Chapter Ten
Nate woke up five minutes before his alarm more well-rested than he had any right to be, given the activities of the night before. He made himself a breakfast smoothie, took a quick trip down to the gym to run a few miles, then hit the shower and grabbed his go bag from the hall closet.
Aubrey was waiting for their car in front of the building, sipping his abominable canned coffee, but even the thought of that couldn’t dim Nate’s mood. “Morning.”
Aubrey gave him a once-over that made the back of Nate’s neck feel hot. “Good morning. You look relaxed.” He passed Nate a coffee from the kiosk. “Good night last night?”
Oh, is that how we’re playing it? Nate took a sip and wasn’t even surprised when it turned out to be his usual order. He didn’t know whether Aubrey had memorized it or if he’d asked the kiosk guy. “It was all right,” he said casually. “Yours?”
Aubrey’s mouth curved up in a smug smile. “Best night’s sleep I’ve had in weeks.”
They made small talk on the way to the airport. They had next weekend off for Thanksgiving, and Nate’s parents were coming to town. Aubrey, being of the (wrong) opinion that Thanksgiving was an October holiday, was considering spending five days in Hawaii.
Nate wondered if he’d find someone to enjoy it with.
That took some of the fun out of his morning. Nate didn’t like to think of himself as selfish, but if Aubrey was going to have sex, he should have it with Nate, who had years of near chastity to make up for.
“Maybe I’ll go visit my parents at Christmas,” Aubrey said with a shrug, sounding like he’d rather rip out his fingernails with pliers.
That derailed Nate’s jealousy spiral. “You really don’t get along with them, huh?”
“It’s less that we don’t get along and more that we’re locked in a continuous cycle of mutual disappointment.
” He turned away from the window and put his empty coffee can in the trash bag on the back of the seat.
“They wanted a son who would take over the business, or at least one who’d have a family they could leave the business to.
I wanted parents who cared about me more than building their empire. ”
Suddenly so many things about Aubrey made sense. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I mean, I’m lucky. My parents love me. They’re not homophobic. I never went to bed hungry or whatever. They supported me when I wanted to be a figure skater. I had every advantage in life.”
Not every one, Nate thought, reminiscing on his own childhood.
He’d always felt close with his family. “I had a typical hockey mom,” he offered, feeling the need to reciprocate somehow.
“She used to get a part-time job whenever school was in to pay for all the hockey sticks, ’cause I kept breaking them.
She never said that was why she did it, but I knew. ”
Aubrey looked away from the window and favored him with a soft smile. “She must be proud of you.”
Nate swallowed. “I think so.” Then he shook his head as another memory hit him. “Tell you what, though, it wasn’t all smooth sailing. I thought she was going to hit the roof the day she caught me with my hand down Danny’s pants.”
Aubrey raised an eyebrow, that soft expression sharpening into amusement. “Oh?”
“I was fourteen. I wasn’t out. I mean, I wasn’t actively hiding it—at least not very well—”
Aubrey laughed, and Nate did too. Nate’s idea of not actively hiding it and Aubrey’s were probably a little different.
“—but I hadn’t told my parents. Mom was… surprised. Good, though. I think it would’ve been worse if I was caught with a girl. At least with Danny, neither of us could get pregnant.”
“Can’t jeopardize that budding NHL career.” Aubrey shook his head. “Though I guess being gay is its own kind of jeopardy. Probably not as much as a baby at fourteen.”
“That would’ve been a real nightmare.” Nate leaned his head back against the seat and closed his eyes. There was traffic on the way to O’Hare. Well, it was Chicago; there was always traffic.
“Did you want kids?” Aubrey asked suddenly, and Nate’s eyes snapped open again. “Or I mean, maybe you still do. Still don’t?”
Aubrey could really put his foot in his mouth when he put his mind to it. Among other things. “I always did. Marty and I planned on it, you know, in that vague ‘after retirement’ way.”
“Not just because it’s what hockey players do?”
“No. I like kids.” Admitting it felt bittersweet now, since God knew when or if he’d ever have any. “What about you?” he asked, half joking, half to deflect attention.
Aubrey opened his mouth as though to give a prepared answer, then paused.
Nate watched his shoulders creep toward his ears and then back down again as he fought some kind of instinctive reaction.
Then he said, “I, uh, I never thought I did. I had all those wild oats, and it’s not like I had great parenting role models.
But uh, therapy, right? A lot of the hang-ups I’ve had in the past were just excuses to keep evading my own issues.
I’m overcoming my compulsive need to be the center of attention.
And kids… maybe. I like them, but that’s not the same as wanting my own.
Is it weird if I say I’ve never really thought about it? ”
“Not weird,” Nate decided. Given Aubrey’s relationship with his family, it made sense. Sad, maybe, but he didn’t say that out loud. “It makes you think, though.”
“Hmm?”
“I spent my whole life doing what people expected, regardless of whether it was what I wanted. And you spent your whole life doing whatever you wanted no matter what people expected. But here we are.”
Aubrey tilted his head.
“Are you happy?” Nate blurted.
Aubrey’s mouth dropped open. Then he looked at his watch. “Nate. It’s not even ten a.m.”
“You can wait until after cocktail hour to answer if you want.” Maybe he’d overstepped.
But maybe not. “Are you?” Aubrey countered after a moment.
“I’m not unhappy.” He had a good life—a good job, a nice place to live, fairly few worries, a few good friends, a loving family.
“But I think if I’d made different decisions—if I’d really thought about what I wanted instead of what other people wanted for me—I don’t know.
Maybe I’d be happier.” Now for the uncomfortably honest part.
“You seem like you’ve done the opposite.
I was just wondering if you thought it was better—if it made you happier in the long run. ”
“I think there’s a saying about this,” Aubrey mused without answering the question. “Something about—happiness is appreciating what you have, rather than having everything you want.”
Nate sipped his coffee and looked out the window. “Maybe you should get me the number for your therapist.”
Aubrey laughed. “Therapy’s not that simple. I read that on a fortune cookie.”
Nate’s stomach rumbled. “I wonder if there’s a good Chinese place in Tampa.”
They pulled up to the airport, and Aubrey tipped the driver while Nate got their bags. When Aubrey slipped off after Security to indulge in his airport pulp fiction habit, Nate grabbed breakfast pastries and staked out a couple chairs in the lounge.
Before he could get more than a bite into his croissant, Kelly sat down in the chair across from him.
Nate wouldn’t say he panicked. Nate would not say he shat his metaphorical pants. Nate would not say those things, but they were still true.
“So,” Kelly said. Nate’s balls tried to crawl back up into his body. “You’ve been kind of hard to pin down the past couple weeks.”
Fuuuuuck.
“Uh, sorry,” Nate said, knowing it sounded feeble.
Before Aubrey, he’d spent a lot of time with Kelly on breaks in filming.
He’d always had lunches with her too. But he had a feeling she was talking about more than the fact that she was eating alone.
“It’s just been a really busy few weeks, you know?
Trying to get ready for the holiday and everything. ”
Kelly crossed her legs and raised an eyebrow. “Wow. Good thing you’re a sports announcer and not an actor.”
Nate winced but didn’t bother trying to defend himself.
“I don’t get it,” Kelly said. “Devon said your date went well. But you haven’t returned his calls. You ghosted him. That’s pretty shitty.”
“Yeah.” Well, it was. Nate had managed to reply to one text, but it was a trite it’s not you, sorry that he still cringed even thinking about. “I know. I….”
“I mean, either you’re going to call him and do a lot of groveling, or….” She sighed. “Maybe this was a dumb idea. I should’ve stayed out of it.”
She sounded like she meant it. She looked like it too, which made it that much worse—especially since Nate was the one who’d introduced her to Caley. He knew she wanted to return the favor.
“No, it’s not your fault. When we talked the first time, I really did think I wanted to start dating again, I just….”
Aubrey came into the lounge, nose already buried in the paperback. One of these days he was going to run into something, or someone.
“I’m not looking for anything serious right now,” Nate forced himself to say. There. The honest truth. Not that he’d consider Devon either way, but Devon didn’t have to know that. “I thought I was, but I’m not.”
It wasn’t until Kelly softened and the tension eased from her face and posture that Nate realized he’d made her believe he wasn’t over the divorce. “Oh. Nate, I’m sorry too. It’s really none of my business, but I want you to be happy, you know?”
“I do, and I appreciate that.”
Nate was saved from having to elaborate further when Aubrey took the chair across from Kelly, barely looking up from his book. Nate nudged the pastry bag at him, and he took it without looking.
“But I’m actually pretty happy being single,” Nate finished, which was also weirdly true. He hadn’t had one of those moments of self-pity in weeks.
She shrugged. “If you say so.”
Fortunately their flight was called for boarding before anyone could choose a more awkward conversation topic. Saved by the buzzer.