Chapter 38
Lola woke before Rhys did, the happiness from the night before still there, yet it was bittersweet, as she was dreading having to say goodbye later.
One final night with Rhys had been the perfect way to end their time in Sardinia, but it didn’t soften the blow that what they’d started was finishing as quickly as it had begun.
What struck her was that she was in a much better place emotionally, mentally and most definitely physically than when she’d arrived. That was quite something, and an awful lot of that was thanks to the man asleep next to her.
His room was almost a mirror image of hers, with soothing white walls and an ocean-blue bedspread, the sheets rumpled from last night’s memorable activities. God, she adored everything about him.
‘Morning, beautiful.’ His lilting Welsh voice took her by surprise, and the way he said it so sleepily with a smile of drunken happiness filled her heart.
Sunshine slanted through the gap in the blinds and dust motes twirled.
She could hear distant voices, so someone was up, but it was peaceful.
If she squeezed her eyes shut, perhaps she could pretend they could stay curled up together indefinitely, sated after one blissful night, never having to go home and face reality.
‘Morning, handsome,’ she said with a smile.
She couldn’t hide or forget or pretend. She needed to accept what this was: the perfect ending to ten days that had been wonderful and challenging in equal measure, but had also taught her a hell of a lot too.
She shouldn’t shy away from heading home and what she needed to face, which she’d be doing with an army of friends by her side.
‘I bet there’ll be a wager round the breakfast table whether we’ll walk in together hand in hand or sneak in separately.’ His eyes were bright and warm as he gazed at her. ‘I know what I want to do.’
Lola eased her fingers between his. ‘Oh, I know what I want as well, but more than anything I don’t want to leave this bed.’
‘Mmn, that makes two of us.’
His kiss was slow and delicate, yet heat fused through her body.
She wanted to snapshot this moment of absolute contentment.
Because even if they stayed on Sardinia for a week or two more, for months even, the reality would be different.
The dynamic would change, the same way it would be different if they continued their relationship back in the UK – not that it would be a possibility when Rhys would be heading off again soon.
Their lives weren’t really compatible, yet that didn’t mean they couldn’t stay friends.
Being open and honest was her new mantra.
‘Part of me doesn’t want to leave,’ Lola said quietly as she pulled away from his kiss.
Curled together hot and naked was perfect for baring her soul.
‘But I know I need to so I can deal with the person who’s made my life hell and put it all behind me.
This is fantasy right now and utterly wonderful. I just wish it was real life.’
The way he was looking at her made her wonder if he was going to blurt out something like ‘but this could be real’, or persuade her that they could turn the fantasy into reality. But how? It wasn’t as if it hadn’t crossed her mind when she’d drifted off last night.
‘Real life can suck,’ Rhys eventually said. ‘But it doesn’t mean there aren’t good things in it. And you’re going to go back and get your life sorted and feel so much better for it. You’ll get your freedom and confidence back, I know you will. That’s what’s important right now.’
But what about you? What about us? Lola wanted to say, but didn’t because she knew he was right; there were things she had to do, however hard, upsetting and likely frustrating they’d be. And she wouldn’t be doing it alone, while Rhys…
‘You’re going to reshape your life over the coming months too and come out a hell of a lot stronger for it.’
‘That’s the hope.’ Beneath the sheet, his fingers glided over the curve of her hip.
‘The thing I love most about being a teacher is the way the kids are so full of enthusiasm. I always wonder why we lose that fun-loving side of ourselves when we grow up – that ability to be spontaneous and fearless. To give anything a go without worrying about doing the wrong thing or making a fool of ourselves. At least I lost that side of myself. I love how you didn’t – at least you didn’t until… ’
‘Yeah, until you know who.’ She was glad he didn’t say his name, not while they were entangled together beneath the sheets.
Too much time had been spent worrying over her ex to be thinking about him in a moment of loved-up vulnerability.
‘I’ve told you before, it feels as if I’m wearing a mask in public, playing the part people expect of me.
It’s hard to know who the real me is any longer, although I’ve been more open with my feelings with you and my friends this past week than I ever have. ’
‘Enough to get rid of the mask entirely?’
‘Oh, I’m not sure I’m quite back to my old self; I might never be.
He changed me for the worst, perhaps for good too.
I’m not so trusting and blinded by the things he was good at projecting; the things that don’t actually matter.
’ She didn’t need to say looks or money or charm for him to understand.
Rhys pulled away from their embrace and lay back on the pillow with his hands tucked behind his head, staring up at the ceiling.
Lola shifted onto her side and slipped one hand beneath her pillow.
She made lazy circles with her fingers through the smattering of his chest hair and watched him.
The tightening of his jaw and slight creasing of his forehead showed his thought process.
He opened his mouth to say something, then closed it, and it was obvious he was building up to saying something he wasn’t sure about.
Finally, he turned to her and slid his hand over hers so both of their hands rested on the centre of his chest. ‘Perhaps you need to do something drastic.’
‘Do you have something in mind?’
He held her gaze, firm and unwavering. ‘Go travelling. I mean proper travelling, not a holiday to Sardinia. It could be two weeks or two months, whatever you can manage, to bum around Europe.’ He took a drag of air.
‘With me.’ His eyes traced every inch of her face, and the way he did made her feel seen and understood, as if he was reaching into her, trying to untangle her messy thoughts about what she wanted. ‘Come with me, Lola.’
‘I can’t.’ The words were out too quickly.
A defence mechanism because she’d already grown closer to Rhys than she’d intended; she’d already allowed him to creep into her heart and she wouldn’t give him hope that what they’d shared in Sardinia could be anything more than a happy memory, because how could it when she was heading back to her fast-paced London life, while he was navigating his way to his future in Europe?
She pressed her hand tighter against his chest, feeling his heart thudding beneath her fingertips.
‘It’s not that I don’t want to go to Europe with you because I’d love to travel properly, but my work schedule is manic.
However much I’d like to continue what we have here, it’s…
’ She trailed off, the word ‘temporary’ on her lips belittling what they had.
Yet she knew it wouldn’t be possible to hold on to it either.
Even if she said yes, it would only delay the inevitable.
‘I understand, I only asked because I hoped.’ He shook his head. ‘I’m going to miss you.’
‘Then we keep in touch.’
As friends . The words screeched into her head when it felt so much more than that because she was going to miss him like crazy too.
‘And stay friends,’ he said with a resigned tone that didn’t quite match the smile he was trying to hold.
‘Friends, always,’ she agreed, although she couldn’t keep the tone of resignation from her voice either.
She did not want to end their time on Sardinia on a subdued note.
She shifted closer to him, her breath teasing across the top of his chest. ‘But right now we can be a little bit more than just friends.’
‘Oh, I like that idea.’ Rhys’s grin reached his eyes this time as he pulled her on top of him, any further conversation cut short through action rather than words.
* * *
The sense of loss was stark on the flight home.
Lola stared out of the window. She’d gone to Sardinia anticipating time with her friends, to switch off and celebrate Mirabel getting married, but it had ended up being so much more.
The best bit of it was on another flight and she was struggling to process her feelings about leaving Rhys.
They’d said a private goodbye in bed that morning. The taxis to the airport were staggered, and Lola and her friends had said goodbye to Rhys and the others a couple of hours later with hugs and tears all round. Friendships had formed, Sarah in particular hitting it off with both Gareth and Zoe.
And Lola’s last hug with Rhys. She hadn’t wanted to let go.
Perhaps their friends knew, because Barnaby and Gareth had joked around, clamping their arms around Rhys’s shoulders and marching him to the waiting taxi.
Her friends had swarmed her, talking a hundred miles an hour as their final couple of hours at the villa were filled with last-minute packing, then they too were in a taxi whizzing off to the airport.
Despite Polly’s insistence to give them all the gossip, none of her friends pushed Lola for details.
After breakfast, Polly’s quiet ‘So, did you have a good night?’ within earshot of Deni and Sarah was answered by Lola’s flushed-cheeked smile, nod and a whispered ‘The best.’ Polly had hugged her, Deni had grinned and Sarah had knocked her shoulder against hers, commenting ‘About time too.’
Perhaps they sensed she was hurting, sad and confused even if she had the delicious memory of the night before.
Rhys had been worth it; not only did he make her feel worthy and wonderful, but he was gentle and passionate, thoughtful, sexy and open.
His suggestion to go travelling with him had surprised her.
It was tempting, but she couldn’t upend her life, not when she had a job and responsibilities.
It wasn’t as if there was a realistic future for them.
She squashed that thought, unwilling to imagine a different path, one that included Rhys. She didn’t want the burden of conflict, not when she needed to focus on ensuring her ex stayed out of her life. That was her priority before she could think about anything else.
On the plane with Deni and Mark sitting quietly next to her, and Sarah and Polly in the row behind, she had too much time to mull over the last couple of weeks while she was in limbo between Sardinia and home.
There was no pretence with Rhys; he was willing to talk about his feelings, his hopes and dreams as much as his fears and regrets.
Going travelling was his way to heal and figure out what he wanted.
He was at a crossroads and perhaps she was too, she just hadn’t realised it till now.
Life was a merry-go-round of adult responsibilities, work and friends, relationships and big dreams. But what was her dream?
She had ambition, but what did she want long term?
In the early days of her relationship with Jarek when she’d been swept up in love, her imagination had run away with her thinking about their future, and her focus had shifted from being totally career-minded to settling down and starting a family.
A shudder stole through her. How trapped she would have been if their relationship had become serious – she couldn’t even bear to think about the horror of having had a child with him.
Lola gazed out of the window to a silver streak of a river winding through a mountainous region far below.
A thought had been seeded a while ago of what shape her life could take with someone she loved, with someone who treated her right and loved her unconditionally.
She hadn’t dared believe it could be more than a fantasy.
Her days revolved around work and a social life, yet she wanted more, but she hadn’t realised what it was she was missing out on.
Her friends were all growing, moving on and pursuing things that enriched their lives.
For Lola, a feeling of loss had been building following the end of a destructive relationship, then witnessing her best friend changing her life so drastically for Fabs and their future, but Mirabel was doing it for love.
When Lola really thought about it, what was more important than that?