Chapter 20
EDEN
“I think the key to a good coating is finding something fast drying and long-lasting,” Nisse said to me, holding up a dragon scale to the window as she examined it closer.
The bracelets on her wrist rattled. We were locked away in the apothecary together, mulling over my armor conundrum. “What did you say you already used?”
“Honey, lemon leaf and beeswax.”
She hummed. “I wonder if the acid in the lemon leaf is somehow breaking down the bond, making the salve weaker than it should be.”
“You’re saying it might be having the opposite effect?”
The door suddenly banged open, and I yelped, diving over the dragon scales we’d laid out on Nisse’s work bench, flapping around as I tried to gather them to me.
Nisse jammed the scale in her hand behind her back, attempting to hide the evidence of what we were doing. But when she saw Vaela standing in the doorway, she sighed heavily and rolled her eyes.
“Geez, wrangler,” she complained. “Can you at least knock? You almost gave me a heart attack.”
Vaela looked a little sheepish. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to startle you.”
I released an uneasy breath, hand pressed to my chest, waiting for my pulse to regulate. I didn’t know why I expected the kingsguard to come busting through the doorway of the infirmary when there were none currently in town, but the more I worked on the armor, the more I feared being discovered.
“I tried at the cottage first,” Vaela said, her gray eyes narrowing as she took in the varying bits of armor scattered around the room.
“Then I heard voices in here and thought I’d check.
” Her lips pulled into a thin line as her gaze caught mine.
“I hadn’t realized you were telling other people about the armor? ”
“Only Nisse,” I said with a shrug. “I, uh, didn’t really have a choice.”
Nisse snorted, threading her hand through her short hair. “She kept stealing ingredients from the store cupboards and I knew it wasn’t for a patient.”
“Plus,” I continued, “I figured she might actually have some ideas on how I could improve the protective coating.”
“Right.” Vaela nodded once, jaw set tight.
It looked like she was biting down on something more she wanted to say.
“I guess…” She pulled a bag of fresh scales from the satchel strung over her shoulder.
“There’s no use in hiding these then.” She plopped the scales down on the workbench.
“Min collected them herself. Plucked them all from her nest this morning.”
I couldn’t help smiling at the thought. If Min hadn’t already been growing on me, I would have positively adored her now.
Nisse dove for the bag, sifting through the scales to sort them by size.
“It’s fascinating to think of the things we could do with dragon scales, isn’t it?
Especially the ways they might influence healing.
Not that I would ever consider using them like that,” she hurried to say, laughing uneasily as she looked between us.
“I would never risk the wrath of the king. But… one does wonder about all the things we’re missing out on because a few people control what should belong to everyone. ”
She glanced from me to Vaela, her eyes widening. Did she know Vaela’s brother was a member of the kingsguard? Did she have the same fear I once had? That Vaela would turn on me, ratting me out to her brother, bringing the wrath of the king to my doorstep.
“Again, not that I would ever—”
“It’s okay,” I said. “You’re right. The kingdom should be free to use the scales in a way that helps everyone.
If the dragons are willing enough, if they no longer need the scales, then why shouldn’t we be allowed to bolster our armor and brew tonics and…
” I threw my arms up. “Who even knows what other uses the old scales might have? One man shouldn’t have a monopoly over all that. ”
Nisse let out a relieved breath. “Well, I might not be brave enough to experiment, but I’m glad to be helping you.”
“And I appreciate that,” I assured her.
Vaela stiffened beside me. I glanced at her from the corner of my eye.
It had been our secret for a time—the armor.
Perhaps it felt like a betrayal to her that I was sharing it with Nisse now.
That’s not how I’d meant it, but there was something like frustration in her eyes.
Hurt too, maybe? Or perhaps this was all in my head, and I was reading into something that wasn’t there.
Anyway, it was for the best if she pulled back. That’s what we both needed to do. And to make that happen, I needed to draw a clear boundary. Whatever she thought was happening between us, whatever feelings there might have been, couldn’t be.
I knew what it was to live through heartbreak. I’d lost my parents. I wasn’t prepared to lose someone else I cared about. A heart could only take so much trauma before it stopped beating. That was a fact.
And when I looked at Vaela, when I felt the organ lurch in my chest, I knew it would destroy me one day.
I couldn’t do it.
I shouldn’t.
We just had to go back to being exactly what we were before: a dragon wrangler and a burn nurse. As long as we both stayed on opposite sides of that equation, we’d be perfectly fine.
Vaela cleared her throat suddenly. “I should probably get back to Min. We were in the middle of rounds when I came to find you.”
I nodded. “Thank you for dropping the scales off. I really do appreciate it. And thank Min for me.”
“Sure,” Vaela muttered, heading for the door. “Guess I’ll see you later?”
I nodded.
Not if I could help myself.
Vaela flung the door open, disappearing through it without a look back. I frowned, knowing it was for the best. I followed after her, intending to close the door, but she’d stopped on the porch, turning to me. Her eyebrows were knotted in a tight line. “Eden…” she said, voice low.
“Yes?” I whispered, feeling Nisse’s eyes on my back. I didn’t know why my hand trembled around the doorknob.
“Did I… do something wrong?” she asked, unable to quite look me in the eye.
I shook my head, feeling my heart beat in my throat. She’d done nothing. Nothing but endear herself to me somehow.
“Then did I say something wrong?” she tried. “Look at you strange or let Min tear up your garden or crush your precious blackberries—”
“No, of course not,” I insisted. “Wait, when was Min in my garden?”
She clicked her tongue. “You know what I’m asking you.”
I did know, and all I could say was that she hadn’t done anything wrong.
And that was the problem. I wanted her, and I shouldn’t.
Couldn’t. Not if I wanted to live without the constant threat of loss hanging over my head.
I needed to pull back from these feelings before she dragged me in any deeper.
Vaela sighed heavily, looking like she wanted to shake me. “I’m just trying to figure out what happened. What changed between us?”
“Nothing,” I whispered, the word sticking on my tongue. “Everything’s fine.”
“Fine?”
“It’s the same as it always was,” I said, which was perhaps the biggest lie I’d told so far. Nothing was the same. We both knew it.
Vaela took a stumbling step back, wringing her hands together. “I see. Great. That’s really… It’s wonderful. Glad I clarified things.”
I reached out. “Vaela—”
She turned away from me then, setting off down the path, and a sick feeling burned in my gut. Stars! That wasn’t how I’d wanted this conversation to go. Pressure welled behind my eyes as I closed the door, locking it this time.
I didn’t want any other unexpected visitors walking in on us.
I turned around to find Nisse staring at me. “What?” I said, busying myself with the dragon scales.
Nisse barked a laugh. “You’re kidding, right? That woman is basically saying I want you with her eyes. Stars, she was practically saying it out loud. And all you did was turn her away.”
“I don’t have a choice,” I reasoned. “Relationships where dragon riders are concerned never work out. Only fools get themselves into those situations, and I can’t afford to be a fool.
” I nodded once, trying to convince myself of my own words.
“I know exactly where this leads, which is why I’ve put a stop to it. ”
“Maybe,” Nisse agreed, dropping one hand to her hip. “But maybe not.”
“I can’t take the risk, Nisse.” I closed my eyes tight, fighting off images of flames burning across the sky.
Hurt and ashes were the only things that awaited me as far as Vaela was concerned.
I’d already buried my father without bones to say goodbye to, just an empty coffin.
I couldn’t do that again if the worst happened.
“I can’t fall for her any more than I already have. ”
“I suppose that’s something only you can decide,” Nisse agreed. “But I think love is risky in all its forms.”
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Everyone loses the person they love one day, don’t they?
” she mused. “You don’t get that person forever, despite how much we want to believe in fairy tales.
One day old age comes or illness or, yes, dragons.
The only real question any of us can ask is how long we get with the people we care about.
And since we can’t know that, I think we just have to love them while we can. ”
I blinked away tears. “I want a lifetime,” I said. I didn’t want to be short-changed by the flames. I didn’t want to live the same fate as my mother.
“You could choose a baker and not end up with a lifetime,” Nisse pointed out. “What I’m saying is, nothing is guaranteed.”
“I think my odds are better with a baker,” I murmured. “Plus, think of all that bread.”
Nisse gave me a wan smile. “Do you really want bread?”
No. I wanted Vaela Frixsar.
I wanted her so badly it was starting to eat me up on the inside. But I couldn’t have her.
Not in this lifetime.