Chapter 41 Lexi
LEXI
The next morning, I woke up to Evie prodding me awake. It felt like my head was on fire. My body had the worst chills, and I just wanted to snuggle under the covers.
“Mom, I’m hungry,” she whined, pulling my blanket to the floor and making me feel worse.
“Ten minutes, please,” I begged, reaching out painfully to pull my blanket back on.
She continued in the same whiny voice, “Mom, we’re late.”
Shit. It was a weekday, wasn’t it?
“I’m coming,” I managed to say when I began to cough uncontrollably. After a minute, my coughing fit subsided, but it felt like my lungs were going to explode.
Evie started crying, and I sat up, filled with concern.
“I’ll get you something to eat,” I promised, even though I felt like crap, and forced myself to stand and walk down to the kitchen.
My eyes stung, and my feet ached like I’d been walking over a desert barefoot, but I found cups of water for the two of us, and we drank in silence.
Now that I could see the sunlight streaming in, I realized it was after nine in the morning. The time I would usually be at work.
I felt miserable and sat down on the couch, running my hand over my face. I was hot, definitely running a fever and pulled out my phone to email Rafael to let him know I wouldn’t be working today.
I wasn’t sure when I fell asleep on the couch, but I woke to the sound of the doorbell. I lifted my head in a daze. How long had it been since I’d emailed Rafael?
I heard the doorbell again, this time more urgently, and suddenly wondered about Evie. Where was she? Who was at our door?
I managed to get to the door, dragging a throw blanket around my shoulders, feeling like I could fall down at any moment.
I turned the handle, and the door swung open.
“J-Jonah,” I stammered when I saw the towering hulk of his frame on my doorstep, complete with his unreadable expression. “What are you doing here?”
Jonah’s eyes met mine. There was an intensity in his look that wasn’t there before. He didn’t speak, but his eyes shifted, taking me in as I leaned against the doorframe, feeling feverish and delirious.
“Are. You. Okay?” he bit out.
“Jonah …” I closed my eyes. “It’s nine in the morning. Why aren’t you at work?”
He came closer, his voice sounding strangled while Evie walked up to us. “It’s one p.m., Lexi, not nine in the morning. Are you okay?”
I crossed my arms, closing my eyes as I drew on my strength. “Well, it doesn’t matter, Jonah. I still don’t want to see you after our fight last night. And speaking of which, you didn’t get my pizza right. I told you I wanted the crusts cut off.”
In the background, Evie wailed, “I’m hungry, Mama.”
“You just ate,” I began deliriously, then paused, frowning. “Or … was that yesterday? Did we already have breakfast?”
Jonah stared at me like I’d grown a second head. “Lexi,” he said slowly, reaching out to feel my forehead, “you’re burning up.”
“Bye, Jonah. I need to leave,” I said, forgetting that I was at my own home.
I turned, and walked to the kitchen. I heard Jonah’s feet follow me in, but I didn’t have the energy to tell him off.
My chin trembled when I spotted something on my dining table.
Our order from Panera Bread last night. The boxes were unopened.
Shit, shit, shit.
I remembered giving Evie a bath, picking up our order, and tucking her into bed while she threw a fit. I hadn’t given her dinner. And if Jonah hadn’t shown up, I probably wouldn’t have fed her today either.
At the realization, complete horror dawned on me.
I felt like I was going under, getting sucked into a whirlpool of darkness. I had sent Evie to bed completely hungry, and kept her that way halfway through the next day. What kind of a mother was I?
Jonah followed my gaze, reading the unopened Panera Bread boxes correctly and knowing what I’d done.
“Oh my God, Evie. I’m so sorry, baby,” I said, taking a step closer to her, but she twisted in her spot, tears streaming and arms flailing.
“I told you I was hungry. We didn’t even have dinner, and now look! The food’s too soggy and yucky to eat.”
I wished Jonah would leave. I really needed to break down and cry alone before I could calm Evie down.
“Lexi, it’s okay,” he breathed. “I’ll make her lunch now. She’ll be fine.”
He reached over and brushed my hair off my face. His fingers stayed on my forehead for a moment longer. I closed my eyes at the touch. I’d been longing to feel his touch again, but now I didn’t have the will or energy to respond.
“Give me ten minutes,” he said and took off his jacket and made it to the kitchen.
Jonah stood awkwardly in my tiny kitchen, sleeves rolled up, scanning the cluttered counter like it offended him.
He spotted a banana at the top of a fruit stand, and pulling it closer, he paused as he spotted an open jar of Nutella on the counter.
“Where’s the bread?” he muttered to himself, finally spotting the loaf on top of the fridge.
Evie watched him with suspicion. “Mama usually cuts off the edges,” she added between sniffs.
“The crust?” Jonah asked. “Right. Got it.”
He placed two slices on a plate, then hesitated over the jar of Nutella. “Do you like a lot or just a little?” he asked, distracting her from her hunger.
“A lot,” she said solemnly, wiping off her tears.
He plated her sandwich and found raspberries in the fridge and a packet of hard-boiled eggs that he added to the plate before placing it in front of her.
I stared at the food, feeling miserable. I had food at home. But I hadn’t taught Evie to help herself. I’d always plated her food myself and even predicted her hunger even before it hit her.
I’d made her so dependent on me that she had to starve when I was unwell.
“You’re trembling, Lexi,” he said, his voice unreadable.
Was he disappointed in me for being unable to function as an adult? As a parent? My chest tightened.
Shit. I couldn’t … I couldn’t deal with more emotions. Each breath seemed difficult to take, and I tried my best to get him to leave.
“No, I’m just …” I breathed out with difficulty. “Hot,” I said, still delirious. I’d been cold a while ago. What the hell was happening?
My cheeks felt flushed, and I could feel a sheen to my forehead from sweating.
“I’m good. Good … enough to be alone,” I said, looking up at him, at his intense gaze, seeing through me.
I wanted him to go, and I wanted him to stay. I was afraid of being alone, and I was afraid of breaking down in front of him.
I swayed on the spot, and I felt my feet give way.
My reflexes failed me, and I waited for the hard smack of the floor on my body when I felt Jonah’s arm catch me, pulling me to him.
“You should go, Jonah,” I said, my voice breaking, as he held me tight, his arms strong and supportive.
His arms tightened around me in response, and my head fell on his shoulder, and the gates opened, letting loose a flood of tears.