58. Dylan #2
He shakes his head with a bewildered look in his eyes.
“I… I don’t know,” he says in a low voice, like he’s ashamed of the confession.
“It’s…” He blows out a big breath and the fingers of his good hand curl into a fist. “It’s like it used to be a fact.
Adrian loves Freya. Like a law of nature.
No way to dispute it. And now there’s a but.
Now there’s somebody who’s saying ‘wait a minute, what if this isn’t real anymore?
’ And I’m suddenly doubting everything I used to know and at the same time I feel out of place in this new world with new laws.
” He chews on his words for a moment. “I feel guilty,” he admits then.
“She waited for me. For years, she waited.”
And you wish you could go back to the way things used to be I think. I don’t know if he’s willing to admit that to himself, but at least a part of him probably does want to go back to simpler times. Go back to when love was easy.
I did this to him.
“How do I do this?” he asks.
He means choose. How do I choose?
You pick me.
Easy. So easy.
Only it’s not.
Because… because I want him to choose me . Actually choose me. Without any doubts. Because I don’t want him to look back one day and wonder where he went wrong.
“You can’t do anything right now.” I force myself to say it even if my insides are fighting this.
What are you doing, Dylan?
What the fuck are you doing?
“You need time. You need to get used to life in the real world again.” I close my eyes and force myself to breathe. In. Out. In. Out. “You have to spend time with Freya. Because… because I don’t want to become a regret.”
“That’s not possible.”
“It is. No, don’t argue. Just listen to me for a second.” I swallow through the dryness in my mouth. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. “I’m not your first choice. I never was.”
He pushes himself up on his elbows and leans over me with clear outrage on his face. “That’s bull?—”
I slam my palm over his mouth. “I wasn’t. Please, just let me speak. It’s hard enough already.”
He closes his eyes for a moment then nods, motioning for me to continue.
“It’s not just about you,” I say. “Remember? Remember I said I was selfish when it comes to you? This is me being selfish too. I need you to know. I need you to find out what you feel for Freya now, because otherwise I’ll never know if you really choose me.
And I need to know. I need to know if you love me like I love you, because…
because I am choosing you. There’s nobody else for me but you.
” I look at him. Drink him in. Eat him with my eyes.
Daydream about him even though he’s right here.
“I’m saying… you’re free. That I don’t expect anything from you.
That I’m not asking you to choose me. That you have to see what’s left between you and Freya, but this is not me giving you an ultimatum.
This is just me telling you to do whatever you want.
It’s not about what I want, or what Freya wants.
It’s about what you want. It’s the only thing that matters right now. ”
“I want you,” he says.
My insides feel light for a swift second. Like they’re filled with helium, soaring, wild and free. I come down to earth quickly though, because if I let myself consider this, I also know that this isn’t just about him.
“She’s your fiancée,” I say.
“ Was my fiancée.”
“She could still be your fiancée.”
I squeeze my eyes shut because looking at him makes it impossible for me to also see reason.
I’ve never been outright scared about what I feel for him.
I’ve always seen it as something impossible.
There’s safety in nurturing an impossible kind of love.
You know it can never truly break you because you didn’t really have it in the first place.
But now, I’m terrified. Now everything is real . The way he makes me feel is real . The way I crave, ache, yearn, want is real. The way I’d be willing to lay my heart, my soul at his feet without a second thought is real .
The heartbreak if he leaves would be real .
It’s terrifying.
I don’t think I’ve ever been more scared in my entire life.
Because now it’s all real.
“I want to know your heart belongs to me,” I say.
“It does,” he says. Earnestly. My God he’s earnest.
“Only me. Nobody else. And right now I’m not sure it does.” I press my palm against his chest. “I want it, but I want to be the only one who has it.”
He’s clutching me to him.
“Are you going to cut me out of your life?” he asks.
“I don’t think I’d even know how.”
He nods.
“But,” I say.
“No.” He clutches me more tightly. “No buts.”
I grab his hand and kiss the back of it. A moment of weakness. What’s one more?
“But,” I say gently, “I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Ever since it became clear that we were coming back home.”
“Dyl…”
I barrel on. “I have to let you go.”
“You said you loved me.” He sounds so confused again.
“I do love you,” I choke out. “I love you more than you can probably understand, because my heart is free to love you. I have no doubts. No confusion. Nothing. I don’t think you can say the same.”
“Dyl,” he says again, with clear desperation.
“If I’m with you… I’ve done enough already.
I already stole you for myself. If I’m with you, I will do everything I can to make you choose me, because I’m greedy when it comes to you, and I fight dirty.
And that’s not a good thing. I don’t want that to be our foundation.
So… I’m letting you go. To figure out what you want.
You. Nobody else. That’s what we all deserve.
You. Me. Freya. You’re the only one who can give this to us. The clarity.”
He presses his lips against my neck and keeps them there.
We lie in each other’s arms for the rest of the night, not saying another word.
I stand by the front door early while Adrian pulls on his sneakers. His hair is a mess, and his eyes are tired.
He looks beautiful in the early morning sun.
“I don’t want to go,” he says.
“But you can’t stay,” I finish softly.
He nods. I’ve almost prepared myself for him walking away from me. Almost. But still not enough.
He takes a step closer until his body is against mine and wraps himself around me. He hugs me for a long time before he wordlessly lets me go and walks out the door.