5. Dylan
FIVE
DYLAN
FIFTEEN YEARS OLD
Summer is a long row of lazy, sunny days. Fishing and camping. Bike rides along the coast. S’Mores and ice cream sandwiches. It’s lying in the backyard in the middle of the night and staring at the starry sky. It’s swimming and staying out past curfew.
It’s wishing on falling stars that summer would never end. That everything would stay like this forever.
It’s closing your eyes and thinking, Please. This is perfect. Just let me have this .
Two things happen.
I turn fifteen. Nina, Preston, and I have an awkward dinner to celebrate. The Olsens throw a huge party for me complete with a bonfire and all of us squeezing into the treehouse and having a sleepover.
And then, once summer ends…
Everything changes.
School starts back up again.
It’s not too bad. It hasn’t been bad since Adrian punched Parker.
I do my best to keep to myself. He pretends I don’t exist. It’s a great arrangement.
I think some people would say my life is boring. There’s a routine—I go to school, and I hang out with Adrian.
Nothing exciting.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
I love it.
I don’t expect anything to change.
That turns out to be a mistake.
I’m in the kitchen, helping Lynn with dinner. Adrian has soccer practice on Fridays, so he’s not home yet.
I like this early evening in the kitchen. Lynn has put on one of her records. She likes to listen to music when she’s cooking. Not the usual kind of music you hear on the radio. Her music has strange chord progressions and lyrics that somehow make you both sad and happy.
The front door bangs open, and Lynn rolls her eyes.
“Savages,” she says under her breath.
I bite back a smile and continue cutting the watermelon into cubes for the salad.
The voices get louder in the hallway and then Adrian and Harriet storm into the kitchen.
“A herd of elephants make less noise,” Lynn says.
“You’re just guessing that,” Harriet says.
Adrian steals a slice of watermelon and grins at me as he stuffs it in his mouth.
“Starving,” he mumbles.
“Wash your hands,” Lynn says with exasperation.
Adrian steals another slice of watermelon, and Lynn bats his arm away. “Dinner is in fifteen minutes. Behave.”
“But I’ll die by then,” Adrian whines. His mother takes his shoulders and turns him toward the door.
“Go shower. It’ll make the time go by faster.”
“Yeah, Adrian. Go shower. You stink,” Harriet says.
Lynn crosses her arms over her chest and clears her throat while she pointedly looks at her daughter.
Harriet’s shoulders slump. “Shower?” she guesses.
“And make it a fast one, because you’re setting the table.”
“Oh, man,” she groans, but one more strict look from Lynn makes her jog out the kitchen.
Half an hour later, we’re all sitting around the long dining table in the kitchen. Adrian nudges me with his shoulder and raises his brows at me in a wordless question.
Okay ?
I nod and grin at him.
Great .
“Give me the highlights, gang,” Eric says, like he always does. The whole family starts to speak all at once, but somehow they manage to smoothly turn it into a coherent conversation where everybody gets their turn.
I sit back and listen with a smile on my face.
These are some of my favorite moments.
These are the moments when I feel like I belong more than I ever have anywhere before.
And it’s loud.
And light.
And good.
And I have my own spot at the table.
And there’s a mug in the cabinet that everybody says is Dylan’s mug.
And there are people all around me.
My people.
Once we’re done eating, Eric, Will, Adrian, and I clean the table.
“Dad, can I borrow the car for homecoming next week?” Will asks when he drops off another load of dishes.
“Sure,” Eric says, “but you’ll have to give Adrian and his date a ride too.”
I jerk my head up and something jolts inside me.
Adrian and his date?
My brain is having trouble processing these words.
Adrian. And his date.
Date .
“You have a date?” Will asks.
I stay very still, very quiet. I don’t even think my heart is beating.
It’s not the good kind of anticipation.
Adrian shrugs. “Emma asked me, so I figured why not.”
I slowly put the next plate into the dishwasher with my numb fingers.
When? Where? How? Why?
Somewhere in the back of my head, a voice is telling me I shouldn’t care like this. That caring like this might be a problem.
On the night of the dance, Lynn asks me to babysit. She and Eric have tickets to a play.
I go. Heart in my throat. I’ve been all nerves all day.
Adrian and Will are both dressed in suits when I arrive. I blink when I see Adrian in his suit. When did he get so tall?
“How do I look?” Adrian asks with a self-deprecating smirk. “Stupid?”
Good. You look good.
Dry. My mouth is dry.
I don’t say any of that.
“Weird,” I say instead.
Adrian laughs and pulls at the collar.
“Not sure about the tie.”
“It matches your eyes,” I blurt. My face is too hot. “Nice. You look nice,” I mumble.
“Good to know,” Adrian says with a laugh.
They take off a few minutes later.
I stand in the hallway well after they’re gone.
Ruffle Charlie’s hair when he tugs my arm.
We play Uno.
We build a Lego city.
We make ice cream sundaes.
I make popcorn for us, and we watch a movie.
I have no idea what’s happening on the screen. All I can think about is Adrian and his suit and the corsage with the light pink flowers he was holding and his date .
“She’s cool,” Adrian’s quiet, sleepy voice says in the darkness. “Emma. Really cool. She has this friend. She thinks the four of us should go out together.”
I think I should want this.
I can’t summon any enthusiasm, though.
We’re in the living room, packed in like sardines on the couch, with Harriet, Jackson, Mia, Charlie, and Daisy all lying next to Adrian.
It’s late, so everybody is asleep except for me and Adrian.
He came back an hour ago, ditched the suit, got dressed in shorts and a T-shirt, and joined us in the living room.
Will is still out, dropping off his date.
“Yeah?” I ask sort of faintly, not willing to commit but not wanting to say it.
“Uh-huh.” Adrian yawns.
He’s so close that our sides are pressed together, all the way from our feet to our shoulders. I can feel the heat of his skin.
I wait.
With bated breath.
Not for tidbits about Emma’s friend. She doesn’t even register.
Emma, though?
She’s cool? What else? Do you think she’s hot, Adrian? Do you think she’s funny and smart and beautiful? Do you like that in a girl? Do you like blonde hair and blue eyes?
She asked you to the dance, so she’s interested.
Are you?
My mind is buzzing, and I don’t know how or why it’s happening. Why am I suddenly so fixated on this?
I want to dig, but I also don’t.
Want to know, but I also don’t.
I want to hide from knowing. It’s better not to know, not to think about this. It feels messy and somehow scary.
Adrian doesn’t mention Emma again after that, and I don’t either. Instead, he moves his head so it lightly knocks against mine. I’m sure it’s by accident, but he keeps it there anyway.
Adrian lets out a thoughtful hum, and somebody—Charlie, I think—giggles in his sleep, turns on his side, and slaps Adrian in the face with the back of his hand. I hide a smile as Adrian sighs.
“I don’t think this couch was designed with so many people in mind,” he says.
“It’s not too bad. We all fit.”
“Barely.”
“I like it.”
“Feeling like sardines in a can?” he asks with a snort.
“I like that there are so many of you.”
“I like that you like it.” He’s silent for a little while. “Do you ever think about leaving this place?” he asks then, seemingly out of the blue.
“Boston?” I ask.
“Yeah. Massachusetts in general. Do you ever think about living somewhere else? Somewhere totally different. Another state. Or maybe a whole other country.”
“Not really.”
Adrian is silent again. And unusually serious. “Do you think you ever will? Like… for college, maybe?”
I’ve never really considered it, to be honest. We’re in Boston. There are plenty of schools here. Good schools. Great schools.
And people. People I love and trust. And starting over somewhere new when everybody I love is here seems unthinkable and unnecessary.
“I haven’t really thought about it that much.” Should I want to go somewhere else? Should I want to leave? “I’m a bit of a coward, if you haven’t noticed that yet.”
“Anyway,” I say quickly, desperate to change the topic and not sound so pathetic. “Do you?”
He hesitates for a long time. A long-ass time. It’s not really like Adrian. He’s usually so confident and self-assured that he doesn’t need to consider anything. He just knows and does.
“Not college,” he finally says, still uncharacteristically contemplative. “I’m not book smart.”
“You’re good with your hands,” I say with a protective edge to my tone. “And you are smart, just maybe a bit impatient when you’re not a hundred percent invested.”
He grins. “In my defense, when the fuck will I ever apply my thorough knowledge about cytoplasm and mitochondria?” He sobers after that.
“I’m not gonna go to college. Mom and Dad can’t afford to send all of us anyway, so me going would be a waste of money.
It makes much more sense to go work with Dad at the garage. ”
It suddenly hits me that in a not-too-distant future things are going to be different. That maybe we’re not going to live next door to each other anymore. That maybe we won’t see each other every day anymore. Maybe not even every week. Or every month.
That life is going to happen.
“But you don’t want to work at the garage?” I ask.
“I do. Just… Does it make me an asshole if I say not right away?”
“No. It doesn’t.”
He nods slowly. “I love you guys. I don’t want to leave forever.
It’s just that there’s a fuckload of world out there.
I’d like to see some of it first.” He’s speaking faster now.
“I’ve never been on a plane. I’ve never been to a foreign country.
I’ve never seen the pyramids or the northern lights.
I’ve never had to be really alone to see if I can make it on my own.
I’ve never skydived or seen places that are really, truly different. And I want to.”
I feel kind of chilly all of a sudden. Like he’s telling me he’s leaving right now.
And I also feel kind of small and stupid for not realizing this was something Adrian wanted while also simultaneously admitting to myself it doesn’t sound that appealing to me.
Maybe in theory, but… All the people, everybody I love. They’re here. They’re right here.
“I mean, after high school seems like the perfect time to do something like that,” he continues.
“I’ve done some research about work and holiday visas to someplace like Australia or New Zealand to start with.
If I keep working at the garage and save some money, I can get all the plane tickets and stuff worked out by the time we graduate. ”
The air seems too thick to breathe properly.
“Yeah.” I clear my throat. “That sounds like a plan.”
“I’ve been thinking… You could come with me. We could do this together.”
I almost choke on air. “What?”
“You could,” he says. “Think about it—the two of us, out there. I’m serious. There’s so much world to see, Dyl. We can see it together. I have a good plan.”
For a dizzying moment, I’m ready to jump on board. A dizzying moment that comes and then goes because deep in my heart I already know. This is not my dream. It’s his. He wants to go and see new things and have new experiences.
Me? Everything I love is here. The life and family he’s given me is here.
I don’t know if I can let it go. Even for this. Even if just because it’s Adrian, and the way he says “together” makes my heart beat just a bit faster.
“Am I in those plans?” I ask, echoing that moment from a long time ago.
“In every sentence on every page,” he says solemnly.
I want it to be true so badly. I want to be in his plan.
I lick over my dry lips and try to find the right words, but when I look at Adrian, I suddenly realize I don’t have to have the words. He can already tell.
He smiles at me and then he squeezes my hand.
We’re silent for a long while.
“You’re not a coward, you know,” Adrian says, putting a stop to my spiraling thoughts.
I snort with disbelief. “I absolutely am. Look at me. It takes me forever to talk myself into doing anything. Without you, I wouldn’t have any friends at all, and I’d be lonely as hell and most likely eventually buy a sex doll and pretend it was my spouse.”
Adrian’s lips twitch. “I saw a video of one somewhere. They look pretty realistic nowadays.”
“There’s such a thing as being too supportive,” I say while he laughs softly and taps his temple against mine.
“Never. Not when it comes to us.”
Minutes tick by.
Adrian’s breathing evens out, his head falls heavy against mine.
I can’t sleep.
His words play in my mind, over and over, like the never-ending chorus of a song.
Never.
Not when it comes to us.
Never.
Not when it comes to us.
I blink at the ceiling.
Something moves inside me. Shifts.
My heartbeat is loud and erratic. It makes me feel sick.
I don’t know what I’m feeling.
Confused?
Bad?
Good?
I don’t know.
It’s none of those things and all of them at once.
Too much and too little.
I lie awake the whole night, unable to fall asleep, and listen to Adrian breathe next to me. His head remains pressed against mine the whole time.
When the first rays of sunlight make their way above the horizon, I slowly and gently roll myself away from Adrian, get up, and head outside.
I go home, sit down on the porch, feet dangling over the side, and watch the sunrise.
Restless and confused.
Every now and then, I glance toward the house next door and feel…
For the first time in my life, I feel… messy.
Like I’m a stranger in my own body. Like the feelings and truths I’ve gathered over the years about myself and carefully placed on their individual shelves and designated spots inside me have been torn down, so now they’re lying on the ground in front of my feet, and I’m left staring at them in confusion, because how did they get there?
How do I put them back? Where do they go? How?
I don’t know.
So for now, I just sit.
And feel messy.