Chapter 21 #8
After a lunch of various sandwiches, cakes, and cups of tea, during which my mum became best friends with Daniel—my dad not so much—extra stools are brought in from my kitchen, so everyone can sit comfortably and watch what’s coming next.
Jim, Ash, and I are on the sofa. Two of my dining chairs are now on either end, so the boys can sit more comfortably.
Our makeup has been touched up, and we’re good to go.
“It’s late ’99. You’re married, back from your travels, you’ve had your run-in with Haley White, and you’re trying for a baby,” Daniel says as he sets the scene.
“We were. I had an inkling I was pregnant before Christmas. More than an inkling, I knew. But the boys were booked to play a millennium concert in New York on New Year’s Eve, and I thought it would be a good idea to wait, do a test there, and tell Sean then,” I explain.
“Yeah, you whispering in his ear while he was up on stage sent the whole world into a frenzy,” Daniel says. “Iconic.”
“Again, there’d been so much speculation about us: we couldn’t have kids because I was infertile due to my anorexia, Sean was infertile because of all of the drugs he took and the STDs he had, the old chestnut about Sean being gay, then the following week, I’d be pregnant, but it wasn’t Sean’s.
It was relentless and exhausting. So, I just thought let’s tell him in the most public of ways so there was no story other than that story for the press to run with. ”
“You happy to see the footage?” Daniel asks.
I nod, not sure if I am.
The first video that plays is an interview we did with the network airing before the New Year’s Eve show. We didn’t do these very often because Sean hated them, but we were happy and in a good place, full of plans, so he agreed.
After Elaine, the female presenter, had introduced us, she started by asking about our Christmas and what our plans for the new millennium were.
“I’d like to slow down,” Sean tells Elaine. “We’ve taken some time out this year, spent most of it travelling, and it’s been great. But we’ve just bought a new house back in England, which we want to do lots of renovations on.”
“Will the renovations include a nursery?” Elaine asks.
We both smile, and Sean looks at me.
“We’re hoping to be in need of a nursery next year, so those works are included in our plans,” I say.
I already knew I was pregnant after doing multiple tests the previous morning, and I can see by my face how much I was bursting to tell Sean, or the world.
“You look so bloody happy, G,” Jimmie says as she rests her head on my shoulder. “Both of you. Just look at the way you’re so lit up at the mention of having a baby.”
“That’s because I knew I was pregnant. I’d done the test, lots of them, the morning before, but I’d thought I was pregnant since before Christmas.”
“It’ll happen when it’s meant to,” Sean says. “We have a lot of work to do on the house to get it how we want it. In the meantime, we can just enjoy trying.” He looks from Elaine down at me and wiggles his thick, dark brows, the flecks of gold shining in his brown eyes.
And then a thought strikes, unbidden, but with pinpoint precision, right at the front of my brain. Cam’s watching this, and the house we’re talking about renovating, building a nursery in, is the house we bought from him. The house he bought for me.
I chance a quick look over my shoulder. My husband is sitting on a stool, flanked by our daughters. His eyes remain on the screen, and I know he’s purposefully not looking at me.
It makes my stomach ache.
I turn back to the screen and see Sean is talking about the new album the band would be working on the next year, explaining that there would be no big world tour with this one, just random dates in a few different countries. The interview ends, and the footage switches to later that night.
The band had been on stage for almost an hour. Midnight was approaching, meaning they’d get a break as the ball dropped, but then they had another set lasting about forty-five minutes to get through after. It was a lot, but they were being paid millions.
I’d spoken to the show’s producer and director and told them what I wanted to do. They were thrilled to get the exclusive, and even told the presenters to tell the viewers to stay tuned for an important Carnage announcement.
I watched from off camera as Sean stood on the edge of the stage, his leather trousers low on his hips, completely shirtless, dripping in sweat.
With his arms in the air, he stilled when the song came to an end.
That’s when I got the nod, and on screen, you see me walking out to join him.
At first, the crowd aren’t sure what’s happening.
Then Sean steps back, and I’m there waiting.
I look exactly how I was feeling in that moment, like I didn’t know if I wanted a shit, shave, or haircut as my dad would say.
“You look terrified, George,” Jimmie says.
“I was.”
“We wondered what the fuck you were doing,” Ash adds.
“Len called it as soon as you whispered in his ear. Len knew what you’d told him,” Jimmie says, revealing something I didn’t know.
“Hey, baby,” Sean says when he sees me standing there.
There’s not even a flicker of confusion on his face as to why I’m by his side.
Reaching for my hand, he pulls me in and kisses me.
Then, stepping back, he holds up our joined hands and says to the crowd, “This is my beautiful wife, New York City. Just look at her! Ain’t she pretty? ”
The crowd goes wild. He pulls me back in, and this time when he kisses me, I hand him the stick with the two little blue lines on it.
“Happy New Year, baby. We’re pregnant,” I say in his ear.
The crowd couldn’t hear me, but there was a camera right in our faces for the viewers at home.
“Wha…?” Sean doesn’t get the whole word out before looking down at the test, then at me.
He heaves out a breath, someone hands him a towel, he wipes the sweat from his face, and then his shoulders shake in what is either a silent laugh or sob—I’m not sure.
But his eyes fill with tears. He pushes away the camera that’s trying to get between us, throws his arm over my shoulder, and pulls me against him.
Stepping towards the mic, he says, “My wife…” And now he’s full-on crying, and so am I.
“My beautiful Gia has just made me the happiest man alive.” He pauses, and in the past, I’d thought it was for effect, but I can see now it’s because he’s trying to compose himself enough to be able to speak.
He wipes at his eyes with the towel. Someone has now placed another one over his shoulders because it’s absolutely freezing.
“She’s pregnaaaaaaaant!” he roars into the mic.
The crowd goes wild. Jimmie, Ash, Len, and Marley surround us.
The countdown begins immediately, and suddenly we’re in a new millennium, with fireworks, streamers, and sparklers going off all around us as we kiss and cuddle those we love most, while filled with so much hope and excitement.
And it’s all there, up on that screen. Our joy and our happiness on display for everyone to see.
For a few moments, I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel, because I’m here and I’m happy. I have more than I could ever have hoped for, and he’s gone, and I love and I miss him, but I still, even after twenty-five fucking years, don’t know if that’s allowed.
A big hand appears over my shoulder with a wad of tissues. I take them and dab at my face.
“Thank you,” I say, then look up at him. “You okay? I’m sorry about the bit about the house,” I attempt to say without crying, and fail. “I’m sorry, so sorry.”
“Not gonna lie…” He leans forward. “Not your fault, but watching it fucking hurt.”
“Cam.”
Before I can say another word, Ashley reaches across and takes Cam’s hand that was on my shoulder. “Can I tell you something?” she asks.
“Is it going to make me feel like I’m being stabbed in the heart?” he asks, making me feel even worse.
“I hope not,” she replies.
“Then, go for it.”
“Watching all of this, us talking, watching the videos, interviews, and seeing photos and all that…. you know what I think?”
“Tell me,” Cam replies.
“He was her boy, but you? You’re her man.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved Maca, but there’s no way in a million lifetimes he could’ve sat here like you have and watched George up there, so very much in love, if the roles were reversed.
That takes a man. You’re that man—her man—and that’s something he never was. ”
Cam presses his lips together, but they still tremble.
“And I’m sorry George, I just need to put this out there because it’s bothered me for years.
. . I know Romeo and Juliet was your song, yours and Maca’s, but every time I hear that line, ‘It’s just that the time was wrong’, I think of Cam, specifically, you and Cam.
” Ash let’s out a long slow breath as her eyes slice between me and my husband, and I know, that I’ll never hear that song the same way again.
“We love you big man Thank you for loving our Georgia the way you do. We all know it can’t be easy. Especially since you also have to put up with her weird family. But at least you get me and Jim as a consolation prize, right?” Ash says, not a trace of a smile on her lips.
Cam, on the other hand, does smile.
“Thanks, Ash. You and Jim are the only reason I’m able to get out of bed and face each day,” he tells her with a wink.
“I know, babe, I know,” she says as she pats the back of his hand.
His eyes shift to me. “Is there anything you want?”
“Just you close,” I tell him.
“Why don’t you sit here? I’ll sit on Marley’s lap,” Ash suggests.
“How about you stay where you are, and Georgia sits on my lap?” he offers instead.
“Perfect,” Ash says, and my eyes slide to Marley as she does.
He’s looking at her like he’s just seeing her for the first time.
“Your wife’s amazing,” I tell him.
“Struck gold there, didn’t I? Think I’ll keep her.”
“Think you should,” I reply with a smile.