24. Cara
24
CARA
M y heart thumped so wildly, I thought it would never slow down. My throat strained as I tried to swallow, but it was thick, clogged with so many intense emotions.
Terror. Anger. And so, so much worry.
Declan sighed and leaned against me, and his weight comforted me.
He stood. He was breathing. He lived.
But the consuming fear of almost losing him would take a lot longer to subside.
“Are you…?” I couldn’t dare to ask him if he was all right. He couldn’t possibly be. He’d fought so hard, beaten and tired from the strain of it. Then he was shot, at least once. He lived, but until I knew how wounded he was, I wouldn’t be calm.
I’d never been this close to violence before. I’d never aimed a weapon at a person. Although I was braced for combat with many experiences with wild or unruly animals, it was not at all the same as being near men with guns and a desire to fight.
“No.” Declan winced as he stepped back to better look me over. Ian ran closer, and other men hurried with him.
“No?” I swallowed hard, worried even more now that Declan could admit that he was hurt.
“No, don’t worry about me. Are you okay?” He lowered his worried gaze to my stomach. “Did I hurt you in that fall?”
Realization sank in. He was concerned about my body. If I could’ve landed on my stomach.
If I could hurt the baby he’s so desperately hoping I carry.
It stung. I wanted to matter too. Just me. And that guilt rose up again, inciting shame within my mind.
There won’t be a baby.
“I’m fine.”
“Let’s go,” Ian said, not even checking whether his brother was all right. I supposed in their world, in their code, if a man was standing, breathing, and speaking, he would make it.
Sullivan guards checked the bodies on the ground, but I barely glanced at them as Declan ushered me into the parking lot.
“Declan.” I shook my head, unable to loosen this grip of anxiety.
If I lost him. If he was hurt and killed…
“It’s over,” he said simply as Ian covered our backs, rushing us into the first SUV that pulled up.
Last night, Declan had wanted to leave and spend the night here, in the city, closer to the ballroom. My request for him to help me choose a gown turned into being another hour late. Then another. So much so that we fucked all night at home, at the castle, and only came to this gala just before it started.
The plan was to stay in the city tonight, but I was relieved that the driver checked that he was driving to the family home. The castle. For almost a month, I was so sick of being imprisoned there. Since Declan and I had come to terms and found our way toward each other with hot sex, it was a place of refuge, of security that I could share with him.
I was glad we were going there, and in the backseat, I tried to stay out of the way but also help as Ian handed him gauze from the front seat.
“Here.” I yanked on Declan’s sleeve when he struggled to get it off. The fabric ripped, but I didn’t care.
“Get the shirt, too,” Ian ordered.
I nodded. I’d helped plenty of sheep and horses. Declan was a man, but it couldn’t be that different. As the vehicle sped along, Ian handed me gauze to compress the wounds.
“You’re not afraid of blood, are you?” he asked.
I glanced at Declan, worried when he hissed at the last stretch to get his shirt off. I helped, ripping it and removing it at last.
“No. Give me that water bottle,” I instructed. “I need to irrigate the wound.”
“What, are you a fucking doctor, too?” Declan joked, clenching his teeth as I squirted the water on the cuts.
“No.” At the thought of a doctor, I thought back to all the ones Mom had to see. All the ones who’d tried to keep her comfortably alive for so long. And the private privileges for advanced, faster medical care that I was behind on debt-wise.
Together, with Ian handing me first-aid supplies from the front, we aided Declan on the ride home. I wrapped his arm, glad that it looked like grazes more than anything. His flesh was torn up. The tattoos that had been inked there were now destroyed, but I saw nothing like muscles exposed. They were deep enough to cause pain if the grimaces lining his face were any indication, but they seemed shallow enough that a simple line of stitches would cure him.
Stitches I wasn’t confident to give him on the road, even if supplies were on hand.
“He’ll be waiting for us when we pull up,” Ian told Declan, explaining that he’d called ahead to the house and requested a family doctor to be on hand.
Lucky. Private, family doctors. It felt so wrong to feel this way, but I couldn’t help but think back to my stepmother’s taunt, that if I wanted money for my mom, I could ask my wealthy husband.
I never should’ve had to consider that option. My father was supposed to cover it. And I couldn’t know yet whether Declan would use my mother’s illnesses against me.
He couldn’t. I didn’t want to think that he could still be so cruel. I saw the worry on his face when he stood. He’d taken a bullet for me and pushed me to safety. That mattered. It had to matter more than anything and serve as a real example of how much he was coming to care for me.
Maybe he could care so much that he wouldn’t want to hurt me.
“Tell me what happened,” Declan said, taking my hand as we rode home. “When I fought Peter.”
I licked my lips and explained it all to both brothers. How the other man had tried to creep closer to me, but I’d warned him off with the gun.
Declan frowned. “Have you ever used a gun before?”
I nodded, then shook my head.
“Which is it?” Ian asked.
“I’ve used a gun on wild animals, but not on a person.” They seemed satisfied with that, so I continued. “When you tried to…” I winced. “Choke that first guy, the other one shot at you. So I fired at him, but missed. Then he shot again but missed.”
I’d never been so damn scared in my life. Not only that I could die, but that I couldn’t help Declan. And if I died, my mother would be screwed and I’d fail her too.
I sucked in a deep breath, so glad that we were pulling up to the castle.
Clinging to Declan, I followed him inside. To my surprise, he peeled away and stepped aside, heading for the doctor.
“I can help,” I offered.
He shook his head, sighing. “Just go to bed. I’ll check with you.”
I furrowed my brow, worried that I’d disappointed him.
Because I lied? I’d struggled to face him after I made up that answer about a server smacking into my face, but I had no other option.
I couldn’t tell him that Keira slapped me because he would have wanted to know what I talked to her about. And if I told him about my mother’s debts…
My stomach knotted. A familiar nausea returned. It had been creeping up on me on and off over the last couple of days, and I wondered if it was a reaction to the constant sex. My periods had never been really regular, courtesy of those issues long ago, and I wondered if I was going through another round of PMS too soon.
Right now, I felt sick with worry. About lying to Declan. About not telling him about my mother. I just didn’t know what to do, and it was with a heavy heart that I watched him head into the kitchen with the doctor.
“You’re okay?” Ian asked me as I moved into the main lounge to slump to the couch. I should’ve gone upstairs, but I wanted to be here, close, to walk up with my husband. The doctor would help him. Declan seemed fine, but still, I worried. It had taken a few years off my life to see him fighting and shot.
There’s no doubt. I cared for him. Greatly.
I glanced up at my brother-in-law. “Yeah. I…” I sighed. “I’m fine.”
When he didn’t leave, I wondered why he lingered. He seemed suspicious, and I felt guarded, on the need to be defensive. “What is it?”
I hadn’t talked with Ian much, but that didn’t count for anything. Other than that one or two chats with Riley, I spoke with only Declan here.
“I’m aware of how you ran at the wedding.”
I groaned, dropping my head to the back of the couch. “That was the only time.”
“So, I shouldn’t worry about your trying to run off when Dec’s vulnerable and wounded?”
I stood, annoyed. “Vulnerable?” I crossed my arms and glared at him. “Have you ever seen him vulnerable?”
He almost smiled.
“I’m not going to run,” I promised as I walked past him and headed upstairs.
It was the truth. I couldn’t escape here, and I had no desire to break away from the man I called my husband. How could I want to leave when he made me feel so free, so cared for and cherished?
That fight in the parking area seemed so brutal and awful, but I hadn’t viewed Declan as anything but a hero. A valiant, strong protector. Not a villain. Not a “bad guy” like my stepsister seemed to think of him.
Declan was rough and gruff. But I’d seen the sweetness and tenderness he hid beneath the darkness to know he wasn’t all bad.
I wanted to stay with him. As I walked up the stairs, wondering if he’d see me in my room again, I vowed to come clean.
About it all.
The reason I was scared of him upon first sight. The deal that I’d made with my father to take my stepsister’s place and be the bride. Why I was afraid to tell him.
Everything.
Even the worse secret about my infertility. He had every right to know that I couldn’t bear him a child, and I felt sicker with anxiety to keep that from him.
All of it. I had to tell him everything.
If I could admit how much I wanted to stay and truly be his wife, for good, he had to know it all.
It was only fair. Shame ate at me as I opened my door and then closed it behind me. I felt terrible, guilty and wretched the longer I kept the secret from him.
Resting my head against the closed door, I dropped my shoulders and just breathed through the heartache of knowing I’d wronged him in not being upfront.
My phone rang, pulling me from my trancelike mood of worry and gloom.
I frowned, reaching for my phone on the nightstand. I hadn’t considered bringing it. Why should I? Oscar and my mother wouldn’t contact me. They’d wait for me to reach out with the spotty reception they thought I had.
But it wasn’t either of them. The number on the screen seemed vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t place it.
“Hello?” I answered, glancing at the door. I was worried about who it could be. Declan wanted me to use this only to speak with my mother, and I knew he’d be mad and see this as breaking the rules.
“Cara Gallagher?” the woman asked.
“Yes.”
“I’m calling from the hospital. You are listed as the sole emergency contact for your mother. Nora Gallagher? Yes, that’s it. She’s just arrived at the Emergency Department.”
I sucked in a quick breath and held it.
Once more, I felt my world tipping off its axis.
And the sensation of everything falling apart threatened to suffocate me all over again for the second time tonight.