Chapter 13
CHAPTER
THIRTEEN
GEORGIA
With his arm draped across the back of my chair, Cam brushes his thumb in slow circles between my shoulder blades where his hand rests.
With my family staying for dinner, we’ve not had a chance for a one-on-one conversation about today, but I know from the constant eye and physical contact that he’s worried about me.
The empty pizza boxes have been discarded, and the leftovers packed away. Now there’s just wine and bourbon bottles, an ice bucket, and glasses on the table that two of my older brother’s, their wives, my daughters, and my husband and I sit around.
“So, today, we gonna unpack it, or just make out like it didn’t happen?” Marley asks with a loud clap of his hands—something my dad always does. I smile at the fact that the older Marls gets, the more he looks like dad, too.
“Well, can I just start by saying—”
“Depends on whether it’s PG or not. My daughters are present,” Cam interrupts whatever it was Ashley was about to say.
“See, this is what I was on about earlier. No one gets to finish what—”
“As I was about to say before being rudely interrupted! Thank you, Cameron and Jamie,” Ash cuts Jimmie off, making us all laugh.
“Let’s just raise a glass to Lennon for not being afraid to be in touch with his feminine side by sharing his knowledge that Coach Carryall, and Miss Z Louboutin’s even exist! ” Ash raises her glass.
We all follow and give a collective ‘cheers’.
“Wife.” Len points at Jim. “Sister, sister-in-law.” He points between me and Ash. “Daughters, nieces.” He raises his chin in the girls’ direction. “I’ve had some great educators over the years and have absolutely no issue with being in touch with or showing my feminine side.”
That earns him a round of applause.
“George, you doing okay, got anything to say?” Marley asks when the room eventually falls silent again.
I’m acutely aware that Cam’s thumb stopped moving the instant Marls directed his question at me, so I speak quickly to reassure him.
“You know what, I’m actually okay. Having you and Len join in wasn’t what I was expecting, but it kind of made it easier.
Having my big brothers by my side, it was…
it just felt right. You’ve been there with me through so much of it.
All of it really, so it felt right to have you by my side as we do this.
” My lips tremble as I fight the tears. They’re not tears of sadness, but of pride and gratitude.
“Thank you for your support.” I raise my glass, and everyone follows suit.
I let out a long sigh before continuing. “What about you two?” I ask my brothers. “Knowing I was doing this, I’ve had months to prepare. You two went in blind.”
I watch Len twist his tumbler in circles, occasionally wiping his finger up the length of the glass to catch the condensation as he stares into it.
“I know Jimmie’s pissed off with me and would probably prefer if we’d had this conversation at home, in private.
” He turns to look at Jim, who’s already looking at him.
“Doing it unprepared was better, for me at least. I always knew I felt something, a certain type of way about what happened in Paris and the fallout, but it wasn’t till I sat there listening to Marley talk about his guilt and regret, and you talking about how you wished you’d been more emotionally mature and given Mac a chance, that it finally hit me.
It was guilt and regret I felt, too. The whole thing was like a cataclysmic chain of events, a perfect storm of bad choices, by a bunch of children—because that’s what we were back then, still kids—that led to things playing out the way they did.
Each of us, including Maca, had a part to play.
I’m just glad that, today, I was able to put a voice to what I’ve felt all these years. ”
Silence.
Absolute silence until Jimmie scoots her chair closer to Len’s and leans into him. He puts his arm around her and pulls her closer.
“I think you all did amazingly well. I know you all think I’ve got a big mouth with plenty to say, but stick a camera in my face and I freeze up every time.
For you to sit there like you did, George, looking at those pictures from when you were kids, listening to Marls talk about Paris…
I think you did amazingly well, and it’s going to make some epic viewing,” Ash states.
“Honestly, there weren’t that many revelations. I didn’t know the exact details of what happened in Paris, but I got the general idea that Sean and Marley weren’t living like saints when it happened.”
“What about your little revelation with the eating disorder?” Jimmie questions.
I lean into Cam more. “It’s like I said, it was a control thing. I didn’t stop eating, I just made sure I burned more than I consumed.”
“How did it stop? How’d you get a grip?” Kiki asks me.
“I came down the stairs one morning, all dressed and ready to go to work at the shop. It was right before I was about to move into the little flat above, and as I walked into the kitchen, dots started to dance in front of my eyes. Then I got this weird pins and needles feeling all over me. Next thing I knew, I was waking up in my dad’s arms, being carried to his car.
He and my mum took me to the hospital. I had lots of tests, and it was discovered I was anaemic, dehydrated, and about two stone underweight.
I was kept in, assessed, referred to a private clinic in Primrose Hill, and that’s where I stayed as an inpatient for two weeks, I continued to visit as an outpatient for a couple of months after, too. ”
“And you never thought to tell me?” Jimmie sits up straighter.
“I never told a soul. I was working with Ash and never even told her. Only my mum and dad knew. Until today, they’re the only people who’ve ever known.”
“She didn’t tell you?” Jim tilts her head toward Cam.
“No,” he answers, and I can feel his head shake behind me.
“How’d you feel about that?” Kiki asks him.
“Yeah, Dad, how’d you feel about all of this?
We’ve kind of grown up knowing Mum had this whole other life before you: another husband, two babies who died.
And you know what, sometimes I get sick of hearing about it.
Everyone bangs on about Maca and how tragic his death was, how Mum was left with nothing.
People actually say that to me, ‘Oh, your poor mum. She lost everything.’ Yeah, she did, but then she found it all again with my dad, and if all of that hadn’t happened to her, me, Kiks, and George wouldn’t be here, but nobody thinks of that.
Nobody thinks about how what they’re saying might make me or my brother and sister feel, but especially, how it might make my dad feel.
So, tell us, Dad. How does it make you feel? ”
Tallulah’s words cleave me in half. If I wasn’t already sitting, I’d probably have fallen to the floor. My arms feel like lead, my legs like jelly, my body like I’ve been punched in the gut, then thrown into a turbulent sea while winded. I’m drowning, and I can’t think of a single word to say.
“Let’s start with how I don’t feel, shall we?
” Cam says, low and quiet from beside me.
“Never, not once since we got back together, have I doubted how much your mum loves me. Never, not once, have I doubted how much she loves you, your brothers and sister, and I’m including Harry in that statement because she’s never treated, loved, or thought of him as anything but hers. ”
On cue, my nose tingles and tears burn at my eyes.
“Why does this assumption that if Sean and their babies had lived, you wouldn’t be here, only apply to your mum? I had a wife and child who died, too. Why do you assume if that hadn’t have happened, I wouldn’t have still ended up with your mum?”
“Because your first wife wasn’t the love of your life. Mum is,” Kiks says quietly.
“She is, but I was married before I ever met your mum, and probably would’ve stayed married to Chantelle, raised our kids, never known your mum existed, and you wouldn’t be here.
Or I could’ve met your mum, left my wife, your mum left Sean, and we still could’ve ended up together, right?
Who the fuck knows, and you’re going to drive yourself insane trying to work the answers to all that out.
Life’s full of what ifs, twists, and wrong and right turns.
Our lives especially took us on the longest fucking journey to get to each other, but here we are.
Here you are. How far do you want to take it back, Lu?
What if your nan’s dad hadn’t moved over from Ireland, my family hadn’t moved down from Scotland?
It’s taken around fifty-one generations of what ifs, of right place, right time, or wrong place, wrong time moments for you to be here.
Why are you so focused on your mum’s path?
You were praising her earlier, telling her she was the bravest person you know—”
“She is,” Lu interjects, her eyes shining with tears. “I just worry about how all this makes you feel?”
“You sure? Because it sounds a lot like you’re questioning your mum’s love for me and our family.”
I love him. How? How did I get so fucking lucky?
“I’m not. I’m not, Mum.” Lu fixes me with her blue eyes. “I’m just explaining how I feel when people say that shit.”
“And your feelings are perfectly valid, Lu,” I whisper. “I’m sorry people are insensitive enough to say that shit to you.”
“People are dicks, Tallulah. Fuck ’em all,” Ash advises.
“Fuck ’em all,” is chanted by everyone around the table as we, once again, raise our glasses.
Cam leans back in his chair and lets out a long breath. I still can’t look at him.