Chapter 11 #2
‘Not physically, no.’ Her voice sounded small against the splashing from the pool and their friends’ laughter.
The intensity of the ever-growing knot in her chest reminded her why even talking about Jarek was a bad idea, when she’d do anything to erase him from her life, both the memory and the destructive feelings.
With the distance of time, it was hard to believe how she could have been so easily drawn in, except he’d fed off her fear and delighted in the control.
That was who he was. She’d eventually realised, but by then it had been too late to get out unscathed.
But she had escaped; that was the thought she needed to hold on to.
And in Rhys’s comforting presence she wanted to rid herself of the burden of secrecy.
‘He was mentally and emotionally abusive,’ she said quietly, echoing Rhys’s stance by wrapping her arms around her knees.
‘The bruises are all hidden, which is why he got away with it. I’ve tried to cover up the parts of me he destroyed – in many ways, I’m pretending to be who I was before I met him.
Someone confident and carefree, sociable and fun-loving.
I have to work hard to behave in the way I used to.
He shredded my confidence and made me question my decisions, my feelings, how I felt about my job, my friends, my family, about myself, until everything revolved around him. ’
Lola took a deep breath of the salty air.
Someone took a running dive not far from them, and the cool spray of water was delicious on her hot skin.
Her arms were wrapped so tightly around her legs, she felt as if she was suffocating, the memories dragging her under into the cool, quiet depths of the glinting pool before her.
Rhys was silent. He reached his hand across and gently prised her fingers apart so he could slide his into hers. The gesture said more than words and comforted her too.
‘He was charming until he’d hooked me in completely.
I told him I loved him and he said it back.
He chipped away at my self-esteem so slowly that I didn’t notice until I found myself spending all my time with him.
If I suggested us going out with my friends there’d be a reason not to and suddenly my life was consumed by him and I hardly saw anyone outside of work. ’
‘Did they notice?’
‘Mirabel did, but that was because she hadn’t warmed to him from the beginning, but Deni and other friends just believed I was loved up and in the honeymoon phase.
But everything ended up revolving around him.
I stayed at his place, because he preferred it to mine.
We went to the places he wanted to go to and we started to do things together, never with friends of mine.
I remember Deni inviting us to a dinner party and he didn’t want to go and begged me not to either, so I made some lame excuse.
Then he ignored me all evening. Apart from work colleagues, he didn’t really have friends – another red flag I missed.
The only respite I had was when he travelled to New York for a week or two for work.
His family lived in the US so we never saw them, something I didn’t think much of because I’m not close to my parents.
Jarek wasn’t keen on visiting my parents, then talked me out of going to see them even by myself.
’ Lola dragged in another breath of warm salty air.
‘When we talked about my parents, he’d focus on the things that were wrong and unhealthy between my parents and me.
He tried to alienate us like he did with my friends.
He knew what to say for the most impact and he was deft at moulding me into the person he wanted me to be, one who I didn’t recognise.
He charmed me into loving him, then destroyed my spirit in order to control me. ’
It felt absurd talking about the two years of her life he’d stolen, when she’d felt small and helpless, in a landscape that still made her feel small but somehow powerful.
The wild beauty surrounding them was dangerous yet freeing.
It mirrored her own journey because she had escaped and was physically free of Jarek, yet she was still wounded and tortured by the memories of how he’d treated her, particularly when he was still trying to edge his way into her life.
Despite having got out, she still felt like a broken version of her former self.
Neither she nor Rhys should allow the damaging influence of their ex-partners to shape their lives the way the sea had carved out the Cane Malu pool.
Except the pool was curved and smoothed from the sea’s caress while Lola was full of jagged edges that kept snagging and getting rebroken, reminding her of the pain and fear that still had a hold on her.
‘How did you get out?’ Rhys asked softly.
‘I had the opportunity to travel to Dubai as part of the team for a huge New Year’s Eve bash with Starlight.
I’d already said no to things because of him; his constant pressure for me to conform to what he wanted was impacting my work and I just snapped.
So I didn’t tell him and went. I changed the locks on my apartment and only let him know where I was going and that we were over when I was on the plane.
You must think that makes me sound like Zoe? ’
‘Not even close.’
Rhys’s fingers were warm and tight between her own. She turned to him as tears threatened to spill. ‘When you’re constantly told you’re worthless or nothing without someone, you eventually begin to believe it.’
‘But you’re not, Lola.’ Rhys pulled her close. ‘You’re everything without him. That’s what you need to believe.’