for a while?”
My mom laughs. “I doubt that would excite her.”
He arches a brow in my direction, sporting a grin and daring me to refute it. “I could never be happy for you to be gone that long,” I admit reluctantly.
His smile grows. “You like having me around, Low?”
I roll my eyes.
“I’ll take that as a yes.”