Chapter 31
chapter thirty-one
I’d woken up missing Papa that morning, just a remnant of a nightmare haunting me as I fought my eyelids open. When I came to, I realized Tobi was right behind me, and that almost made me miss Papa more.
He never got to see Tobi come home. He never got to see how much Tobi had changed. Fuck, I missed him. I missed him so much it was about to kill me. And I still had to clean out his house. Everything else was mostly taken care of, so that was the final thing. Clean out his house and sell it.
I didn’t want to sell it, though. I didn’t want to clean out his house. I wanted my papa. I wanted him so bad it made me feel like I was nine all over again, running to his house because Mommy and Daddy were being scary and they wouldn’t make me dinner.
“Wow,” Tobi gasped. “Jesus, I didn’t realize how bad my eyesight had gotten.”
Despite where my head had gone, I smiled. He was officially on Fire and Ice’s payroll, which meant he had insurance and could get glasses again. His first full day was tomorrow, and I knew he was anxious about it. “Can you see better?”
“Oh, so much better. Holy shit. You’re way more pretty when I got these on. Lemme look at ya.” He held his hands out, grabbing my face and staring at me.
I laughed, staying as still as possible. “Am I?”
“Yes. Holy cow, I can see your pores. And you’ve got some gray in your beard.”
My eyes widened as I reached up to touch my chin. “I do? I didn’t know that. I didn’t need to know that, I don’t think.”
“It’s cute. I like it.” He kissed my chin.
“I don’t. I’m only thirty-three. Why am I going gray already?”
Tobi patted my shoulder. “Welcome to gettin’ older. Did Grandpa Stanton go gray early? Or your dad?”
“I have no clue. I never asked.”
“Don’t stress about it, baby. You’re hot either way.”
Sighing, I plopped on the couch, petting Fishy’s back. Tobi’s glasses reminded me of our time before. They were the same black frames, too. I liked them.
Tobi sat on the cushion beside me, putting his arm around my shoulders. He’d been a lot more affectionate recently, and I definitely wasn’t complaining. It gave me hope. Hope that we’d really be okay. “What’s wrong? Is it the gray hair? I’m telling you, you look hot.”
“No, but thank you. I’m just thinking about Pops. All the shit I have to deal with, and how much I miss him.”
“Oh, honey. I’m so sorry.” He rubbed my back in soothing circles. “Have you visited his grave since the funeral?”
“No. I didn’t think I’d be strong enough to.”
“You are strong. But you don’t have to always be. I can come with you if you want to go.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, of course. I’d like to see him, too, actually.” He patted his lap for Fishy to come sit on it. “There’s a lot I wanna say to him.”
I leaned my head on his shoulder, sighing. “Thanks, baby doll. I, uh. I think I want to do that. Do you think the guys would help me with his house?”
“Oh, I know they would. We’re family, ain’t we?”
Yeah, he had a point. There was no doubt everyone would help us. It was just the act of asking them that kind of scared me. I went back to work with Tobi tomorrow, and I wasn’t sure how easily I’d be able to blend in with society.
I was functioning to a point, but losing Papa like I had… It’d changed me. It tortured me.
I brought my thumb to my mouth, chewing on the skin there. There was so much, yet not enough, to do. I had a million things to get done, yet it felt like it wasn’t enough. There wasn’t enough happening for such a big fucking piece of my life being gone.
Like the rocking chairs on my porch. They were finished, but not in time. They weren’t big enough to prove my love, yet they were too big to have shown him before he’d died.
Fuck, I missed him.
A knock at the door startled all three of us, Fishy immediately standing on alert. His ears went back as he let out a loud bark. My little guard dog—no bite to be found.
Tobi got up and opened the door, letting Jack into the living room. “Hey, Jack. It’s been a minute.”
“It sure has. You look good, though. Seems our talk put some sense into you?”
“Yeah, I guess it did. Come on.”
I grinned at Jack as he rounded the corner and took a seat on the chair beside the couch. “Look what the cat dragged in. You’ve been harder to get a hold of lately.”
He shrugged. “Eh, I’ve just been busy. You know how it is. You’re looking good, too. How’s everything been?”
“Good. Uh, we were just talking about how I need to clean Papa’s house, and then I’ll be set to sell it, and that’ll be the last of his assets to deal with.”
Jack frowned, crossing his legs. “I’m sorry, Cal. I went through the same thing with my grandma. Just let me know if you need anything, okay? I’ll come help you out with the cleaning part, too.”
“Yeah, thanks.”
His frown turned up as he looked between me and Tobi. “You two look like you’re getting along well. Is there a lack of trouble in paradise?”
I turned to Tobi, who had a light pink blush on his cheekbones. “We’re doing really good. Tobes is close to a month sober now. “
“That’s fucking awesome, man! Congratulations. I’m really happy for you guys.” Fishy took that moment to hop off Tobi’s lap, circling the space in front of Jack instead. “Oh, hi, Fishy. You finally decided to say hello?”
“He’s used to you now, Jack.” I laughed. “He doesn’t care about you nearly as much as anyone else.”
He bent down to pet Fishy on the head. When he did, the collar of his shirt moved, and I noticed something. A bruise. But it was small and purple, like…I gasped. “Is that a fucking hickey, Jack?”
I watched his entire body freeze, even his hand stopping right on top of Fishy’s head. He didn’t say anything for a second, only further incriminating himself. “Uh, no?” He said it like a question.
Tobi pointed at him. “I’m an alcoholic. I know a liar when I see one. You’re lyin’.”
“And what if I am, huh? Geez, guys.” Jack sat up, pulling his shirt collar up with him. “You don’t have to be so weird.”
“Who is it? Who are you seeing?” I pressed.
“No one, and none of your business. It was a one-time thing. It won’t be happening again.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “I’m not an alcoholic, but you are my friend, and I can tell when you’re lying. You’re a liar.”
“Oh, my god. Leave it alone. It’s nothing. It was nobody. Can I go eat your Oreos?”
Tobi’s eyebrows scrunched. “How did you know we have Oreos?”
“Because Callum always has them. Duh. Are they double stuffed this time?”
Groaning, I shook my head. “Yes, but you can’t have any. You always eat them all, and I just bought them. I’m saving them for when I work in the shed.”
Both of their heads jerked to me, Tobi already shaking his. “You eat in the shed when you’re doin’ woodwork?”
“Uh, yeah?”
“Dude!”
“Babe!”
They’d both yelled at me at the same time, which was kind of scary. I put my hands up in defense. “Sorry. I’m already breathing it all in, so what’s the harm in eating it, too?”
Tobi’s lips curled downward. “You should be wearing a mask when you do that stuff. Are you sayin’ you don’t?”
Oh. Right. That would be the responsible thing to do. “I’m guessing I’m going to have to now.”
“You got that right. And no more eatin’ in there. Jesus Christ.”
Even when he was getting onto me, I couldn’t help but smile.
Big. This was what I’d been waiting for.
This right here, with Tobi passionately telling me I was an idiot without telling me I was an idiot.
This was the life I’d been dreaming of, with my friends surrounding me and the love of my life loving me.
I just wished Papa could’ve seen it, too. I wished he was here with me, yelling at me alongside them even though he also never wore a mask. He was the one who’d bring me into his shop and eat sandwiches while he’d finish something he was working on.
I’d learned so much from him, and now I was realizing that there was nothing else to learn. He’d given me everything I’d needed to succeed in life. It was time for me to do it without him. Even though that meant missing him until it physically ached.
The cemetery wasn’t too far from the house, only taking us about thirty minutes to get there.
What took the longest was finding his grave.
We had to walk through long, narrow paths that twisted and turned.
I couldn’t help watching the other graves pass us by, some of them decorated, while others were covered in grass and moss.
Though I’d only been here once, my legs remembered how to get there. If I spoke the instructions out loud, I’d probably never find him, but my body knew. My soul knew exactly where to go to find what was constantly tugging on it.
I stopped, still holding Tobi’s hand as we gazed down the final path. This was it. Papa was resting just down the middle and to the left, the final grave in the row.
Tobi squeezed my hand once. “You ready?”
No. Yes. Maybe? No, because it meant facing the reality again. I’d gotten so fucking good at the denial stage of grief, pretending just like Papa and I used to do. Yes, because I wanted to see him. Even if it was just his name on a gravestone. Maybe, because honestly, who was I kidding?
I didn’t think I’d ever be ready. Ready to forget the years of me running down the hallways, him right on my heels, making roaring sounds like my favorite dinosaur. I always thought he was so fucking funny.
The grass was mostly clear of snow now. It was still far too cold to wear anything less than a thick coat, though.
There was no crunch beneath our shoes as we walked to his grave.
No snow was trying to reach up and hold me where I was.
The sun was out, and so were the clouds.
There were even some pigeons congregating a few feet in front of us.
I stopped in front of the smooth, gray stone, slowly lowering myself into the grass. It was damp, but I didn’t care. Neither did Tobi, as he sat right beside me, staring straight forward.