Chapter 5
‘What the hell are you doing here?’ Elizabeth hissed, half an hour later. Jasper had left the table, ostensibly to get some cigarettes out of his coat pocket, and she’d followed him into the hall, cornering him by the grandfather clock.
Jasper put up his hands and shook his head in mock confusion. ‘It’s Alfie’s birthday. I wanted to wish him many happy returns. It’s only a short detour.’
She felt tears prickle the back of her eyelids. ‘You should have told me you were coming.’
He gave a sigh that was half exasperation, half despair. ‘How? You’ve banned me from telephoning the house. Anyway, I thought you’d be pleased.’
‘Don’t do this to me, Jasper. It’s not fair.’
‘But you want me here.’
‘I do not.’
‘Then why did you phone me this morning?’
She stared at him. ‘I didn’t.’
‘You absolutely did. I know it was you. I can tell by the ring. It sounds different when it’s you.’
‘That’s rubbish.’
He stepped closer to her. Put his hands on her shoulders. ‘Look at me and tell me you didn’t ring. Look at me and tell me you don’t want me here.’
She shut her eyes tighter. She was not going to cry.
His fingertips were burning through the brocade of her dress.
She wanted to feel them on her skin. It was how he got her, every time.
When he wasn’t there, she could convince herself she could live without him.
But when he touched her, it was all that mattered.
‘You’re enjoying this, aren’t you? You can be very cruel, Jasper—’
‘Shhh.’ He put a finger to her lips. ‘I’m not cruel. I’m in love with you. I’m in love with you, Elizabeth. I wanted to see you.’
‘Stop it.’
‘I can’t.’
‘I can’t go on like this. Lying and living a double life.’
‘You know what to do.’
‘I’ve told you. I won’t. Not ever!’
He blinked at her ferocity. ‘But it’s simple mathematics. If things stay the same, we’re all unhappy. All three of us. If you leave Michael, then at least two of us will be—’
She pushed him away. ‘You’re impossible. I’m going back outside. Please, Jasper, if you really love me, leave right now. I want to concentrate on Clementine. I don’t want to be distracted by you. I mean it.’
She turned, and made her way back towards the drawing room.
Jasper drew a cigarette out of the packet and tapped it before putting it to his lips and sinking into the chair by the telephone.
He crossed his legs, resting one elegant ankle on the other knee and blowing three perfect smoke rings into the air, one after the other.
Even though she was hard of hearing, Clementine caught every word of their exchange through the cloakroom walls.
She was mortified. She didn’t dare leave.
She held her breath as she waited, not daring to run the taps.
Eventually, she thought Elizabeth had left the hall, as she heard her heels on the tiled floor, but she had no idea if Jasper was still lingering there.
She had to do something, because Alfie would be wondering where she was.
This was awful. Her cheeks were still burning with embarrassment at what she had heard.
Alfie’s mother and Jasper were having an affair.
She could absolutely see why. They were well-suited, with their good looks and glamour.
Not that Alfie’s father wasn’t attractive, but he didn’t have that glittery edge Elizabeth and Jasper both had; the quality that had probably drawn them to each other.
No doubt Michael was content to be at home, to run his business, to have his family around him and his friends from time to time.
Perhaps that wasn’t enough for Elizabeth?
She wasn’t going to judge, for grief did strange things to people.
But she felt awkward at being party to their secret.
They obviously hadn’t realised that when she’d taken the cake plate back to the kitchen, she had come back via the cloakroom in the hall.
And now she was trapped. The window was far too small to climb out of.
She decided she would just have to leave. Jasper wasn’t going to loiter in the hall indefinitely. She turned the key in the lock slowly, so it didn’t make a noise, then twisted the knob carefully and pulled the door towards her before tiptoeing out.
He was still there, sitting sprawled in the armchair that was positioned next to the telephone, smoking a cigarette.
‘Oh, hello, Jasper,’ she said, bright as a button, as if she was surprised to see him. ‘What a lovely afternoon it’s been.’
Her skin prickled as his eyes roamed over her.
‘I wouldn’t miss Alfie’s birthday for anything,’ he said. ‘I always promised Edwin I’d look after him if anything happened. He’s like the younger brother I never had. He’s very important to me. The whole family is.’
His dark eyes burned with intensity. He must be calculating whether she had heard.
She could easily not have. The cloakroom walls were thick.
She hoped her insouciance would allay his fears.
Clementine wasn’t the best at obfuscating, but she was desperate for him not to realise she knew their secret.
‘I’m sure he appreciates you making the effort.’
Jasper didn’t answer. He was surveying the pictures on the wall around him.
‘What a bloody waste.’ His voice broke. ‘It still kills me every time I look at them.’
His face seemed to have collapsed – the vivacity she’d seen earlier had melted away, and all that was left was despair.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she replied. ‘He must have been a very special person.’
‘Yes,’ said Jasper. ‘He brought me back to Foxwood from school when my mother died. I was thirteen, and I wasn’t supposed to cry.
He knew what I needed. To muck about in the woods pelting conkers at each other, then loll on the rug by the fire eating crumpets and not have to think about Latin prep or rugby trials.
’ His smile was wintry. ‘They made me feel like one of them from that day on. My father got remarried six months later.’
She stepped forward to put a comforting hand on his shoulder, but he moved away from her, leaning back into the chair, screwing his eyes tight shut. The grandfather clock went tick tick tick, managing to sound both comforting and ominous. Then he spoke.
‘Sometimes I come here and I drive up the drive and I think – what if he’s there, this time, by some miracle, sitting at the table, making everyone laugh.
Making everyone happy. He was one of those people who light everything up without even trying.
You can see it, can’t you, in his paintings?
’ He waved his hand around the walls. ‘They’re so alive. And how can they be, when he isn’t?’
Clementine nodded as she looked more closely at all the pictures. Jasper was right. Even the still lives had a kind of energy. The riding boots looked as if they still held the warmth of whoever had worn them, as if they’d just been slipped off. ‘They’re wonderful.’
He looked up at her. He seemed exhausted, as if the emotions he was feeling had drained him.
‘She’s the closest I can get to him.’
His voice was soft, so soft she almost thought she had heard him wrong, but when she looked into his eyes she knew she hadn’t. He was defiant, desolate, despairing.
There was no point in pretending she didn’t know what he meant. Clementine could think of nothing to say but, ‘Oh. I see.’
The grandfather clock ticked on. Jasper ground out his cigarette in an ashtray.
‘It would help enormously,’ he said, ‘if you didn’t say anything to anyone. Elizabeth has been through enough. Everyone has been through enough.’
‘It’s none of my business.’ Clementine tried to keep her tone light. ‘And I won’t say a word.’
‘Thank you.’ He looked genuinely grateful and a little beaten. And despite what she knew, Clementine felt disarmed.
When she got back to the tea table, Alexandra’s eyes lit up as she approached.
‘There you are. We were beginning to think Jasper had seduced you in the downstairs loo. Did you see him on your travels?’
‘Um … no.’ Clementine wasn’t good at lying, but it seemed easiest to deny all knowledge of his whereabouts.
Everyone seemed satisfied with her answer.
She sat down next to Alfie, and he reached a hand out to pat her arm, as if to indicate he’d missed her.
It felt reassuring. After everything she’d heard, she was unsettled.
Alexandra leaned forwards. ‘Now, I want to hear everything about you. In particular, why on earth you’re not married yet when you’re so pretty.’
‘Alexandra!’ Elizabeth rolled her eyes and chided her friend. ‘I’m so sorry, Clementine.’
Clementine laughed. ‘I suppose I haven’t found anyone worth marrying.’
‘Good for you.’ Alexandra nodded her approval. ‘I don’t know why everyone rushes into it, I’m sure. But when the time comes, don’t forget the snore test.’
‘The snore test?’
‘Spend the night with them as early as you can, to make sure they don’t.’
‘I see.’ Clementine felt herself blush. Were they all wondering what stage her relationship with Alfie had got to? They didn’t need to know she’d already spent more than one night at the flat in Pimlico.
‘Snoring can be the sign of a lot of other problems.’ Alexandra widened her eyes in faux horror.
‘I don’t know why you’re giving her advice, Alexandra,’ laughed Elizabeth. ‘You’ve never been married.’
‘No, but I’ve listened to enough complaints from disillusioned wives to know the pitfalls.’
‘Not from me.’
‘No, not you, darling. You’re the happiest wife I know. And who wouldn’t be?’ Alexandra looked over at Michael. ‘God knows I’ve tried to lead him astray often enough.’
Michael put his hand over Elizabeth’s and squeezed it.
‘I know how lucky I am, Alexandra. I wouldn’t jeopardise our marriage for the world.’ His tone was dry, but he was smiling. He was obviously used to Alexandra teasing him.
Elizabeth pulled Michael’s hand up to her mouth and kissed the back of his fingers in a gesture that was both proprietorial and intimate. ‘It always infuriates Alexandra that you’re never tempted to stray.’