Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
Lou
“If she wants more ideas for vendors, just let me know.” I handed Max the folder I’d finished putting together yesterday for his friend’s bride, Daisy. I texted and told him he could pick it up today, and he’d been waiting at the desk when I’d come downstairs.
His eyes widened at the size of the packet, flipping briefly through the contents. “Are there any vendors left in the state?”
I flushed. “I wanted to be thorough.”
“No, I know,” he said quickly. “I’m really grateful, Lou. Seriously.”
“It’s no problem. I’m excited to start offering weddings here.” My attention flicked to the large photograph mounted behind the desk, mentally reassuring myself that this was why it needed to remain. For marketing. For business. Hanging a painting of myself wouldn’t do anyone or the inn any good.
When I looked back, Max seemed lost in thought—and not a good one, the way his mouth turned in a frown.
“What is it? Did I miss something? ”
He snapped out of it and patted the folder. “No. This is awesome. It’s not that.”
“Then what is it?” I probed gently.
His hesitation was noticeable. “I just… I don’t know. Todd is… off, and I’m worried about him.”
“Off? Like cold feet?”
His head wavered. “I don’t know. He’s been avoiding me the last couple of weeks, and when we do talk, he won’t talk about the wedding.”
“I’m sorry,” I offered, wishing I could do more to help. “Planning a wedding can be stressful, especially when you’re also having a baby. Maybe it’s just taking a toll.”
“Yeah.” He shifted his weight. “It’s just Daisy offered for them to go to the courthouse and skip the whole planning part. She was fine with something small—something just the two of them. She doesn’t have any family, and Todd isn’t on great terms with most of his.”
The picture I’d torn from the magazine the night Wade had first kissed me came to mind. I would’ve given it to Max with the packet if I had it, but somehow, that picture had vanished into thin air. It wasn’t in any of my papers. Not left in the room. At least not that I could find. I finally gave up and assumed it had been found crumpled on the floor by another guest who’d thrown it away. It wasn’t important, I told myself, even though I’d thought of it countless times in the last few days.
Because of Wade.
“Todd didn’t want to do that?”
“He didn’t seem like he knew what he wanted. That was why I suggested the inn. Seemed like a good compromise. Plus, I hated to see them go to the courthouse. Daisy hasn’t had it easy, and with the pregnancy, she deserves—” He broke off, whatever he was about to say next was like a stopper to his thoughts. “Anyway, he’s just been distant, but I’m sure everything’s fine. He gets in these moods sometimes.”
“I think we all get a little afraid of what the future holds, especially when something so good is right in front of us. The fear of losing it…”
His brows knitted together, making me think I’d said something more than I’d intended. But then the expression vanished, and his charming smile returned. “I’m sure it will work out.” Max held up the folder once more. “Thanks again, Lou.”
The door had just closed behind him when I heard footsteps on the stairs. Wade hadn’t been looking at the painting this entire time, had he?
I turned and instantly saw something was wrong—something had happened.
“Wade?” I didn’t even know what to ask as he descended the last of the steps, his expression darkening.
“Did you know about the baby?”
Baby? I grabbed for the ballast to steady myself.
“What baby?” The only baby that came to mine was Frankie’s baby, but he couldn’t be talking about Logan.
“Blaze’s baby.”
“Your… your brother’s baby?” I gaped. “Your brother has a baby?” I repeated and realized I hadn’t answered his question. “No. I had no idea he has a baby.” Some of the tension seemed to seep from his shoulders with my answer, but it didn’t stop my mind from spiraling. “What’s going on? Is Blaze awake?”
I pressed my hand to my throat, feeling my pulse start to spiral against my fingertips. If he was awake… Like the flip of a switch, my body went into hyperdrive, flying through all the scenarios where I’d have to tell Wade the truth and explain why I’d kept it from him for so long.
I’d tried to tell him ? —
“No, he’s not awake.” He exhaled hard. “I just got a call from my PI. The Chronicle is running a story that Blaze has a kid.”
“What? They have to be making it up, right?”
Wade’s head gave a tight shake. “No, they’re not.” He reached and pulled something from his back pocket—a folded paper—and handed it to me .
I took it hesitantly, holding his gaze as I opened it.
“Oh my god…” It was a paternity test. A positive paternity test. “Where did you?—”
“I found it jammed behind the desk drawer in his room,” he said. “Look at the date. The results were from only a few days before Blaze’s accident. If they were sent here?—”
“They were. Oh god…” I pressed my hand to my mouth, my eyes dropping under the weight of the realization. “Not many people get mail here. Sent here. Sometimes packages if they’re in town for an event. But a letter…” My voice trailed off, becoming threadbare as I finished, “That’s why I remember it. A letter came that morning, and I slid it under his door. I had no idea…”
“It makes sense then… why you said he hadn’t been drinking, but that day his blood alcohol level blew well over the limit.”
I nodded, the movement feeling as clumsy as my thoughts putting all of this together. After everything I’d learned about Blaze Stevens from the moment he stepped into my inn, I could only imagine how the news would’ve affected him.
“Lou…”
I blinked and refocused on his face. “How did the Chronicle get this information? From the mother? Why now?”
“My informant said it wasn’t from the mother. He’s confident the source of their information was here.”
“No…” I couldn’t believe it. “Who? How…”
The chilling thought hit me like the first sweep of a winter wind, circling me with the memory of the cracked door. The open desk drawer, only a pen inside.
“I have security cameras outside. I can check the footage to see if anyone who wasn’t a guest came in while we were gone, but Frankie and Chandler were here. I could ask her if she saw anyone strange…” It just seemed so implausible. Or maybe I just wanted it to be. “He’s sure the mother didn’t leak the information to the Chronicle?”
“Yeah,” he said, his voice crumbling into a rumble. “If she did, they wouldn’t be going with the assumption that the mother is you.”
I felt the blood drain from my face.
“They found out you were together, and then we fed into their story. They think this is the reason Blaze came to Maine. Because you told him you were pregnant.”
“Oh my god…” I didn’t feel myself sinking—or Wade clutching me to him, holding me upright by strength and will.
“I’m going to fix this, Lou. I promise,” he murmured into my hair, gently drawing my head back. “I’m going to prep a letter and send it as soon as they hit publish. Unfortunately, I can’t… stop them ahead of time.”
“I know,” I said numbly, the shock starting to wear off, leaving in its place only the weight of the lie I’d armored myself with. “Wade? — ”
“I have to talk to my mom. I can’t… she can’t find out from the papers.”
A fresh wave of panic crashed over me. “I’ll have to tell my family, too…” They believed the story, and I couldn’t let them read this and think that I… that Blaze and I…
But I had to tell Wade the truth first.
Wade’s face was grim as his head dipped closer to mine, his palms on my face the only source of warmth. “I’m sorry, Lou. I’m so sorry for all of this.”
I shook my head, the surge of tears as sudden and threatening as a tsunami. “It’s not your fault,” I choked out, the droplets spilling hotly down my cheeks. “It’s mine.”
“No,” he swore and kissed me. Hard. The pressure of his mouth soothing the unsettling in my chest. “None of this is your fault?—”
“Wade, we have to talk?—”
“We will, I promise.” His lips touched lightly to the corner of my mouth. “But I have to go talk to my mom. I don’t even know how to tell her this, but I can’t risk her hearing it from anyone else. ”
Once more, I balled up the truth and forced it away. “I’m coming with you.”
“Lou—”
“Violet said she’d cover for me whenever I needed,” I insisted. “You don’t have to do this alone.”
And knowing how close I could be to losing him, I didn’t want to waste a single moment apart.
The car was silent on the drive to the hospital, but my thoughts were anything but. Blaze was a father—or was going to be a father—and the press thought the baby was mine. Soon, everyone would.
And it seemed like a rumor impossible to stop. Well, for the next nine months or so until no baby appeared, and they realized how wrong they’d been. But by then… all those months… Oh god.
I held my arm over my stomach, wishing Wade had let me carry the box of pastries inside. Instead, he clutched it in his hands like it was Pandora’s box, a threat rather than a treat.
We headed straight for Blaze’s room. Wade hadn’t told Joanna we were coming. After we’d decided to stay away from the hospital to help insulate Blaze’s condition from discovery, to call her and say we were on our way would’ve been an immediate red flag.
Wade slowed as we approached the door to his brother’s room and then stopped, staring blankly at the handle.
“This is my fault,” he said so low I almost missed it.
“No, Wade.” I inched toward him, wanting to pull him to me, but I couldn’t. Everyone in this building thought I was Blaze’s girlfriend.
“If I wasn’t… if Blaze and I weren’t the way that we were… he would’ve told me,” he insisted, his pulse thumping in his neck. “He w ould’ve told me weeks ago when he found out. When he left rehab. I would’ve helped him. God… why didn’t he just tell me…”
I reached for his arm, the familiar prickle of contact lighting up my skin. “Let me talk to her.”
He looked startled by the suggestion. “What? No. You don’t need to?—”
“I know I don’t need to, but I want to… and I want to tell her the truth.” I swallowed hard. “She needs to know Blaze and I weren’t together, and I need to be the one to tell her.”
Joanna had already been through so much with one son. To see the look of pure anguish on Wade’s face right now…well, if I could spare her that, I would. Plus, I wanted to apologize in person for what I’d done—for lying to her. Once I told Wade the truth, I wasn’t sure if I’d have this chance again.
“Please, Wade.”
“Alright,” he agreed after a beat. “I’ll wait out here.” Even the anger brimming in his eyes wasn’t enough to drown out the guilt that effused from the rest of him.
I reached and took the box from him, holding it with one arm and giving a gentle knock on the door with the other, and then let myself inside.
Joanna lifted her head from her arms. She’d been resting on Blaze’s bed, and her eyes went wide when she saw me.
“Lou,” she exclaimed and stood.
The mother who approached me now looked almost nothing like the woman I’d met that very first night. Her make-up was gone. Her clothes carelessly picked out and put together. Her hair pulled back in a severe bun that only accentuated the strain on her face.
The idea that she was losing her son was killing her, too.
“What are you doing here?” Even her hug seemed fragile.
“I brought something sweet.”
She drew back, her watery smile widening when she looked at me. “Yes, you did. ”
My chest tightened. Guilt for the way she regarded me—the way she thought I was someone I wasn’t—squeezed the inflexible cage of my ribs.
Clearing the lump from my throat, I lifted the box’s top. “These are Nazooks,” I said, revealing the glazed, rolled pastries. “They’re an Armenian pastry with a walnut filling.”
“They sound delicious.” She reached in for one. “Thank you, Lou.”
“Why don’t we sit?” I suggested, unsure if either of us could remain steady for the conversation I was about to have.
She couldn’t answer since her mouth was filled with the first bite of the Nazook, but she moved willingly as I guided her back to her seat. Setting the box on the end of the bed, I took a second chair from the wall and dragged it beside hers, taking a pastry for myself as I joined her.
“How is he?” I asked after a few bites and a few minutes spent staring at the comatose actor in the hospital bed.
It had only been a week since I’d seen him, but his hair had grown longer, the pelt of his beard coming in darker on his face. It was strange to think how, in some ways, time had stopped for him, but in others, it was moving on without him.
Before, when I’d visit, I would always go to the head of the bed and kiss his cheek. It didn’t feel right to do that anymore. Not for anyone involved.
Her lip quivered. “No… change.”
“I’m sorry, Joanna.” I took her hand and squeezed.
“No, I’m sorry, dear. This must be so hard for you, too, and now to not be able to be here…” She let out a choked cry.
“Joanna—”
“I’m sure he misses you,” she went on like she hadn’t heard me—couldn’t hear me. “I talk to him about you, though, since you can’t be here. I tell him everything you’ve done?—”
“Please,” I cried out and grabbed her hand, peeling it from the blanket and pulling it between mine. “Please stop.”
The dark pools of her eyes focused slowly on me as though she were reeling herself back in from the depths that her despair had taken her to.
“What is it, Lou? What’s wrong?”
Everything .
I bit my tongue to hold the word back, feeling my eyes burn with tears. I wanted to tell her then the truth about Blaze and me, but I couldn’t. If I did, I risked her being unwilling to hear the rest of what I had to say.
“Joanna… I came here—Wade and I came here because something has happened. We learned something about Blaze, and Wade believes it’s going to be published in the Chronicle soon.”
She reached for her son’s limp hand, squeezing his lifeless fingers tight. “They know he’s here? They found out what happened?—”
“No,” I said quickly to reassure her. “No, they don’t know that. But according to Wade’s sources, they have reliable information that Blaze… has a child with someone. Not me.” It was as close as I could come to the rest of my confession at the moment.
If the news wasn’t so earth-shaking, her response would’ve almost been comical. The way her head tipped in slow motion from one side to another was like one of those blimps floating in slow suspension over reality.
“A… child?”
I nodded. “They have a paternity test that confirms it. It was… mailed to the inn the morning before he fell.”
“A child…” She turned and looked at Blaze—stared at his sedate face for so long, I started to worry she’d gone into shock.
“Joanna…” I probed gently.
“I’m sorry.” Her eyes glistened and she pressed her hand to her mouth. “Blaze was going to be a father. I just can’t believe it…” Like the word triggered more pieces to connect, she turned to me, eyes wide in horror. “Oh, Lou. I’m so sorry.”
“No—”
“Sometimes I don’t understand why Blaze is the way he is. He purposely sabotages himself—sabotages the good things in his life. To have to learn about this… like this… To know he lied to you. I’m so sorry?—”
“Please.” I gave her hands a small shake. “Don’t apologize, Joanna. Please. He wasn’t the one who lied. I did.” I swallowed, feeling the wrecking ball inside me let loose from its moorings. “Blaze and I… we weren’t together.”
I’d said the words so many times now and yet the truth still seemed elusive. I wondered if she’d misinterpret it, too, like Wade had each and every time.
“Lou…” Her brows furrowed tightly.
Like a match set to strike paper, the idea made the rest of the truth catch flame and crackle from my lips.
“The night of the accident, I was afraid for him—afraid of what had happened. Afraid he would sue me. I just wanted to make sure he was okay, but when they wouldn’t let me in the ambulance, the EMT asked if I was his girlfriend, and I didn’t deny it. And then it just spiraled. You were so upset, and I just wanted to comfort you. I never meant for this—for all of this. I never meant to hurt you…” My rant died into silence as tears ran down her cheeks.
It was what I deserved. I’d lied to her, and even if I hadn’t meant to hurt her, I had.
“I see,” she finally replied quietly, sitting so still I was afraid one movement would make her crumble.
I didn’t know how long we sat like that, but it was long enough to convince myself I didn’t belong by her side any longer.
“I’m sorry. I’ll leave you alone.” I went to pull my hands away, but she wouldn’t let me.
“I don’t think I ever believed it was true,” Joanna spoke quietly.
“W-what?”
“I wanted it to be true,” she informed me with a sideways glance. “I think I wanted it to be true bad enough that I was willing to ignore that it was too good to be true.”
I sat there stunned. I couldn’t have heard her right .
“The way I hoped for you was the way I hoped for so many things for my son. But deep down, I know he’s not in a place to accept those things in his life no matter how hard I try or Wade tries… no matter how much it hurts him.” Her jaw trembled. “I thought I might lose him, and it was easier to face that knowing he’d found someone to love, and who loved him.”
The lump in my throat grew bigger. “I’m sorry I lied to you.”
Her jaw trembled as she nodded and then managed a small smile. “You were trying to protect the thing you loved. I can understand that.” The smile pulled tight before she continued, her voice thick with emotion, “You were there when I needed someone… in ways you didn’t have to be… and that’s more than most people offer anymore.”
We sat in silence for several minutes. It didn’t feel right to thank her for what she said… for her understanding… it didn’t feel like enough. So, I didn’t say it.
“Where’s Wade?” She wiped a finger under her eyes.
“Outside.” I glanced to the door. “He’s… he feels responsible.”
Joanna sighed. “He always does. He always was.” She looked back at her youngest son. “Sometimes, I wonder if Blaze gets into the predicaments he does because he wants to test Wade’s limits.”
“Why?”
“Their father… well, he made it clear who his favorite son was early on, and as they grew older, the quicker he was to turn on Blaze. And the quicker Wade was to jump in and save him,” she said, her tone somber. “I think Blaze is just trying to figure out the point at which Wade will abandon him.”
“But he wouldn’t,” I said without even thinking—without hesitation. I’d seen the lengths Wade had gone to for his brother, the things he was willing to do—willing to sacrifice. He was willing to lie to the world about me—about us—to protect his brother.
“I know. But the way my husband made Blaze feel all his life… and the way he groomed Wade to fill his shoes. Not every fe ar is justified. Most aren’t rational. And when it comes to someone you love, someone you’re afraid of losing, well, those fears become a living, breathing thing, threatening to eat you alive.”
Her words connected straight into the pit of my stomach, shining a light on exactly why I was afraid to tell Wade the truth. I’d never wanted someone the way I wanted him. Never thought I’d experience the things I did, the things I feel with him. And I was so very afraid of losing that.
“Lou…” She looked at me curiously. “Does Wade know? About you?”
My lips parted, air retreating from my lungs like it didn’t want to be caught on the guilty edge of my answer. “No.” I swallowed. “Not all of it. I tried to tell him we weren’t together, but he assumed I meant… something different. I don’t think he’ll understand.”
Her face softened.
“After all this, you don’t think Wade is understanding?” A pale brow arched.
“I’m afraid to hope.”
An eerie realization dawned on her face. “Oh, sweetie.” She reached over and patted my hand. “Wade has always played by the rules. To appease his father. To protect his brother. If he feels the same about you… believing you were once Blaze’s…” She trailed off and shook her head. “I don’t think you have anything to be afraid of.”
As much as her words comforted me, it was easy for her to say. Easy when she wasn’t the one who’d never really had a boyfriend. When she wasn’t the one who’d spent the last decade finding herself and settling into the idea that love wasn’t in the cards. When she wasn’t the one who closeted her deepest, most ached for wishes because that was easier than acknowledging the picture of the intimate inn wedding would never come true.
Joanna let out a heavy sigh and looked at her son and then back to me. “Maybe one day, Blaze will figure himself out, and if he’s lucky, he’ll find someone like you, too.”
“Joanna—”
“A sister? A cousin, maybe?” She was teasing.
I grabbed another pastry and smiled, not bothering to tell her that my sister was married and?—
“Harper?” I started, seeing my cousin’s wide eyes in the window. I stood abruptly, hearing Joanna’s sharp gasp. “I’m so sorry. My… cousin is here. I’ll be right back.”