Chapter 18
chapter eighteen
There was already snow on the ground—a perfect start to Christmas Day. I pulled up to the curb, turning to Jack. “Keep Fishy contained. I really hope he doesn’t pee in my car.”
“Yeah, you can’t really Swiffer the seats like you can your floor. I’ll try to keep him from looking out the window.”
I pulled on the handle and opened the door, immediately wincing at the sheer force of the icicles breezing into the air.
I rubbed my hands up and down my arms, trying to gather as much warmth as possible as I jogged into the space between the buildings.
Thankfully, Tobi wasn’t sitting on the snow-covered ground.
He was leaning against the wall behind him, wearing the jacket I’d given him.
He turned his head, looking straight at me. When he smiled, I could tell. “Hey, Callum.”
He was drunk. “Hey. Thanks for coming down here so I could check on you.”
“No worries. You were right. I did some Googlin’ about withdrawal.”
I kicked some of the snow around my feet. “You didn’t know already?”
“Never had a reason to. Until now. How do you know so much about it?”
I stared at him for a second, really wondering if he was seriously asking me that question. “My parents chose alcohol over me, Tobi.”
The moment it sunk in for him, his eyes dimmed as his entire face pulled into some sort of horrified yet distraught expression. Had he really forgotten? “Fuck. Yeah, no wonder you know so much about it.” He sighed, shaking his head. “I’m sorry, Callum. I really am.”
“For which part?”
He shrugged, leaning his head back. “For becoming the type of monster you’ve already escaped before.”
I took a single step back. It was instinct. He was so bright. So fucking bright, and I saw it written in the sky above us. I could see the moment it’d happened so vividly. An explosion so big and so powerful, it threatened to knock me off my feet.
A piece of him was slowly dying.
A new star was being born.
A supernova so bright, I could hardly stand to watch it. Did he realize it himself? Or was I the only one who could see it? Last night was just the beginning—Tobi was getting closer, even if he didn’t know it yet. I just had to let him come to me. I couldn’t rush it.
“You’re not a monster, Tobi. You’re hurt. It’s different.”
He let his head roll against the wall. “Don’t comfort me, Callum. It ain’t deserved, and it ain’t worth it. Go enjoy your Christmas. I’m gonna try to scrounge up somethin’ to eat and head back to Driftwood.”
I’d say we were making progress even if he couldn’t see it, but who was I to decide that?
Christmas dinner had been chaos, but it was the type of chaos that was lovable. The kind that reminded me how full my heart was and how rich my life was. Fishy was having the time of his life with Willow and David’s puppy, Fred.
Yeah, Fishbowl and Fred. Best of friends.
Crew and Price were arguing over whether to ask us for help taking down all their decorations, per usual.
It always ended up the same—Crew would whine and say it was unfair because we were guests in their home, Price would use logic and reason because he knew we didn’t mind, and we’d end up helping them anyway.
We’d take everything down and pack it up except for them.
Jack was glued to the couch, rubbing his stomach after gorging himself on the meals of professional cooks. He couldn’t stop talking about how good everything was, and I kept having to remind him that we’d get to take home leftovers since Crew really did buy enough to feed a small army.
I, on the other hand, was glued to the couch because I couldn’t stop thinking about Tobi. He would’ve loved this. He would’ve hated missing everyone. Or maybe not. The old Tobi would have. Would the Tobi now?
I hated thinking about him like that. The Tobi I knew before versus the Tobi that’d sat in front of me and told me he’d deserved all the abuse he’d endured.
The idea filled me with simmering hot rage deep in my gut, waiting to be unleashed, though I couldn’t do anything about it.
I wouldn’t know where to begin. I wouldn’t know who to target.
If I gave in, I’d find a flaw in everyone I saw walking down the street.
They could all be guilty, and I wouldn’t know the difference.
For Tobi, I’d do anything. I’d become a rabid dog with only one thing in mind—to protect. Protect what was mine, even though I couldn’t call him that anymore.
“You gonna help get this down, Cal?”
I looked up, slowly coming back from it all. Willow stood in front of me, a hand on her hip. “Oh, yeah. Yeah, I’ll do that. Sorry.”
“Hey,” Jack leaned closer to me and whispered. “You doing okay?”
No. No, I wasn’t doing okay, but I wouldn’t be okay until Tobi was okay. “I’m fine. Uh, hey, can I go smoke real quick before we start?”
Willow shrugged. “I don’t mind. Just be quick. We’re gonna start without you.”
“Want me to come?” Jack asked.
“Nah, I’m good. I’ll be back in a moment. You can start helping them if you want, though.”
I found my way out onto the porch, looking over the fluffy, gorgeous snow that had fallen and covered the grass.
It was really fucking cold. Too cold for me to be standing out here like I was, but I understood.
I understood a tiny, small percentage of what Tobi meant when he said drinking numbed him and made things go away.
I’d never fully understand to the extent to which he experienced it, but I’d be a hypocrite if I said I didn’t have a vice of my own.
Smoking made the anxiety just a little bit better.
A little easier to handle. I could grip the air with my hands and feel like I was in a true reality instead of just aimlessly drifting in a fuzzy, confused state of nothing and everything all at once.
Anxiety played with my body, torturing it from the inside of my brain outward.
Nicotine made it better, if I was lucky enough.
Sometimes, the hand-to-mouth movement didn’t distract me enough, and the smoke wasn’t visible enough to keep my focus on, and the way my lungs burned a little when I inhaled didn’t satisfy the need to feel something besides the racing thoughts and tingling that crept into the back of my head and wouldn’t stop.
Silent disco. Calm on the outside. Complete and utter chaos on the inside. Discos weren’t fun. Anxiety attacks were even less fun. Impending panic attacks? The absolute fucking worst.
The door creaked open behind me just as I took the first drag of my cigarette. I watched as Crew came to stand beside me, placing his hands on the railing. I guess we weren’t going to talk.
My breath mixed with the smoke and the chill in the air, creating its own new mist. It was fascinating enough for now—at least until the restlessness in my body and mind grew to be too much.
“Did you lie to me?”
It caught me so off guard, I had to turn the other way to cough the half-inhaled smoke out of my lungs. It burned. I kind of liked it.
Still coughing a little, I was finally able to look at him through teary eyes. “What?”
Crew rested his side against the wood, crossing his arms. “About Tobi. Did you really think I wouldn’t notice you walking across the street with food every day?
I got curious. I stepped outside one day when you walked over there and used my phone camera to zoom in.
You were talking to a very suspiciously Tobi-looking man. ”
What the fuck was I supposed to say to that?
Instead of saying anything immediately, I placed the cigarette between my lips and took a long, deep pull.
I focused on the way the end burned a bright orange, turning into an almost amber glow.
Was it ever enough? No. I wanted to feel the fire beneath my diaphragm.
I wanted to feel the stars inside of me explode, just like Tobi.
I wanted to be reborn into something new.
Something younger. Something less… No. I wanted to be something more.
More important. More knowledgeable. More forgiving. More.
After stalling for maybe a minute longer, I finally gave Crew an answer. “Yeah. I lied. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to give you any false hope or information until I knew something more concrete. It’s still kind of touch-and-go with him.”
“Does he not have somewhere to stay?”
“He does for the moment. Jack finally convinced him to stay in this makeshift room he has at the bar. I’ve been bringing him stuff like food and water. He even accepted a shirt and jacket from me the other day.”
He tilted his head up, staring at the porch covering. “He’s changed a lot, but also not at all, huh? He was never the best at accepting things from people.”
“No. No, he wasn’t. He’s just a hell of a lot more stubborn and vocal about it now.
” I squatted down, reaching between the porch slats to snuff the glowing flame on the end of my cigarette into the snow.
“Mix that with the alcohol, and it’s like walking on eggshells to make sure I don’t say or do the wrong thing to make him run.
I don’t know when to push. I don’t know how much. It’s a mess, C.”
“Yeah, it makes sense why you’re out here having the disco of your life instead of in there helping us take my decorations down.”
“Sorry. I’ll come inside now.” I was already heading back to the door when he stopped me.
“Hold on.” He stood directly in front of me.
“It hurts. Like, a lot. It feels like my heart is about to explode out of my chest at the thought of Tobi being back but not willing to talk to any of us. But I also know that, if there’s one thing I’m certain about quiet little Tobi, it’s how much he loves you.
That kind of devotion and awe?” He shook his head.
“That doesn’t just go away. No matter the time.
No matter the distance. And Tobi had determination and drive at some point—surely, he still has it. ”
I searched for something in Crew’s eyes. Just beyond the beautiful light blue color lay a world of icebergs and vast, open waters. The water was sparkling. Glimmering beneath the sun above it. “You’re saying you have hope?”
“I have more than hope. I have logic and knowledge. Tobi is great at surviving. I figured that out when we were kids, though I wish that’d never happened.
But it means I know exactly how strong he is.
And I know without a doubt that he’ll come back to us.
It just…” He sighed. “It took a few days and a lot of talking to Price and a good therapy session for me to even consider that, despite having seen the evidence.”
“Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense.”
“Good.” He patted me on the shoulder. “Make sure to take some of these leftovers to him tonight if you can.”
I knocked on the door and waited for an answer. The bag in my other hand was starting to slip, but I was already so anxious I couldn’t bring myself to take my hand off the doorknob so I could open it the moment I got a response.
“Who is it?”
“It’s Callum. I brought something.”
The doorknob started moving by itself, startling me as Tobi opened the door. “Oh, hi. What’d you bring?”
I followed him into the small, cramped room, setting the bag on the cot just like before.
“We spent time with the OG staff and some of their plus ones today. Crew bought way too much shit as usual, and Price cooked way too much shit as usual. So, I brought some leftovers. I warmed them in the break room microwave, so they should still be warm if they aren’t hot. ”
“Oh, wow.” Tobi got situated back on the cot, facing me as I sat on the stool in front of him. “This is a lot of food.”
“Yep. It’s all yours if you want it. Keep it here. Heat it up when you need to.”
He looked at the food containers and then back up at me. “You gonna eat with me?”
“If you’re okay with that.”
“Yeah, no, of course.”
I pulled out the plates and plastic silverware before working to pull the lids off each container. “Is your stomach, uh…” I trailed off, not really sure how to ask the real question I had.
Tobi grabbed one of the plates, keeping his head down. “I ain’t sober. I ain’t shit-faced drunk. My stomach is doing just fine this time.”
I nodded, even though it broke my heart. I was sure it’d keep breaking my heart, but I was meeting him where he was. I was accepting him as he was. “Did you find something to eat earlier?”
“Yeah,” he said just as he was swallowing his first bite. “Fuck, this is good. But, yeah, there’s this guy who recognizes me from the subway, and he likes to trade with me. Sometimes, he’ll split food he’s got, and I’ll do the same, eventually.”
“Oh, good. I’m glad. You gonna split this with him?”
“Fuck no. He’d think I was lyin’ to him if I showed up with food this well made. I’ll repay him somehow at some point.”
“That makes sense, I guess.”
He shrugged. “I’m still learning the etiquette, but most people are pretty cool.” He set his plate down, most of the food almost completely gone. How hungry had he been? “Oh, yeah. Was that a dog I saw in your car with Jack?”
I smiled. I couldn’t help it. Just thinking about Fishy made me feel a million times better. “It sure was.”
“What kind? It looked cute, but I couldn’t see it very well.”
“Uh,” I had to think about it really hard. Fishy was quite the enigma. “Well, he’s definitely some kind of standard dachshund mix, but I don’t know what he’s mixed with. He’s just cute, long, has stumpy legs, and is the most excitable yet lazy and sassy dog I’ve ever met. I love him dearly.”
Tobi’s smile grew wider with each description I threw out there.
Fuck, his smile was so bright and beautiful.
I’d missed it so much. “He sounds really cute. I always wanted a dog of my own. Growing up, we just had the chickens, and my mom was too scared about dogs or cats eating them, so we never got any. I was always so jealous of the other kids.”
“Getting him was the best decision of my life. He’s great company. He would’ve loved seeing you a bit too much, though. He loves new people, so Jack kept him from looking out the window.”
“Aw, I would’ve loved to say hi.”
The chuckle he gave as he said it made me pause. These were the first true signs of happiness I’d seen from him in so long. It was genuine. It was real. What if… No, it was too early, right?
Or should I trust my instincts more with how far to push?
The conversation I’d had with Crew earlier had me thinking.
If Tobi still had that love—if he still had that determination and drive deep within him—then maybe I didn’t have to walk on eggshells.
I knew Tobi, too. I understood him. At one point, I knew him better than anyone else did.
Deciding to go with my gut, I looked up at him and tilted my head.
Underneath the years of pain hidden by his beard and the new lines etched into his face I didn’t get to watch grow was still my Tobi.
Even if he was a little different. Even if he was more hurt.
I knew him. My soul knew his. “Do you want to come meet him?”