20. Cara
20
CARA
M y phone burned in my pocket. I’d glanced at it, noticing it was fully charged before I slipped it away. I felt its presence, and I didn’t know how to interpret why Declan gave it back to me.
I was happy. I was glad that he gave it to me and that I could have a chance to contact my mom. His explanation was touching, too, that he could be sympathetic to give it to me in the vein of the golden rule, that he’d want to speak with his parent and could recognize that I wanted to remain in touch with mine.
It also felt so strange to be grateful for his permission and the means to make a simple call or text.
Just a couple of weeks ago, I was an independent woman. I decided what needed to be done and I didn’t have to ask anyone for permission or allowance to do anything that I deemed necessary.
So many things had changed since I met Declan, and it was a challenge to keep up with the adjustments.
I learned this week how freeing it was to give up control. When he decided that he wanted to fuck me, I knew that I could rely on him to make it so good for me in his dark, twisted way that drove me wild.
I realized that having all my responsibilities taken from me didn’t produce the vacation that I thought it would be. By keeping me in this castle, under his control, Declan had taught me that I was not an idle person. That without a purpose, goal, or something to achieve, my life was nothing.
And that was why, as we returned to the house, I felt stuck in a spell of moody gloom. Of guilt.
He had given me the clear purpose of a lifetime. He wanted me to bear him a child, and that was impossible for me to do. That job would not be completed by me. I was incapable of pulling it off.
I’ve already failed you.
The more that he made me feel for him proved how much he wasn’t just a brutish asshole. And therefore, the worse I felt.
I shouldn’t have struck a deal with him to secure my exit in six months’ time when I knew I would fail him. He’d entered that deal with me thinking I could bear him a child.
I was nothing but a liar.
At the time, I didn’t think it was so bad. He was using me for something, and I was using him just the same. But that wasn’t the end of it. I was also using him to secure my father’s generosity to pay for my mom’s debt.
I was trapped in a layered web of lies, and I wondered how much longer I could take it.
If my husband continued to pleasure me, if he continued to show me how good it felt to be connected with him in the deepest way possible, I wasn’t sure I could separate my mind from my heart. My body was useless there. All he had to do was breathe and look at me, and I was aroused. The complication lay between my mind and my heart.
Even though it seemed so impossible, I was developing feelings for him. He was showing me that he cared, and I could be honest with myself and admit that I felt things for him in return.
It felt good to know that I pleased him. I trusted my ability to rock his world and make him come just like he did to me.
“There you are,” Ian called out when we walked inside.
“No.” Declan sighed. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“No, no.” Ian chuckled as he waited at the other side of the massive foyer. “I know. I just need to talk to you about a couple of things.” He tilted his head toward the study, indicating he wanted only his brother’s presence despite Declan grabbing my hand and holding it to show that he and I were together.
I stepped back and held my hands up. “I don’t even want to know.”
“What?” Declan huffed at me. “Ignorance is bliss?”
“Exactly.”
He paused, watching me closely. “By now, if Riley hasn’t run her mouth and gossiped, you do know what the Sullivan name represents, right?”
I nodded. I’d figured it out the day of our wedding. “Yeah. You’re a Mob man. Enough said there.”
He rolled his eyes, and I had a hunch he was trying to hide a smile. “And that doesn’t bother you? Being married to a killer?”
I arched a brow. “Should it bother me?”
I wasn’t heartless, but I had a jaded and scrappy moral compass. I wasn’t stupid either. I, like everyone else in the world, knew that organized crime Families existed. I never thought I would be married into such a powerful one, but what could I do about it now? Declan didn’t seem eager to kill me or my mother, so that was enough.
“I grew up knowing my father was affiliated with a crime Family.” I shrugged. “I knew that my father, half of me, came from a crime Family, and it never made me cry myself to sleep.”
Ignoring his brother as he cleared his throat, impatient to speak in the other room, Declan stepped closer to me and kissed me hard. “You don’t back down from anything life throws you, do you?”
“Only you.” I smiled. In a good way.
I wasn’t sure what he was looking for as he peered at me. Was he waiting for me to say that I felt uncomfortable to be married to a rough man? I doubted I could ever admit that. I now knew how good it felt to welcome a little pain and hardness, a little violence in my life, and I couldn’t imagine going back to what I lived like before.
I enjoyed being with him.
As I was struck with the realization that I treasured being his wife, his woman, that guilt returned.
If I told him that I couldn’t carry a child for him, he would dismiss me. He would cast me out of his bed, out of his life.
I didn’t need him anymore. I married him, and that action was the stipulation that my father gave me in order to pay off my mom’s medical debts. Now that I had my phone back, I was eager to check and confirm that he’d seen to his side of this deal.
Faced with the thought that I wouldn’t be here in this castle to see this man ever again, I struggled with a deep sense of loss I never expected to feel. After connecting with him like we had over the last couple of days, I had to remind myself that it wouldn’t last.
Uncomfortable with these thoughts of guilt, I shooed him back. “Go on. Do your business.”
He couldn’t resist pressing his lips to mine once more. Every time that he kissed me, my resolve weakened that much further.
“Don’t go far,” he teased. “I will see you soon.” After a playful slap on my ass, he turned and strode toward his brother.
As soon as he was gone, I went up to my room and pulled my phone out of my pocket. Staring at it, I tried to tamp down the suspicions that arose.
He had to have looked through it. I was so glad I’d reset it to factory settings when Frank asked me for it.
But now… I grimaced, wondering if he was tracking me with the device. Could he know what I did with it?
He’d given me the limitation of only calling my mother, but if I had to contact Oscar, was that so wrong?
I shook my head, calling his cell phone. Calling my one stable hand was like calling my mother. Besides, if she was sleeping, I didn’t want to wake her.
And if Declan asks, I’ll explain why I decided that.
I waited for the call to connect, and when Oscar answered, I smiled.
“Cara!” He whooped. “I’ve been wondering when you’d call. My gosh!”
“Sorry, I’ve been busy.”
Not. Other than taking Declan’s dick, I’d been bored and depressed. Restless.
“How is Mom doing? The farm, everything. Fill me in.”
He chuckled. “How come it took you so long to call?”
“Uh, the reception is really spotty here.”
He accepted that as an answer. Oscar was always an easygoing guy. “Good. Good. The herd’s doing well. I haven’t had much luck finding another helper, but now and then, Thomas pitches in when he can.”
I nodded. That was good. Thomas was maybe a year or two younger than me, busy with college, but he probably wanted the flexible means of making extra money.
“How’s Mom?”
“Oh,” he said, chuckling, “she’s the same old. You know. But it was a genius move asking Patti Gehring to sit with her and whatnot. Her husband just got that trucking job, and it seemed like she was lonely across the street. I hear them giggling and chatting all the time from the window up there.”
I smiled, breathing easier.
“She’s feeling okay?” I checked. As soon as I was finished getting this report from him, I’d call her cell phone.
“Eh. She’s got her good days and bad days. That new painkiller seems to help a lot, but Patti said something about the pharmacy claiming it wasn’t covered or somethin’. She’s harping on them to explain when it would be available.”
Furrowing my brow, I walked back and forth through my suite. “Hmm.”
That’s weird. Lots of medications required a private, out-of-pocket coverage, but Mom didn’t have to worry about that anymore.
I stopped, mid-step and tense with instant dread.
Right?
That was the deal. I marry Declan so Saoirse wouldn’t have to, and my father would pay for Nora’s health.
“Is she home now?” I asked him.
“No, no. Patti just took her to an appointment, and I see she’s left her dang cell phone on the table in the kitchen again.” He sighed. “But I’ll tell her you called. She sure does miss you. I do, too, Boss. And so do all the sheep and horses here.”
I nodded, in a rush to end the call now.
As soon as we disconnected, I broke my agreement with Declan. I used my phone for something else, opening the browser and logging into the main debt collection site.
Blinking didn’t change what the screen had for me to read.
Refreshing the page kept it the same too.
All I saw were more past-due reminders.
Not a single fucking thing had been paid!
Fury escalated within me like a hot, molten wave. I tensed, breathing fast as my heart hammered harder.
“That asshole.”
I gritted my teeth, logging out and swiping out of the page to erase that I’d gone to it at all. Then I went back to the call pad and tapped in my father’s number. There had to be an answer for this. There had to be a damned good reason he hadn’t seen to his end of the deal.
He’d agreed that by sparing Saoirse, I’d secured Mom’s debts to be paid. That she’d remain on the kidney transplant list and also be pushed up to be chosen sooner once a match was found.
Damn you. No, fuck you.
I turned, ready to press the call button. Facing the door, I paused and watched as Declan entered the room.
“Cara.” He smiled, lifting his chin as he looked me over.
I swallowed, caught in the act of attempting to break his rule again. Calling my father wasn’t what he’d given me permission for, but I had to know if he’d reneged.
“Yes?” I lowered the phone, tapping it against my thigh.
“You need to get ready.”
I laughed once. “You do want to keep me sore.”
He stalked closer, taking my phone and tossing it to the bed. As he wrapped his arms around me, I gave in to the demand of his lips hot and wet on mine.
Just like that, he pushed me to lose my grip on reality. To forfeit control. To stop thinking about my worries. All I could do was feel him and never want this pleasure, this deep intimacy and desire, to ever stop.
“But you like it,” he taunted.
I nodded. “I won’t lie. I do.”
“Get ready to leave,” he said instead as he released me.
“For what? Another ride?” I smirked. “Don’t spoil me rotten now.”
“Funny.” He shoved his hands into his pockets and smirked. Knowing I could amuse him with my wry humor felt good.
“We’re leaving for a gala in the city,” he announced. “Ian was talking with me about it.”
I blinked wide. “A gala? I have to go?”
“Yes. I’m expected to show up, and as such, you need to show up with me and show everyone that you’re my wife. That we are not going to let the Sullivan name die off anytime soon.”
But it will if I’m your wife. I swallowed and nodded. He had me flustered, but I refused to show it.
“Sure. Yeah.”
“I’m sure we can find a dress on the way to the city.” He glanced at his watch, rotating his wrist and showing me how his muscled arm flexed in the process. “We’ll leave within the hour.”
“Okay.”
It wasn’t okay. I needed time to call my dad and demand an explanation for why he hadn’t paid for Mom’s bills.
But then again…
“Declan?”
He turned back into the room, brows raised.
“What kind of a gala is this?”
“Are you asking who’d be there? Or what bullshit charity it supposedly fundraises for? Because I have no clue.”
“Uh…” I tucked my hair behind my ear. “Who’d be there?”
He shrugged. “Other crime Families, mostly. Some government officials. Politicians.”
I nodded and turned to find a bag and pack. All the while, I planned to discuss this issue about the debts with my father.
He’d be there. My stepsister wouldn’t let anyone fail to invite her to a social thing like this. Keira no doubt wanted to be seen, and my father was connected to the smaller crime Family of the Murray name.
It’d be the first time I’d see him since my wedding.
And I bet he wouldn’t be prepared for how much I’ve already changed and grown into an even stronger woman than before.